The team leader was quietly observing the conversation that was currently occurring between Tony and Ducky as they discussed the possibility of DiNozzo undergoing hypnosis in order to regain even more of his memory. Tony’s new found determination to discover his past was both encouraging and worrisome but his support of the younger man did not waver; it was time for him to start letting DiNozzo spread his wings and fly and after almost losing him, that was easier said than done.
Before meeting with Ducky, he and Tony had visited the shooting range at DiNozzo’s request, another step in him reclaiming his life as Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. He recalled that there was no hesitancy as Tony cradled the weapon in his hand, caressing it as if he were reacquainting himself with a long lost lover. When Tony finally took aim and shot at the paper target, he had nearly bested his previous high score; it was another boost for Tony’s confidence that had been shattered during his captivity.
He silently chastised himself for allowing his mind to wander as he forced himself to focus on the discussion that was still going on between the other two men. Ducky had apparently just finished explaining to Tony the procedure that he would be subjected to if he selected to undergo hypnosis and although Gibbs could still sense DiNozzo’s hesitancy, there was a calm acceptance radiating from Tony as he listened intently to the ME.
His gaze remained fixed on Tony as the dark haired man carefully considered the physician’s words. After Ducky had finished his justifications as to why he felt hypnosis would help DiNozzo, the three men sat in companionable silence, waiting for Tony to make the next move; after all, as Gibbs continually reminded himself that the choice on whether to proceed with the hypnosis belonged to DiNozzo.
Gibbs was shaken from his silent thoughts when Tony asked his opinion; he was glad that DiNozzo was beginning to value his judgment once again.
“So, what do you think, Gibbs?” Tony wanted to know, trying to hide his nervousness behind his inquisitive orbs.
“I can’t make that decision for you, Tony,” the team leader replied. “It has to be your choice.”
“I know that; I’m just asking your opinion.”
“Personally, I don’t put a lot of stock in hypnosis, but that doesn’t mean anything; if you think it will help you remember, then go for it,” he urged, hoping that his doubts wouldn’t influence Tony’s decision.
Tony began to pace, something that Gibbs had seen him do countless of times when he was trying to reach for the missing piece of the puzzle that would usually blow their current case out of the water. Gibbs stood up and intentionally placed himself in the younger man’s path. He placed his calloused hands on Tony’s shoulder and waited for DiNozzo to meet his gaze.
“You don’t have to make this decision now,” he informed Tony.
“But…”
“Tony, listen to me. You’ve come a long way in a short time; in the past couple of days, I’ve watched you take huge steps in your recovery and you shouldn’t feel bad if you’re not ready for this.”
“I thought I was,” Tony countered. “I thought that I could do this, but I don’t think I’m ready. Maybe I should just talk to my counselor and attend the AA meetings for a while. Maybe I’m better off not remembering everything that happened; maybe it’s just better if I take it a day at a time.”
“There’s nothing wrong with taking things slow. You’re supposed to start seeing your counselor next week, right?”
“Yeah. Twice a week to start with.”
“Then if you’re unsure about the hypnosis, talk to her and…”
Tony stepped back and looked at him, a mixture of surprise and delight etched in his youthful features. “Her?”
Gibbs couldn’t help but grin at Tony’s obvious pleasure at discovering that his psychologist was female; it was more than encouraging seeing the tiny idiosyncrasies that made up DiNozzo’s character resurfacing after a long sabbatical. The former Marine delivered a quick and efficient head slap as he teasingly ordered Tony to focus.
“Thank you, Boss,” Tony quipped as he gingerly touched the back of his head.
“As I was saying, talk to your counselor and see what she has to say about it and then go from there. When and if you decided to undergo hypnosis, I’ve got your six.”
“I know.”
He stood aside, watching Tony’s slow movements as he approached the ME; it was evident that the injuries he had received from the bar fight still plagued him. Gibbs tamped down his anger at those who had hurt his boy as he silently vowed once again to always watch Tony’s back.
“Ducky,” Tony began. “I didn’t mean to waste your time; I really thought I was ready.”
“You didn’t waste my time, Anthony,” the ME assured him. “You will know when you’re ready.”
“I hope so.”
“You will.”
Gibbs nodded his approval as Ducky patted Tony on the back. “You just do what you have to do to get better,” the compassionate physician insisted.
“I’m trying, Duck.”
The team leader followed Tony as he made his way over to the elevator. The two men had one more thing on their agenda and although Gibbs had tried to convince DiNozzo that he was always welcome at his house, the agent had wanted to go back to his own home.
“Anthony?” Ducky called out. “Mother is looking forward to seeing you on Saturday! She is most anxious for her Italian gigolo furniture mover to resume his place as her partner.”
“I’ll be there,” Tony promised. “You’re still coming by to give me a refresher course, right?”
“Of course. I’ll be at Jethro’s about 7 if that works for you.”
“No, I won’t be there. Come by my apartment.”
With a slight shake of his head, he quelled Ducky’s questioning stare. “Your apartment?” the ME inquired.
“Yep,” Tony replied with a smile. “I’m going home!”
The two men stepped inside the elevator as Gibbs pushed the button to shut the door. The older man made a mental note to take Ducky aside and explain to him DiNozzo’s decision to go home; he knew that the doctor would understand and would support Tony and right now, the encouragement of his friends is what he needed and Gibbs would make sure that everyone was on the same page.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Tony stood on the sidewalk and stared at the brick building, quietly summoning the courage to enter into the strangely familiar place that he had once called home. He had finally managed to quell the butterflies that had been fluttering in his stomach ever since he and Gibbs had left NCIS; of course, Gibbs’ driving didn’t help the queasiness that had been plaguing him.
When they had pulled up in front of the building, it had taken him a few seconds to summon the courage to get out of the car. Gibbs had given his shoulder a squeeze and with a curt nod, had opened his door and waited patiently for Tony to join him; he knew that the team leader would have waited all day if necessary in order to empower him to make various decisions as he continued to reclaim his life.
He had made great strides in the past couple of days but at the moment, he was having a hard time accomplishing the simple task of putting one foot in front of the other. Glancing over at Gibbs, he nervously grinned as he blew out a pent up breath. “I guess I’m ready,” he announced, not bothering to hide the uncertainty in his voice.
“You sure about this?” Gibbs asked.
“I think so; I know it’s something I need to do.”
“You can stay at my place as long as you want to; I’ve kind of gotten use to having you around.”
“I appreciate that but it’s time for me to go home. Besides, I kind of look at your place as a refuge; a place I can go when things get to be too much. I have a feeling I’ll be there a lot,” he sighed.
“You’re welcome any time but I still expect you drop by and help me rebuild my boat.”
A pang of guilt swept over Tony as images of him destroying the former Marine’s basement in a fit of rage came flooding back to him. His doubts, insecurities, and distrust of people had forced him back to a time where he had known nothing but pain and fear; unfortunately, Gibbs’ prized boat had been a casualty of his anger and destructive behavior.
“Yeah,” Tony muttered, unsure of what else he could say.
“I didn’t mean to uh…”
“Tony, it’s in the past,” Gibbs reminded him.
“But Gibbs, it’s like destroying the Holy Grail; you put your life in that boat and…”
He was silenced by the piercing glare that the older man was now directing at him. “Sorry, Gibbs,” Tony apologized. “I’m trying.”
“I know you are.”
Tony cleared his throat in an effort to ease the awkwardness between them. Nodding towards the front door of the apartment building, he was now grateful for the much needed distraction of returning to his home. “Shall we?”
“Lead the way,” Gibbs replied.
It never occurred to him that he shouldn’t even know which floor his apartment was on much less which apartment was his; Tony entered the building and walked by the elevator, glancing at the note posted on the door. “You would think they would have fixed the elevator by now,” he mumbled, automatically heading towards the stairwell with Gibbs in tow.
“You would think,” the team leader agreed.
“I wonder how long it’s been out.”
“It was working a couple of weeks ago when I came by and checked on your place.”
“How often did you come by?”
“At least once a week.”
Tony leaned against the fire door that opened to his floor, surprised and overwhelmed by Gibbs’ admission; he wasn’t sure how he felt about Gibbs being in his home but in the scheme of things, he wasn’t sure that it really mattered.
When he finally summoned the desire to speak, all he could say was, “Thanks.”
“I guess I just needed a physical reminder that you weren’t really gone,” Gibbs explained.
“Everyone else had given up?”
“Not everyone, DiNozzo. Not everyone.”
He turned and faced the silver-haired man, a smile dancing upon his lips. “Thanks for not giving up on me, Boss.”
Gibbs gave him a rare grin. “You’re welcome, Tony.”
Tony swallowed hard, burying the feelings that were hovering close to the surface. The past few days had been nothing but a roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs and it had been a struggle for him to stay on an even plane.
Not trusting himself to speak, Tony opened the door and stepped into the hallway; it was just a few steps before he was standing in front of his apartment door. He glanced over his shoulder at the ex-Marine. “This is it, isn’t it?”
“Yep,” Gibbs answered, handing Tony the key to unlock the door.
Taking the key, he opened the door and stepped inside, hitting the light switch and illuminating the room. The first thing that garnered his attention was the large screen television mounted on the wall surrounded on either side by wooden towers that held a myriad of DVD collections. He slowly made his way over to the entertainment center and began to scan the movies. “Airwolf, Magnum, P.I., The Fugitive…are all these mine?”
“Yeah, they’re all yours.”
“Wow…I can’t believe all these are actually mine.”
“Well, they are,” Gibbs confirmed.
“And these CD’s?”
“They’re yours too.”
Tony picked up a case and stared at the cover. “Coltrane.”
“You’ve always been a fan of jazz.”
“I don’t…don’t remember.”
“It’ll come back to you,” the team leader reassured him. “Give it time.”
He nodded as he continued to study his strangely familiar surroundings. Each room spoke volumes of an extremely organized individual, another aspect of Tony DiNozzo’s personality that he was going to have familiarize himself with. When he had been living on the streets, organization was the last thing on his mind; survival had become a priority and there had been many days that he had been amazed that he had awakened to live another day.
Tony walked into his bedroom and found himself drawn to the closet. Opening the door, he discovered suit after suit hanging in a row followed by a series of white dress shirts and a few sweaters. There were as twice as many ties as suits hanging on the tie rack prompting him to wonder what one person needed with so many ties. He was having a difficult time picturing himself in the designer clothes; had he always had such an expensive taste in clothing?
“I guess I’ll remember owning these as well,” he mumbled to himself. “Did I actually wear these suits?”
“Pretty much all the time.”
“Why?”
Gibbs shook his head, obviously amused by Tony’s question. “Started wearing them when you started NCIS; every once in a while you dress casual but most of the time it’s Armani, Gucci, or some other designer I can’t pronounce.”
He scrutinized Gibbs’ wardrobe, his own grin lighting up his face. “Let me guess where you shop. Sears?”
“Been a loyal customer ever since I retired from the Marines.”
“That long, huh?” Tony teased.
“Yep.”
Tony reached out and fingered one of the dark suits. “I can’t imagine…do you think I could try one on?”
“Tony, those clothes are yours; you can do whatever you want to with them.”
“Maybe if I dress like I used to, maybe it will spark something.”
“It might,” Gibbs agreed. “It’s worth a try.”
“Yeah.”
Gibbs gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze as he made his way back to the living room. “I’m going to see if anyone has restocked your fridge and cabinets. Abby was supposed to go grocery shopping for you this morning.”
“Thanks, Gibbs.”
“Any time, DiNozzo.”
He waited for the team leader to shut the door and then pulled a suit from the closet. Within a few minutes, he was staring at himself in the mirror, subconsciously tying his tie as if he had been doing it all his life. Who had taught him how to tie? His father? Gibbs?
Although the suit was loose on his frame, Tony stood tall as he continued to study his semi-gaunt form. He had only begun to put the weight back on that he had lost during his time on the streets; his appetite had been steadily improving since he had stopped drinking and he was beginning to feel like a human being and not a desperate drunkard who couldn’t even remember his own name.
He buttoned the jacket, his sense of self-respect seemingly increasing a few notches. “Not bad, DiNozzo,” he mumbled to himself. “Not bad at all.”
Tony made his way to the living room to discover Gibbs still plundering through the kitchen. “The good stuff’s up in the top cabinet all the way in the back. I had to move it when McGee stayed over when his apartment was being fumigated.”
Gibbs stopped in mid motion, his gaze radiating surprise and pride at the fact that Tony had managed to pull another memory out of the black abyss of his mind.
“Did I just remember something?” Tony asked, his voice laced with a hint of hope.
“Yep. It was a couple of years ago and you and McGee didn’t talk to each other for three days.”
“Well, he’s not as perfect a houseguest as one would think.”
He watched as the team leader reached up and pulled down a bag of his preferred brew, sniffing it to test for freshness. “I’ll get a new bag as soon as possible,” Tony promised. “Once I start getting a paycheck, that is.”
“You should start getting your back pay soon.”
“That’ll be nice. First thing I’m going to do is pay you back for everything.”
“Tony, I don’t want your money; having you back in one piece is enough for me.”
“But Boss, I…”
“This isn’t up for discussion, Tony.”
For all the progress that he had made, he was still unnerved by realization that not everyone in the world wanted something from him. The ability to trust others was something that he was still working on, but it was getting easier every day. There was no longer a doubt in his mind that he could trust Gibbs with his life.
“Thank you. Again.”
“You’re welcome. Again.”
He smoothed out his jacket in a nervous attempt to change the subject; Tony still had a lot of difficulty with the emotional aspects of any conversation. He held out his arms and gave a slow turn. “So, do I look like Tony DiNozzo now?”
“You look good, DiNozzo,” the team leader grinned.
“I like this suit. I think I’ll wear it on my first day back but for now, I’m gonna change. Ducky is coming over to teach me how to play bridge; I have a date on Saturday.”
“Are you sure that you want to stay here? You’re more than welcome to stay at the house.”
“I know, but I have to do this. It’s for the best.”
Gibbs raised his hands in surrender. “All right, but just so you know, the offer still stands.”
“Thanks but I’ll be fine.”
“I have no doubt about that.”
Tony followed the former Marine to the door. “I do have a favor to ask.”
“What is it?”
He opened the door for the Gibbs. “I need a ride to Ducky’s house tomorrow. I’m not sure what time but I’ll find out from Ducky and let you know.”
“Bridge is at 2.”
The two men greeted the ME as he entered the apartment. “Really Anthony, you’re going to have to talk to your superintendent about the elevator; you have a number of elderly neighbors who don’t need to be walking those stairs.”
“I plan to Ducky,” he vowed.
Gibbs gave Tony a pat on the back. “I’ll pick you up around 1.”
“I’ll be ready.”
Tony nodded his silent thanks to the former Marine. As he watched Gibbs stride down the hallway towards the stairwell, he finally began to understand the bond between him and the team leader that so many had told him about; he and Gibbs didn’t need words, only trust.
He closed the door and turned his attention back to the ME who was in his kitchen putting water on the stove. “I thought I’d fix us some tea,” Ducky announced.
“Sounds good. I’m going to change and I’ll be right back.”
“That’s fine and by the way, that suit is a nice look on you, Anthony.”
Tony smiled at the ME. “Thanks, Duck.”
“You’re welcome. Now, you hurry back and we’ll start our review of Bridge 101.”
He went into his room and began to change his clothes, carefully placing the suit back on the hanger and in the closet. After wearing nothing but hand me downs and rags for the better part of the past year, he still couldn’t fathom that these fine clothes actually belonged to him. There were so many things that he had taken for granted including shelter, food, clothing, and most of all, friends. Although it would take him time to readjust to the life he was trying to reclaim, he knew that he would do so with a new appreciation of what was truly important to him.
“Anthony, are you ready?” Ducky called out.
“Coming Duck,” he replied, his spirit nearly soaring as he joined the ME in the kitchen.
Taking a sip of the tea that Ducky had prepared, he took a seat across from the kind-hearted physician.
“The mind is a complicated machine,” Ducky began as he dealt the cards. “Many times, people who have suffered physical or psychological trauma simply push things to the back of their minds until they need them; I’m prepared to wager that when it comes to bridge that you will remember more than you think you will.”
Tony picked up his cards as his familiar mega watt smile danced upon his features. “I don’t know about that but I’m willing to give it a shot.”
“That’s the spirit, Anthony!”
It had been a long time since he had felt such a sense of pride and hope; he had to admit that it was a refreshing change from the despair and fear that had nearly consumed him. “Well, Dr. Mallard,” Tony said. “Let’s see how the cards fall.”
The conclusion is in the next chapter. Hang on…we’re almost done!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.