"Ziva told me what happened in the car today." Gibbs said calmly not even stopping the elevator like he usually did for meetings. It had been a long day and an even longer night as they had finished up "It's a Wonderful Life." at the annual NCIS Christmas party. They had cleared a Marine's name and reunited him with his long lost daughter, Melissa. Gibbs watched Tony throughout the movie wondering why Tony hadn't settled down like he had at his age. He could tell the smile on Tony's face was just a mask, it was a fake, it never reached his eyes. Gibbs could feel the longing that was always present in his senior field agent during holidays. The rest of the team had someplace to go, someone to go to, Ziva flew to Israel, McGee went to visit his Sister and Father, Abby went to see her parents, and Ducky stayed with his family along with Palmer. Even he had his Father whom he had just reconnected to, Tony had nobody, Gibbs knew that feeling all too well. Coming home to a cold, empty and quiet house while next door children were playing and music was blaring, Christmas lights shone brightly. Their house decked out in lights while yours was dark and uninviting, the scrooge's house, but nobody knew how painful it was to put up decorations, how it was a mockery, it was too painful when there was no one to share them with.
But he knew. He knew how lonely it could get, how the walls would close in and the oxygen get thinner, how the only escape, the only way to breathe was through alcohol, or partying, clubbing. Inviting random girls or people home, anything to fill the empty house, make it expand; push reality away for a few hours, a few days…that's all you needed was a few days until you were back to normal everyday life. But even then you paid for what little happiness, or escape, you could find, the pain comes back tenfold, you know this, but it doesn't matter because you just need to escape the pain before it becomes too much. A glutton for punishment. One year he had picked up a hooker off the streets to spend the holidays with him, she had only been there for three hours before he walked past a picture of Shannon and Kelly, and kicked the hooker out. He had almost eaten his gun that night. He had came so damn close to it, but DiNozzo had walked in just when he was about to pull the trigger. He had saved him, and stayed with him that Christmas, not giving him the chance to feel any more sorrow. And now it was time to repay him.
"Did she now? And what was that?" Tony said Gibbs could hear the snideness in his voice, the defenses already going up.
"About Family." Gibbs said evenly, watching him out of the corner of his eyes, "Do you ever regret not having one?"
"Why would I want a family? It would just weigh me down, no clubbing, no other woman…..I prefer the freedom I have now." Tony said in his usual cocky-casual manner. Gibbs looked to the floor seeing the lie in his eyes.
"It is just me in this elevator with you Tony, nobody else. You don't have to play that game with me." Gibbs said soothingly, trying to dull the sharp edges that were about to come out in Tony's next words.
"I'm not playing a game Gibbs. I'm fine without a family. I've done it for years and have been happy, why would it change now?" Tony snapped.
"Because you have changed DiNozzo. Have you really been happy in the past?" Gibbs asked quietly, Tony looked at him for a moment.
"You should be talking; you almost blew your brains out one year." Tony said just as quietly, a lump in his throat, he closed his eyes as the picture of Gibbs with a gun in his mouth flashed before his eyes, breathing out painfully he croaked, "Don't ever do that again. You scared me."
"I won't." Gibbs promised, his own mouth dry, eyes on the floor, uncomfortable as the memory that hit too close to home was brought up. "I know your pain Anthony. You are not the only one who is alone."
It was Tony's turn to look at the floor, his defenses unweaving, leaving a hole in his heart making him feel like a vulnerable schoolboy. "How do you do it Boss? How do you get through the holidays? I don't want to have to keep going through this. It hurts too much…." He trailed off painfully, Gibbs stopped the elevator then, hearing his own pain echoed in Tony's voice, he turned around to face his Senior Field Agent, he nearly closed his eyes as he saw the cry for help in Tony's eyes. He swallowed against the lump in his throat at the obvious trust Tony had in him, it was hard looking at his agents sometimes knowing that they all trusted him implicitly and explicitly, and also knowing that they also may get killed, that that trust may be their downfall. He knew how Tony was reckless, knew it was because Tony knew he'd always have his six, sometimes he wanted to yank their trust apart just to keep him safe but he knew that would completely destroy his second-in-command.
"I know. Boat, bourbon, basement." Gibbs said smirking a little, Tony nodded.
"I don't have a basement or the know-how to make a boat." Tony replied.
"You don't 'make' a boat Tony. You build it, you create a boat." Gibbs said rolling his eyes.
"No, creating means you made the first one ever in the whole world. There were boats long before you even came into this world." Tony corrected finally smirking back, which earned him a head-slap. Tony merely shrugged.
"I don't know how I get through. I don't think about it. You shouldn't either." Gibbs said roughly.
"It's hard not to, my walls in my apartment are paper thin." He said, Gibbs eyes narrowed, before he sighed.
"Your poor neighbors." Gibbs said wryly, Tony smiled a bit. "Happiness is a choice DiNozzo. Believe it or not. You choose how you react to things."
"Bullshit." Tony whispered harshly. "Is that why you almost shot yourself? Do you have any idea how scared I was? What were you thinking? Did you think no one would miss you? That nobody cared? You were just so happy you couldn't take it anymore huh?"
Gibbs felt anger burst through his concern, he almost slammed DiNozzo against the wall but he had never hurt any member of his team and he wouldn't start now, especially not with Tony. He couldn't risk losing the one person he had that he considered more than a friend, more than an agent--family.
"That's not what I meant Tony. I said I was sorry. I don't apologize often…" Gibbs said painfully aware that Tony wanted to punch him; what surprised him though was the guilt that was now clouding the angry look in his agents eyes.
"You remember when Sharif gave that homeless guy his backpack with a bomb in it?" seeing Tony nod slowly he went on, "I meant it when I said you are my son."
Everything went silent then, the air grew heavy, the space seemed shorter, he could see DiNozzo was pressed against the wall as far away from him as possible. Sighing inaudibly, his hand tightened into a fist, his heart beating wildly, concern growing as he caught the wild fear and guilt playing out in Tony's eyes before they sunk to the ground. Something twisted in Gibbs' gut, something wasn't right.
"Tony?" Gibbs asked quietly, stepping closer to him.
"Gibbs…" he whispered looking shame-faced, pain and misery laced in his voice.
"What is it Tony? You know you can tell me anything." Gibbs said.
Tony nodded, "I'm sorry. For last year."
Gibbs frowned, nothing had happened last Christmas. Or last year that he could think of. "What are you on about DiNozzo?"
Tony swallowed thickly, his face heating up. "I….I…..did the same thing you almost did……I almost…" He couldn't finish the sentence but one look into Gibbs shocked and angry eyes told him his point was made.
"You what?" Gibbs hissed, "Tony!" He wanted to yell at him, to shake him and beat him senseless. If he had lost Tony…..he didn't know what he would do. It was hard enough losing Kate but losing Tony would push him over the edge. Suddenly a picture of him showing up at Tony's place in search of him, to find Tony dead his own gun in his hand flashed before his eyes. He paled, his stomach twisting painfully, bile rising in his throat he walked until he stood right in front of his agent. Looking him in the eyes, pinning him with his glare, he head slapped him.
"If you ever even think of doing anything like that again you are going to wish you were dead because I will kick your ass. You may or may not ever have a family of your own, I don't know. If you do that girl will be lucky and you will make a brilliant father, and I wish that I would have the pleasure of meeting them and having some role in their life if you so wish. If not you will still be one of the finest agents to have ever made a difference in this world, you will go on knowing that without you things would have been different. You will look around and see all the people that care about you and smile. Either way you will never be alone because I will always be here." Gibbs said gruffly, with force. Tony swallowed nervously, afraid to speak, he simply nodded, mouth dry.
Gibbs stepped back and turned the elevator on again, the silence was slightly awkward, the air was turning warmer by the second. Tony's throat was opening and shutting, trying to get in oxygen but none seemed to come, he knew what he wanted to say, he knew he had to force it out, that only then would things go back to being normal. Like turning into the ice.
"Gibbs. If I have kids I want you to be their Grandfather." Tony whispered hoarsely. Gibbs swiveled around quickly, a dangerous look on his face, a look of shock, fear, and hope mixed in his blue orbs. "I'm not kidding. I want them to know you. To love you. I want you in their lives….."
Gibbs walked closer to Tony again, and squeezed his shoulder, "I will be. Just like I always have been for you."
Tony smiled disarmingly before Gibbs stepped back, and softly whacked the back of his head affectionately. Tony head-slapped him back full force. Gibbs turned his head, glaring, Tony just smiled again and he rolled his eyes. "You are staying with me this Christmas. I will not except no as an answer, pack your bags and be over at my place in an hour."
"On it boss!" Tony said as the doors opened and he raced to his car, Gibbs gave a little smile before walking to his own.
Author's Chapter Notes:
A little snippet I thought was missing from the episode "Silent Night." Gibbs and Tony bonding. What if Ziva had told Gibbs about the conversation her and Tony had in the car?