Gibbs frowned in confusion as to why he suddenly found himself awake. Given how deeply he was sleeping nothing should have disturbed him before his usual wake up time. He kept his eyes closed, his body still, and his breathing regular while trying to identify what had roused him not wanting to give any outward sign that he was now fully conscious. He relaxed when he didn’t detect anything out of the ordinary and he didn’t sense any immediate danger.
It was only after using his senses to scan the room that Gibbs became more aware of his more immediate surroundings. He felt oddly confined, as though his movements were restricted, but rather than leaving him feeling trapped, he felt grounded, content even. That’s when he realized Tony was snuggled up close to him, his face buried against Gibbs’ shoulder, one long arm wrapped around his torso while an even longer leg draped across Gibbs’ shins.
Gibbs grimaced. He hadn’t known Tony was a cuddler. He’d have never suggested sharing the same bed if he’d known, no matter how nice it was.
Gibbs frowned. Nice? Had he just thought of this as nice? That was just ridiculous.
There was nothing nice about having nearly two hundred pounds of muscle pinning him in place.
Well, almost nothing, Gibbs conceded, unable to not be honest with himself. The heat radiating from Tony made Gibbs warm all the way to his fingertips and toes. And the decidedly enticing fragrance that Gibbs could just barely make out coming from Tony’s skin and hair was very pleasant. He had no idea what the younger man used to bathe with but there was a hint of mint to it. Gibbs tilted his head, unable to resist rubbing his cheek against Tony’s hair. The baby soft strands felt wonderful against his skin, reminding him of his daughter’s favorite plush toy.
Gibbs sighed softly. He really was losing his mind. No doubt about it. He should be shoving Tony away from him. Pushing him back on his side of the bed where he belonged. They’d agreed to each staying on their own side, damn it. This, whatever the hell it was, was all Tony’s fault.
It was then that Gibbs realized they were both on Tony’s side of the bed. Tony hadn’t invaded his space, Gibbs had invaded his. Some time during the night, Gibbs must have unconsciously migrated closer to Tony, eliminating the distance between him. While not a cuddler, Gibbs always slept better when he was at least within touching distance of his bed partner. But then his normal bed partners had been his wives. He rarely spent the night with a one night stand.
At what point Tony began using him as a body pillow Gibbs couldn’t be sure, but it had been long enough for him to have grown accustomed to it. It wasn’t their current proximity that had woken him up.
At least Tony had slept through all this. No reason he had to know about it, Gibbs decided. He could just work is way back over to his side of the bed. No harm, no foul.
Gibbs nodded to himself. It would work. His mind seemed to be happy with that decision, but his body not so much. He couldn’t seem to force himself to actually move. He was warm and comfortable, more relaxed than he could remember being in years. He was very reluctant to pull away from Tony.
Damn it, Marine, just do it, Gibbs mentally chastised himself. Waiting wouldn’t make it any easier.
He took a deep breath and shifted away from Tony. The younger man made a small sound of loss, curling in on himself in what Gibbs could only think of as a defensive movement. It was almost enough to make him change his mind. Almost.
Resolutely Gibbs moved until he was once more on his side of the bed. He shivered, missing the shared warmth. Gibbs rolled over on his side making sure he faced away from Tony.
Gibbs stared at the shadows on the wall cast by the light from street lamps leaching in under and around the curtains. No where in any modern city was ever totally dark. It was both comforting and annoying at the same time.
Gibbs sighed, resisting the urge to toss and turn, unable to go back to sleep. He felt restless, chilled and lonely. The bed that had been so comfortable only a few minutes ago was lumpy and too soft now.
“This is stupid,” he muttered to himself. He’d slept alone for years. Years, for God’s sake, so a few hours with Tony shouldn’t have made a difference, except that it obviously had.
Gibbs nearly growled in frustration. He got up and made his way to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him before turning on the light, flinching at the bright illumination, instinctively shielding his eyes with one hand.
Once the light no longer made him squint painfully, Gibbs got rid of the numerous cups of coffee he’d ingested. He flushed, wincing at how loud the toilet was. He shot the porcelain bowl a dirty look. Ecologically low flow toilets might be better, but they were a lot louder in Gibbs’ opinion.
Gibbs washed his hands, eyeing his reflection. He almost didn’t recognize himself. Despite being frustrated and restless, he looked….well rested, refreshed even. He scowled, shaking his head. He was reading too much into things. It wasn’t sleeping with Tony that made him look that way. A few solid hours of sleep would do that regardless of who he was with. He resolutely ignored the fact that it rarely had before.
Gibbs flicked off the light, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness again before opening the door. He made his way back to the bed hoping he could get a few more hours of sleep. It was way too early to be up, and there wasn’t anything for him to do here to keep him occupied until it was time to attend the seminars. He’d just slid under the comforter when Tony spoke.
“Boss?” Tony’s voice was little more than a rough whisper.
Gibbs rolled on his side to face him. “Yeah?”
“S’matter?”
Other than I might be losing my mind nothing at all, Gibbs thought. But that wasn’t something he could actually say to Tony.
“Just had to use the head.”
“Not t’me to get up?”
Gibbs smiled at the nearly unintelligible question. “No, it’s not time to get up yet.”
“Kay.” Tony sighed softly, shifting before settling once more.
Gibbs fought down the urge to move closer. Doing it in his sleep was one thing, doing it while awake and aware he couldn’t excuse. Gibbs didn’t think deliberately snuggling was something Tony would tolerate. He’d gotten lucky with Tony not waking up before. But then Tony had always been a sound sleeper. Hard to imagine an iguana sneaking into bed with him and going unnoticed otherwise.
Gibbs pursed his lips, annoyed with himself. Now he was thinking he could move closer and not get caught. He wasn’t sure why he even wanted to. He was used to sleeping alone. And he liked his space. Or at least he had. Now he wasn’t so sure.
He was pulled from his spiraling thoughts when Tony spoke softly. His voice was oddly clear and readily understandable. “Like it better…when you aren’t so far away.”
Gibbs froze. Tony’s breathing hadn’t changed; his muscles had remained in that lax sleep state that made him appear almost boneless. In the dim lighting Gibbs would see his eyes were still closed. He didn’t remember Tony talking in his sleep before, but then if he weren’t in such close proximity, Gibbs wouldn’t have heard him this time. Maybe he’d just never heard him any other time.
Gibbs frowned. Had Tony just said what he thought he said? Did he know Gibbs hadn’t stayed on his side of the bed? What the hell did he mean he liked it? Was he even talking to Gibbs? For all he knew Tony could just be dreaming about some woman he was trying to convince to go out with him or something.
Almost as if he were answering Gibbs’ unvoiced questions, Tony muttered, “S’cold without you, Boss.”
Given how much heat Tony put out, Gibbs had trouble thinking he could possibly be cold, but then he’d felt the chill when he’d moved away from Tony so it wasn’t fair to judge. Even now the bed didn’t seem as warm as it had before he’d gotten up. The wind whistling as it carved its way around the building certainly didn’t help the room seem any warmer.
Concerned, Gibbs asked, “You warm enough?” He didn’t want Tony to get sick.
“With you around, yeah.”
Gibbs arched an eyebrow. “I make you warm?”
“Hot and bothered.” Tony’s chuckle sounded positively dirty.
Gibbs rolled his eyes. Leave it to Tony to make an innuendo even in his sleep. Still, Gibbs felt a strange flash of pride and satisfaction at hearing Tony imply he was sexy.
“S’more than that though. You make me feel safe.”
Gibbs smiled, inanely pleased to know his being around made Tony feel secure. Maybe trust wasn’t an issue after all.
“Wanna be closer, but I can’t.”
Gibbs frowned. Did he just mean closer now? Or was he talking about something else? “What do you mean you can’t?”
Tony hesitated and Gibbs was wondering if his conscious mind was taking over. But he appeared to be sleeping soundly yet. Studying his face, Gibbs could just make out the furrow forming as Tony frowned. The younger man sighed, the sound laced with disappointment and regret. He seemed to curl even further in on himself, moving away from Gibbs.
Tony shivered. Whether it was a byproduct of him being cold or something else Gibbs wasn’t sure. He was beginning to think Tony wouldn’t answer when he finally spoke. “Bad idea. Very bad. You don’t trust me enough…not like before. Not any more. Dunno. Maybe never did. Better not to risk it.”
Gibbs nearly protested loudly that he did trust Tony. What the hell was he thinking that he wasn’t trusted? Okay so the whole Domino thing might have made it seem that way, but Tony had to know that his being kept in the dark hadn’t been about trust. It was necessary. Surely he saw that. Didn’t he?
Maybe if it had only been Domino, a quiet little voice inside Gibbs said, a voice that sounded a lot like Tony. But there was more than that. A lot more than that.
There was Jenny’s death…not that Gibbs ever truly blamed Tony for that, but he knew his silence on the subject made it seem as though he had. And four months at sea had to seem like punishment to Tony, no matter what Vance said on the matter. There was the case with Maddie Tyler. And pretty much anything that involved Mike Franks. He’d been less than understanding about Jeanne Benoit. Tony had been under orders, Gibbs knew that, but he’d still acted like an ass. Not to mention how he came back from Mexico. Even he knew there were better ways to handle coming back. He’d been an ass to leave in the first place.
Gibbs’ lips curled in a silent snarl of frustration. He thought all of those things were settled. They were finished, put to bed and no one talked about them. Maybe that was the problem, Gibbs suddenly realized. He’d never explained, never apologized. And just because Tony had stayed silent didn’t mean he’d forgotten or forgiven. That he didn’t question Gibbs motives or actions didn’t mean he necessarily understood or agreed with them.
Gibbs thought they’d drifted apart only recently, a byproduct of the Domino case, but looking back on it, they’d been drifting apart since Gibbs had left for Mexico with no more than ‘you’ll do’. They weren’t nearly as close as they’d been.
Tony hadn’t stopped by with beer and pizza since Gibbs’ return from Mexico. He hadn’t sought out Gibbs for advice or company. He didn’t seem to be dating but he wasn’t coming into the office in the wee hours of the morning either. Gibbs had no idea what Tony was doing with his down time.
If Tony thought any of what happened during the past eighteen months was because Gibbs didn’t trust him, his withdrawal made sense. Tony might seem like an immature frat boy at times, but he wasn’t going to go where he thought his company wouldn’t be welcome.
Keeping him the dark about Domino certainly wouldn’t have done much to correct the impression Gibbs didn’t fully trust him. It was hardly surprising he would be watching Gibbs with wary, suspicious eyes whenever he came back from MTAC. Damn little good had come to Tony from upstairs. Even if he didn’t hold Gibbs personally responsible, he couldn’t help but be leery of what new test or burden would be coming his way.
Gibbs took a deep breath and let it out slowly. How could he expect Tony to trust him completely if Tony thought Gibbs didn’t trust him in return. Have is back in the field, sure, but Gibbs might just as easily be the one who put him in danger in the first place. No one was supposed to get hurt when Gibbs had sent Tony and Ziva in to rip off a secured government facility, but they had, and could very easily have ended up dead. Gibbs knew all too well that lack of intel could be fatal. But he’d been so sure they could handle it, that Tony would be okay because he always was.
Gibbs swallowed hard. Maybe Lee had good reason to think Gibbs couldn’t be trusted with the life of her daughter. Anyone looking in from the outside at how Gibbs had treated Tony certainly wouldn’t expect much in the way of compassion and understanding. Tony had been with Gibbs for years, longer than anyone else Gibbs had ever worked with. He didn’t treat him with respect, punished him for actions executed while under orders, regularly undermined him by embarrassing him in front of his teammates, and letting those same teammates insult his abilities, letting them dismiss and belittle what he’d done in Gibbs’ absence.
What hope did Lee, a probie, have of getting a fair shake? Gibbs had booted her off his team when he’d come back from Mexico without so much as a word to her. He’d snapped and snarled at her, impatient with her timid nature when she’d been assigned as part of his ‘new’ team. It wasn’t exactly the sort of behavior to encourage her to use him as a confidant.
He couldn’t really blame Tony for thinking getting closer would be a bad idea. He’d have to show him differently. He’d have to prove to him that he never thought any less of Tony, had never doubted him. He’d have to convince him that Gibbs wanted him on his team, as a part of his life.
“I’m sorry, Tony,” Gibbs whispered.
Tony rolled over, turning away from him, giving no sign he’d heard the apology. Gibbs tried not to read too much into it when he reached out to touch Tony and the younger man flinched away.
They might not have had a conventional conversation, but Gibbs had learned a lot. Now he just had to figure out how to put it to use.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs learns that it's not about Tony not trusting him...it's about Tony thinking he's not trusted.