Cycle One D: Truth Be Told
“…we never failed to fail,
it was the easiest thing to do…”
(“Southern Cross” " Stephen Stills, Richard Curtis and Michael Curtis)
Despite Ducky’s protests that he needed to go home and see if Jordan was there, Gibbs drove them to a nice tavern near Celeste’s hotel.
Drinks were delivered. “Okay. Anyone mind telling me what the hell is going on here? I’m a little confused and would like to know why Dr. Mallard is starting to behave like a ‘love the one your with’ asshole.” Gibbs began.
“This is not your business, Jethro!” Ducky was angry.
“Gibbs, go easy. He’s not in the best of places right now. Nor am I for that matter.”
“Yeah, well it seems like he’s jerking your chain, Celeste. It’s not his style and I don’t get it.”
“There are a lot of things at play here that you don’t understand, Jethro.” Celeste stirred her iced tea with the straw, looking thoughtful.
“Then fill me in, Dr. Porter.”
She looked at Ducky who sat sullenly, waiting for her to start. She turned her attention back to Gibbs. “Understandably, both of us are carrying a lot of mutual emotional baggage. I think Victoria’s death has been something of a flashpoint " we’re being forced to analyze our relationship to her, to each other " to realize that there are loose ends and jagged feelings still at play that we have tried to bury in the past. They’ve been suppressed due to circumstance or necessity which has ultimately resulted in our relative success in dealing with each other. But right now all the governors have been turned off and we’re coasting right into that big black hole that we really haven’t addressed.”
“Good analysis, Dr. Porter. Very objective. I can see how you might have found each other attractive back in the day.” Gibbs smiled.
“I’m a college professor. Critical thinking and analysis is part of the job.”
“Critical over-thinker…” Ducky muttered.
“I heard that! We’re just approaching critical mass, I suspect, aren’t we, Doctor Mallard?” She grinned at the pun. “Getting to the heart of the matter? I think that Jethro wants to know what happened to us, Donnie. You’ve barely mentioned me to him before today. Why you haven’t told him the whole story I don’t understand.”
“I have my reasons.”
Celeste sighed and pulled the photographs from her handbag. “Both you and I are observers of human nature, Jethro, but we use our observations in vastly different ways. Look at these pictures and tell me what you see and what conclusions you draw.” She gave him the photo of the anniversary party first.
Ducky was grudgingly impressed by how she was handling Gibbs.
Gibbs nodded. “This is the fortieth anniversary picture. You were both younger. I know you’re an only child, Ducky, so these other folks are what " aunts, uncles, cousins, their kids? Nice family group. You really resemble your father.”
“Physically,” Ducky and Celeste said in unison.
“You’re holding a baby, Celeste. The baby seems more interested in Victoria.”
A small smile crossed her face. “She spent every waking moment spoiling him, that’s why.”
She handed Gibbs the Nantucket photo, but he was a step ahead.
“It’s your child.” He looked at the other photo then. “My God, you have a child?”
Ducky looked directly at Gibbs. “We HAD a child, Jethro. His name was Andrew. He was eight months old in that group photo.” He reached into his pocket for his wallet, fished out a dog-eared photo of a happy family of three taken some time later. Andrew had grown, was obviously walking. “He was two in this photo. It was our Christmas card that year.”
“I didn’t know you still carried that!” Her voice caught. Celeste pulled out her own wallet. It contained the same picture. Their eyes locked. Ducky’s hand found hers, their fingers twined together.
Gibbs sat quietly, thoughtful. “What happened?”
Celeste answered. “He ran into the street and was hit by a car. He had just turned three.” She looked profoundly sad. “I couldn’t stop him.”
“And I couldn’t save him. I was right there and I couldn’t save him. Head trauma…” Ducky rubbed his temples to ease away the image.
“You always have to be Doctor. Analyze. Give the dry, cold facts. I wish you could just be ‘Daddy’ when discussing our son.” There was no anger. Just a very tired sadness in her voice.
“An accident,” Gibbs stated.
Celeste replied softly. “Yes.”
Ducky sat with eyes downcast, still holding Celeste’s hand. “We spent a long time blaming ourselves for his death.”
“A very long time. But it WAS an accident. I accepted that eventually. I had to. But it was too late to save "” She pointed back and forth between herself and Ducky, “" us.”
Gibbs scrutinized the two of them. “Perhaps one of you still hasn’t forgiven himself?”
“Perhaps.” Ducky sighed.
“It takes time,” Gibbs said.
“Thirty years?” Ducky shook his head.
Celeste squeezed his hand. “There are other factors holding you back. It’s too easy for you to hide all your unresolved issues in the cellar. Problem is, the monster just keeps growing and every time something else happens it gets bigger and bigger.”
She knew him so well. Even though she didn’t know all of his demons by name, she knew how he dealt with them. He tried so hard to keep her out. Even though he never let her see him cry, she still knew. That was why they couldn’t stay together.
“You’ve always been too forgiving, Celeste.”
“It’s just easier than holding on to the hurt.” She thought for a moment. “’cause it’s easier to try than to prove it can’t be done’” she sang. “Moody Blues…’Blue World’…it just seemed to fit somehow…”
“…and it’s easier to stay than to turn around and run…” Ducky replied.
“Exactly!” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “You do what you have to do. You can’t always avoid hurting the other person, but you can at least be honest enough to let them know where you stand.” It was a gentle admonishment. “You really need to talk to Jordan.”
“I have to agree with the lady,” said Gibbs. “You two really surprise me, though. You almost speak in code " and you can both quote the Moody’s. Well, I’d expect it of Celeste, but you Ducky?”
“Ask him about the Still Small Voices and the old Gibson he used to have sometime, Jethro…” Celeste smiled. “Gentlemen, I really must return to Baltimore. Please take him home, Jethro. My car is right across the street. I think I can manage.” She gathered herself up as she always had and breezed away before anything else could be said.
“She recovers quickly.” Gibbs watched her leave.
“Seems to…”
“’Still Small Voices?’ Gibson? A guitar? What’s that about?”
“We, well, she " before we were married, when she was in college…she sang in a singing group. I’d sit in sometimes. That’s all…”
“You play guitar?”
“Dabble. I played piano as a boy, too. Didn’t you take music lessons?”
“Hell, no. I was the kid that you piano practicers envied, playing baseball, football, all that stuff while you were stuck inside.” Gibbs grinned.
He grew serious again. “Why didn’t you want to tell me about Celeste? And Andrew, for God’s sake. Did you think I wouldn’t understand that?”
“I knew you would, of course, given what you’ve been through. But that’s precisely why I couldn’t. Why compound our personal hells by sharing the gory details? Not that Celeste would agree. Did you happen to tell her about Shannon and Kelly?”
“No.”
“Just know, Jethro, that I do understand what it’s like to lose a child. And to lose the love of your life, not to draw too fine a point.” Celeste was the love of his life. He finally admitted it…
“You, at least, have a chance to make it up to her. I can’t get Shannon back. But you can get Celeste back.”
“At least Shannon knew you loved her. You didn’t behave like a bloody idiot. You didn’t cheat on her, lie to her, ignore her, have her face the cold pit of grief alone.”
“Shannon didn’t have to. Who’s to say if things had been different I wouldn’t have done the things you did? Neither of us are saints, Duck.”
“No.” Ducky sipped his Scotch in silence.
“You know, Duck, I think you and Celeste are a lot alike. And that the differences are complimentary.”
Ducky just looked at him over the top of his glasses. “Too many differences, Jethro. Not so many similarities as you might think.” He fished out his cell phone. He had to try Jordan one more time…No answer.
“Ducky, I’m probably sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong " but you’re my friend and you’re going through a rough time right now. Women are great complicators and at this moment, you don’t need the drama. But you have to face the fact that choices are going to be forced on you and you won’t want to make them.
“Most guys would envy you " two beautiful women interested in you. And if you compare them on their merits "tough choice! Both intelligent, very nice, easy on the eyes. Jordan is cool, objective, logical. Damn good at what she does. Celeste is full of life, funny, a survivor without a victim mentality. No small achievement.”
“I know. When I first met Celeste I thought she was sheltered and fragile. That she needed someone more worldly and mature to look after her. After things began unraveling I thought " when I bothered to come out of my self-imposed isolation " that she’d collapse. But she didn’t. She rose above. She soared. Because I wasn’t there. She went to graduate school and got her PhD in English lit. Published a best-selling book of poetry, of all things. Her one misstep, and it was a big one, was marrying that bastard of a violinist.”
“She rose above that, too.”
“I had to help her pull out of that. God, Jethro, it was horrific. What led her to that relationship was what hadn’t been resolved about Andrew’s death. And growing up with her father. And me. What I did.”
“Something else you haven’t forgiven yourself for?”
“I really don’t know, Jethro. It’s easy to think that I have when I’m around her. But it could just be because she has forgiven me so thoroughly that I’m basking in the glow of her forgiveness.”
“Well, it’s pretty amazing she’s still single given the way she can knock guys like you and me on their asses. Did I mention you were an idiot to let her go?”
“Yes.” Ducky gave Gibbs an appraising stare. “And she’s not interested, Jethro. Says you’re a little too military/industrial complex for her liking.”
“You two were talking about me?”
“Just making sure the bases were covered.” Ducky gave Gibbs a crooked grin.
Jethro nodded, a knowing smile on his face. “Fair enough. In the meantime, what are you planning to do about Jordan?”
Ducky sighed. “I wish to God I knew, Jethro. She doesn’t deserve to be treated the way I’ve been treating her these past few days " Talk frankly with her, I suppose, as Celeste suggests.”
“Celeste is a very wise lady.”
“She has historically had the very annoying habit of usually being right.”
“I can see how that might bug you a bit.” Gibbs smiled. “But what about now, Duck? How do you feel about Jordan? Do you love her?”
“I don’t know. I love so many of the things she does. She is thoughtful, kind and seems to understand so much. She certainly understands the life we lead, the career pressures. We can talk about cases at the dinner table if we want without making each other squirm. Hard to do with most of our friends.”
“Oh, I can understand that…” Gibbs nodded.
“But it’s new. Barely tested and floating into uncharted waters. When I met Jordan I was struck by her competence and intelligence. And by the fact that underneath it all she seemed a bit fragile " seeking something, someone to provide " I don’t know. The only word that comes to mind is ‘solace’ and I’m not sure that’s what I want to say. But I don’t know where it’s going, our relationship. It’s a bit intimidating, I suppose.”
“And what about Celeste? Is that intimidating?”
Ducky looked pensive. “I really hadn’t considered that.”
But now that he had, it wasn’t. If anything it was comforting. And a bit exciting. Best not to share that thought right now. His mind drifted to the memory of the afternoon’s kiss. Celeste had kissed him back, thoroughly, completely. She participated willingly and with every fiber of herself. It was the most real thing Ducky had experienced on that very surreal day, something he had needed desperately. But that should hardly be his focus right now…
“Would you mind dropping me off at home now, Jethro? I’d like to see if Jordan is there.”
“Sure.” Gibbs threw a tip down on the table. “Let’s go.”
Ducky tried the cell again. Right to Jordan’s voice mail. Damn! Now who was being shut out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When he arrived home Jordan wasn’t there, but he could tell she had been there recently. The dogs were fed, the dishwasher was running quietly in the kitchen and a note had been left on the dining room table:
“Donnie,
“I will call you when I’m ready to hear what you have to say. I would like to receive a complete story, not fragments and anecdotes. I suppose that is expecting a lot.
“To say that I am hurt is an understatement. I am confused and upset and feel badly used. If you cannot be forthright with me, we will have to end this which is something I really do not wish to do.
“I’m willing to give you the benefit of being somewhat emotionally fragile at this moment, given the circumstances. But to withhold the fact that you have a child somewhere with a woman that you still clearly adore…I don’t know how to react. I may have to force the issue and make you choose, but I really do not wish to do that. What I want you to do is bury the past and look toward the future, but I know I cannot force that upon you either.
“So I must leave you a note because I can’t talk to you right now. And I must try to sort through emotion that I was just becoming comfortable with; decide what is worth keeping, worth fighting for and what should be let go.
“Know that I love you, Donnie.
“Jordan”
What would he do now? Jordan said she loved him. He cared for her but he was still so unsure. She was right, though. It was time to put the past behind him and look toward the future. He wasn’t a young man any longer and he couldn’t expect a new relationship to feel like it would have forty years ago. Jordan and he understood the same things. They shared a career. They thought along the same lines about most things, reached conclusions in the same way…they had so much in common. They appeared to be a perfect match in every way.
Almost every way…
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