*****************************
Previously:
Images flashed in Gibbs' mind, a baby on his doorstep covered in dirt and blood, a cheeky little boy grinning and getting into all kinds of mischief; looking at him innocently, blonde curls and first steps melted together with memories of sparkling green eyes, soft loving cuddles and one word - 'Da-dee'!
Gibbs was running full pelt as the out of control car slammed into the side of Ducky's Morgan, a grief-stricken cry escaping his lips.
"TONY!"
****************************
He sat frozen to the spot; the only movement was the slight trembling of his body from shock, loss and pain. His stoic expression gave no indication to the grief he felt inside, so raw, so agonizing it was tearing at his very soul. The only evidence of that grief was playing across his ice blue eyes, eyes that despite the situation shed not a tear, but which blazed with anguish and desperation, eyes that were fixated on the small white coffin before him.
He'd seen the twisted metal and the shattered glass of the vehicle, and yet the whole scenario was still hard to comprehend - it seemed as though he was caught up in some hellish nightmare. However, the first night back in his all too silent house, compounded now with seeing the small white coffin adorned in white roses, was drumming home to him the all too terrifying reality.
Gibbs was barely aware of the other mourners who had gathered together to say their goodbyes. Instead, his thoughts were occupied with all the 'firsts' he would never see, all the dreams that would never be reached, all the hugs, kisses, laughter and love that would never again brighten his day. The outpouring of sympathy, the whispers and murmurs of "I'm sorry for your loss" didn't mean a thing. Nothing meant anything anymore.
And as the small coffin was slowly lowered into the ground, Gibbs' heart shattered into a million pieces, his world crumbled down leaving only darkness, as a single tear trickled down his cheek.
**************************************
No one should ever have to bury a child, Gibbs thought bitterly and today he had come close - too damn close - to burying another. Memories of the day he buried Kelly flashed vividly through his mind in shocking accuracy and made his heart ache at the remembrance. However there was also another reason for his now aching heart and that reason his son, Tony, was lying completely still in the small cot before him in the pediatrics' ward of the hospital. His frame looked smaller and more fragile than usual with various wires attaching him to a machine monitoring his vital signs. An oxygen mask practically covering his too pale face, bright white bandages around his head, and his arm where an IV line was pumping who knows what into his small body. Tony was wearing nothing but a diaper and Gibbs could see the bruising from the poor boy's cracked ribs starting to appear, he could also see the various cuts on his arms and legs from the shattered glass of the windows, some of which had required stitches. It hurt to see his little boy this way, but what had really stabbed at his soul was what happened when Tony had been freed from the car.
******* FLASHBACK*********
"TONY!"
The agonized yell was torn from his lips, he remembered now. He could hear the slapping of his feet against the pavement as he raced over to Ducky's vehicle (The older man running just behind him). A couple of bystanders were already calling an ambulance. The man driving the other car was conscious and had a large gash above his eye and, from the amount of blood pouring from his face, what looked to be a possible broken nose from the air bag deployment. Gibbs didn't stop to look, instead letting the other bystanders take care of the injured man; his focus was on the Morgan and the little boy it held inside.
The driver side of the car had taken the worst of the impact. It was completely crushed - windows shattered, metal bent and buckled… The passenger side was not much better. The force of the impact had pushed the car and it was now wedged between the light post (which looked in danger of falling over) and the other vehicle. The sight was sickening to say the least but the most terrifying part of the whole mess was the complete and total silence being emitted from the car - nothing, not a peep.
Gibbs peered into the shattered window and his breath caught in his throat. Tony had a gash on his forehead which was bleeding sluggishly - numerous other cuts and scrapes covered his little arms and legs and his face was pale, his eyes closed. In desperation Gibbs tried to open the door of the car to reach the little boy, but nothing would budge. Ducky was trying to get in the other side but again nothing.
It was then that Gibbs heard the most beautiful sound in the world - a soft whimpering as Tony started to stir from his unconscious state. The whimpering soon turning in to screams as consciousness returned fully, but despite the heartbreak in those screams Gibbs could only feel joy - a screaming Tony was an alive Tony.
It felt like hours, everything moving in slow motion, but in fact it was only about 10 minutes after the initial accident that the emergency service personnel managed to cut open the car and free Tony - who was in a right state as the shock and pain caught up to him.
As the EMT's started to assess the little boy for injuries, Gibbs sat by his side and tried to comfort him. However, that only seemed to make things worse. His screaming got louder and more desperate and he started to thrash about even more, his pain-filled, unfocussed green eyes were looking about wildly for something - or someone. It was only when Ducky appeared that Tony calmed down, if only slightly, and reached out frantically for the older man. Ducky took him into his arms and tried to calm him and hold him still while the EMT's continued their assessment, all the while Tony continued to scream in pain and confusion, clinging to his 'Pa' like a lifeline.
Gibbs' face must have betrayed the crushing emotion he felt at Tony's rejection, as Ducky was looking at him with sympathy while soothing the boy in his arms. Suddenly, Gibbs realized with dawning horror that yes, he remembered.
But so did Tony.
****END FLASHBACK*****
Gibbs was pulled from his memories by a soft pat to his shoulder,
"Jethro." Dr (Ducky) Mallard spoke softly.
"What'd the Doctor say, Duck?" Gibbs spoke without turning to face his old friend, his son's Grandpa; instead he continued to stare at Tony's face. He looked so peaceful, a complete opposite to the screaming mess he was when first brought in. Being mindful not to bump or disturb any of the bandaging on the poor boy's head, Gibbs ran a hand through the damp curls of Tony's hair, sweat from his rising temperature matting them together.
"Dr Morrissey says young Anthony was very lucky," Ducky looked fondly at the small boy on the bed. "His rising temperature is most likely due to the shock and trauma the dear boy has been through today. However, they are monitoring him closely and increasing the dose of antibiotic as a precaution. Despite Anthony's concussion he is sedated at the moment, and they will start to wean him off and wake him in the next few hours. At that stage they will start with more of the pain medication if needed. Sedating someone after a head trauma is not always the best course of treatment - however, it was quite necessary for young Anthony when they removed the glass shards and stitched up the worst of the wounds."
Ducky stopped briefly, emotion getting caught in his own throat at the description and the realization at how close he had come to losing his grandson. He reached over and gently placed his hand on the little boy's arm. Taking a deep breath he began again.
"Dr Morrissey is keen to end sedation, she insists it was the best course of treatment and I have to agree with her assessment. They are, again, monitoring him closely; the oxygen mask is just a precaution and will be removed once he wakes. He has two cracked ribs from the seatbelt, and some bruising, which although painful will be controlled by the pain medication and should heal quite nicely in a few weeks. Angela, sorry, I should say Dr Morrissey, will be in to wrap and stabilize Anthony's ribs soon."
Ducky sat in the chair on the other side of the cot and watched his friend's face as he digested the information, Gibbs raised his gaze from his son's face to look him in the eye and spoke with raw emotion clearly echoing in his tone,
"So….. He will be okay, Duck?"
"Yes, Jethro, he will be fine. His ribs will take a couple of weeks to heal properly, but he will be alright."
"Thank god, I thought …. Geez, I nearly lost him, Duck…"
Ducky saw the hope flash in his friends eyes, before that hopeful look was replaced by one of self-hatred. Jethro didn't have to say anything - his eyes said it all. He was blaming himself for this, for the fact that his son was hurting physically - but moreover emotionally. Normally his friend could hide his feelings quite well, but he was still injured himself, exhausted beyond reason, his emotions and memories still wreaking havoc on the normally infallible man.
"Jethro, it's not your fault. You were caught in an explosion and lost your memory. That is not your fault. You were injured and confused; you shouldn't have even been out of hospital yet, let alone up in MTAC. And Anthony didn't mean to push you away; he is too young to understand. He was hurting, injured and his concussion was confusing him. Let him rest, show him love and in a day or two things will be fine again. You'll see"
Gibbs grunted, but made no other reply as his focus shifted again to the boy in the bed.
********************************
True to Ducky's word, things had taken a couple of days to settle down. The first day was a disaster. From the moment Tony awoke from his sedation he cried, soothed only by his 'Pa' and an increase in the pain medication. Tony sobbed even in his sleep and refused to leave the safety of his pa's arms. The little boy didn't go to his daddy once, and cried every time Gibbs came close to him or was left alone with him. Ducky felt torn between comforting the little boy and comforting his daddy - who looked worn out, tormented, and was battling the guilt that threatened to overcome him.
The second day was slightly better, Tony still hid himself behind his 'Pa' and would still only go to the older gentleman, but at least he wasn't crying quite as much - he was still quite groggy for most of the day, but the pain medication was definitely having a positive effect on the little boy's comfort.
Tony still whimpered when Gibbs tried to take him, but he actually looked at his daddy and gave him a shy smile, when Gibbs brought him a new toy car. Gibbs for his part had not left Tony's side except to hit the head and for the occasional cup of coffee.
Ducky was glad he had told the team not to visit until he gave them the go ahead, and Jethro himself had called his father and explained to Jackson why he needed to delay his visit for a few more days. Jethro and his son needed some time together to get their relationship back on track, and overwhelming Tony with people wasn't the way to do that.
Of course, Ducky was also protecting his dear friend. Despite the team being as close as family, and Gibbs now remembering that fact, Ducky was still rather sure that Jethro would not appreciate the team seeing him looking so lost. Abby, being Abby, protested the most, but when Ducky and Gibbs had both explained why things had to be the way they were she did eventually acquiesce.
It was the beginning of the third day that things started to get back to normal. Ducky was sitting with Tony on his lap telling him a story, when Jethro walked through the door. Tony looked up at his daddy with glazed green eyes and smiled. Not the shy smile from the day before, but a happy smile (only slightly dulled by the painkillers the doctors had him on).
"Da-Dee," Tony spoke and slowly lifted the book towards his dad. "Ook." he said as he handed the story over. Gibbs sat on a chair next to Ducky and took the book from his boy.
"That's a good book Tony. Three Little Pigs - they huff and puff and blow the house down." Gibbs blew lightly onto Tony's face and the little boy giggled softly, but then grimaced as the giggles irritated his ribs. Tony's pain was being managed by the medication in his drip, and for the most part kept everything dulled as long as he was kept quiet and made no sudden movements where his ribs were concerned.
Guilt shone in Gibbs eyes as he realized Tony was in pain from the laughter, but before he had a chance to dig into that pit of self-reproach, Ducky stood and put the little boy on his father's lap.
"I must pop out for a moment, Jethro, I need to go home briefly, gather a change of clothing and call Mother. I shall be back in an hour or two. Will you be alright?"
"Sure thing, Duck - could you swing by the house and grab Tony some pajamas and a couple of toys?"
"Ah, yes of course." Ducky ruffled Tony's hair lightly and patted Gibbs on the shoulder before leaving.
Tony looked a little apprehensive as Ducky left the room, but was soon snuggled gently against Gibbs' chest, playing softly with his daddy's fingers as the story was continued.
The drugs kicked back in, making the little boy sluggish and dopey. Before he knew it, Gibbs found himself more comfortable, content and at ease than he had felt in days and, arms full of sleeping toddler, his own eyelids felt very heavy.
The sight that greeted Ducky on his arrival back into the hospital made his heart soar. Both Jethro and Anthony had fallen asleep, Jethro was snoring quietly and Anthony looked totally at peace, a far cry from the fitful sleep he had been getting over the past few days.
Ducky sat opposite the sleeping figures, content to watch over them.
After two weeks of what could only be described as 'Hell', things were starting to look up.
******************************
On the fourth day, things were going great. The relationship between Gibbs and Tony was back on track. Although Gibbs' guilt was still grinding away at him, he pushed it aside as Tony was slowly improving, his body getting used to the medications and reacting better to them as they kept the pain from his ribs and other injuries at bay - all effects from his concussion were now also gone.
Dr Morrissey had decided to try Tony with some solid foods; a small bowl of oatmeal was given to Gibbs with strict instructions to try to get Tony to eat a little bit, but not to overdo it. Ducky had decided to use the morning to pop into NCIS and sign off on some paperwork; which in the trauma of the past few days had been forgotten.
So there they were. Gibbs was seated on the side of the cot trying to coax Tony into eating something, and finally after numerous airplane and car noises Tony had eaten a mouthful.
"Atta-boy." Gibbs smiled and praised his son. Tony decided eating was not so bad after all, and opened his mouth eagerly again for more. Gibbs watched his son with pride - Tony had regained some of his usual coloring and was looking less washed out than he had yesterday, his eyes still had a glazed look to them from the pain medication but Gibbs could make out the mischievous spark underneath. The brave little boy was still smiling through his pain, albeit not quite as brightly as normally, but the smile was still there.
Tony had eaten about four mouthfuls, when he had decided that was enough and stubbornly refused to open his mouth.
"Come on, Tony, just a little more."
"Toh-nee, no," Tony looked up at him, and pushed the spoon back towards Gibbs. "Da-Dee foo."
Gibbs chuckled. "No, Tony, it's not Daddy's food. You need to eat it, so you can get better."
Tony looked confused for a moment, and then stood up on the cot so he was level with his daddy's face. Hazy green eyes met bright blue as Tony leant over and put a kiss on his daddy's cheek. "Da-dee beh'ha."
Tears sprung to Gibbs' eyes as Tony mimicked what he himself had done many times when Tony was hurt or unhappy - giving him a kiss to make it all better.
"Yeah, buddy, daddy's all better now. Thank you."
Happy with the response, Tony sat back down but still refused to eat.
"Just two more mouthfuls, Tony, then no more I promise." Gibbs lifted the spoon back towards his son who rolled his tired looking eyes and unenthusiastically opened his mouth.
"One." Gibbs counted.
"Uhhnn." Tony repeated with his mouth still full, as Gibbs loaded up the last spoonful.
Tony shook his head slightly, and clamped his mouth shut.
"Last one, Tony, please. Ready? Two." Gibbs counted again.
Tony looked reluctantly at his daddy and slowly opened his mouth as Gibbs slipped in the spoon. This mouthful, Gibbs noted, was taking Tony a lot longer to swallow, but finally it was down.
"A' gone." Tony said proudly.
"Yeah no more, all gone. Good job, grubby boy." Gibbs said as he gently wiped down the little face and removed the dirty shirt from the boy. In his usual manner Tony had made a mess and needed to be changed. As Gibbs lifted the shirt over the boy's head he noticed Tony had gone very still, his face took on a pale green tinge to it.
"Aww hell." Gibbs said, startled as Tony vomited up the small amount in his stomach all over himself and the bed, and then started to scream between his retches. The jerking motion caused by the vomiting had jolted his ribs, causing agony to rip through the small child.
Gibbs tried to calm Tony down, holding him close despite the mess, whispering soft words of comfort, rubbing his back soothingly and bouncing him up and down gently in his arms. Tears were streaming down Tony's face; the retching would not stop despite the poor boy expelling all of his stomach contents. He didn't understand the pain, and he didn't understand that moving around and screaming would not help.
Dr Morrissey had heard the commotion and dashed into the room, a young nurse following closely behind. The doctor took one look at the mess on the bed and immediately knew what had happened. She also noted that Tony, in his thrashing around, had pulled out his IV line, and in his state it was going to be difficult to put back in.
The decision was made; she was going to have to sedate the child to prevent him doing more damage to himself.
"Anna, if you please, could you quickly change the linen on the cot." The young nurse rapidly did as she was told.
"Mr. Gibbs," Dr Morrissey addressed him as calmly as she could, "we are going to have to sedate Tony for a little while." The darkened look she got from the man made her cringe inwardly - he was not impressed by the suggestion.
"I assure you it is necessary to sedate him so we can replace his line and give him something for his pain. Vomiting with cracked ribs is painful enough in an adult, let alone a small child. This is to help him, I promise."
The only response she received was a curt not.
"Okay, lie him down gently on the bed and try to hold him as still as possible if you could, Mr. Gibbs." The little boy was still struggling and screaming as his father placed him on the bed - he was kicking and thrashing around in agony, tears were pouring down his face.
"Shhh… it's okay sweetie, I'll make it all better. Anna could you help hold him down? Thank you." The doctor continued in her calm tone as she quickly prepped the injection site and syringe.
Gibbs watched in dismay as Tony continued to scream in pain. On the doctor's instructions he held Tony down as well as he could and watched as the young nurse did the same. Holding him down only made Tony worse. He was scared and in pain, and the look in those wild, tear-filled green eyes pierced Gibbs' soul and made him sick to his stomach.
Dr Morrissey finally administered the injection and after a few moments Tony's fight began to wane, his limbs becoming lax, pained eyes that were still looking into his started to droop, and as they closed Gibbs swore he saw betrayal flash through those green orbs.
The remainder of the treatment was quite uneventful. Dr Morrissey worked quickly to re-insert the IV line and splint it again, starting up the pain medication at a slightly higher dose. She also placed an oxygen mask over the little face, and turned on the monitors for his vitals. Looking at the little boy she smiled softly - he truly was a brave little kid. Her eyes glanced over to where his father was sitting. The man looked worn out, and she could see the guilt in his eyes.
"It wasn't your fault, Mr. Gibbs, it was just a little too much food - and mixed with the medication his little stomach couldn't handle it. He'll be fine, I've given him enough medication so he will sleep peacefully for the next couple of hours and when he wakes he will be just as happy as he ever was, I promise."
Again Gibbs just nodded his reply as he watched over his son.
*****************************
When Ducky arrived 2 hours after the incident, he was shocked to see Jethro sitting motionless beside Tony's bed. It wasn't the fact that he was sitting there that was troublesome, (As Dr Morrissey had filled him in on the events of the day) it was more to do with the expression on Jethro's face and the fact he hadn't changed his clothes that were still covered with mess. As Ducky silently took his seat opposite his friend, Gibbs' eyes met his and the elderly M.E was shocked at the amount of self-loathing in the icy blue eyes.
"Can you watch over him for me, Duck? I'm going home quickly to sort out some things." Gibbs spoke softly, his voice not betraying his emotions.
"Of course, Jethro." Ducky watched as his old friend stood and silently walked out the door.
"Oh dear, Anthony."
*******************************
As Gibbs drove he found himself lost in thought, the guilt of the past week he had barely kept at bay crashed over him and echoed in his mind.
He had let his son down again; he had hurt him and NO child ever deserved that. Firstly he had completely forgotten Tony had existed - that had caused the poor little boy to go through days and nights of desperation at missing his daddy, and then when Tony had eventually seen him again, he had been frightened by the gruffness and anger he saw emitting from the person he loved and trusted the most in his whole world. To top that incident off he had walked past the crying child, not even noticing he was there.
When Tony had rejected him after the car accident it tore up at his soul, but he couldn't say he didn't deserve that reaction - he did - and just as things were getting back to normal he had to go and stuff it up again. Tony didn't want to eat any more, but no - he had forced him, he should have known it was too much, he should have known when Tony had refused to eat anymore. And Tony, like a good boy, did exactly what his daddy had asked and ate those two more - stupid goddam �“ mouthfuls.
The result? More pain and suffering for Tony.
Gibbs would never forget the fear and suffering in Tony's eyes as he was held down.
Arriving at home Gibbs thought hard. He really was a useless bastard. He couldn't protect Shannon and Kelly, and he sure couldn't protect Tony - in fact he just seemed to hurt the little boy more. As he walked into the house Gibbs gave an almighty roar punching the wall hard, letting out all his frustrations and putting a fist-sized hole in the plaster.
Something had to be done, Tony deserved better, better than a broken down Ex-Special Agent, Ex-marine who was too haunted by his own demons, and consumed by his own guilt to get his head out of his ass and realize what was truly important. He kept hurting his son and he couldn't let it continue. He had made up his mind. For Tony's own good - he was leaving. Suitcase packed, ticket in hand - he was off to Mexico.
*****************************
Gibbs was relieved to find Tony's hospital room empty - Ducky must have hit the head - he thought - thankfully. Saying goodbye to Tony was going to be hard enough without dealing with the elderly M.E trying to get him to stay, the reproachful looks he would get as he stated his reasons and the disapproval clearly written on his face as he said farewell. This was the reason he hadn't mentioned his departure to anyone, it would be better if he was just gone.
Standing by Tony's bedside, he watched the boy sleeping; oxygen mask still on. He had been going to say something, say goodbye but the words escaped him. A shadow of doubt settled over his heart. Was he doing the right thing? And was it really the right thing for Tony? Bending down, Gibbs placed a loving kiss on Tony's cheek,
"I'm sorry," He whispered. "I love you, Tony." As he walked out of the room and out of Tony's life for the last time, he heard the words that made his heart stop. They were muffled by both sleep and the oxygen mask, but they still held so much significance.
"Wuv-oo Da-dee."
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Ok so.... There is chapter 11.... Let me know what you think?? I love feedback and helps me to make the story better for you all! What did you think of the beginning of the chapter, did I make you think Tony had died, I know evil *sorry*, but I love to evoke peoples emotions when I write...
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.