Tony’s body was working on autopilot. He knew that, but was unable to snap out of it. Unwilling. He soaped himself, washed, soaped again and again until the water was cooling and it was getting uncomfortable under the spray. He stepped out, dried of with a towel, slung it around his hips and brushed his teeth. He forced the brush again and again over his teeth and gum until it hurt. To get rid of the taste of cum and bile, he knew which was impossible to be still there.
When he stepped into the bedroom he started to rummage in his closet, pulling out subconsciously the widest sweatpants, t-shirt, boxers and sweatshirt he owned and dressed. Not once was he looking in the mirror. Not when he was in the bathroom and not the big one in his bed room. He added a pair of thick socks and headed to his living room. His mind blank and feeling numb, he forgot totally that he has had visitors in his apartment. When he stepped over the threshold, hugging himself, he startled and jumped when he saw Gibbs and Ducky on his couch. Taking one step back, he wondered how he could forget that both of them were there.
“Ah Anthony, my dear boy! I suppose you feel better?” Ducky asked as he and even Gibbs stood or better said jumped up from the couch. Vaguely registering Ducky’s words Tony tensed and could only nod. Damn it! Maybe he was loosing it completely now. How could he not think about that Gibbs and Ducky were here and now he was standing in his living room facing both men and did not know what to do next. They would want answers. Answers Tony did not want to give. Never.
He stared at both of them unable to look away. Ducky was smiling fondly at him. His eyes open and concerned but patient. He was obviously worried but even somehow relaxed. Gibbs on the other hand… Tony did not remember any time he saw his boss like this. His face normally stoic and guided with a blank look was in turmoil. He could make out lines of tension all over it. His lips were pressed together in a tight line. His jaw was flexing like he was chewing on something. His normally neat hair was an arrangement of chaos, sticking in various directions. A clear picture that someone has had shoved his hands through it several times. Tony could see the vein at Gibbs temple pulsing. Normally it was a sign that Gibbs was angry, but this time the rest of his face was not fitting in. Gibbs Adam’s apple was bobbing up and down, while he tried to swallow rapidly. His shoulders were tense, damn his whole body was tense. He was clenching his fists on his side and his eyes… His eyes… Tony could not really describe it. They were dark blue, sparkling, glistering. So many emotions were flashing through them rapidly, switching so fast that if Tony would have not focused as he did he would have not seen them. Worried, concerned, hopeful, sorrowed, understanding, nervous, unsecure, determined, passionate, truthful, trustful, confident, fearful and then all over again and again, mixed underneath steadily with … and Tony could not understand why, but it was clearly there… love.
If things were different Tony would have rushed to Gibbs pulled him in a tight embrace and kissed him senseless in this very moment. But things were different and it became all to clear when Ducky took some steps in his direction, wanting to pat him on the shoulder and Tony flinched away. Stumbling while he stepped backwards nearly falling into the small sideboard on his right. All the pictures of his friends, his team, his college buddies and mother standing on top of it tumbled over from the impact and rattled, clashed as they were falling on the surface and his living room floor. The glass of the frames shattered in million little pieces as they hit the ground...
The next thing Tony recognized was Ducky apologizing over and over again, to have startled him, telling him that he was sorry, Gibbs rushed over, knelt down and started to pick up the frames and photos of the ground. Tony was standing there frozen, blinking, looking at his live lying in pieces in front of him at his feet and chuckling inwardly about the symbolism of what has had just happened.
Tony knelt down, not really registering that his knees were digging in the sheds of glass piercing his skin through the thin fabric of his sweatpants. Reaching with shaking hands for a photo of Kate he stammered all over again in a slight whisper. “It is ok. It was my fault.” And it was. It was all his fault. Kate got shot because of him, because he was not fast enough to push her out of the way. Because he was distracted, joking. Paula died, because he was not fast enough to stop the terrorist, did not jump to the room first before Paula did. Jenny died because he was not caring what she was up to, because he wanted to enjoy his free afternoon in LA. His mother died because he wanted to go ice skating in the park and did not give up to beg for it until she drove him there on the icy roads just to crash down the hill on their way there. And it was his fault, that he was raped by 25 men, letting them shatter his live in tiny little pieces like the photos in front of him…
Tony felt strong, callused hands grabbing his wrists and heard the calming voice of Gibbs. “It was not your fault Tony. It is ok. Let go.” Let go? What should he let go? And how could it not be his fault? Did Gibbs not see it? “Tony, you are hurting yourself. Let go.” He didn’t feel like hurting, just numb. “Anthony, my dear boy, open your hands.” Why should he open his hands, he did not close them, did he? Tony’s eyes drifted down. His hands were fisted around the broken frame of Kate’s photo. Why was it red? He has had to clean it. She did not deserved to be dirty. “I have to clean it.” Tony whispered. “Her photo, she … I have to clean it.” “Why don’t you give it to me and I will take care of it, Tony.” Tony’s eyes drifted to Gibbs, who was looking tenderly at him. Tony nodded, loosened his grip on the frame and let Gibbs take the photo. To hands gripped him gently on his upper arms. “Let us sit down on the couch, Anthony. Jethro will take care of the rest.” It was always like this, wasn’t it? Gibbs took always care of the mess he caused. He would leave it to him and everything will be all right again. Wouldn’t it?
Ducky pulled him up, led him to the couch and gently pushed him down. The gentle fingers of Ducky started to prod his hands. But why? He did not hurt, he was ok. “I’m fine.” Tony whispered. “Don’t worry, Anthony. I just want to make sure it stays like this, ok?” Tony nodded again. He understood that. Really, he did. His eyes drifted to his hands again. They were dirty. The same liquid like on Kate’s photo. Maybe he did not shower enough before, did not clean enough and caused now all this mess, staining the photo and his hands and sweatpants. They were dirty too. At his knees. “I have to clean up.” Tony said. “It is ok, Tony. Ducky will take care of it.” Gibbs said, squeezing his shoulder. When did Gibbs sat down next to him? And why was he looking at him like this? When they could see the red substance on him, maybe they could even see the rest? Maybe he really did not shower enough and they could see the cum of all this men on his body? “I have to shower, I am dirty.” Tony said. “No Tony. No you are not. You are just bleeding. You cut your hands and knees at the glass.” Gibbs said. Glass? Which glass? And when he cut himself why was it not hurting? They have to be wrong. “It doesn’t hurt.” Tony said as if it would explain everything. He was tired. So damn tired. And dizzy. The living room was spinning lightly and Tony closed his eyes leaning back on the couch, not registering the strong arms which were holding him. Not feeling the chest of Gibbs behind him and the warmth of his body as he rested on it. He did not recognize the hand carding through his hair while Ducky bandaged his hands as he drifted exhausted and slowly in a restless sleep.
TBC
Author's Chapter Notes:
See summary/chapter 1
Spoilers season 2-6
Spoilers season 2-6
Chapter End Notes:
Hi everybody,
here again the next chapter. Hope you enjoy it.
@Kimberly Bourgeault: Thanks for your comment. I am happy to have surprised a little bit by the fact that Ziva was responsible. I hereby promise more surprises to follow in the future chapters. Hope to hear from you again.
@Jackie: Great to hear that you like my story. Yes I plan to post regulary and as fast as possible. Hate it by myself if I start to read a story and authors take to long to update. Sometimes even so long that I already forgot what the story was about. So I will try my best to not let it happen with my own stories and post regulary. Hope to hear from you again.
@Lady Harold: I understand that you are shocked about Ziva. But this was exactly what I wanted to do with this. :-) It feels great to have succeeded. I would not say I hate Ziva in the show, but as mentioned before I just don't like what the writers do with her character. She has so much more potential. When the character started in season 3 it was different. Let me say even through out season 5, but in the middle of season 6 it changed and I found it really sad. However in my story of course you are allowed to hate her. :-) Have still some ideas in my head I want to include here in the future. Hope you stay with me and to hear from you again.
here again the next chapter. Hope you enjoy it.
@Kimberly Bourgeault: Thanks for your comment. I am happy to have surprised a little bit by the fact that Ziva was responsible. I hereby promise more surprises to follow in the future chapters. Hope to hear from you again.
@Jackie: Great to hear that you like my story. Yes I plan to post regulary and as fast as possible. Hate it by myself if I start to read a story and authors take to long to update. Sometimes even so long that I already forgot what the story was about. So I will try my best to not let it happen with my own stories and post regulary. Hope to hear from you again.
@Lady Harold: I understand that you are shocked about Ziva. But this was exactly what I wanted to do with this. :-) It feels great to have succeeded. I would not say I hate Ziva in the show, but as mentioned before I just don't like what the writers do with her character. She has so much more potential. When the character started in season 3 it was different. Let me say even through out season 5, but in the middle of season 6 it changed and I found it really sad. However in my story of course you are allowed to hate her. :-) Have still some ideas in my head I want to include here in the future. Hope you stay with me and to hear from you again.