Tony’s eyes were unfocused just staring ahead, blinking from time to time absently. He was cold, so damn cold. He knew he was damaged since he was 5 years old and his father started to beat the crap out of him in his drunken stupors. To be disowned at the age of 12 and to be sent away to the boarding school was the best that has had ever happened to him. Never would he have thought that something more terrible could happen to him and never would he have imagined that if it would that he would cause it by himself...
He thought he has had his live under control. After college and the police academy after he changed his job every 2 years he had met Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibby at a crime scene in Baltimore. His life could not have been better from that moment on. Even if he knew that it would never be fulfilled and he would never have what he dreamed about, a life with his boss... It was enough. He was happy. He loved his job, his colleagues, his surrogate family. And now?
Now everything was destroyed. He was not only damaged he was broken. His soul was shattered in pieces. He felt used, humiliated, violated, angry, panicked, alone, hurt, sick, useless, worthless, weak, hurt. All these ways he never wanted to feel again since he was 12. But the worst thing was that he felt dirty. He felt all these hands roaming over his body, the lips, the tongues and teeth of all this men on his skin, licking, biting, nuzzling and pinching. It was like he tasted their cum in his mouth, remembering the weight of their … their cocks on his tongue, the pain as they pushed inside him over and over again. The cum all over his body, some of them shooting it on his face after he sucked them others on his ass cheeks and balls after they fucked him. But the worst was the cum in his ass, slicking him for the next cock, with every trust squeezing out of his hole running down his legs, hands rubbing it all over his back. He was feeling them forcing their seed down his throat, while he swallowed it eagerly, hungry needy for more...
He started to gag again. He bent over the toilette and vomited. With nothing in his stomach he was only heaving bile. The yellow slimy substance was forced out of his body by painful cramps. He felt so ashamed about himself. He was a federal agent. He was highly trained. He knew the risks, he knew how to fight, to defend himself. But he did not see it coming, let them surprise him with the pill, let them drug him. He knew it was all wrong, what was happening to him, but all he could do was e-e-enjoy it a-and asking, no begging for m-more. B-begging for his own release to let his body take control over his mind, giving up and only take it, begging for it, d-doing freely what they wanted j-j-just to be allowed to cum. M-m-maybe he was really a a a s-s-slut as the man said over and over again. M-maybe his father was right all this years and it was only a question of time for him to end up in the gutter. M-maybe he wanted this all his live, was born for it as the man said, lying all this years at himself that he was nothing like this?
The cramps in his stomach stopped and Tony sank back exhausted down on the floor. It has to be the only explanation, why it has happened. Was it really like this? No real federal agent would let something like this happen to himself. Would he? No! A federal agent would not beg for more with or without drugs. A shudder ran through his body, fear was creeping up inside him that it might be true…
Tony shook his head. He knew this thoughts, knew what they meant. He was only traumatized maybe in a light status of shock. He has had heard about reactions like this often enough in all the abuse seminars for his job. He knew the symptoms. It was normal in a situation he was in. Slowly Tony was calming. Others have survived things like this before him or even worse. They still live an absolute normal and happy live after. So there was no real reason for him to mellow in self-pity. He just needed some time to get over it, like all the others abuse victims. He was nothing special. He could even hear Gibbs voice telling him to suck it up and move along.
As Tony became slowly more aware of his surroundings he recognized that his whole body was itching and that he was sweating. He needed a shower. Maybe it would help him to feel better? Maybe if he could not smell all these men again on his body, he could forget about it. He pulled himself with shaking arms up at the sink. He chuckled, shaking his head while he turned on the water in the shower. Of course it would help him to forget. Why has he not thought about this before?
When he stepped under the spray and started to soap himself one thought remained deep inside his mind. Niggling steadily and subconsciously. Was it really abuse if someone was begging for it?
************
After long minutes of silence Ducky could not stand it anymore. Gibbs was still looking absently and worried to the bedroom door and it did not seem like he would start to talk by himself. If he should be able to help both of them he needed to know more what happened before he came to the apartment. He cleared his throat and asked “Well?”
Gibbs jerked around and looked with wide eyes at his friend. He opened his mouth to bark and complain not to startle him but snapped it shut again immediately as he saw the concerned look of Ducky. “Why don’t you tell me why we are sitting on a late Sunday afternoon on the couch in Tony’s apartment, Jethro?”
Gibbs blinked, opening and closing his mouth several times thinking about what to say. “I assume you have had a reason for Timothy to call me and asked me to come here?” asked Ducky not surprised at all, that Jethro seem to need some time to form words.
Gibbs eyes shifted to the coffee cup in his left hand. “Yeah, yeah I had.” Shaking his head and chuckling sarcastically he added. “No not had, I have a reason, Ducky. He was calling me at home and when I picked up I only heard someone wheezing. It was only luck that I checked the display of my phone for who was calling me before I answered the call. If not, I … I could have never known it was Tony. He … he did not answer and all I heard was him struggling to breath. I called McGee to trace his phone. I thought, no I knew something was wrong. When I came here I first checked the whole apartment, I could not be sure if maybe someone was here. Tony, he … he was still wheezing and it was getting worse. His pulse was so fast and his lips they were so blue.” Gibbs stood up and started to pace again. This time in front of the couch. “No matter what I tried he did not react. I tapped his face, called his name, shook him by the shoulders. Oh God, I thought, I thought I … I would loose him, Duck!” Gibbs voice was dropping at the end and he stepped to the big window in the room looking out of it absently. He took a sip of his now lukewarm coffee. After some moments he started to talk again a small tender smile in his face. “I slapped him at the back of his head and he reacted, opened his eyes.” The smile was gone as fast as it came as Jethro began to talk about what happened after “He was hyperventilating. He did not get enough air. I was holding his hand to my chest told him to breath in and out like during his recovery from the plague. First it seemed to work and his breathing was getting more normal and then I don’t know what happened. He was panicking again, trying to scramble away, like he did not recognize who I was. He was looking so frightened and started to cry. I started to hold him. Trying to sooth him and at first… At first it worked. He calmed down and his breathing was nearly back to normal. Then he started to tense and wanted me to release him. But I did not really recognize it, he was still crying and …. and… He started to struggle and then pushed me away shouted that I should not touch him, hit me and ran to the bathroom.”
Gibbs turned away from the window facing his friend again. “What is wrong with him, Duck?” Dr. Mallard stood up and stepped in front of his friend. “I’m afraid I cannot answer that question. But from what you told me it seems our boy was having a panic attack. Even if I cannot tell you what caused it, I can assure you it has had nothing to do with what you did.” “DUCKY HE WAS HITTING ME!” Gibbs all but yelled back. “HOW COULD IT NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?” “Leroy Jethro Gibbs!” Duckys voice was firm not allowing backtalk. “I am sure when Anthony woke up he was not aware at all about his surroundings. He was surely confused, maybe frightened and something triggered the reaction we witnessed. Certainly you got nothing to do with it and could not know what will happen. You have had his best interest in mind. I know you are worried and I know you care, but this is not the time to blame you for something which was not your fault. This boy in there is clearly in distress and the last thing he needs is you to panic as well.” Gibbs nodded shortly and answered resigned. “Yeah you are right, Duck!” Ducky knew it was the closest thing he would get as an apology from his friend.
Shaking his head lightly Ducky continued. “He is in there since about 30 minutes now. We should give him some more time and check on him again if he will not come out soon.” A noise of a running shower was causing both to snap their eyes to the bedroom door. It was the first sign of live since Tony answered through the bathroom door before. The tension was leaving Gibbs shoulders a little bit. The silence before was worst. Not to know if Tony was ok or maybe lying in the bathroom and not be able to breath again…
Ducky patted him on his shoulder. Relieved to hear Tony moving. After what Gibbs told him, he feared, that it was maybe not the right decision to leave Tony alone in the bathroom, that he might start having difficulties again to breath. He shook his head. >Don’t start this train of thought Donald. The voice of Anthony was shaky but strong enough. You are a doctor you would have heard it in his voice, if there would have been a possibility for him to suffocate again!< the voice in his head told him, sounding surprisingly like his mentor on the medical University in Scotland. “How about an other cup of coffee Jethro? I surly would appreciate another cup of tee” Ducky said and started to walk to the kitchen followed by Gibbs. “Have I ever told you about my good old friend and mentor Professor Stapelton? We meat during my second semester at the University in Scotland. The circumstances were quiet… let me say delicate, which caused a big scandal within the faculty….”
TBC
Author's Chapter Notes:
See summary/chapter 1
Chapter End Notes:
Hi,
@Lady Harold: It was angsty, wasn't it? :-) Glad you liked it. I am a real Tony whump junkee and it will still take a while for Tony to trust Gibbs enough :-)And I will not say anything about the outcome of the talk which of course will happen sooner or later. Don't want to say to much too early... :-)Have still some surprises in mind. I was so happy to see another comment from you today. Thaaank you so much.
To all readers: Have fun with the next chapter! It would be nice to know what others think about my story. Who am I kidding: You recognized it already. I am begging for more reviews here! lol
@Lady Harold: It was angsty, wasn't it? :-) Glad you liked it. I am a real Tony whump junkee and it will still take a while for Tony to trust Gibbs enough :-)And I will not say anything about the outcome of the talk which of course will happen sooner or later. Don't want to say to much too early... :-)Have still some surprises in mind. I was so happy to see another comment from you today. Thaaank you so much.
To all readers: Have fun with the next chapter! It would be nice to know what others think about my story. Who am I kidding: You recognized it already. I am begging for more reviews here! lol