Be Still
Stifling a yawn, McGee made his way down the hallway, cup of coffee in hand. It had been a long night and the younger man was completely exhausted, but he had no plans of leaving his lover in the hospital alone.
Pausing just outside of Tony’s room, the junior agent peeked in, a frown darkening his face when he spotted his older lover staring blankly at the wall, the dark circles under his eyes standing out prominently against his tanned face.
The birth of Abby’s twins hadn’t been easy for Tony. Despite the fact that he’d been against having anymore children of his own, he’d grown attached to the babies over the course of the last nine months and giving them away to their rightful parents had been harder than he’d anticipated.
McGee’s heart broke for him.
He’d promised Tony that when everything was said and done and when he felt like he was ready, they would have another child of their own, but Dr. Simmons had dashed their hopes on that. Though the birth hadn’t been terribly damaging on Tony’s body, the young doctor didn’t have high hopes that he’d be able to conceive again.
For someone who’d been so set against having any more children, the news had devastated the Italian.
Releasing a quiet sigh, McGee forced a smile onto his face as he stepped inside the room. The sound of footsteps against the floor caught Tony’s attention and he turned his head slightly, glancing over at the younger man with a tired smile.
“Hey.”
“Hey there,” McGee greeted quietly, making his way over to the bed. “How are you feeling?”
“Sore,” Tony responded, shifting just slightly on the bed. “How’s Josh?”
“Missing you, but pretty good other than that. You think you’ll feel up to seeing him?”
“He’s here now?”
“Yeah. He’s out in the waiting room with Ziva. I told her I didn’t know if you’d feel up to visitors today, but she insisted on coming down anyway.”
“I wanna see him.”
“You sure?”
“Positive,” Tony responded.
“I’ll go get him then,” McGee said, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to his partner’s forehead. “Love you, T.”
Laying back against the pillows, a slight smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Love you too.”
“I’ll be right back. You need anything else?”
“Just my boy,” Tony sighed, rubbing a hand over his tired face. Closing his eyes, he released another quiet sigh as his lover made his way out of the room.
McGee returned from the waiting room a few minutes later, carrying their son on his hip, dressed in the Superman costume Tony had picked out for Halloween. “T? I’ve got a visitor for you.”
He opened his eyes, the first genuine smile he had given all day crossing his face. “Josh… c’mere, buddy.”
The little boy offered his father a grin as he scrambled onto the bed, wrapping his little arms around his neck. “I is Superman!”
“Look at that, you are,” the Italian laughed, looking up at his partner. “How was trick-or-treating with Nana?”
“Daddy…” Josh started, looking down at the older man’s stomach with a confused frown. “Babies gone?”
“Uh, J…” McGee said, seeing the way his lover visibly tensed. “Nana told you where the babies are, remember?”
“Wit’ A’tie Abby?”
“That’s right, buddy. They’re with Auntie Abby,” he frowned, not missing the tears that were forming behind Tony’s eyes. “I’m sorry, T. I didn’t know"“
He waved him off, blinking back the tears. “It’s okay. I… I should be more in control. It’s fine. I’ve got my boys, that’s all that matters.”
Leaning down, McGee pressed a gentle kiss to Tony’s lips before he pulled away, offering a slight smile.
“Daddy is sad?” Josh asked, frowning as he reached out to touch his father’s face. Leaning over, he wrapped his arms around the older man’s neck in a hug before he pulled away, offering a hopeful smile. “All better?”
“Much better,” Tony responded with a nod, wincing slightly when he shifted on the bed.
Sensing his partner’s discomfort, McGee lifted Josh off the bed, settling him against his hip. “You alright, T?”
“Just sore,” he groaned. “I forgot how bad this is.”
“You need to get some rest,” McGee said quietly. “I’m gonna take him back out to sit with Ziva. Say bye bye to daddy, J.”
“Daddy go nigh’ nigh’?”
“That’s right.”
“’Kay,” the little boy said, reaching for his father. Lowering the boy to the bed one last time, McGee grinned when he hugged his father. “Nigh’ nigh’ daddy. Love you.”
“Love you too, buddy. Thanks for comin’ to see me.”
Pecking his lover’s lips again, McGee pulled away, lifting Josh into his arms. “You get some sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Promise?”
“Absolutely. I love you, Tony.”
“Love you too.”
::::::
Tony groaned as he started to open wake up, his eyes fluttering open only to close again when the harsh light blinded him momentarily. “Tim?”
“Nah, Tony. Just me.”
“Oh…” He tried to sit up, whimpering quietly when he pulled at his stitches. “Where’s McGee?”
“Josh was gettin’ cranky, so he took him home. Told him I’d sit with you,” the older man said, standing up to help his Senior Agent sit up against the pillows. “Better?”
“Thanks, boss. You… you should be with Abby and the babies. You don’t have to sit in here.”
“Wanted to. Sorry I didn’t come in earlier.”
The Italian shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “No big deal. I understand.” He stopped, dropping his eyes as he tried to control his emotions. “How… how are they?”
“Good. They, uh… they look like Abby.”
“Identical?”
Gibbs nodded, studying the younger man carefully. “You know, Tony…” He stopped, hesitating slightly. He wanted to pull the agent into a hug and tell him how much he appreciated what he did for him and Abby, but he knew that was more likely to freak him out than anything else.
“Wow… I never thought I’d see the day when Bossman was at a loss for words,” the Senior Agent said, his voice quiet despite his best attempts to make it sound cheery. “Sorry, boss.”
“Nothin’ to be sorry for. I just wanted to say thank you. You… gave me back the Abby I fell in love with… and the family I never thought I’d have again.”
Tony swallowed hard, feeling the tears burning behind his eyes.
“I know it wasn’t easy on ya… especially last night, but"“
“I’d do it again,” the Italian said quietly, his voice cracking just slightly. “Let… tell Abby that I don’t regret this. I know it probably seems like all I’ve done is complain, but seeing how happy she was last night...” He trailed off, closing his eyes. “I’m really tired, boss.”
“Rest, Tony,” Gibbs said quietly, dropping his hand onto the younger man’s shoulder, squeezing gently.
Closing his eyes against the tears that threatened, Tony released a quiet sigh, praying for sleep to come, hoping that at least for awhile, the unbearable aching in his chest would stop.
::::::
Three weeks later…
The sound of a ringing cell phone sliced through the living room, startling Josh from his movie. Pushing himself up from the floor, he ran around the back of the couch, snatching the phone from the table.
“Daddy!” He called, making his way into the kitchen, grinning when he spotted McGee at the stove, fixing dinner. “For you!”
Turning to glance at his son, McGee offered the little boy a smile before he grabbed the phone, crouching down to pull his son into a hug. “Thanks, buddy. Go back in and finish your movie. It’s almost time for dinner.”
“’Kay,” Josh agreed, hurrying back into the living room, leaving his father alone.
The smile melted off of McGee’s face once he was alone, and it was with a quiet sigh that he flipped the phone open, holding it against his ear. “Hello?”
“How is he?”
McGee sagged at the question, leaning against the counter. It was the same question he got several times a day, and the answer never changed.
“He’s… the same as yesterday, Abby.”
He could hear the Goth sigh quietly on the other end of the line. “Still not eating?”
“No. And I don’t know how much longer this can go on. He’s already dropped so much weight and I just… I don’t know what to do for him. He’s not eating, he’s not sleeping and the only time he gets out of the bed is to go to the bathroom. I’ve tried to get Ducky over here to look at him, but as soon as he gets here, Tony locks the door.”
“God, Timmy…” He could hear the sadness in his friend’s voice. “Do you think if maybe I came over and tried to talk to him--?”
“That’ll only make it worse, Abs.”
“He talks to Ziva,” she said quietly.
“No he doesn’t. She’ll bring him a movie or two, but she usually ends up hanging out in the living room with Josh. He’s not talking to anyone right now.”
The younger man dropped his head to his chest, running a hand through his hair.
“I just…” the Goth sighed. “It’s my fault, Timmy. I talked him into this and it’s killing him.”
“It’s not your fault. He’s… coping. In his own way, he’s coping.”
She started to speak again, but the sound of his lover calling for him distracted him from hearing what she was saying. “Abby, I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you back in a bit.”
Without waiting for a response, he snapped the phone closed, dropping it onto the counter before he made his way down the hallway, mentally preparing himself for what he would find.
Pushing the bedroom door open, he had to swallow back the gasp that threatened every time he laid eyes on his Italian.
Tony had always been in good shape-- surprisingly, considering the crap he ate on a daily basis, but his new figure was more than a little disturbing. In less than a month, he’d dropped the thirty pounds of weight he’d gained with the twins and an additional ten that he couldn’t spare anyway, leaving his body looking too thin and fragile.
McGee had been concerned from the beginning, though Ducky assured him that a loss in appetite was to be expected, given the mental trauma of what Tony had gone through, but in the last few days, he’d taken a turn for the worst. He could no longer be coaxed into eating even the smallest amount of food.
Swallowing back the feeling of rising panic at the sight of his lover, McGee forced a smile as he made his way over to the bed, kneeling beside the mattress as he reached for Tony’s bony fingers.
“How ya feelin’ today, T?”
“Sore,” the Italian rasped. “Time for medicine?”
Glancing down at his watch, McGee nodded. “Yeah, I think you can have some more. You’re gonna have to eat though.”
“Not hungry.”
“Not a discussion. Doctor’s orders. You have to eat with those meds, Tony. You’re gonna tear your stomach up if you don’t.”
“Ducky doesn’t count.”
“Dr. Simmons said the same thing,” McGee reminded him, leaning over to peck his lips gently. “C’mon. How about we go into the living room for awhile, huh? I’ll fix you a little soup and you can eat on the couch.”
“Don’t wanna. Too tired.”
Dropping his head to the mattress, it was all McGee could do to keep from crying out in frustration. “Please? For me?” He pleaded, his voice muffled by the blankets.
“No,” was the clipped response as Tony turned onto his side, a hoarse cry escaping him as a sharp pain tore through his midsection. “Medicine… please?”
“Okay,” McGee said quietly, pushing himself to his feet as he glanced down at his frail partner. “But I mean it. You’ve gotta eat, okay? What kinda soup? Tomato? Chicken noodle?”
“I don’t want soup.”
“Then tell me what you want. If we don’t have it, I’ll go get it. You have to eat, T. For me and Josh.”
Glancing over his shoulder at his young partner, a dark frown formed on Tony’s face at the nearly hysterical look he received. He’d been so caught up in his own pain over the last few weeks, he hadn’t realized what he was doing to his family.
“I’m not very hungry… but maybe a turkey sandwich?”
The look of relief was instant as McGee pushed himself to his feet. “Thank you,” he said quietly as he leaned over the mattress to press a kiss to the older man’s lips. “I’ll be right back.”
Watching as his lover left the room, Tony laid back against the pillows, swallowing hard in an attempt to choke back the sob he could feel forming. All he had left was his boys and for the last two weeks, he’d been unintentionally pushing them away when he needed them the most.
He was done with that.
Pushing himself up slowly, he slid over to the edge of the bed carefully, ignoring the way the room was spinning around him. He hadn’t been out of bed that much, only leaving to use the bathroom. It would have been easier to fall back against the pillows and curl back up in bed, but he was through with hiding.
It took every ounce of strength he possessed to push himself to his feet, and once he was standing, he had to grip the bed post for support.
Making his way out of the bedroom slowly, he leaned against the wall as he headed down the hallway, the sound of his little boy’s voice making him smile. Stopping in the living room, he watched as Josh chatted animatedly to McGee as he watched his movie, despite the fact that the younger man wasn’t even in the room.
“Hey buddy,” he said quietly, his voice raspy from a lack of use.
Glancing up at the sound of Tony’s voice, an excited squeal escaped Josh as he pushed himself to his feet and launched himself at his father, wrapping his arms around his legs. “Daddy!”
Crouching down, still gripping the wall for support, Tony pulled Josh against his chest, pressing a kiss against his soft, shaggy hair. “God, I missed you.”
“You wa’ch I’Age wit’ me?”
“Is that what you’re watchin’? Again? You’ve seen it thirty million times!”
“You come wa’ch too?”
“Yeah, I’ll come watch too,” Tony promised, kissing the top of his head again before he pushed himself to his feet. “I’ll be right in, okay?”
“’Kay!”
He had to take a moment to catch his breath after the short walk from the bedroom left him breathless, though after a minute, he started for the kitchen, swallowing back his emotions when he finally spotted his lover at the counter, his shoulders slumped, looking more than just a little deflated.
“Why do you keep doing this?” He asked quietly, noting the way McGee’s shoulders tensed at the sound of his voice. After everything he put his partner through, sometimes Tony wondered why he even bothered to stay anymore. “It would have been easier for you if you’d stayed away the last time.”
“I do it because I love you,” McGee said softly, his voice thick with emotion as he turned to face the older man.
“I keep hurting you.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I learned my lesson the last time, T. I don’t care how hard it gets, I’m not leavin’. I know it’s not easy for you right now and I’ll do all the work on this one. I just…I just need to know you’re not gonna give up on us. We need you too much for that.”
“Tim…”
“I just need you to meet me half way. That’s all, Tony.”
The Italian said nothing as McGee crossed the room, wrapping his arms around his thin body, holding him against his chest. He could feel his partner trembling, his grip tightening as though he was afraid Tony would disappear if he let go.
“I’ll take care of you, T, but you’ve gotta let me.”
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, his voice muffled by his lover’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Tim.”
“I’ll take care of you,” he repeated, blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall. Pulling away just slightly, he cupped Tony’s chin in his hand, forcing his older lover to meet his eyes. “Not gonna let you go, T. Everything’s gonna work out, but I just…”
“I’m not goin’ anywhere either,” Tony promised, leaning forward to capture McGee’s lips in a gentle kiss.
The younger man almost broke against the sweet touch. Breaking apart from the kiss, he wrapped Tony in his arms again, closing his eyes as he held him, savoring the embrace.
They had a lot to work on, McGee knew, but for the first time in weeks, he thought they would really be okay.
::::::
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
Glancing up at the sound of McGee’s voice, Tony offered his partner a slightly sad smile. “No. But I have to. The longer I wait, the harder it’s going to be.”
Resting a hand on Tony’s shoulder, McGee squeezed reassuringly. “If this gets to be too much for you…”
“I know. I’m really glad you came with me.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way. You know that,” McGee reminded him with a smile as he leaned over to peck his lips. “You ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Tony responded with a quiet sigh as he glanced up at the two-story house. In the six weeks since the babies had been born, he’d been to hell and back and while things had finally gotten better, he knew that if he didn’t do this, he’d never be able to fully heal.
Climbing out of the car, he stared at the house with a growing feeling of panic rising within him. Swallowing hard, he could feel McGee’s eyes on him as the younger man joined him, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“I’m right here, T. It’s going to be okay.”
Almost immediately, he felt the tension leave his body. Glancing over at the younger man, Tony offered him a weak smile as he reached for his hand, linking their fingers. “I know,” he said quietly. “C’mon. Let’s go.”
They made their way up to the front porch in silence and it took every ounce of strength Tony possessed to keep from turning and running when McGee lifted his hand, knocking quietly on the door. He could hear the sound of footsteps from within and before he could open his mouth to speak a single word, Abby pulled the front door open.
The first thing he noticed about his Goth girl was how completely exhausted she looked. There were dark circles under her eyes, standing out prominently against her pale skin and to be honest, she didn’t look as though she’d slept for more than hour the previous night.
But it was her smile that caught his attention next.
Despite the fact that she looked exhausted beyond belief, she looked genuinely happy and he knew that he’d done the right thing.
“Hi guys,” she greeted shyly, reaching out to pull the Italian into a gentle embrace. “I’ve missed you, Tonyboy.”
“I know,” he responded, his voice cracking just slightly. “I’m sorry I stayed away for so long.”
“I understand. I’m just glad you’re here now.”
Pulling away, he offered her a slight smile. “You look good, Abby.”
“I look like crap,” she laughed, running a hand through her messy hair. “But I’m okay with that. They’re worth it,” she said, a fond smile forming on her lips. “You ready to meet them?”
“I think so.”
“Good. I’ve been telling them all about you and I think they’re ready to meet you too,” she said, reaching for his free hand. He allowed her to lead them into the living room and at her insistence, they sank down onto the surprisingly comfortable couch. “Can I get you guys anything to drink?”
“We’re good, thanks,” McGee responded, wrapping an arm around Tony’s shoulder. “Where’s Bossman?”
“Upstairs, getting them changed. We wanted them looking their best today to meet their Uncle Tony,” she said with a grin. “I’m gonna go help him and then we’ll be right down,” she promised, leaning over to peck her Italian on the cheek.
The pair watched as she hurried back to the stairs and after a moment, Tony spoke up.
“She looks really happy, doesn’t she?”
“She does,” McGee agreed, pulling Tony against his side. “It’s because of you, you know. Without you…”
“I know.” Falling into a comfortable silence, Tony leaned heavily against his partner, allowing his touch to keep him calm as they waited. In almost no time at all, they could hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs.
McGee could feel Tony tense beside him. “It’s okay, Tony,” he said quietly, resting his hand against his partner’s back comfortingly.
Tony watched with wide eyes as Abby and Gibbs stepped into the living room, identical pink blankets cradled in their arms. He could feel the tears welling up behind his eyes as Abby made her way over to him slowly, sinking down onto the coffee table in front of him, her child snuggled against her chest.
“This,” she said quietly, placing the baby into his arms, “is Sofia.”
“S…Sofia?” He asked, glancing down at the infant. She was wide awake, her blue eyes gazing up at him intently. “She’s… she’s beautiful, Abby,” he said quietly, his chest tightening uncomfortably as he studied her carefully.
“Her sister is Giovanna. We couldn’t… we couldn’t exactly name them after you, but we thought…”
“Thank you, Tony,” Gibbs said quietly as he made his way over to his Senior Agent, Giovanna resting sleepily in his arms. “We wouldn’t have them if it wasn’t for you.”
Glancing up at his boss, Tony could feel the pain and hurt he’d felt over the last six weeks slowly beginning to fade. It wasn’t easy giving up the children that he’d carried for nearly nine months, but watching his boss with his new family reminded him that he’d done this right thing.
In all the years that he’d known Gibbs, he’d never seen the man looking as peaceful as he did right now. That, coupled with the look of absolute love he’d seen in Abby’s eyes when she looked at her children, was enough for him.
Sofia and Giovanna may not be his for keeps, but he knew that he’d be a part of their lives no matter what. And now, finally, he knew that was enough for him.
Chapter End Notes:
A/N: Thank you guys so much for the awesome reviews after the last chapter! We only have the epilogue left to go after this, but because I've received such an amazing amount of support from you guys, I'm definitely going to go ahead with the third fic that I had planned, and I'm even thinking about maybe doing a short prequel to explain how McTony got together, if you think that's somethin' y'all might be interested in! Sorry this one took me a little longer than I had planned, but hopefully you'll decide it's worth it! A huge thank you to Kelley for her help with this chap again, and thank you to everyone who reviewed! Please don't forget that they help me write faster, so if you're anxious for the epilogue, you know what to do. Remember: Tony loves reviews more than Turkey Sandwiches and Ice Age!