The arms of Gibbs were still holding him when Tony’s mind began to spin again. How should he explain his breakdown to his boss? How should he explain his panic attack leading him to hyperventilate, to pass out and at the end to sob in his arms like a baby? His mind was blank. He knew he could not tell the truth, but at the same time he came not up as usual with another explanation. He knew he was a mess. Tony DiNozzo normally always was a master of deflection, but at the moment he was unable to play his usual happy, childish frat boy persona. He was feeling panicked, still remembering the words on the card, telling him that the man looks forward to see him again.
He did not want to stay here. They knew were he was living, maybe even searched the rest of his apartment, when they dropped him. Maybe they found his badge, knew were he was working, … all details of his live… He could not hide and this thought was sending tremors through his body making him shake uncontrollably. The arms of Gibbs were feeling like an iron cage, trapping him, suffocating him, making it impossible for him to escape. His stomach was turning, bile rising in his throat again and he swallowed hard to keep it down. He tried to free himself of Gibbs grasp to push him away but he did not let go. He struggled. He knew Gibbs was not these men, he will not do him any harm, but he could not stand his touch anymore. He knew he was trying to comfort him to help him, but his touch was making everything worse. He did not earn his concern or care. It was all HIS FAULT. Still wiggling in the arms of his boss he tried to tell him he should let him go “P-P-Please… boss, d-don’t…. don’t … l-l-let me…. g-go.” It was just a whisper, stammered, his voice breaking with sobs and hiccups. The arms tightened around him. “Shhh, it is ok Tony!” was murmured in his ears. He did not understand. How could he?
Tony’s struggles became more, he stammered over and over again “No, no, no…” But all it did, was, that Gibbs was rubbing his hands over his back again. He fisted his hands. He has had to get free, his voice was getting louder, he was pushing against Gibbs chest. He was able to free an arm, launching his fist blindly in the direction of Gibbs and screaming. “DON’T TOUCH ME!” He felt his hand connecting with flesh and the arms releasing him. He scrambled away not caring about anything than to escape. With some effort he was getting on his shaking feet running in panic in the direction of his bedroom and ending up in his bathroom. He threw the door shut and locked it, leaning against it.
His body was shaking violently, his knees giving out on him and he slid down the door. He heard Gibbs voice shouting from outside his name over and over again. He was knocking loud on the door, pleading him to open and come out or let him in. Another voice was mixing with the one of his boss outside, only a murmur to low to understand. He drew up his knees to his chest, slinging his shaking arms around them, burying his head on top of them. The knocks on his door stopped and Tony left out a shaking breath he did not recognized he was holding. Silence surrounded him, embracing him like a safe blanket. His thoughts whirling through his head and at the same time it was feeling like if his brain was blank. He just needed some time to get himself back under control. He needed peace, nobody disturbing him to get his mind back in order. He started to rock back and forth, the movement surprisingly comforting.
He heard a soft knock on the door, followed by a calm voice. “Anthony, my dear boy, is everything ok? Jethro and me are quiet worried about you. Would you please open up the door and let me in?” It was Ducky. Tony was shaking his head violently not registering, that they could not see his reaction through the door. Why could they not leave him alone? No he …. He did not want to be alone, just some minutes to get himself back under control… There was a moment of silence again. Another soft voice. “Tony? Tony I… I am sorry. I did not want to …to panic you.” It was Gibbs. Gibbs saying he was sorry? I could not be, could it? And his voice? It was Gibbs definitely. Tony would recognize it everywhere, but at the same time it was not the voice of his boss. It sounded scared? Concerned? Somehow broken…?
A pang in his chest was digging in his heart, making it hurt. Could he not do anything right again? His boss was feeling so bad because of him. He did not want this. Again it was his fault. He was a waste, could only harm. He was not good for anything anymore. Getting himself to be r-r-raped … B-Begging for m-more … He was weak. He was letting all this happen to him. He was calling, running to Gibbs because he could not handle it, allowing the man he loves and respects more than anyone or anything, to see how weak he was. Crying like a small child in his arms. Gibbs was never weak…
He was pushing him away, h-hitting him… Running to his bathroom and h-hiding… l-like when he was child … h-hiding from his father… A sob escaped him, tears running down freely his cheeks again. “Anthony? Just tell us, if you are ok or if you need help. Are you injured?” Good old Ducky. Always concerned about him. How often did he have to treat him already because he screwed up? “Tony, please answer us!” Gibbs again. He was saying please? “Please open the door, Anthony, or you force us to break in” “NO! NO I-I am f-fine! It, it … just give some m-minutes. Ok?” He answered in panic. If they would break in now, he knew he could not hide it. He would break down again. He heard two loud sighs and then the voice of Ducky again. “It is ok my dear boy. Take all the time you need.” “Y-You … W-will you w-wait f-for m-me?” Tony stammered. They would not leave him alone, would they? He would not survive this, if they would leave him. “Of course. Jethro and me will wait for you in the living room. Come to us when you are ready.” Tony let out a sigh of relief. He heard shuffling in front of the door. “Ducky, I … should we not?” He heard Gibbs say. “Give the boy some time, Jethro.” Ducky answered. Then he heard the door of his bedroom shut…
Silence again. He lent his head back with a thump on the door. He was taking deep breaths. They are still there, they will not leave. He was staring blankly in front of him. Not really seeing anything. What now?
******************
Ducky was pushing Jethro out of the bedroom and was closing the door behind them. His friend was turning around, locking his eyes with his own and sending him his best glare. Not imitated a bit Ducky passed Jethro and headed to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee for his friend and tea for himself, leaving his friend back in the living room. He needed some space on his own to get his mind in order.
He was concerned about Anthony. When he came to the apartment he was greeted with quiet a view. Tony was shouting to Gibbs not to touch him and hitting his shocked friend with his fist, connecting with a crack on Gibbs jaw. Gibbs was falling back on his butt and staring behind the boy as he scrambled to his feet and was running to the bedroom.
Before Ducky could say anything Jethro was pushing himself up and rushing behind Tony. Too surprised to react at first he was snapped out of his shock when he heard a door to be thrown in the lock, heard the hammering of his friend’s fists and shouting panicked Tony’s name.
Jethro was so focused on the bathroom door and on Tony behind it, that he did not even recognized when Ducky was stepping beside him and trying to talk to him. Just as there was no other chance to get a reaction and Ducky did not knew any other solution than to really pull Jethro away from the door with force, he saw how panicked and worried his friend really was, when Gibbs was finally looking at him. What he saw in his friend’s eyes was sending chills down his spine and making him fear the worst. Ducky tried his best to make Gibbs relax and tell him what happened, to understand. All he could manage to make out of the rushed words of Gibbs was, that Tony was nearly suffocating before and they needed to assure he was ok.
Without really knowing what was going on, he tried to get an answer from Anthony through the door. He was feeling somehow, that it would cause more harm if Jethro would break the door and rush in the bathroom. Ducky was so relieved when Tony answered after a while. He was more than happy that it seemed that the boy was not in immediate danger….
The noise of the kettle on the oven was breaking his train of thoughts. It was time to face the music. He was purring himself a cup with the hot water and for Jethro a cup of coffee. He shut down the oven, putting the pot of coffee back in the machine, took a bag of tee and placed it in his cup before he headed with both beverages back to the living room.
When he crossed the threshold, he saw Jethro pacing like a caged tiger. Running back an forth in front of the bedroom door. He has had his arms crossed in front of his chest, seemed to hug himself and never took his eyes away from the door, glaring at it with worry and concern. It looked like he wanted to force Tony to step through the door only by his will. Again he did not seem to recognize Ducky crossing the room, sitting down on the couch and watching him.
Gibbs did not recognize anything. His mind was racing in overdrive. He damned himself for not letting Tony go the first time he was asking for it. Why did he have had to hold him even stronger? >You know, why! You love him!< the voice in his head was taunting him. Oh yeah he did. And he was worried and he cared and… To see Tony like this, so, so… so scared, so hurt, so broken… It was nearly killing him. He wanted to hold Tony, never letting him go. He, he only wanted to take away the pain, caused by, by … what ever…. to protect him. What had happened to Tony? What has caused this reaction? What caused him to panic, to hyperventilate so that he was nearly suffocating, to tense in his arms, when he was holding him, to panic again, when he tried to sooth him, to make him feel safe again while holding him?
Gibbs knew that the only person, who will ever be able to answer all these questions, was sitting scared in his own bathroom, hurt and … and …. Gibbs hit the wall in front of him with his right fist. He felt the pain and heard the crack of bones as his hand connected with the hard surface. It was helping a little bit. He repeated the action several times before he felt a hand on his arm, holding him back. He froze and looked at his hand. His knuckles were bleeding and sharp pain was running through his whole arm. He blinked several times, trying to realize what has happened. “Are you done, hurting yourself Jethro?” Ducky was angry, he knew this tone too well. He gave a tentative nod, casting his eyes downward in shame. Making the floor look like the most interesting spot of the world in that moment. He was guided by Ducky to the couch and was pushed down by him to sit. The gentle hands of his friends started to clean his right hand and to prod on his knuckles. The silence in the room was only disturbed by the sharp intact of breaths from Gibbs and quiet apologies of Ducky while he was treating and bandaging his hand. When Ducky was done he was clapping his hand reassuringly on Gibbs leg and pushed a hot cup of coffee in his left hand. “You are quiet lucky my friend. You seem not to have broken anything during your little exercise.” Gibbs sipped on his coffee and murmured a quiet “Thank you”. They were sitting in silence. Both were too engrossed in their thoughts to say anything. Gibbs mind was drifting to Tony. His eyes were wandering back to the door. What now?
TBC
Author's Chapter Notes:
See summary/chapter 1
Chapter End Notes:
Hi,
hereby the next chapter. It is realy great to see so many hits on my story.
@Hilde: Thanks for the remark that I was choosing a wrong rating. I changed it immideately. Hope to see more of your reviews during my story.
@Kimberly Bourgeault: Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am happy that you like my story. Hope to even hear from you again
@Lady Harold: Thanks also to you for your reassuring comment. I am happy that I could describe the feelings of Tony right and that it was understood in the way I wanted. As I said at the beginning I am looking forward for ideas for my story and will try my best to include them. Out of this I was even more then glad to see your wish, that Tony should talk to Gibbs. Thank you so much for this. Comments like this show me that I am on the right way. Hope to hear from you again during my story.
Hope to get more reviews. Enjoy the next chapter!
hereby the next chapter. It is realy great to see so many hits on my story.
@Hilde: Thanks for the remark that I was choosing a wrong rating. I changed it immideately. Hope to see more of your reviews during my story.
@Kimberly Bourgeault: Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am happy that you like my story. Hope to even hear from you again
@Lady Harold: Thanks also to you for your reassuring comment. I am happy that I could describe the feelings of Tony right and that it was understood in the way I wanted. As I said at the beginning I am looking forward for ideas for my story and will try my best to include them. Out of this I was even more then glad to see your wish, that Tony should talk to Gibbs. Thank you so much for this. Comments like this show me that I am on the right way. Hope to hear from you again during my story.
Hope to get more reviews. Enjoy the next chapter!