Losing Grip
"Daddy!"
Tony's eyes barely had an opportunity to open before he was attacked by little hands and feet scrambling over his body.
"Daddy, daddy! Up, up!"
"Chill out, Little man!" Tony said, pulling the toddler over and settling him in between himself and his partner. "What time is it, anyway?"
"Up time!"
Tony glared at McGee over their son's head. "I knew we shoulda locked the door."
The younger man kicked him gently under the blankets. "Be nice," he chided, his voice still thick with sleep.
The Italian groaned and sat up, pulling his boxers on before climbing out of the bed. "Come on, Birthday Boy. Let's go brush our teeth." He lifted his son out of the bed and set him on the floor, watching as he took off running toward the bathroom.
Leaning over the bed, he kissed McGee quickly on the lips. "You too, big boy. If I have to get up, so do you."
"Nope," McGee muttered, rolling onto his stomach as he stifled a yawn. "I got up with him yesterday. It's your turn today."
"You have two minutes to get out of this bed, or I'll turn him loose in here again."
"You wouldn't!"
"Watch me," Tony smirked. "Get. Up."
"You are so not fair," he sighed as he threw the covers from his body, groaning as he turned over onto his back again and stretched lazily. "I'll be up in a minute."
"You better be," Tony warned, dropping his head back with another groan as his son called to him from the bathroom.
"Daddy!" The little boy shrieked impatiently. "Up!"
"I'm coming!" He called back before he turned to McGee, narrowing his eyes. "Two minutes. I'm counting."
Waving Tony off, McGee stretched again, squinting at the clock as he forced his eyes to focus on the little numbers. "You've got to be kidding me," he muttered tiredly, realizing that it wasn't even six yet.
It took every ounce of strength he had to push himself up out of the bed, rubbing a hand over his tired face before he grabbed his discarded boxers, pulling them on quickly. Stumbling out of the bedroom, he made his way into the bathroom, grinning sleepily as he watched his partner and son brushing their teeth.
Grinning at McGee through the mirror, Tony leaned over, rinsing his mouth out before he stood upright, turning back to the tired young man. "I wasn't *really* going to turn him loose on you. You probably could have gotten another hour or so."
"Now he tells me," McGee mumbled as he pushed himself off the wall, stepping further into the room before he lifted his son up, laughing when the little boy squealed.
"Dow'! I go dow'!"
"You go down? I don't think so."
"Dow'!" Josh laughed, squirming in McGee's arms, reaching for Tony. "I go dow'!"
Tony reached out and snatched Josh from his lover's hands, turning the boy upside down.
"Daddy!" He squealed, flailing his arms as his light brown hair stood on end. "Dow'!"
"You are down! You're upside down!"
"No! No upsi' dow'!" He cried, reaching for the floor. Tony lowered him gently, laying him down on the bath mat, chuckling.
He crouched down in front of the little boy and smirked deviously at his partner. "You wanna make breakfast in bed for daddy?"
McGee shook his head vigorously as Josh jumped up. "Yay! B'fas' for daddy!"
"The tribe has spoken, daddy," Tony smirked, lifting his son into his arms. "Back to bed with you. We're making breakfast."
"You're gonna burn the house down," McGee said pointedly.
The older man put his hand over his heart. "You wound me, Timmy! I'll just burn the kitchen down. Now go back to bed. You look completely exhausted. Probably should have actually slept last night."
"I would have if someone hadn't kept me up," McGee reminded him meaningfully, allowing himself to be shooed from the bathroom.
Tony rolled his eyes in response, despite the grin on his face. "We'll be in to wake you up in just a little bit. Get some sleep."
"I take back all the bad things I ever said about you. Bless you," McGee teased as he made his way back down the hallway to their bedroom. Closing the door behind him, he walked over to the bed before flopping down on the mattress with a relieved groan, pulling the covers back over his body. It was a big day for all of them, with Josh turning two and truthfully, he really hadn't slept well the night before. He was truly grateful that his partner offered up a little more time for rest, even if he ended up not having a kitchen when he woke up.
"Okay," Tony asked as he pulled the cabinets open, biting his lip as he surveyed the contents. "What do we want to make?"
"Pa'cakes!"
"You just had pancakes yesterday."
"Pa'cakes!"
"You're going to turn into a pancake," the older man muttered as he lowered the little boy to the floor before grabbing the box of pancake mix from the shelf. "You think daddy is really gonna want pancakes again?"
"Pa'cakes."
"Okay, okay. Jeez, no need to get pushy."
"I no push. Tied out!"
"That's right. You get a time out for pushing."
"Is bad."
Tony cocked an eyebrow at the little boy before he grabbed the large mixing bowl off the top shelf. Pulling out all the ingredients and setting them on the counter top, he finally turned back to Josh.
"Okay, little man. C'mere," he smirked, lifting the boy onto a bar stool. He let Josh stir the mixture together, which proved to be a mistake as the toddler managed to make a complete mess of the counter and his pajamas while Tony heated up the stove.
"Oh..." He laughed, seeing his son trying to wipe the pancake mix off his shirt. "You made a mess."
"Icky."
Tony couldn't help but chuckle as he lifted the boy off the stool, turning off the stove and stripping the pajamas off, leaving Josh in a diaper. "Well, there goes pancakes. Go climb in bed with Daddy. I'll be right there."
The Italian cleaned up the mess quickly and pulled down three bowls, pouring Cap'n Crunch and milk into two of them before heading for the bedroom.
"Breakfast is served," He beamed, handing McGee and Josh each a bowl of cereal.
"J said we were having pancakes. Again. What happened?"
The older man looked at his son, narrowing his eyes playfully at him. "Throwin' me under the bus, huh?" He smirked. "There was a...mishap."
"Mishap?" McGee asked, cocking an eyebrow at his lover. "You let him stir, didn't you?"
He nodded, shrugging his shoulders as he sat back against the pillows. "He was so cute when he asked! How could I resist?"
"I no cute," Josh said, picking the dry cereal out of the bowl with his fingers.
"Well that's certainly not cute," McGee teased, wrinkling his nose playfully as the little boy giggled.
"I pay wis Ah-bee?" He asked after a moment, picking another piece of cereal out of the bowl.
"Yep, you get to play with Abby later. And Aunt Ziva."
"An' Gi's?"
"And Gibbs," Tony confirmed with a nod. "But you've got to be a big boy and finish your cereal."
"All gone," Josh decided as he scooted closer to Tony before he attempted to dump his bowl into the one the older man held in his hands. A quiet giggle escaped him as cereal spilled everywhere, covering the bed where they sat. "Uh oh."
A quiet snort escaped Tony as he attempted to hide his laugh.
"Do NOT encourage him, Tony," McGee muttered as he leaned over, setting his bowl on the nightstand before he stood, lifting the little boy off the bed.
"Come on," Tony snickered as he climbed off the cereal covered blanket. "It's not that big of a deal. It was just dry cereal."
"Not that big of a deal? Tony! He deliberately dumped his cereal out!"
"So? It's not like it was something messy that would stain. It's just a little cereal."
"That is SO not the point. It's not okay to make a mess on purpose. Ever."
"Is an uh oh," Josh said quietly.
"It's a *big* uh oh," McGee corrected, narrowing his eyes at the little boy.
"Oh come on. It's his birthday, Probie."
"Yeah, pobie," Josh echoed, a soft giggle escaping him. "Is my bir'day."
Turning back to Tony, McGee narrowed his eyes at the older man. "That's really great. See what you're teaching him, Tony?"
It was all the older man could do to keep from rolling his eyes as he lifted the little boy in his arms. "It's better than teaching him to get mad over dumb stuff."
Setting Josh down, Tony nudged him towards the door gently. "Go on in the living room buddy. Go pick out a movie."
He waited patiently for the little boy to leave the room before he turned back to McGee, narrowing his eyes at him briefly. "You know what?"
"What?" The younger man asked, his tone indicating his agitation.
Leaning forward, Tony pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, his hand resting on his cheek as he pulled away. "I'm not keeping you up late anymore. You're way too grouchy when you're tired."
A quiet laugh escaped McGee as the tension left his body, his shoulders sagging slightly. "I know. I'm sorry."
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah. I'm just... I didn't sleep well last night."
"You should have. You looked pretty exhausted when I finished with you," the Italian teased. "What's going on?"
"I've just had a lot on my mind. I'm okay though."
"You promise?"
"Yeah," he nodded, forcing a smile as he pecked Tony's lips. "Come on. Let's get this mess cleaned up and get out there before he destroys the living room."
"You go on. I'll clean it up."
"You sure?"
"Yep. Go on."
Not needing to be told twice, McGee pecked his lover's lips once more before he headed into the living room, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he spotted his two year old sprawled out on the floor in front of the TV, kicking his feet as he waited patiently.
He'd been out of line to get so frustrated with the little boy, but he hadn't been lying when he'd told Tony he hadn't slept well the night before. He had tried desperately to fall asleep once his lover had drifted off, but their conversation about having another baby had weighed heavily on his mind all night long.
Tony made it no secret that he had no plans to have more children. He knew how difficult it was for him the first time, and if he was being honest with himself, he really couldn't blame him for not wanting to go through it again.
But the less rational part of his brain wasn't happy with the decision.
"Okay," Tony announced as he walked back into the living room, cereal bowls in hand. "Cleaning that up wasn't nearly as fun as watching him dump it."
"Told you," McGee called over his shoulder smugly as he settled back against the couch cushions. "Did you get it all?"
"I think so."
"You better hope so. Because if I find stale cereal in my sheets tonight, I'm going to make you eat it."
Tony snorted in response as he deposited the bowls in the sink before making his way back out to the living room. "You'll be too busy eating something else," he muttered under his breath, offering his partner a devilish grin as he sank down beside him. "What movie did you pick out, buddy?" He asked, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.
"I' Age," Josh said, smiling wide as he hopped onto the couch between his fathers.
Tony glanced over at McGee and rolled his eyes. "Again?" He mouthed.
McGee shrugged his shoulders. The couple relaxed against the couch and watched the movie, relieved when about 20 minutes into the movie, Josh was passed out, his head in Tony's lap and his feet resting on McGee's leg.
"Thank God," Tony groaned, flipping the channel. "I don't know how many more times I can watch that movie."
The younger man smirked at him, scooting out from under Josh's legs and standing to pick him up. "He loves it, T. That's why we watch it. And..." He leaned down and kissed his partner quickly. "It never fails to put him to sleep."
"Mmm...This is true," Tony grinned, moving to stand up.
"No," McGee said with a shake of his head, Tony's intentions written all over his face. "No. We have a party to get ready for. Besides, didn't you have enough last night?"
"*I* never have enough," the Italian said, cocking an eyebrow at the younger man.
McGee rolled his eyes. "You're a walking innuendo, you know that?"
"I thought we agreed no more 3 dollar words!" He pouted, watching his lover chuckle as he carried their son to his bedroom. "Fine! Ignore me!"
McGee looked back over his shoulder at Tony as he walked down the hallway. "I love you!" He called, smiling when he saw his lover stick his tongue out at him.
::::::
Rolling over in the bed, a quiet groan escaped Abby as she forced her bleary eyes open. She didn't even remember falling asleep the night before. Stretching slightly, she whimpered when her aching bones cracked in protest before she curled in on herself again, hugging her knees to her chest.
"Gonna pass out on me again?"
The quiet voice startled her. Rolling onto her back again, she turned and faced the doorway, offering her lover a sad smile when she spotted him leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest casually.
"I'll try not to," she said softly as she covered her mouth, stifling a yawn. "What time s'it?" She asked.
"A little after eight," he replied, pushing himself off the wall as he made his way over to her. "How you doin' today?" He asked as he knelt beside the bed, grabbing her hand.
She looked down as he laced his fingers through hers, ignoring the familiar feeling of tears burning behind her eyes. "Not so good," she whispered, her voice breaking.
He nodded, pleased with her honesty. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to her forehead in a gentle kiss. "You think you're ready to get up? I made breakfast."
"I'm not really hungry, J."
"Let me rephrase. Time to get up. I made pancakes."
He couldn't help but grin at the slight spark that returned to her dull green eyes.
"With chocolate chips?"
"Are there any other kind?" He asked dryly as he pushed himself to his feet, his fingers still entwined with hers.
"Good point," she conceded, allowing him to pull her from to her feet.
She shivered slightly as the warm blanket fell away, allowing the cool air to tease the bare skin of her legs. She offered him an appreciative smile when he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest.
He pressed another kiss to the top of her head before he pulled away. "C'mon baby," he said quietly. "Let's get you something to eat."
She allowed him to pull her from the bedroom despite the fact that she wanted nothing more than to crawl back in bed but she knew that simply wasn't an option.
Breakfast was a quiet affair, with neither Gibbs or Abby having much to say. It wasn't until he was nearly finished his coffee that he spoke, his voice carrying in the empty kitchen.
"You sure you want to go today?"
She looked almost startled by his question as she pushed her pancake around on the plate. "We have to go," she responded quietly as she dropped her gaze to the table. "I can't miss Josh's birthday party."
"Tony and McGee would understand."
"No they wouldn't. How could they? They have no idea..." she trailed off, tears burning her eyes again. "How am I supposed to explain that it kills me to be around them with their son, knowing that I can't..."
Reaching across the table, he gripped her hand in his, squeezing her fingers reassuringly. "They would understand, Abby."
"But Josh wouldn't. We're going. I'll be fine."
He gave a slight nod of his head, knowing better than to push her. "Will you at least promise me something?"
She didn't respond, though she lifted her eyes to meet his.
"If it becomes too much... if you feel like you need to just get out of there, tell me."
She pulled her hand away and pushed herself to her feet, running her fingers through her long black hair. "I'm going to go get a shower," she said quietly, avoiding his eyes. "I'll be okay, J. I can do this."
He watched her go, taking in the way her shoulders slumped in defeat as she walked away from him. "No, baby," he said softly to the empty room, leaning back in his chair. "I don't think you can."
::::::
Later That Afternoon...
"McGee!" Tony called, walking out of the kitchen and into the living room where everyone was chatting, his face set in a frown. "We're out of ice."
"I'll go pick some up," Gibbs offered quickly, pushing himself off the couch from where he'd been perched beside his lover. "Just need some ice?" He asked as he grabbed his jacket off the back of the couch, pulling it on quickly as he made his way to the door.
Tony grinned and nudged his lover. "Yep. Thanks boss. Tim'll go with you, right Timmy?"
"Uh..." McGee hesitated, noting the stern look in his partner's eye. "Sure thing. There's a shop down on the corner."
The Italian simply smiled as Gibbs rolled his eyes at him, stepping out of the apartment with McGee in tow. Sinking down on the recently vacated couch, Tony propped his feet up on the coffee table, his grin widening as he watched his son playing with Ziva, talking animatedly with his hands.
"He reminds me so much of you," Abby said softly, leaning into her friend's side. "Especially when he's like that. You do that too when you're excited about something."
"I do?"
"Mmhmm. Sometimes, I think he takes after McGee a little more than you in the looks department, but his personality is all you. God help all the little girls when he starts school."
He laughed quietly, dropping an arm around Abby's shoulder as he pulled her closer. "You alright, Abs?" He asked after a moment. He'd noticed from the minute she'd walked in that something had seemed off, but he hadn't been able to put his finger on it. Something wasn't right with his favorite Goth. "What's going on with you today?"
"Think I'm coming down with a cold," she replied dismissively, the lie rolling off her tongue with ease. She'd been practicing in her head all day. "Probably should have stayed home in bed, but I really wanted to see my little guy."
"He's really glad you came. He was so excited you guys were coming over to play."
"This was a great party. Ducky couldn't make it?"
"He's supposed to drop by a little later. I promised we'd save him a piece of cake. Arts and Crafts day at the nursing home," he explained. "But it's cool because we figured between you, Ziva and Gibbs, Josh would have plenty of people to spoil him rotten today before they hand him back over and leave us alone with a kid that's overdosed on sugar."
"That is the entire purpose of being an 'auntie', Tony," Ziva smirked from across the room, laughing when the little boy in question threw himself into her arms. "Speaking of which," she began with a cocked eyebrow as she wrapped her arms around Josh. "When am I getting another one to spoil? I keep waiting on Gibbs and Abby to give me one, yet it seems that the job will fall back to you."
"Oh my God," he groaned, dropping his head back to the couch. "Not you too! McGee and I *just* had this conversation last night. I'm not having any more kids!"
He'd been so irritated with Ziva's question, that he hadn't noticed the way the woman at his side stiffened. Nor did he see the way her green eyes filled with tears or the way her chin quivered ever so slightly as she tried to keep herself calm.
"You are an idiot," Ziva scoffed. "Surely you must remember how lonely it was being an only child. Why would you deprive your son of having a sibling?"
"Because it's not all it's cracked up to be," he said, his tone slightly defensive as he sat a little straighter on the couch. "Basically, you go through nine months of pure torture only to have to endure hours and sometimes DAYS of excruciating pain. Don't get me wrong, it's totally worth it in the end but I've been there, done that, not dumb enough to go back for more."
Abby could feel herself breaking from the inside out. What had started out as a slight ache in chest had grown to be completely unbearable in the last thirty seconds. A quiet sob escaped her as she pushed herself to her feet, darting from the living room.
Tony and Ziva sat, completely bewildered for a moment as the Goth bolted.
"Was it something I said?" Ziva asked, her eyes wide as she motioned for Josh to climb off of her lap.
"Don't," Tony said as he stood. "I'll go talk to her."
He made his way into the kitchen, the sound of her quiet sobs startling him. "Abby?" He called quietly, frowning when he spotted her hunched over the counter, her arms wrapped around herself as if she was trying to physically hold herself together. "Oh Abby..."
"Y... you have no idea how lucky you are," she cried, her voice hoarse. "You... You just..."
Stepping up behind her, he wrapped his arms around her tiny waist, pulling her back against his chest. "What are you talking about?"
"The fact that you can have kids, Tony!" She cried, turning around to face him. The sadness he saw in her eyes hit him like a punch in the gut.
"Abby..."
"I would *kill* to be you. And you don't even... you..." She swallowed hard, swiping at the tears streaming down her cheeks. "Do you have any idea what I would give to be able to have a baby? And to hear you talking about it like it's some huge inconvenience! Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"
"I didn't... Abby, I didn't know..."
"Of course you didn't know! I didn't *want* anybody to know! I hoped if I kept it to myself, if I didn't tell anybody then it wouldn't be true. That maybe it just wasn't the right time or... or..." She broke off, covering her face with her hands.
He swallowed hard, unsure of what to do or say. His arms were aching to reach out to her again, to hold her against him and to make her stop hurting, but he knew it was pointless. "Abby..." He tried again, trailing off when the sound of the front door opening reached his ears.
Taking a deep breath, Abby forced herself to stand just a little straighter as she swiped at the runny mascara and tear stains on her cheeks. Her body still trembled as she turned away from him, and he could hear way her breathing hitched slightly as she took a deep breath, trying to force herself to calm down.
"We're just going to have to do without ice, Tony because the store down the street was..." McGee trailed off as he stepped into the kitchen, eyeing the clearly distraught Goth and his guilty looking lover. "What's--?"
"You guys outdid yourselves with the party, Timmy," Abby interrupted, her voice slightly hoarse. "Unfortunately, I think this cold is getting the best of me. Gibbs and I should probably be heading home."
"Is everything okay in here?"
Turning back to look at Tony, Abby offered a slight nod. "Tony was just getting us a piece of cake to take home for later. I'm really sorry we couldn't stay longer."
"Oh... sure... I uh... We're just glad you came," McGee said as he stepped further into the room, wrapping his friend in a tight hug. "I hope you feel better," he said quietly.
"Nothing a couple days of rest won't take care of," she assured him. "I'm just going to go say goodbye to Josh."
Tony stood rooted in his spot as he watched Abby walked out of the kitchen, her shoulders hunched as though she was trying to disappear. He was vaguely aware of McGee staring at him, his face twisted in a look of concern as he stepped closer, his hand brushing Tony's arm gently.
"Hey... what the hell happened in here?" The younger man asked quietly.
"I... really don't know, Timmy. But I know I've got to try to fix it."
Chapter End Notes:
A/N: Hello, hello! I'm back with another chapter! First of all, a huge thank you to those of you who took five seconds out of your time after reading the last chapter to send me a comment! They really do make my day! As a reward, this chapter is super long (by my standards) so I hope you guys enjoy it!
A huge thank you to my bffl Kelley who wrote a good portion of this chapter. I've been fighting a cold this last week and I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for her *motivating me* to keep going, you'd still be waiting for an update! So snaps to Kelley!
I'm not 100% sure how I feel about the last bit of this chapter. It's necessary to get the ball rolling, but I'm still a little apprehensive as to how it'll be received, so if you enjoy it, don't forget to drop me and line and make me feel better about myself! Plus, did I mention I'm sick? Sympathy reviews are always appreciated! :D And remember, Tony loves reviews more than Ice Age and spilled cereal.
A huge thank you to my bffl Kelley who wrote a good portion of this chapter. I've been fighting a cold this last week and I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for her *motivating me* to keep going, you'd still be waiting for an update! So snaps to Kelley!
I'm not 100% sure how I feel about the last bit of this chapter. It's necessary to get the ball rolling, but I'm still a little apprehensive as to how it'll be received, so if you enjoy it, don't forget to drop me and line and make me feel better about myself! Plus, did I mention I'm sick? Sympathy reviews are always appreciated! :D And remember, Tony loves reviews more than Ice Age and spilled cereal.