Gibbs found himself waking up just as he had the night before held firmly in place by Tony’s weight. The younger man was wrapped around him, almost as though he was using Gibbs as a living body pillow. His head was half buried under the comforter, resting on Gibbs’ shoulder; his breathing deep and even.
Gibbs absently noted that this time they seemed to have met in the middle rather than him migrating completely over to Tony’s side of the bed. He smiled wryly to himself. At least this time it wasn’t entirely his fault.
Gibbs sighed, unconsciously tilting his head to rub his cheek against Tony’s hair. Despite being held down Gibbs felt very relaxed and comfortable. He didn’t want to move, but knew he should. He felt like he was taking advantage of Tony. The younger man couldn’t possibly know who he was snuggling up to. Gibbs was sure Tony would be just as embarrassed as he was by it. It was better for both of them to put a stop to this. Now if he could just convince himself to actually move Gibbs knew he’d have it made. Unfortunately, he really didn’t want to.
He sighed again and forced himself to pull away from Tony. His resolve was broken when Tony made a small sound of distress and began to shift restlessly. Gibbs told himself he stopped trying to pull away simply because he didn’t want to wake Tony. He wasn’t bothered by the way Tony shivered, or how lost and forlorn he sounded. Gibbs wasn’t the sort to let things like that bother him--usually.
Tony settled again with a sigh once he’d eliminated what little space Gibbs had managed to create between them. His hand moved in a soothing gesture across Gibbs’ chest, patting him once before long fingers curled and got a firm hold on the well worn T-shirt Gibbs had opted to wear to bed.
Gibbs shook his head. It looked like getting away without waking Tony wasn’t going to be an option. Although, he had actually carried on a conversation with Tony and the young man never woke last night. Maybe he could do something like that again.
“Tony.” Gibbs whispered.
“Hmmm?” Tony rubbed his face against Gibbs’ shoulder.
“I need you to move back to your side of the bed.”
Tony didn’t respond. Gibbs sighed. He whispered Tony’s name again, sharpening his tone slightly.
“What?” Tony sounded more awake but Gibbs noticed he hadn’t actually opened his eyes or moved. So far, so good, he thought.
“Move back to your side of the bed.”
“No.” Tony shook his head.
No? Both Gibbs eyebrows rose. He hadn’t expected that. “Tony--”
“Warmer here. Staying.” Tony countered, cutting Gibbs off. “Think the boiler’s broke ‘gain.”
Gibbs frowned. Boiler? Oh right. He remembered the heating going out in Tony’s building more than once. The first time it happened, Tony had slept at the office. The second time, Gibbs offered him use of his couch. He knew it happened one or twice since then, and he was honestly glad that Tony’s stint as an Agent Afloat meant he’d been forced to find a new apartment. Gibbs had been very pleased when he found out Tony’s new place in a safer neighborhood with a more proactive super. It was close to the office, but more importantly it was also less than twenty minutes from Gibbs’ home.
Raising his head, Gibbs was suddenly aware of just how cool the room was. It wasn’t just Tony’s weight and proximity that had woken him. Any bit of exposed skin, especially his nose, was cold.
He pursed his lips as the thought about the situation. The room had been warm enough when they’d eaten dinner, and during the movie, but he hadn’t paid any attention to whether or not the heat had come on after Tony had fallen asleep working on his crossword puzzle. Gibbs had gone to sleep himself not long after that.
Surely the heat had kicked on at some point. With the way the wind was howling and the fact that the outside temps never got above freezing Gibbs was honestly surprised it had ever stopped running.
Just as he was getting ready to get up and check it Gibbs heard the fan start up. Evidently the heater worked, but it didn’t run continuously and it when it did run it wasn’t up to the task of keeping the room truly warm. The dropping temperatures outside and gusting wind were more than it could handle.
Gibbs huffed in annoyance. For what the room cost he shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not the damn heater worked. He told the little voice in his head that pointed out sharing body heat has obviously kept them reasonably comfortable and the heater wasn’t truly needed to shut the hell up.
He considered calling the front desk and demanding another room, one with a better heater and two beds, before he remembered there were no other rooms to be had. Wouldn’t be sharing the bed if there were, he thought. And he really wished that little voice hadn’t piped up to point out how little sharing the bed actually bothered him. He wasn’t going to think about that.
If getting another room with a better heat source wasn’t an option, more blankets certainly wouldn’t hurt. Most hotels had at least one extra blanket in the closet. He just had to get out of bed and get it. Nothing to it.
Tony shivered and muttered something about hating the cold. Gibbs rubbed his cheek against Tony’s hair again. He wanted to wrap his arms around Tony and pull him closer to make sure he stayed warm enough. Shared body heat clearly wasn’t enough for Tony not to feel the cold; more was needed. They needed that extra blanket. Gibbs swallowed hard and forced himself to pry himself free of Tony’s hold.
Tony made a sound that was somewhere between a whimper and a moan when Gibbs gently but firmly forced him to let go of his shirt. Gibbs winced. He didn’t think he’d hurt Tony--he really hoped not, but wouldn’t allow himself to stop. If he stopped again he’d never finish the task he’d set for himself. Gibbs shivered as he slid out from under the comforter, goose bumps rising immediately on his forearms. He shuddered when his bare feet made contact with the floor. The room was even colder than he realized.
“Boss?” Tony raised his head. “Where are ya goin’?”
Gibbs didn’t know if he was fully awake or not, but he given the way he slurred his words, Tony was probably more asleep than awake. He didn’t answer, thinking Tony would settle if he stayed quiet. Gibbs managed to locate the closet without turning on a light. Feeling blindly in front of him Gibbs found the shelf where he thought an extra blanket should normally be. He let out a breath in triumph when his fingers encountered soft fabric.
“Boss?” Tony called quietly, sounding anxious. “Gibbs?”
“It’s okay, Tony.” Gibbs answered him, unable to ignore him as he turned and headed back to the bed. “Just getting another blanket.”
Tony didn’t seem to hear him. One arm made several sweeping motions clearly searching the spot where Gibbs had been.
“Gotta find ‘im. Shouldn’t ‘ave let him go off on his own. Needs someone to watch ‘is six.” Tony’s agitation increased. He was shivering more now and his breathing grew ragged. “Gibbs? C’mon, you have to be okay. You have to.”
Gibbs quickly spread the blanket haphazardly over the bed more concerned with getting it done than ensuring it was neat. He slid back into bed, grateful for the warmth. He reached for Tony, intent on calming him down. Gibbs was totally unprepared for Tony to latch on to him and pull, hauling him across the bed with impressive strength and rolling on top of him, pinning him.
Tony raised both hand to cup Gibbs’ face. His eyes were open but he was staring blindly. Gibbs wasn’t sure what he was looking for or expected to see.
“Please.” Tony whispered, his voice hoarse and broken. “God, Boss, please.”
Gibbs wasn’t sure what Tony was asking for. He had no idea how to answer him, to give him the reassurance he seemed so desperate for.
“I know you want me to save her. I know she’s Kelly’s friend, but she isn’t anything to me. Not like you are. You are everything, Boss.”
Gibbs’ mouth dropped open. He hadn’t expected to ever hear that sort of declaration. Kate had once accused Tony of worshipping the ground he walked on, but this wasn’t a case of hero worship. Tony expression was so full of pain and loss it hurt to look at him.
“You have to breathe, Boss. Damn it. You have to breathe. Please.”
The mention of Kelly and the command to breathe clued Gibbs into what Tony was obviously dreaming about. He hadn’t been really aware of what happened on the dock; Shepard had filled him in later at the hospital when she dressed him down for going off on his own and almost getting himself and a civilian killed. He’d had no idea his near drowning had such an impact on Tony. Tony never talked about it. Hell no one on his team ever mentioned it. The silence on the subject should have clued him in. It was clearly something too painful to talk about.
In hindsight he should have known. Thinking Tony had died when his car exploded still gave Gibbs nightmares. And he never brought it up, never admitted to being unable to look at a burned body without checking to see where Tony was and making sure it wasn’t him.
“Tony, it’s okay.” Gibbs tried to sooth the younger man, to ease the pain that had brought tears to his eyes. “You saved Maddie. You saved me.”
Once again Tony didn’t seem to hear him. He trembled, whether from distress or cold Gibbs wasn’t sure. His breathing was harsh and uneven. Gibbs remembered Shepard telling him Tony had performed CPR on him and Maddie. Doctor Pitt had insisted Tony be on supplemental oxygen for almost two days and broad spectrum antibiotics to ensure no lasting damage had been done to his lungs.
Tony’s head dipped, closing the distance between them. Before Gibbs could even wonder what Tony was doing, the younger man’s lips were pressed against his. It wasn’t a kiss, not in any conventional sense. Tony blew hard into Gibbs’ mouth, forcing air into his lungs.
Gibbs rode out the uncomfortable feeling, unwilling to simply pull away, breathing in the air Tony was trying to give him. He breathed out in relief when Tony stopped. When Tony started to raise his head, Gibbs stopped him, holding him in place to kiss him properly.
Tony’s lips were surprisingly soft, and so very warm. Gibbs nibbled on Tony’s full bottom lip, encouraging him to open his mouth. He moaned softly when Tony willingly granted him access. Tony’s mouth was a bit larger than most of the women Gibbs had kissed; it was also hotter and far more enticing.
His other hand wormed its way under Tony’s shirt, desperate for more contact. His hips moved of their own volition, rubbing his groin against Tony. He suddenly regretted the fact they’d both opted for sweats and t-shirts. This would have been so much easier, so much better, if they were both naked.
It was only the need to breathe that finally forced Gibbs release Tony’s mouth. The irony wasn’t lost on him. Just a moment ago he’d had too much air in his lungs, and now he was panting, trying to catch his breath.
Confused, but very aware green eyes met blue. “Boss?”
Gibbs froze, painfully aware of what he’d just done. Oh shit. He’d kissed Tony. Kissed him? Hell he had practically molested him in his sleep. That was wrong on so many levels. What was he supposed to do now? His usual ability to think quickly and calmly deserted him. Gibbs didn’t know what to say and found himself blurting out the first thing that came to mind.
“The heater isn’t working well.”
Both Tony’s eyebrows rose. “The heater?”
Gibbs mentally cursed. He had to make sense and explain things. “I got up to get the spare blanket, and you were dreaming. I think you were dreaming about the Maddie Tyler case--”
“The dock.” Tony closed his eyes. “Shit, did I…oh hell, I did. Damn, Boss. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--“ Tony stopped talking and nimbly scrambled away from him. The loss of his weight and heat left Gibbs feeling bereft. He reached out to grab Tony’s arm to stop him but the younger man was already sliding out of bed.
Gibbs quickly turned on the light on the nightstand, wincing at the sudden illumination. He hadn’t meant for Tony to take the blame for this; he’d just started explaining badly. “Tony, calm down. I can--“
“You weren’t breathing. I had to do CPR.”
“I know.”
“I was so sure I wouldn’t be able to save you and her…I was scared, well, more like terrified you were going to die, and I know it’s not the most manly thing to say but it’s true. And it kind of stuck with me.”
“Tony, just listen to me-“
“Jesus. I haven’t acted out my nightmares in years.” Tony kept moving, backing away until he was as far from the bed and Gibbs as he could get. He ran a hand through his hair, eyes darting frantically around the room. “I thought I’d stopped doing that. I mean no one has said anything about it recently. Not that there’s been anyone around recently to notice. Four months at sea and one hell of a dry spell so it wasn’t like anyone could say for sure I was…but still, I thought I was over that. I’m sorry. I should have said something. Warned you that I some times…I didn’t think…well, obviously I didn’t think. And that doesn’t really matter now.”
He swallowed hard. “Look, I’ll just go. I should have gotten a room before. There has to be another hotel nearby, right? I’m sure the concierge can tell me. Hotels are always open. Bound to be someone who can check me in. I can always get a cab--”
“Damn it, DiNozzo, just shut up.” Gibbs growled, standing up to face him.
Tony’s shoulders hunched as though he expected a blow. “I said I would leave.”
“I heard you.” Gibbs shook his head. He forced himself to gentle his voice. Yelling at Tony wouldn’t help. “I don’t want you to leave.”
Tony shifted his weight, clearly uncertain, eyes measuring the distance to the door. “Boss, it would be better if I--“
“No.” Gibbs held up one hand in a classic stop motion. “You didn’t do anything wrong, DiNozzo.” The only wrong that had been committed had been Gibbs’ doing. Tony didn’t seem to realize that though and he hadn’t given Gibbs a chance to tell him.
“I appreciate you being understanding about all this, but you don’t have to put up with my being--“
“Have you ever known me to tolerate anything I didn’t have to?” Gibbs barked out, making it sound more like a demand than a question.
“Well…no.” Tony crossed his arms over his chest. Gibbs couldn’t decide if the move was defensive or if it was because he was cold. The damn curtains were moving in response to the wind, shifting slightly each time the wind blew.
“I’m not trying to be polite and understanding.” Gibbs snorted. He wasn’t entirely sure he knew how. None of his ex-wives thought so. “I’m telling you that you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not angry with you and I don’t want you to leave.”
“But-“
“No buts, DiNozzo.” Gibbs sighed. “Look, Tony, it’s okay. Really. It’s okay.”
Tony shivered. He bit his lower lip, looking wary and uncertain. It hurt to see the usually confident younger man looking so hesitant and uneasy. He had to fix this.
Gibbs held out his hand. “It’s cold in here. Come back to bed.”
Tony shook his head. “Not sure that’s a good idea, Boss.”
“Tony.” Gibbs kept his tone firm. “Bed.”
Tony fidgeted for a moment before making his way back to the bed. He seemed determined to stay as far away from Gibbs as possible.
Gibbs waited until Tony was under the covers before he got back in on his side. He really wanted to pull Tony in close, to physically reassure him, but Gibbs knew better than to try. Tony was acting like he expected Gibbs to hit him. Gibbs was sure any effort to touch him would end badly.
He couldn’t decide if he was relieved Tony didn’t actually seem to know he’d kissed him or if he was disappointed. He couldn’t tell if his actions would have been welcomed or rejected entirely. Tony had said he considered Gibbs everything…but he seemed afraid he’d overstepped some boundary, that his ‘invasion’ of Gibbs’ space could be unforgivable.
Am I really that much of a bastard, Gibbs asked himself. CPR was intended to be a life saving measure, not romantic, but there was no denying mouth-to-mouth was decidedly intimate. Did Tony think Gibbs wouldn’t be open to such contact? Naturally, he does you idiot, Gibbs thought. Tony might know Gibbs wasn’t homophobic but nothing in their normal interactions implied he would be open to a relationship with a man. Tony knew about all four of his wives, Shepard, Mann, but no one knew about the mutual hand jobs with his buddies while in basic training, or the occasional blow job in the bathroom of a bar since his last failed marriage.
Other than the head slaps, Gibbs rarely touched Tony. Hell, he rarely touched anyone on the team other than Abby. It was only natural for Tony to think Gibbs wouldn’t appreciate what could be perceived as forced contact. And that Gibbs might lash out with a fist rather than welcome him. He wondered what Tony would have said if he knew about Gibbs being the one to migrate across the bed the night before. What he would think if he knew about all Gibbs’ inappropriate thoughts. What Tony would think if he knew how much Gibbs enjoyed that kiss and would really like another.
“I’m sorry.”
Gibbs frowned. “Don’t apologize--“
“It’s not a sign of weakness when it’s warranted.” Tony’s fingers plucked nervously at the comforter. His eyes flicked toward Gibbs and then skittered away. “I didn’t mean to--“
“I know that.” Gibbs was quick to assure him, trying to keep his tone gentle and infuse his voice with warmth. He didn’t like Tony being genuinely afraid of him.
“You don’t need to apologize.” Gibbs was the one who needed to apologize. Tony had at least been acting out subconsciously. Gibbs didn’t have that excuse.
“I used to sleepwalk as a kid.” Tony told him, not giving Gibbs a chance to offer his own apology. “I think it was that stupid canopy bed.”
“The one that made you dream about vampires?” Gibbs vaguely remembered Tony mentioning something about it years ago.
“Yeah.” Tony nodded, a jerky motion that gave mute testimony to how tense he still was. “I quit sleep walking once my mother got ride of it. Thought I out grew it. No one at boarding school ever said anything. None of my frat brothers mentioned it. Wasn’t until after I became a cop I found out I acted out my nightmares. Course, I didn’t have that many nightmares until then so I guess it makes sense.”
Tony rubbed a hand over his face. “I fell asleep at the station house after a rough case. Scared the crap out of Tammy. Scared me too when I woke up and found myself with my gun pointed at her.”
His lips curled up in a wry grin. “Guess trying to do CPR in my sleep is a bit less dangerous.”
“A bit.” Gibbs smiled. He was pleased to see Tony’s sense of humor reasserting itself. Tony seemed to be relaxing more.
“It doesn’t happen often.” Gibbs wasn’t sure if Tony was trying to reassure him or himself.
“At least, I don’t think so.” Tony sighed, he wormed his way further under the blankets. “Like I said, there hasn’t been anyone around recently to tell me.”
Gibbs shifted to lay on his side, facing Tony. “I’ve had my share of nightmares over the years.”
Tony turned to face Gibbs. “I thought you said--“
“I can tell myself I’m not going to dream about it, but sometimes my subconscious just doesn’t listen.” Gibbs gave Tony a rueful smile. “And sometimes I forget to tell myself not to dream.”
Tony nodded. “I haven’t thought about that case in a long time.”
Gibbs hadn’t thought about it either. He’d stayed in touch with Maddie, mostly through her efforts. She called or sent an e-mail about once a month. He had McGee show him how to use Facebook so he could check on what she posted from time to time. But he hadn’t really given much thought to how close he’d come to getting them both killed.
“I never thanked you. I should have.”
Color rose in Tony’s cheeks. “I was just doing my job, Boss. I’m supposed to have your six.”
“And you did it really well. Even though I didn’t make it easy.”
“No, you didn’t, but it all worked out okay.”
“Thanks to you it did. CPR on one person is hard. Doing it on two is damn near impossible.”
Gibbs wanted to be sure he made that point, ensure Tony understood that he was grateful, that he believed he’d done a good job, had gone above and beyond the call, and had every right to be proud of himself. He felt like he failed when Tony simply nodded and looked away without really acknowledging what he said.
“It’s late or early, depending on how you look at it. We should get some more sleep.”
Gibbs wanted to tell Tony what had happened, to admit to his own actions and apologize, to find out if Tony would be angry or accepting of what he’d done, but Tony rolled over, putting his back to Gibbs and pulling the blankets up around his head and shoulders. He could keep talking, knowing Tony couldn’t have fallen asleep that fast, but Gibbs had never liked speaking to someone’s back. Two of his ex-wives would literally turn their back to him, effectively shutting him out. He couldn’t really blame them; it was a tactic they’d learned from him after all.
Gibbs took comfort from the fact Tony didn’t pull away when he reached out to touch him, laying his hand on the younger man’s back. Tony didn’t move closer, but he didn’t flinch away either. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it was more than Gibbs expected. He felt like he’d made one step forward only to end up taking another step back.
The bed was warmer with the extra blanket, but Gibbs found himself missing having Tony wrapped around him. How the hell he could come to miss what he’d barely had wasn’t something Gibbs wanted to think too much about. He sighed, and forced himself to regulate his breathing. If he wasn’t going to get any more sleep he could at least try to get some rest.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs and Tony kiss, but it isn't quite what Gibbs expected.