Starless
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS; it is the property of its respective creators.
I have always considered tears weakness; because of that, I buried any tears that I might have wanted to shed into my soul long ago. Maybe that explains why my soul feels so burdened, so aged and wary of life. I wish that my life had ended in that dusty cell, that NCIS had not come to rescue me.
I meant what I said to Tony, I was ready and willing to die. When one has spent their whole life in the line of fire, fighting for whatever side they have been assigned to fight for, the side they were told to believe in, even if they themselves don’t believe in it, you become ready to die at any moment.
I have seen good men and women fall for no reason other than they did not believe in the same things as the person who killed them. That by not believing in those things, the other side determined they were a threat that needed to be destroyed.
I have seen evil men and evil woman live, for no other reason than they had high powered strings to pull on. Evil that survived because people were greedy, afraid, or just plain did not care.
My little sister, Tali, died in a Hamas bombing, on one of her first training missions. I was so proud when she told me she had been accepted into Mossad. I went and bought her a Star of David necklace, just like our big brother had done for me. She was wearing it when she died. She is my example of how good men and women can die; for no reason other then they were trying to do what they thought was right.
My half brother, Ari, was shot dead, by my own hand. I loved him so much, he was my protector, he was always there for me. I remember the day he brought me my necklace. He told me he had a surprise for me, he said to close my eyes and open my hand. I did, and I felt a weight dropped onto it. He said I could open my eyes, and there was a beautiful Star of David. He said to me, “As long as you wear it, I will always be with you.” I wore it when I killed him, I wear it still. Ari is my example of how evil can come in the most unexpected places, and often, the ones closest to you.
I do not know why I did not die like my siblings in that cell. I do not know why I had a savior and they did not. I do not know why Tail, sweet gentle Tali, was killed in the crossfire of something she was not made for. I do not know why my hero, my Ari, went so easily into the darkness of one’s soul.
All I do know is that the tears have finally made themselves known, and that I wish I could be far, far, away, from this earth, for I no longer have my Star, and I no longer need it, since I no longer believe in it.
October 1, 2009
Valerie Portolano
Author's Chapter Notes:
Ziva David remembers the importance the Star of David played in her and her sibling’s relationship, and realizes how it now means nothing to her.