Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day,
Nothing Gold can stay."
-Robert Frost.
"Abs, you ok?" He heard his Senior Field Agent ask through the open door of the NCIS Lab. They had just caught their serial killer's murderer, with much dancing around Abby who insisted they needed to talk about Mexico it had taken all his negotiating skills to make Abby hold off on the conversation she wanted to have and focus on doing her job. After sending Ziva, McGee and DiNozzo home he had come down to tell Abby to meet him at his home and he would make them dinner and have this discussion over steak, only to stop right outside her door upon seeing his whole team, Ducky and Palmer included, gathered inside Abby's lab; judging by the looks on their faces they had no idea why they were down here or why Abby was fidgeting, nervous and lost for words with tears in her eyes. He cursed himself for this, he didn't regret killing the murderer of his wife and daughter, but he regretted that Abby was brought into this mess; she wasn't a day over twenty-five and had no idea how to handle situations such as these she probably hadn't thought that she'd end up in a position such as this when she signed up at NCIS.
"No guys, I'm not. And I'm not going to be ok, until everything else is ok. And everything is not ok, at all. It's all wrong!" She said hoarsely.
"Abby what's going on? Why'd you email us and tell us to come down here?" Tony asked gently.
"Is it Mikel?" McGee asked Abby just shook her head.
"No, it's not Mikel, it's Gibbs." Abby said, plopping down on her stool, her shoulders slumped in defeat.
"Gibbs? Did he forget your Birthday again?" Ziva said confused.
"No. Something worse. I don't even know if I know him any more." She sniffled. Gibbs frowned, how many of his ex-wives had said that right before they told him they wanted a divorce? He moved closer to the door and farther into the shadows, his past always came back to haunt him in some way shape or form whether it be dreaming of Shannon and Kelly or a case eerily similar to his family's.
"Did…Did Agent Gibbs….uh…hurt you?" Palmer timidly interjected, Gibbs nearly growled, only to be calmed by the resounding thud and yelp of pain that came out of Palmer's mouth in the seconds following the solid hit.
"Jethro would never hurt Abigail Mr. Palmer, and to imply he would is insulting not only to him but to all of us who consider Jethro our friend. So next time you have something to say think before you let it come out of that thick skull of yours." He heard his oldest and most dearest friend say, surprised that it had been him who had hit Palmer, and not Abby.
"Sorry Abby. I just thought-never mind." Palmer said breaking off at a glare from Ducky.
"Ok, I'm just gonna say it. Gibbs killed someone." Abby said after taking a big breath.
"He kills people everyday Abby. It's part of his job." DiNozzo said raising an eyebrow at her.
"No I mean in cold-blood."
"He was a sniper Abs, he killed a lot of people in cold-blood." McGee said confusion in his voice.
He heard Abby sigh in frustration. "No! You guys aren't getting it! Gibbs murdered someone! When I went to Mexico I was assigned a twenty year old cold case, a drug lord-Pedro Hernandez was shot by a sniper from a hundred yards away. The sniper hadn't policed his brass, and we were given the bullet by a rival drug cartel. The casing matched Gibbs. Gibbs murdered Pedro Hernandez."
"Why would Gibbs kill a drug lord in Mexico?" Ziva said in disbelief.
"Pedro Hernandez…I heard that name before." Tony said, Gibbs nearly smiled, of course it would be Tony, even though the circumstance wasn't ideal pride swelled in his chest. "He's the guy that killed Gibbs family."
Abby nodded, sniffling.
"And you just happened to get this case?" McGee said suspiciously, Gibbs smirked his team was the best.
"Rule forty, if it seems someone is out to get you-they are." Tony recited from memory, his eyebrows scrunched together, "We have no time to go over the suspect list, this obviously has something to do with what happened twenty years ago, and we weren't around then. And Gibbs is definitely not going to be very forthcoming."
"So what are we going to do?" Ziva asked.
He felt an unfamiliar warmth that didn't come often enter his chest, sending warm shivers down his back; his team didn't even flinch or miss a beat upon hearing Gibbs killed the man, the only person bothered by this was Abby. Her youth holding on innocently to the rule book and the law, thinking justice could and should only be served one way, she was so naïve, and he wanted her to stay that way, because anything else would hurt her.
"What do I do? I mean Rivera and Vance are expecting my report, and I have evidence that could put Gibbs away forever!" Abby said fearfully.
"What are you going to do? What are you going to do? You are going to get rid of it, Abby. That should be obvious. Hernandez got what he deserved end of story." Tony said glaring at the young forensic scientist.
"Gibbs murdered someone Tony! Murdered!" Abby yelled at him.
"Stop pretending that's what has you so pissed off Abigail because it's not, " Tony started angrily, cutting straight to the point in a cold and sharp voice that shocked Gibbs; he had never seen or heard his Senior Field Agent like this before. "No, what you're upset about is that Gibbs isn't perfect to you anymore. You put him on this pedestal and he disappointed you, that's what has you so upset. You hero-worshipped him, hell I still do, and now he's no longer perfect in your eyes. Well that's just too damn bad, people let you down, people aren't perfect. Get over it and stop acting so childish because what you are doing is worst then what Gibbs did-you are proposing to seek revenge on Gibbs for not being perfect by sending him to prison for the rest of his life. You are way out of line Abby, and it's a shame you can't see it because it's very clear to me. Spoiled brat."
Throughout his tirade Tony had taken many steps forward until he was right in Abby's face, Gibbs didn't know what to think, half of him was pissed because DiNozzo dared to treat Abby that way when she was just trying to do the right thing and the other half of him was nodding his approval. This is exactly what he had wanted to make Abby realize tonight, however he had wanted her to realize it and then make a decision of her own and on her own of what she should do with the bullet. DiNozzo wasn't giving her a choice at all. He was slightly impressed by his second in command as well, usually Tony deflected everything with humor, or beat around the bush, he had never seen Tony get straight to the point-not counting the time he punched Kort in the face, which was pretty direct in and of itself.
"Hey! Leave her alone Tony! She's right, Gibbs murdered someone which is against the law. Remember we can't just investigate the crimes we like." McGee rose to Abby's defense.
"Unless of course it involves your little sister." Tony spat back at him.
His team was falling apart, dividing right in half before his eyes and he could do nothing to stop it, no matter what he did or said they'd still know, they'd still feel that way. Abby was in tears but her eyes were filled with resentful, hurt anger, McGee was at Abby's side, Ducky and Palmer were in the background watching things play out, Ziva was behind Tony, ready to assist him or hold him back. He had seen Tony spar with the others many times before but it had been all in jest, never in his wildest dreams did he ever think his team could ever seriously fight, right now they were all breaking Rule fifteen: work as a team. And yet, he wondered, why was Tony taking this so personally?
"That was different Tony, my sister didn't do it-and even at the time she was just a suspect we didn't know for sure if it was or was not her-but we do know for sure that it was Gibbs who murdered Hernandez." McGee retorted.
"He was a drug lord who murdered a Marine's family for witnessing him murdering someone else! You want to bring Gibbs down for that? Gibbs, the man who has had all of our sixes in the field and off the field, the man who would die for us and any one else who needed protection, the man who served his country with no regards to his own safety. Putting Country and other's before himself, because he killed a drug lord? Are you kidding me?" Tony exploded in complete disbelief.
"It was still murder Tony."
"No it was justice McGee. There's a difference. Tell me, probie, if it wasn't Abby telling us this, say it was the Mexican police, would you feel the same?" Tony asked raising an eyebrow.
"Yes." McGee said without hesitation.
Tony laughed humorlessly, "Bullshit Timothy. You bullshit more than the CIA does. You reek of it. No, you would agree with me, you would want to bury it and defend Gibbs. But you're too in love with Abby and too busy kissing ass trying to become the Director's favorite Agent-waiting for a promotion Timmy?-to really think about it."
Gibbs felt nauseas, he could hear the anger and wild panic in Tony's voice, he knew the desperation the young man was experiencing-it was the desperation of a man who was about to lose everything. Men like that were dangerous and liable to do anything to protect the life they had, the situation had to be defused-DiNozzo had to be defused before it got out of hand but from where he currently was standing there was no chance that was about to happen, He felt his heart ache for Tony.
"Maybe YOU are the one deluded! The one who hero-worships him and now that his honor and perfect-ness is being threatened you feel threatened!" Abby threw in his face.
"I don't deny Gibbs killed Hernandez. I don't care! You are going to destroy that evidence!" Tony seethed.
"No I'm not." Abigail said.
Tony laughed, "Oh this is good. Real good. At first you didn't know what to do, but now that you are mad at me, for telling you the truth by the way, you are gonna get back at me by sending Gibbs to prison. Wow, killing two birds with one stone, guess you do know how to multi-task well Abs. Your parents must be so proud."
The sound of someone being backhanded echoed around the room, making all go quiet for a couple of moments before Abby yelled hysterically, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Gibbs watched as Tony stepped back a couple paces, putting space between him and the others, distancing himself from the group of people. "Nothing." Tony whispered, unable to look anybody in the eye, Gibbs felt his heart constrict once more, Tony looked so lost, like a child who was torn between fighting parents. Never before had the need to reassure his agent been stronger than it was at that moment, he ached to comfort Tony, and yet stood his ground waiting for things to unravel on it's own.
"You are defending a murderer." Abby whispered quietly, but loud enough to carry throughout the room.
"I'm defending Gibbs." Tony rebutted.
"He's a murderer." McGee said crossing his arms, just willing Tony to fight, Gibbs had never wanted to slap him more.
"No he is not."
"Gibbs murdered someone Tony." Abby said gently as if talking to a child.
"He did it for the right reasons." Tony defended, Gibbs felt a lump in his throat just choke him up as his agent continued to defend him as if his own life depended on it. Never had anyone been so faithful to him, besides Shannon and a few Marine buddies.
"Once again, murder is still murder. Regardless of the reason why." McGee said
"Shut up Probie." Tony muttered darkly, Abby punched McGee then turned back to Tony.
"He is what he is, DiNozzo. A murderer." McGee said, "This isn't any easier for me."
Tony snorted at that, then gave a humorless cry of pain before hissing, "I find that hard to believe."
"Tony, he's a murderer." Abby said trying to make him understand that someone who committed murder was a murderer.
"He's my Father!" Tony shouted before punching a hole into Abby's wall, the plaster crumbling, blood splattering everywhere as a stomach churning crunch was heard. Gibbs winced, feeling his chest constrict at Tony's heartfelt words, a whole new set of emotions rolling over him, making it hard to stand. Tony looked up to him like a father, he considered him his father. His father. He couldn't wrap his mind around it, not knowing how to feel about it he tried to repress the happiness that he could feel bubbling up inside, afraid to betray Kelly.
"I think Tony and Abby need some time alone to sort out what they're going to do about this mess. So why don't we all go home and rest. There's been enough drama tonight." Ducky said leading the pack, McGee looked like he was about to argue but one look at Ducky's face and he was falling in right behind the others. Gibbs pressed himself further into the shadows as they passed by, Ducky letting the others pass him to the elevator, when they were alone Ducky said softly, "Jethro do make sure Tony gets that hand looked at." Nodding even though he knew the M.E. couldn't see him he watched as his friend walked away.
"Tony….." Abby started softly in a less condescending tone, even Gibbs could hear the compassion and understanding in her voice, he looked over at his Senior Field Agent who was slumped in a stool turned away from Abby facing her machines and the hole in the wall. His eyes looked defeated, Gibbs tried swallowing the lump in his throat but couldn't breathe, the pain his agent was going through, no his son, hurt him. This was all his fault, he shut his eyes as he leaned back, and slid noiselessly to the floor, bringing his knees up, and resting his head against the wall.
"Gibbs is like a Father to me too." Abby said.
"You are showing it in a funny way." Tony said tonelessly.
"Just because I want to do what is right does not mean that I love Gibbs any less. He's still a second Father to me."
"I know Abby, it's just….."
"You love him."
Tony shrugged in agreement, not being one to be so open with his true affection. Gibbs sighed and put a hand on his face, rubbing it he wondered why this had all happened.
"Gibbs is a good man, he doesn't deserve this Abs. He has done too much for this country, for this agency, for everything! To be brought down like this, not only is his name going to be tarnished, but he's going to spend the rest of his life behind bars until he dies." He could hear Tony's voice break, his own heart followed knowing the pain was for him. "Gibbs doesn't deserve that after everything he's sacrificed. His family, his Marines, a partner…..he's given up so much and now he's going to die in a grey, cold cell. I won't let it happen. I won't let this happen to him." Tony said fiercely, "I don't care what I have to do, if I have to risk my career and my life for him I'll do it. That man deserves to walk with God for all I'm concerned."
"I'm still going to send my report."
"Yeah well without your evidence and the proof to back it up, it will be pointless." Tony said dully.
"I won't stop you." Abby whispered. Tony nodded, just as Abby started talking about getting Tony to the hospital he got up and left, leaving the two closest people to him in emotional upheaval behind. Returning to the bullpen he sat at his desk, staring at those of his agents.
Directly across from his sat McGee's, who he wasn't very personal with, it was his job to keep the man safe and turn him into a good agent. He was a trainer for McGee, a leader but that's it, McGee would not let him be anything else, not like Vance. The junior agent had immediately let Vance in, whether it was because of Vance's knowledge of computers or that Vance seemed to like Agent's like McGee he didn't know, and didn't care. So long as McGee answered to him before Vance it was alright, and he had to give the man credit he stood up for what he believed in, what the law was. Not many wouldn't bend the rules for those that they love, McGee's standards were the laws standards, he hired a good, honest man and had no regrets about it.
Next to his was Ziva's, he was her mentor, her safety and foundation, she knew she could trust him with her life, and for her he was her go-to person, the one she counted on to have her back. Like an uncle, she needed him to be strong, and honest, to be everything her Father wasn't. She needed him to show her the ropes, to shape her into a better person.
And Tony…Tony was special to him. He may go about showing it the wrong way, what with the head slaps and all, but he had been with him the longest, he had grown fond of the man, his jokes and pranks, the way he smiled and his cocky attitude. He was the only agent capable of standing up to him when need be. He smiled fondly as he remembered when Tony lifted his cell phone, he had threatened to break his fingers if he ever did it again, he wouldn't of course, seeing Tony in pain hurt more than if he himself was hurt. And god forbid anybody else hurt his agent. Tony had a poor excuse for a Father, and was constantly looking up to him, he made sure everything he did set a good example, something Tony could follow, he had a few slip ups but he made sure Tony understood the difference. He didn't know what he had done to deserve Tony, but he had him. Which worried him because everything good to him had always been violently and tragically ripped away from him in some horrific event, whether it be murder or paranoid schizophrenia, or suicide, or divorce. He was always left alone. He couldn't keep anything this good for long. It was just a matter of time.
His team needed him to be different things to each one of them; all of them depended on him to be the person they needed him to be. Abby and Tony still hero-worshipped him and if that wasn't enough McGee thought he knew everything, and Ziva expected him to be superman, and amongst all the stress and expectations Ducky wanted him to open up more and talk. But how could he possibly do that when he was busy being four other people? Everybody wanted more, usually more than he could give but somehow he came up with it. People just expected him to bare his soul but how could he ever do that and destroy everybody's visions of him? To be himself he'd have to reveal his past and to do that would show everybody who he really was, sure some of the things he was to the others was a part of the real him but they weren't the complete version. It was the complete version that would ruin everything, to know that their boss was as bad as the CIA going on black ops, assassinating people, sleeping with people for information, torturing, sending his own men out as bait, and targets. None of them knew exactly what he had been called to do throughout his career, and if Abby thought that she didn't know him now, he could only imagine what would happen if he told her all that.
He snorted, they really didn't know him, he wondered if they would still feel the same, more importantly if Tony would still feel the same if they did. Tony probably would, he'd understand, and even if he didn't his loyalty would make him side with Gibbs, which warmed the old man's usually frosty heart. How could he ever get anyone to understand the pain of losing Shannon and Kelly? The pain of waking up everyday and finding an empty bed or another red head? How could he tell them that for those first ten seconds before he was fully aware in the morning that he could imagine it was Shannon in bed next to him. And for those ten seconds his world was right again, he was happy. How could he get them to understand every bastard they put away was Pedro Hernandez? That every breath he took he wished he hadn't? Could they possibly understand that he no longer cared if he lived or died? That he had nobody left? That the faces he assassinated haunted him in his sleep, that the people he didn't catch taunted him.
If he told anyone any of those things he ran the risk of losing them, and that was unacceptable, he would not lose his entire life to the darkness that ate at him constantly. He was a killer, a murderer just like Abby said, but he did it for the right reasons. At least he told himself that, and it helped that he continued to put bad guys away as repentance for his past sins. The guilt ate him alive, guilt that he hadn't been there for his girls, protecting them, guilt that so many had died at his hand, necessary or not. It was like a gaping hole inside of him that was never to be filled.
He couldn't tell anyone about his past, couldn't let them see him, because they needed him to be someone else; and for those he loved he would do anything for and if that meant burying his painful past and marching on then so be it. He would never tell anyone about his loves, his kills, his life. He would be everything he needed to be and forget himself so the others could live. He would not set his pain loose on the others, especially not when they deserved so much more. He stood over his Senior Field Agent's desk staring down at it, affection burning in his heart, if there was anyone he would be able to ever entrust with his past it would be Tony, and one day he would reveal himself to DiNozzo, because it's what a Father would do.
"Got your six., son" He whispered gruffly, audible only to him, it was probably the closest he'd ever get to saying I love you, but Tony would understand because Tony was precious to him.
And as he swooped out of the NCIS building he thought about his plans for the night, the hours he would work on the boat and smiled almost bitterly, looking forward to spending time with his boat, he had yet to put the name on the boat, but he had already christened it.
Tony.
Because all good things, everything precious to him, was always taken away.
Author's Chapter Notes:
It was just a matter of time until all of them were gone. His past wouldn't let him rest, it was too busy haunting him, willing him to die