***flashback***
“I think he’s coming around again.”
Tony heard a familiar voice resonating through the dense fog shrouding his mind. Slowly opening his eyes, he blinked in an effort to bring the two men hovering over him into focus. Steve and Coach Hurst were standing on either side of his bed, concern and sadness etched in their weary features. A moan escaped his parched lips as he shifted his weight, trying to find a more comfortable position.
Every muscle in his body seemed to ache, crying in unison for relief. Common sense told him that he was in the hospital, but he had no immediate recollection of why he was there. The last thing he remembered was stopping by the store to get some coffee and…
“Sidney!” he cried out.
Ignoring the protests of his pain wracked body, Tony struggled to sit up, desperately calling out for his wife and son. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks as he fought against the hands that were trying to hold him down. “Sydney! Sean! Where are you? Sydney!”
Looking around frantically, his eyes finally came to rest on his best friend. “Where are they, Steve?” he demanded to know. “Tell me where they are!”
Despite the fact that he was stricken with a sense of dread that could not be put into words, Tony didn’t miss the silent exchange between the coach and Steve as they refused to release their grip. The panic that was consuming him intensified at the unnatural stillness echoing throughout the tiny room. Images of Sydney covered in blood, begging for him to help her, assaulted his mind as his memories began to return with a vengeance.
Tony felt his chest constrict, his breaths now coming in frantic gasps. “Oh god! Sydney! Sean! I’ve got to help them!”
Coach Hurst wrapped his arms around Tony’s trembling frame and held him tight. The young man could hear Steve trying to console him, but there weren’t any words that would take away the agony that was shredding his heart into pieces.
“Tony, I need you to listen to me,” Steve insisted, his voice firm but gentle.
“Tell me they’re okay,” he pleaded.
Steve squeezed his shoulder. “DiNozzo, you’ve got to calm down and listen to me, because if you don’t, the doctor’s going to come in here and sedate your ass again.”
Tony’s mind began to grasp the warning that his friend was delivering to him. He needed to know what was going on and he would not get the answers that he was looking for in his current manic state. His wife and son were gone; he had held her dying body in his arms, helpless to save her or their unborn son. However, everything after the fire seemed to be a total blank and his inability to remember terrified him.
He pulled free of the coach’s embrace and collapsed back onto the bed. Raking his hand through his hair, he inhaled and exhaled a couple of times in order to slow his breathing to a more acceptable rate. He choked back a sob, resisting the urge to completely break down. “They’re gone.”
“Yeah, Tony. They’re gone. We talked about this the last time you woke up,” Steve patiently reminded him. “Understandably, you got pretty upset and ended up pulling some stitches; the doctor decided that it was better to keep you under heavy sedation for a day or two and give your body a chance to heal.”
“Miller,” Tony whispered through his tears.
“Yeah. He’s in custody now. You identified him when you gave your statement the other day.”
“I don’t remember.”
“It’ll come back to you.”
Tony knew that Steve was right, but he wasn’t sure that he was ready to handle the memories. “How long have I been out?”
“The first time, you were out for about two days. This last time, the doctor kept you out for three,” the coach informed him.
“You guys have been here all this time?”
“We’ve pretty much all been here at one time or the other,” Steve stated. “We all worked around our class schedules and the coaches pitched in when we were tied up. You’ve got a lot of friends, DiNozzo.”
“Yeah, I do,” Tony agreed. He glanced over at the coach, who had taken him under his wing and given him a chance to make something of himself. Hurst had been the one to provide him and Sydney with a place to live and now that house was nothing more than ashes, just like the remnants of his life. “I’m sorry about your place, Coach. I’ll pay you back somehow.”
“Don’t worry about it, Tony. That’s what’s insurance is for,” Hurst assured him.
“But still…”
“You want to repay me? Then you don’t give up.”
That was easier said than done. Tony wasn’t sure that he could make that promise. His wife and son were dead; they were his world and now his world was shattered.
“I’ll try, Coach,” he finally managed to mumble.
“That’s all I ask. I’m going to go tell the nurse that you’re awake and then I’m going to grab a cup of coffee,” the coach announced. “It’ll give you two a chance to talk.”
Tony watched his mentor leave and then turned his attention to Steve. “So, what’s going on?” he wanted to know. The serious yet sorrowful tenor of the Coach’s voice instantly set off alarms in his head. Steve obviously had drawn the short straw to deliver more bad news to him. “Well?” he pressed, his patience wearing thin.
Steve sat down on the edge of the mattress. “Um…I’m not sure how to tell you this. I’ve been trying to figure out what to say when you finally woke up and no matter how many times I rehearse it in my mind, it’s not going to come out like I want it to.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Sydney’s family came and tried to claim the bodies for burial.”
Tony pushed himself up on his elbows, wincing at the sharp pain in his side. “What?” He knew that Sydney’s family despised him, but the idea that they would deny him the right to honor his wife’s final wishes was almost too much to bear.
“But they can’t do that!” he exclaimed, his agitation growing with every word he spoke. “What about the investigation? There has to be an autopsy and…”
“The ME has a cause and time of death established for both of them; the autopsy was expedited and Sydney’s parents showed up to claim the bodies, but since the investigation is ongoing, they weren’t released.”
“That bastard! What is he trying to do? She was my wife and Sean was my son! He pretty much disowned her after we got married; he wanted nothing to do with her and now he’s trying to take…I’m not going to let him get away with it,” Tony vowed.
“He’s petitioning the courts to have Sydney and Sean’s bodies released; he says that due to your current medical problems, that you’re unable to make a sound decision.”
“I’ll show him just what kind of decision that I can make. I’ve got to get out of here.”
Steve gently pushed him back down on the mattress. “You’re not going anywhere. Tony, you nearly died and I don’t think you’re in any shape to go and confront Sydney’s dad. You’ve got to conserve your energy.”
“I’m not going to let him have their bodies.”
“I know.”
“I mean it, Steve. She doesn’t want to be buried in the ground. She wanted to be cremated and…”
“We’ll work through it, man,” Steve promised. “You know that I’m right in this with you and don’t forget about Coach and the others; we’re going to get through this and we’ll do whatever we can to make sure that Sydney’s wishes are honored. You’ve just got to pull yourself together.”
Tony nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose in an effort to ward off the dull ache in his head that was fast becoming a loud roar. “You’re right,” he conceded. “How long before I can get out of here?”
“The doctor said that if everything looks good, you can be out of here by the end of the week.”
He knew that the end of the week wouldn’t be soon enough; there were so many things that he needed to take care of. “What about Miller?” he asked, hoping that somehow the son of a bitch had actually resisted arrest and had been killed.
“He was arraigned the day before last.”
“And?”
“He was held over for trial; no bond was set because the judge felt like he was a flight risk.”
“Good. Maybe somebody in prison will find out that he murdered an innocent woman and baby and give him a taste of his own medicine.”
Tony was fully aware of the thoughts and the words that were spewing forth out of his mouth were startling for his friend to hear, but at the moment, hate for Jason Miller was eating away at him and he wanted the man who killed his wife and son brought to justice. It didn’t matter to him how that justice was obtained as long as it resulted in Miller’s death.
He studied his silent friend, who didn’t appear to be shocked at his proclamation, but judging by the tiny vein throbbing in Steve’s forehead and his clenched jaw, his frat buddy was not through delivering bad news.
“Is there something else?”
“Yeah, but it’ll keep. You’ve had enough to deal with today.”
“You might as well get it over with,” Tony stated.
“Yeah, but…”
“Go ahead, Steve. Like I said, you might as well get it over with.”
Tony felt the little burst of adrenaline he had experienced earlier waning fast, but he didn’t want to go back to sleep. He didn’t think he would survive if he had to wake up again only to be faced with the realization of everything that had happened.
“Miller’s attorney is Daniel Wade,” Steve finally admitted.
“The same Daniel Wade that handles my father’s business affairs?” His dad had definitely participated and possibly even initiated some underhanded schemes in his life time, but surely, he wouldn’t condone one of his attorney’s defending the man that murdered his daughter-in-law and grandson.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I was surprised to see him again. After he came and delivered those papers to you about that trust fund your mother set up for you, I never thought I’d ever have cause to see him again. I was at the arraignment and he walked in with Miller.”
He closed his eyes, wondering if somewhere the fates were laughing at him. Maybe he should have just let the doctor knock him out again for a few more weeks; maybe by that time, the world would stop closing in on him. “At least the judge wasn’t impressed by Wade’s mumbo jumbo.”
“No, the judge told him to shut up or he’d be held in contempt.”
That image evoked a tiny smile. “I hate I missed that. So when’s the trial start?”
“Jury selection starts in a little under three months.”
“Great legal system we have,” Tony mumbled.
“Yeah.”
Tony blew out a frustrated breath. It all seemed surreal. He was so tired, but he couldn’t give into the exhaustion; he couldn’t let Sydney and Sean’s murderer go free. Tony knew he would not rest until the judge had, at the very least, put Miller behind bars for life.
Steve glanced at his watch. “I um…got to go. I’ve got an exam, but if you need me to stay, I will,” Steve offered.
“Go on. The coach will be back in a few minutes. I’ll be okay.”
“Stay put,” Steve instructed.
“I will.” For now, Tony added as an afterthought. He was going to use his enforced bed rest to see what he could do about preventing Sydney’s father from taking her and Sean’s bodies back to his hometown for burial as well as deciding if he should talk to his father about Daniel Wade. Maybe his dad didn’t know that Wade was defending Jason Miller. Who was he kidding? His dad never liked the thought of him marrying beneath the DiNozzo name and would do anything to prevent anyone from tarnishing the family pride.
“I’ll be back later tonight,” his friend promised..
“I’ll be here. Good luck on your test.”
Tony half waved as Steve left him alone. He stared at the ceiling, fighting the remnants of the sedative that was still in his system. “I’m so sorry, Sydney. I’m so sorry,” he began to cry. “I won’t let you down again. I swear it. I’ll make you and Sean proud. Just put in a good word for me up there; I’d appreciate it.”
Tony DiNozzo was not one for praying, but at the moment, he knew that he needed all the prayer he could get.
***end flashback***
“Tony?”
The young man was startled from his thoughts, leaving behind the memories that were so seemingly real. Being forced to walk down that path of recollection had nearly been his undoing and was not something that he wanted to do again, but he had a feeling that before this nightmare was over, he would have to travel down that road many times. Tony met the concerned gaze of his team leader as he attempted to focus his attention on his present reality.
“Yeah?” he mumbled.
“You okay?”
Tony nodded. “I’m fine. A little tired,” the senior agent acknowledged.
“More memories?” Gibbs pressed.
“You could say that.”
“Want to talk about them?”
“Not really.”
“It might help.”
The young man sighed. He owed the ex-Marine everything; Jethro Gibbs had taken a chance on him when no one else would and had not only made him a better investigator, but a better person as well. Gibbs already knew more about his life than he had wanted to reveal, but there was something in the team leader’s eyes that told Tony that he was more than familiar with the pain of losing someone you loved.
“Maybe later,” Tony finally conceded.
“All right.” Gibbs took a sip of coffee. “Then how about telling me about why you weren’t at Sydney and Sean’s funeral.”
Tony felt the knot in his stomach pull tighter; perhaps that piece of pizza hadn’t been a good idea. He took a sip of the cola that had suddenly appeared, courtesy of the former Marine, hoping that it would help settle his stomach. Not wanting to look the older man in the eyes, Tony laid his head back on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling.
“Do you know she didn’t even want to be buried?” he tiredly began.
“No, I didn’t.”
“She wanted to be cremated and her ashes scattered in our back yard. She had a rose garden planted behind the house and she said that if her ashes were there that the roses would bloom forever and I’d always have them to remember her by. I kind of laughed it off saying that she would more than likely outlive me, but she’d get this look on her face like she knew she wouldn’t.”
“So, what happened?”
“Her parents petitioned the courts for her and Sean’s bodies.”
“Surely the judge wouldn’t have allowed them to take them. You were her husband and Sean’s father.”
“I know and the court denied their petition. Her mom broke down in court and started screaming at me that it was my fault that her baby was dead and that the least I could do was to let her give her child a proper burial. I knew she was right about it being my fault, but I also knew what Sydney wanted and I couldn’t deny her final request. Of course, the flower garden had been destroyed along with the house, so I was just going to keep their ashes until I got my own place and started another rose garden.”
“So what happened?”
“After Miller’s lawyer got a mistrial declared, I ended up back in the hospital, fighting some kind of infection. I was in isolation and visitors were restricted to just a few minutes every few hours. I don’t remember much except feeling like my whole body was on fire. The nurses said I hallucinated a lot, but with a fever of 105, they weren’t surprised. Anyway, Sydney’s parents arrived to claim the bodies after they were released and they had her buried before I was even out of isolation.”
“Why did the ME turn the bodies over to them?” Gibbs wondered out loud..
“They claimed that they were helping me out since I was sick. Since they had proof that they were her parents, I guess he didn’t see the harm in it; maybe he figured that we had resolved our differences. I don’t know,” he mused. “Sure wish I had known Ducky back then.”
“What about Steve and your other frat buddies?”
“They were out of town for a game. By the time they got back, Sydney’s parents were long gone.”
“What did you do when you found out?”
Tony shrugged. “What could I do? I went to her parent’s house. I knew that Sydney and Sean would be buried together in the family plot on her parent’s land.”
“You’ve been to the grave?”
He brushed away a stray tear off his cheek as he shook his head. “No. I’ve never even seen their grave; since the cemetery was on private property, her father wouldn’t let me set foot on it. I punched him and next thing I know, I’m being escorted to the county jail. I was let go the next morning and I tried to sneak out to the cemetery, but he was waiting for me with a shotgun. I almost let him shoot me,” Tony confessed. “At least then, I would have been with Sydney and Sean forever. But I knew that she wouldn’t have wanted that.”
“No, she wouldn’t,” the team leader agreed. Tony was amazed by the man’s compassion towards him. The ex-Marine’s steely blue eyes brimmed with his own tears that he quickly wiped away; he couldn’t help but wonder if those tears were for him or for someone else.
“So, now you pretty much know everything,” Tony declared. “I guess all we’ve got to do is catch Jason Miller.”
Gibbs cleared his throat and took another sip of coffee. “And we will, Tony. I promise.”
“I know.”
“Why don’t you get some rest?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” Gibbs inquired.
“Every time I close my eyes, I see them. Every time I close my eyes, I hear her screaming my name. I keep seeing their faces…you know that Sean had a lot of dark hair?”
Tony couldn’t find the words to continue. He just knew that he couldn’t face the nightmares that seemed intent upon plaguing him and he didn’t want to be sedated; the inability to wake up from his haunting dreams was more disturbing to him that the images that consumed his thoughts while he was awake.
“I understand,” the team leader whispered.
Puzzled, Tony asked, “You do?”
“More than you know, Tony.”
He forced himself to sit up straighter; there was something different in Gibbs’ voice and his demeanor that radiated pure sorrow. “What do you mean?” Tony wanted to know.
Tony intently watched the man who was like a father to him, bow his head in an obvious effort to gain control of his warring emotions. It was as if Gibbs was trying to summon the courage to speak, which was very out of character of a man who always spoke his mind. “Boss?” Tony quietly urged.
Gibbs finally looked up at the senior agent. “I understand what you’re going through because I’ve been through it, too.”
Uncertainty flashed in Tony’s eyes. “What?”
Whatever Gibbs was about to say, it was obviously causing the older man great distress. Tony could only begin to imagine what kind of painful experience would have such a devastating effect on his Boss.
“Boss? You okay?”
There was no doubt in Tony’s mind that the man before him had lived through his own private hell. When Gibbs finally spoke, Tony never would have imagined that the very next words out of the team leader’s mouth would reveal a part of the former Marine’s past that had also managed to stay hidden for years.
“I lost my wife and daughter too, DiNozzo,” Gibbs rasped. “They were murdered.”
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