Gibbs swallowed hard; his own emotions were barely under his tenuous control. He was finding it hard to believe that he had willingly brought such a painful remembrance to the surface of his memories. For years, he had been able to keep his heartache hidden and in time, he had come to terms with what had happened. Or at least he thought he had. Ever since he had discovered what had happened to DiNozzo's wife and child, his own ghosts had been haunting him mercilessly.
Once he had confessed to Tony that his own wife and child had been murdered, he found himself wanting to tell their story; Gibbs wanted Tony to know that he understood the feelings of sorrow and anger that was consuming him. He could remember how his rage and his determination to see justice done motivated his every action and he could see the same resolve developing in DiNozzo. The journey to find Shannon and Kelly's murderer had been a long and stressful one, aging him beyond his years; he didn't want to see that happen to Tony.
Before this moment, only one other person knew about Shannon and Kelly and he was on a permanent hiatus in Mexico. The team leader owed Mike Franks his life. Franks had unofficially helped him track down the drug dealer that was responsible for the deaths of his family and Gibbs had been able to exact his own form of revenge. Only then, had he finally been able to truly grieve for his family.
Fate could have dealt him an even crueler hand as it had done to DiNozzo and he could still be searching for some kind of closure. Perhaps it had been the fact that Tony had not even been able to attend the funerals of his own wife and son that had urged him to share his past with the younger man; whatever the reason, he couldn't turn back now. The words were out of his mouth and judging by the shocked expression on Tony's face, they had found their mark.
"Your wife and daughter?" Tony whispered, obviously not trusting his voice to speak.
"Yeah. Their names were Shannon and Kelly and they were my world."
"But you've been married…"
"Four times, divorced three," Gibbs explained.
"So Shannon was the first?" Tony clarified.
"Yes."
"Was she a redhead?" Tony shook his head. "Sorry, I don't know why I even said that, Boss. I…"
A tiny grin danced on his lips. "Yeah, DiNozzo. She was a red head. Shannon was the best thing that had ever happened to me. We met the day I left for the Marines."
"Love at first sight?"
Gibbs nodded. "Pretty much."
Tony tiredly smiled. "I know how that is."
"I know you do."
"We had Kelly a couple of years later and I got to tell you, I loved those two girls more than anything," the team leader proudly stated.
"I know that feeling too," Tony admitted. "When I was growing up, I never thought that I had the ability to love someone so much, but then Sydney came along and then she got pregnant with Sean and all was right with the world."
"Yeah," he quietly agreed.
The two men sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts of the lives that they could have shared with their soul mates and how different their present lives could have been. More than likely, his and Tony's paths would have never crossed and he would have never had the pleasure of knowing the man that had become like a son to him. He found himself wondering if he would even be working for NCIS; the reason he became an agent could be traced back to Mike Franks and his involvement in finding Shannon and Kelly's killer. A lot could be said for the road not taken.
DiNozzo was the first one to disrupt the quietness of the moment. "So," Tony began. "How um…how did it happen?"
Was he ready to relive his own personal hell? Probably not. Tony had bared his soul to the team leader, trusting him with something very personal and very precious; how could he not reciprocate the trust? He took a deep breath and blew it out, taking a few seconds to sift through his memories. Unfortunately, Tony took his hesitancy to answer as a sign that he had perhaps overstepped his bounds.
"I'm sorry, Boss," the senior agent apologized. "I shouldn't have asked that. It's really none of my business. Just forget I said anything. I…"
"DiNozzo? Will you just shut up?" Gibbs insisted.
"Shutting it, Boss."
The team leader's grinned widened. Tony's ability to alleviate a serious or intense situation was something that he had always admired about the younger agent. This tactic had served him well not only in dealing with the former Marine, but in extracting information from suspects. Many a confession had been gained because of DiNozzo's ability to come off as the comic relief of the team, but Gibbs knew that Tony's investigative skills were as good as his own.
"While I was over in Kuwait, Shannon witnessed a murder," he recalled. "She and Kelly were placed in protective custody, but the NIS agent was taken out by a bullet and the car they were in crashed, killing them both. I had been injured and um…when I woke up, I was told they were gone."
"I'm sorry," Tony rasped.
Gibbs could see the sympathy emanating from Tony's bleary-eyed gaze. DiNozzo knew exactly how it felt to wake up and have your world completely shattered by an act of cruelty and it was pain that the two of them now shared. No one could understand the heart wrenching realization that they had both had to face upon discovering that their loved ones had been snatched away from them without warning; it was a bond that they would always have between them.
"Thanks," the former Marine said, his own voice laced with fatigue from the burden of having to relive the past.
"Did you ever catch who did it?" DiNozzo asked.
"Yeah, I did."
"And what happened?"
He took a sip of his coffee. It wasn't easy to admit that he had gone outside the law, but if anyone would understand that everything wasn't black or white, it would be DiNozzo. "I put a bullet through his head," Gibbs admitted. "No one knows that, well except for my former Boss. He helped me find the bastard; I did the rest on my own."
Tony nervously licked his lips. "Did it help any? Did it make you feel better after you killed him?"
How was he supposed to answer that question? Knowing that the son of a bitch was dead had freed him from the burden of seeking revenge that he had been carrying around all those months, but it hadn't brought back Shannon and Kelly. He had still been alone with his memories and it had been years before he had been able to control the images that would trouble him day and night.
"It didn't hurt," he answered. "At least I felt like they could rest in peace."
He saw Tony wipe away a tear, trying valiantly to keep his emotions in check. "That must be nice."
Gibbs reached out and squeezed Tony's shoulder. "You'll know that feeling one day too. I swear it."
"Do you still see their faces?" the younger man wanted to know. "Even before all this happened, sometimes I could still see Sydney and Sean's face. I know I really never saw Sean, but I'd like to think that maybe he looked a little like me, but I always hoped he would have his mother's heart."
"Kelly looked like her mom, but Shannon always said she had my spirit. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or not."
Tony nodded. "It was."
"Don't get too sappy on me, DiNozzo," Gibbs teased.
"Sorry, Boss."
"It's all right. Considering the circumstances, I guess it's allowed."
"I guess," Tony mumbled.
Gibbs sat on the edge of Tony's bed and studied the man before him. He recalled how Ducky was always telling him that he and DiNozzo were alike, but even the ME had no idea how true his observations were. They had each suffered a great loss and had managed to cope in their own unique way, but Jason Miller had forced those memories to return full force for both men and now, father and son were left to fight the demons of the past.
"For a long time, I kept blaming myself," Gibbs continued. "I kept thinking that if I had been here instead of Kuwait, they would still be alive…"
"Or you could have died with them," Tony finished. "I kept telling myself that if I had been home then I could have protected them, but I wasn't. While she was getting murdered, I was in the store getting coffee. If I'd been there, Miller may have ended up killing me, but at least I wouldn't have to live with the guilt of knowing that I couldn't save them." DiNozzo laughed at himself. "I know that doesn't make any sense, but…"
"It makes perfect sense, Tony," Gibbs assured him. "Guilt is a powerful thing to live with."
"How did you get over the guilt?"
"I haven't. After all these years, I still feel guilty about their deaths and I probably always will. It's something that I had to learn to live with."
"And have you learned to live with it?"
"Most of the time. There are certain times of the year that are harder than others, but then I just picture Shannon kicking my ass and telling me to quit feeling sorry for myself."
"I don't know how you do it, Boss," Tony said. "I don't how you manage to keep from thinking about them all the time. Even before this whole nightmare began, I would catch myself remembering and wondering how things would be if they were still here."
"I didn't say that I didn't think about them, Tony. I think about them constantly, but I have to go on living. That's what Shannon and Kelly would have wanted, and I think that's what Sydney and Sean would want for you."
"You tried, didn't you? You tried to move on, but no one could take her place."
Damn DiNozzo for being so perceptive. "No. No one could ever take her place."
"Explains the three ex-wives."
"Yep."
"Boss…Jethro?"
Gibbs could probably count on one hand how many times DiNozzo had ever referred to him by his name. It was almost as if a new level had been achieved in their relationship; a shared tragedy had brought them closer together to the point where neither felt as if they had to face their memories alone. Father and son had endured the worst kind of hell imaginable and had survived.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks," was all Tony managed to say as he choked back a sob.
"You're welcome."
"I know that it took a lot for you to tell me about Shannon and Kelly and I want to you to know that I'll take it to my grave."
"I know, Tony. I appreciate that. I just could never bring myself to tell Ducky or Abby about them; I guess I just didn't…"
"Want their pity."
"You hit the nail on the head." Gibbs moved and sat down in the chair beside Tony's bed. "Now, get some rest."
"I'll try," Tony promised.
"You better do more than try, DiNozzo," he threatened.
"Got it, Boss."
"Good night, DiNozzo."
"One more thing, Boss."
Gibbs rolled his eyes. "What is it?"
"I'm glad you became a NCIS agent, or I guess I should say NIS agent," Tony said. "I guess what I'm trying to say is…"
"You're getting sappy again, DiNozzo," the team leader grunted.
"Sorry, Boss. Good night."
He watched Tony settle down, hoping that the young man would be able to find some comfort in the knowledge that he was not alone. Gibbs had always had his six and that fact was proven by the fact that he had been willing to share his darkest secret with Tony. As DiNozzo closed his eyes, the phone beside his bed rang, startling him awake.
Gibbs reached for it and gruffly answered, "Gibbs!"
The team leader smiled at Tony's obvious displeasure at being treated like an invalid. He was more than likely going to have to listen to DiNozzo complain about how he should be able to answer his own phone.
The lead agent was greeted by silence on the other end of the line. "Hello?" he repeated, not bothering to disguise the irritation he was feeling towards the caller.
A click ended the call and Gibbs hung up. "Wrong number?" Tony impatiently asked.
"Nope. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that whoever was calling you doesn't want to talk to me."
"Miller?"
"More than likely."
"He'll call back," Tony stated.
"Think so?"
"He's a lunatic; of course he'll try again. Miller doesn't give up until he gets what he wants."
That statement bothered Gibbs. There was no doubt in his mind that Jason Miller wanted to see Tony suffer and judging by the events of the day, Miller more than likely would not stop until DiNozzo was dead. He made a mental note to talk with Tony tomorrow about a protection detail; Gibbs had already lost his wife and daughter, he would not lose his son.
Tony called out to him as he pulled the blanket up over his shoulders and nestled down in the covers. "Hey, Boss?"
"Hmmm?'
"Do you ever visit their graves?"
"Not in a long time."
"Maybe after all this is over, you should," Tony suggested.
"Maybe I will," he conceded. "You should visit Sydney and Sean's grave."
"Her old man won't let me set foot on their land," DiNozzo reminded him. "I'd like nothing more than to see…" Tony closed his eyes and sighed. "There's no use wanting something that's never going to be."
Gibbs watched as Tony drifted off to sleep. It was beyond his comprehension how Sydney's father could be so narrow-minded and vindictive to the man that had loved his little girl with all his heart. DiNozzo deserved to see his family's final resting place and the ex-Marine was determined to make sure that Tony got that chance.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Jason Miller hung up his phone and threw it across his small apartment in a fit of rage. His plans to torment his nemesis were now foiled thanks to Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. This man was almost as much of a nuisance as DiNozzo.
The yellow roses that he had sent earlier had not been delivered and he learned that he had Gibbs to thank for that as well. It was like the older man had appointed himself Anthony DiNozzo's guardian angel. "You can't be by his side all the time," he muttered to himself. "I've just got to be patient. I've waited all these years; a few more days won't make any difference."
He sat on the couch and spread out some newspaper clippings on the table in front of him; he had managed to collect and keep anything that he could find pertaining to the murders of Sydney and Sean as well as anything else that involved Tony DiNozzo. Miller studied them as he vividly recalled every detail starting with Sydney's death and ending with the judge declaring a mistrial. The expression of disbelief on DiNozzo's face had been priceless. Victory had been his and he had cherished every moment of it, up until the point where his lawyer and his father suggested he leave the country.
His life outside the United States had been one of solitude and misery for which Miller held Anthony DiNozzo responsible. He knew that everything bad that had happened in his life could be blamed on DiNozzo and now, Jason Miller would make sure that his sworn enemy would truly suffer for all the pain he had caused.
Jason Miller was determined to destroy Tony DiNozzo. By the time he was done with him, there would be nothing left of the man that had taken his beloved Sydney from him. He wanted to hear DiNozzo begging for mercy. At times, Jason would dream about what he would do when he came face to face with the man that he hated with every fiber of his being.
No one would be able to recognize Tony DiNozzo after he was done with him. Miller picked up his knife that was lying on the table and ran his fingers along the sharpened edge. He drew blood and watched with fascination as the droplets fell on top of the newspaper clippings, right on top of a picture of DiNozzo's face.
"What an excellent idea…I could start with your face. The face that Sydney fell in love with; the one she left me for. Then after that I could start with your body; the body that made love to her the times she should have been with me. Once I get through cutting you up, no one will ever be able to look at you, much less want to love you; that is if you survive. With every scream, you'll know the pain that Sydney felt when I…"
Miller laid the knife on top DiNozzo's picture. "But first things first. How do I lure you into my trap?"
A maniacal laugh escaped his lips as an idea crept into his evil mind. "Ah yes…perfect," he whispered. "Absolutely perfect."
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