Chapter Nine
Tony fell silent, snuggling in and burrowing closer. Gibbs hadn’t anticipated or expected this, and though his first instinct was to pull away, he allowed his own body to relax. It was different holding a man, chest to chest, crotch to crotch. Muscles were against muscles, rather than the soft curves Gibbs was used to pressing against him. It was an adjustment, but one Gibbs easily made. Tony’s revelation had softened Gibbs’ resolve; it wasn’t as if this was only sexual. In this moment, it was more intimate than anything Gibbs had experienced in many years.
Tony was boneless against him; there wasn’t any resistance in his body at all. Gibbs envied that. He’d slapped up walls, hiding behind barked words and restraint for so long that he didn’t know how to let loose, and sure as hell not in this situation. Even though he sensed that he needed to give Tony something just as intimate as the revelation Tony had shared.
Gibbs sighed, his gut telling him that he needed to share something with Tony, even though it would make him vulnerable in a way he had no desire to be with the younger man. Or with anyone.
He stroked one hand down Tony’s back and the other through DiNozzo’s thick hair, relying on Tony’s arms around his torso to keep them anchored together. And that was what it was, even if Gibbs would never utter the words. He didn’t know how to explain or describe it, but he knew that the two of them needed this connection on some level that they could never discuss. They’d both been adrift for a long while.
Gibbs breathed deeply, gathering up his courage. He didn’t do this easily. Hell, he didn’t do it at all. All of his ex-wives knew about Shannon and Kelly, because they had to. Even though the marriages hadn’t worked out, Gibbs had gone into them hoping for the best. And that meant disclosing who the two redheads in the picture on his nightstand were and what they meant to him.
“What is it?” Tony asked, eyes focused on Gibbs. His expression was watchful, body language still relaxed despite the sharpening of his gaze.
“Thinking about what you said,” Gibbs started, clearing his throat. He sighed once again, pulling up strength from somewhere deep inside. This was so damned hard. Letting anyone in"even Tony DiNozzo, who was as loyal as they came"had become a completely foreign concept to Gibbs in recent years.
“Seeing your wife and daughter.” Tony said it as a statement, not a question. “It happened, Gibbs.”
“Not doubting you.”
Tony swallowed, eyes locking onto Gibbs’. “Saw them twice more, Boss.”
“When?”
“You’d been in the explosion. You were a bloodied mess.” Tony winced at that. “Sorry, Gibbs. It looked bad"really bad. I know it was only surface scrapes and stuff, but there was so much blood and we thought it was yours. For a moment, I thought we’d lost you.”
A shudder ripped through Tony, and Gibbs slid his hand down, squeezing Tony’s neck. He’d never thought about that time from Tony’s perspective before. It had to have been hard on him as sudden team leader.
“We got you to the hospital. I left McGee and Ziva and met Jenny there. You were lying in the bed, your head bandaged. Tubes helping you breathe. I was trying to play it all off casually, be the funny one, the cheerful one. The images of your brain were on the screen. Gibbs, it scared the hell out of me, and I had to be what Jenny needed. Then she asked me if you looked in pain, and I realized I’d never seen you show pain before. Discomfort, yeah. When you hurt each of your shoulders, a few other times But never pain. And you looked like you were anguished. And we learned you’d been wounded in Desert Storm, that you’d been in a coma. It changed everything, made my stomach fall, scared the crap out of me. Deep in my gut.”
Tony shook his head, another shudder wracking him. “It’s okay. I’m here now,” Gibbs said in a soothing voice.
“I noticed that, Boss,” Tony said, a hand coming down with a tap on Gibbs’ naked ass. He jumped and Tony smirked before his smile faded, his face becoming deeply serious.
“The neurologist Jenny dated for a while, he was telling us he’d treated you before and he’d seen the look on your face all those years ago. And there was a second where I heard your little girl’s voice.”
“Kelly’s.”
“Yeah, Kelly’s. She was telling you it was time to get up. I couldn’t see her and I wondered if I’d imagined it. But I think a part of me knew it was her trying to keep you together, Boss. When the rest of us couldn’t.” Tony sighed deeply and Gibbs could see the lingering echo of the weight of responsibility on his shoulders. It had been an incredibly tough time for DiNozzo and Gibbs was so damned proud that he’d risen to the challenge. And even though he wanted more information on his girls, he knew he had to right some wrongs, here and now.
“Proud of ya, Tony.”
“Why?” Tony asked, cocking his head and chewing lightly on his lower lip.
“Handled a tough situation then…and when I was in Mexico. Never did right by ya.” It was the closest thing to an apology Gibbs felt he could offer, but it was a hell of a lot more than anyone else got. “You became the leader I know you are. Reason why I chose you.”
“Why?” Tony asked again, his eyes shining brightly. It was clear he’d been expecting this for a long time. Hell, he’d deserved it for a long time.
“Why’d I choose you?”
“Frat boy. Three police departments. Didn’t exactly come highly decorated, did I, Boss?”
“Medals never meant a damn to me.” Tony knew they hadn’t; job performance and raw talent was what had always drawn Gibbs and he’d seen it in DiNozzo from the outset. “You looked at me with more smarts than all the men around you. Raw talent, guts, drive. Chose you and never regretted it.”
Tony swallowed hard, the emotion rising, threatening to choke him. He’d never expected this admission from Gibbs and having it here while they were lying naked in bed together was almost too much intimacy for him. His heart raced and Tony fought to control his breathing, trying to keep the panic at bay. He’d never been good with honest emotions and from Gibbs? That was something completely different and totally unexpected. And it shook him to the core.
“Mean it,” Gibbs said, his hand stroking through Tony’s hair, gently soothing strokes that Tony could easily give over to. He was just as tactile as Gibbs, and it had been so damned long since someone had just stroked or touched him. And the fact that it was Gibbs just blew him out of the water.
“I know, Boss,” Tony said, his voice unsteady. He swallowed and cleared his throat, nodding. “I know.” He did; even though Gibbs had never said it before. There was a reason Tony stuck around, even when the urge to cut and run was overwhelming to him some days. And that reason was because Gibbs appreciated him in a way none of his previous bosses ever had.
“No, ya don’t. Not in your gut, Tony. Not in your soul. You only say you do. Know it deep inside.”
Tony cocked his head to the side, wanting to argue, but hoping Gibbs would say more.
“Don’t know. Not how much I value you. Gotta show it more.”
Tony shrugged, wanting to disarm the situation with a movie quote or stupid comment. It was his coping mechanism when things were getting too intense or emotional. But he knew that if he did that, he’d be screwing up whatever this thing was between him and Gibbs. There was no way he wanted to piss Gibbs off when the other man was being so open.
“I’ll try to read you better,” Tony said softly, giving Gibbs an affectionate smile.
“Try to give ya more to read,” Gibbs replied. He got quiet again and Tony didn’t try to break the mood. He just settled back in, enjoying the way Gibbs’ hands were running over his shoulders and back. When Gibbs spoke again, Tony was aware a few minutes had passed. He’d been drifting on a cloud of sensation, his nerve endings jumping and dancing happily as Gibbs had petted, and stroked, and touched. “Tell me about the third time, Tony.”
Tony blinked a few times, trying to bring his mind back down to earth. Third time for what? Then his mind broke through the haze and he focused on Gibbs again. “The third time I saw them?”
Gibbs nodded, and for a split second he looked lost. Tony wondered if he’d imagined it, but knew in his gut that Gibbs had let some of his own walls slip.
“I was doing CPR on Maddie Tyler. Neither of you were breathing. I thought I’d lost you, Boss.” Tony could feel his throat getting tighter, the tension coming out in his words.
“You didn’t,” Gibbs whispered, his hand coming around to stroke Tony’s cheekbone. “And you did the right thing by working on Maddie. Was what I wanted.”
Knowing that hadn’t made the decision any easier, the situation any less agonizing. The pain and anguish of seeing Gibbs there, eyes open, dead. Tony shivered again. “Hardest decision I ever had to make,” Tony finally choked out.
“I know.”
“I was working on Maddie, my back to you, and I heard a voice say “I love you, Daddy. Gibbs…I heard her.” And when I looked up from Maddie, I could see her. She was wearing braids, wasn’t she?”
Gibbs nodded, a look in his eyes Tony had never seen before.
“She gave me a little smile and waved. And then…” Tony shrugged. “You don’t believe me.” Gibbs reared up a little so that he was looking down at Tony.
“I saw them too, DiNozzo. The last two times. I saw ‘em too. Heard Kelly say the same thing. I believe ya, Tony.”
Tony could read the truth in Gibbs’ eyes and didn’t insist, didn’t say anything else. It would have screwed up the moment. Gibbs’ hand went back into his hair, fingers running through the strands and soothing Tony and he relaxed, lulled into a comfortable silence.
“Not quite the sexy afternoon you expected, was it?”
“Hell of a lot more than I ever expected, Boss,” Tony replied seriously. “This means more than sex. There’s always time later.”
“Come home with me tonight,” Gibbs said abruptly. “After all the crap…just you and me.” He looked a little vulnerable in that moment and Tony’s gave him an affectionate smile, completely charmed.
“Thought you’d never ask. I can wait for the sex. This…this is perfect right now. More than I ever thought I’d get.”
“But everything you deserve.”
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