Cycle One-B: You Say Good-bye
“…And it gets harder as you get older,
Farther away as you get closer…”
(“See the Changes” " Stephen Stills)
He awoke to the telephone ringing. The house phone, not the cell, thankfully. Not work. Not today.
“Hello?” Verbalizing served to remind him that he was terribly hung-over.
“Donnie?” It was Jordan. “I’m on my way over. Are you ready?”
“What time is it?”
“Eight thirty. You have to be at the funeral home at ten. The service starts at eleven.” A pause. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. I’ve just overslept. I have to shower. See you when you get here.” He hung up abruptly.
After spending the night sorting through memories and the better part of a bottle of Scotch, Ducky was thankful that at least he’d managed to stumble to bed. He peeled off his crumpled, slept-in clothes as he made his way to the bathroom. He showered and shaved quickly and was just buttoning his shirt when the doorbell rang.
“Coming!” But before he reached the door, Jordan had let herself in. She was wearing a conservative black pinstripe suit and white blouse, her hair pulled back and gathered at the neck in a silver barrette.
“Donnie? Are you all right? You look terrible!”
“A bad night. Let me finish dressing. Is there time for coffee? I haven’t had any and could really use some.”
“We have about half an hour. I’ll see what I can do.”
He went back into the bedroom to finish dressing, grabbed his shoes and suit coat and walked into the dining room in time to see Jordan starting to clear the table. She shuffled through the yellowed loose-leaf papers, looking unsure about what to do.
“Where should I…”
“DO NOT TOUCH THOSE!”
Jordan dropped them back onto the table and several sheets slid to the floor. “I’m sorry!”
“Let me take care of that!” He snapped.
She was taken aback. “Fine. I’ll check on the coffee.” She retreated to the kitchen.
Ducky gathered up the scattered pages and began putting them back in order.
“…your finger traces the line
of my jaw, rests on lips for me
to kiss…”
caught his eye. Cycle One A: Discovery. A completely accurate re-telling of their first night together. Right down to the yellow roses and sandalwood incense. He sighed and carefully placed the pages back into the book, then put the book back in its box, finally putting it on the bookshelf.
God, Celeste, I wish everything was so innocent and uncomplicated now.
Jordan came back into the dining room carrying a tray with two mugs of coffee, a plate of buttered toast and a jar of orange marmalade. “We should probably have something to eat before we go over.” She was subdued.
“Good idea. That was very thoughtful. Thank you.” He picked up one of the mugs, took a sip. “I’m sorry I sounded so harsh, Jordan. I haven’t been at my best these last few days and it’s wrong to take it out on you.”
She smiled, placed her hand over his. “I understand. It’s like riding a rollercoaster. That’s how it was when my mother died, too. I hardly knew if I was coming or going and I was expected to make all these rational decisions. When all I wanted to do was cry and cry like a little girl.”
“Thank you, Jordan. Thank you so much for being here.” He lifted her hand to his lips. She smiled so beautifully…
She said all the right things in all the right ways. What was wrong?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The clouds were breaking up as Ducky and Jordan arrived at the church, an old grey stone edifice with red doors, as was the style of many Episcopal churches in the United States. There were a surprising number of people there " his colleagues from many years past, as well many old friends of Victoria’s. Ducky was shown to the front pew where Jordan sat beside him. Directly behind were Abby, McGee, DiNozzo, Ziva, Jimmy and Gibbs, who sat next to a subdued Celeste. She briefly made eye contact as he sat down in front of her, flashed a tiny, encouraging smile, twisting a tissue in her hand. Had she been crying? He couldn’t tell. She had always been quite good at hiding tears.
The service began with several of Victoria’s favorite hymns. He noticed Celeste helping Gibbs follow the Order of Service and heard her sing, her voice still pure and strong, as it was in the days of the jam sessions with the folk group she used to sing with in college.
There were readings from scripture by Father Jenkins. On cue, Ducky managed to make it to the lectern and open the folder containing his eulogy to his mother. A deep breath. Eye contact with the assembled congregation.
“Victoria McCracken Mallard was a remarkable woman.” His voice cracked. “She lived a life…” The room lurched. He felt his knees buckling. Instantly, Celeste was there. She led him to the chair on the altar, next to Father Jenkins, returned to the lectern and began reading the eulogy as if she had rehearsed it, never faltered or stumbled.
She glanced at him as she finished. He stood and returned to his seat next to Jordan under his own power and Celeste followed to the pew behind. Father Jenkins delivered the homily, a few more hymns were sung, the benediction was delivered and the service ended.
He followed the casket outside to the hearse for the drive to the cemetery and the internment. Mourners filed out behind him, approached to offer condolences as Jordan held his arm and led him to the limousine. In the blur, he saw Gibbs escorting Celeste in a similar manner, toward Gibbs’ car. There was something wrong here. Too many emotions running madly around with nowhere to go. He realized he was on autopilot and had no idea how to disengage. Jordan helped him into the car.
“Donnie?” Her concern was evident.
He managed a weak smile. “I don’t know how much is left of me, Jordan. I feel so…small…” She gathered him into her arms.
By the time they reached the cemetery, the clouds had gathered again and the smell of rain was in the air. Father Jenkins commended the body to the earth; a bagpiper played “Amazing Grace.”
Was that the sum of Mother’s life? Raindrops pelted the canopy as the internment concluded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“EAT!” Abby plunked a plate of food onto the table in front of Ducky. After returning to the church for the luncheon, he found himself once again on autopilot. He thanked people for coming, for their kind words, all the while feeling numb. His headache was almost blinding and he just wanted everything to be over.
Abby handed him a fork. “You have to eat or you’ll pass out for real and we’ll have to call the EMT’s and how embarrassing would that be?”
“Abs, leave the man alone.” Gibbs sat down next to him.
Celeste was with him. “Jethro has been taking very good care of me, Donnie. I’ll just get some tea and let you two talk.”
“You asked her to call you Jethro?”
“Why not? We’re not on an investigation. She doesn’t work for the Agency. She’s a nice lady, Duck. Smart, funny. And pretty. Very pretty. Must have been a knockout when you two met.”
“In more ways than one, Jethro. She’s not like anyone I’ve met before or since.”
“I’d have to agree.”
Ducky felt a vague discomfort. “Are you developing designs, Jethro? I don’t want to sound jealous, but you really aren’t her type.”
“What? I’m not a doctor? Or a musician? Or a thirty-two year old computer science professor?”
“That musician was a brute. They were married ten years with Celeste making at least that many trips to the ER. The last time he nearly killed her.”
Gibbs nodded. “She told me. Went to trial. Bastards like that should be prosecuted. Took a lot of guts on her part to stand up to that son-of-a-bitch in court.”
“I know. It was hell for her.” Ducky rubbed his temples, tried to erase the image of her bruised face, her shattered hand the night she finally called him.
“The computer professor was something of a fling for her,” he said at last. “They lived together for two years before she called it off. He was a bit too irresponsible for her liking. She said she always felt a bit like his maid.”
“You know a lot about her, given you’ve been divorced for thirty years.”
Ducky felt a prickle of defensiveness. “We’ve stayed in touch.”
Gibbs glanced toward Celeste who was chatting with McGee. “Yeah. And if you want my opinion, Duck, I have no idea why in the hell you gave up on her.”
Because I gave up on me. Because there was no reason to believe. “Well, why don’t you ask her, Jethro?” Ducky snapped. “You’ve obviously found out quite a bit in a short time. She’s a rather forthcoming person. I’m sure she will be happy to answer that for you.”
“She wouldn’t. She said she had no business telling me " that it was up to you.”
Ducky picked up his fork, started poking the scalloped potatoes. “Maybe it’s not your business at all.”
“You’re right, Duck. It probably isn’t.” Gibbs stood up.
Ducky had seen this tactic too often to fall for it. He stuck a forkful of potatoes in his mouth and waited for Gibbs to leave.
“What’s wrong?” Celeste sat down in the vacated chair, concern on her face. “You hate scalloped potatoes.”
“Gibbs interrogated you.”
“Well, yes. We’ve spent a good part of the day together. We talked quite a bit.”
“You talked quite a bit. Gibbs doesn’t ‘talk quite a bit.’”
“True. But he does get the information he wants. Usually.”
She didn’t crack completely. Not surprising. “And then there’s you. The irresistible force to an immovable object.”
“You jealous, Ducky?” She grinned. “Well, well, well! Gibbs is absolutely gorgeous. But looks aren’t everything. He’s a little too military/industrial complex for my taste. I can see why he’s such a good friend to you, though. And why he is so good at what he does. Lighten up, Sweets. There’s more than enough to bring you down today without having to worry your pretty head about a potential romance for me. Let me assure you…it’s NOT going to happen.”
“Are you all right with Jordan and me? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable…”
“I’m not. If I got ‘uncomfortable’ about all your liaisons, I’d be out of my mind by now. Besides, you get kind of numb after the first two…”
That was a bit too close. “Touché my dear.”
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. It’s just so much water now…we did what we did back then. It’s done.”
“By the way, I really must thank you for stepping up when I nearly crashed this morning.”
“Well, you know how we pastors’ kids are. We’ve seen just about anything that can happen during a church service. We know what to do. I am kind of glad you didn’t throw up, though. I hate when that happens!”
He had to smile at that. “Are you driving back to Baltimore tonight?”
“Yes. I asked my neighbor to look in on the cats, but I don’t want to take advantage. I told her I’d be back tonight.”
“Cats. Of course. Frodo and Sam?”
“No. Those were the two we had when we were married. As you well know. You never remember the names of the ones I’ve had since. Currently it’s Tucker and Esme.”
She adored cats. She’d had them almost continuously since she was five. To be honest, Ducky enjoyed their company, too. And they were much lower maintenance than dogs. Back in the day, they would play with the cats and "
He rubbed his temples again. Stop, stop, stop! Too many bad paths taking you too many bad places. Stop thinking!
“Donnie?” He felt Celeste place a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Do you want to go home now?”
“Yes. I think I do.”
“I’ll tell Jordan.”
Jordan was beginning to gather up the personal pictures brought over from the funeral home. She had several framed pictures in her arms and reached over to take the final one off the display table when the frame from the top of the pile fell to the floor. Glass shattered and the frame flew apart. The photo of the anniversary party slid across the floor to Ducky’s feet, as did the photo that was concealed underneath it. Before Ducky could rescue the pictures, Jordan picked them up. Looking at the hidden photo, she slowly raised her hand to her mouth, looked from Celeste to Ducky and back again. Then she set the photos on the table and abruptly left the church hall.
Ducky had reframed the anniversary picture some years before by placing it over another photo " a photo of himself and Celeste on Nantucket on their first wedding anniversary. When Celeste was six months pregnant.
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