“So my dear,” Doc questioned sipping the elderberry wine, and looking at Snow White, while Happy and Dopey washed up. Sleepy was dosing by the fire. Bashful sat all gooey eyed at Snow White, while Sneezey sniffled. “Your wicked stepmother, we seem to have a lot of them round here, them and grandma.”
“So where are you intending to stay?” Grumpy gruffly asked, sitting with his arms folded.
“Oh I thought maybe that B+B down the road. The one that looks like a shoe.” she replied.
“I wouldn’t” Sleepy announced, “She’s got all those children, and the husband not been seen since he climbed the bean stalk. She’s got the family allowance anyway.” as he went back to sleeping.
“You could always share with us.” Happy and Dopey said together, “I mean we have the double bed. You could be piggy in the middle.” Happy continued.
“Heh talking about piggies, did you hear about the three pigs down the street. A big bad wolf came and coughed and sneezed and blew two of their houses down. He then wandered off to Grandma’s. Scared the sh…..”
“Yes Sneezy we get the picture.” Doc replied, “But maybe you would like to stay here. I’m sure you could do wonders for the cottage, the cooking, and the way Bashful is looking doe eyed at you, you have a friend for life. Also Sneezy needs a medicine. What if I ask grumpy here to make you a bunk above the girls, a futon style. What would you say to that my dear?”
“If I’m not too much trouble, that would be nice.” Snow White now answered, “I won’t annoy you too much Grumpy, honest.”
“Humph,” he replied folding his arms again.
****
Now children I suppose you are wondering of the wicked stepmother. And I will endeavour to return to the old hag.
Snow White’s stepmother woke from her slumbers, and went in search of Snow White.
She couldn’t find her. Not the first time she had disappeared with her friends. So she went for a bath and to wash her hair. She returned to her boudoir, and looked in the mirror.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall who IS the fairest of them all?” she enquired.
“Well.” the mirror answered, “There is Goldilocks. And little red riding hood, but if you are asking fair, as in beauty, then I have to say Snow White.”
“Ooooo”. As the wicked stepmom, hit the glass.
"Hey that hurt you old witch."
"No-one calls me an old witch, and gets away with it." She replied thumping the reflection.
"Done it now lady," the mirror replied, "7 years bad luck for assault." as the mercury collected itself into a pool and slithered off.
"Where you going?" the witch questioned.
"Heard, Harry Potter doing auditions, for the "Mirror of Erised. Thought, I'd try my luck, since you ain't got any."
"Ooooooooooo" the hag shouted.
“Squawk. Hrak” She turned to see the rook.
“Hiyvoron, how are you? How are things in the Ukraine?” She asked, “You could do me a favour?” she now added.
“Run it by me, and I’ll see if I can help.” The rook replied, laying back against the window frame.
“Snow White, I think she’s run away, need you to find her. Give me a bell if you do.” As the rook flew off, into the air, and towards the woods.
****
So this was how things continued children, Snow White keeping house for the Dwarfs, cooking, cleaning and mending their torn clothes. She talked to the animals. Grumpy he was true to his word and began to make a bed for Snow White. And so it was one weekend, he heard this noise.
“Rivit, rivet.”
He looked down at the noise and saw this huge frog.
“Look la Grenouille, I know where to stick the rivet into the wood. But go the way you’re going and I’ll rivet you.” now thinking frogs legs cooked in garlic sauce.
“No please I’m really a handsome prince, turned into this form by my wicked stepfather.”
“Hey, you got one of those as well?” he replied, “Maybe you should see Snow White, she cured Sneezy’s hay fever, and found out that Sleepy has a reaction to some foods, that’s what makes him tired all the time. She has also found I’m Grumpy, because of some “E’s” and so we are cutting them out, and cutting down on coffee.”
“Do you think she could help me?” the frog asked.
“Sure, but what does she have to do?” Grumpy now enquired.
“She needs to kiss me.” The frog replied.
They went to find Snow White.
****
“No. No. No.” she shouted stamping her foot, “I will not kiss some pesky amphibian.”
“But my dear, if he were to turn into a handsome prince.” Doc questioned.
“Yuk, see the warts.” As she turned and stormed off.
“Sorry old boy, we’ll need to get some other way for you to kiss her.” Doc now replied, looking down at the frog.
****
Now children, we must return to the witch and to see if the rook or hiyvoron had returned with information. You will have learnt that Hiyvoron is the Ukrainian for rook, have you not, because you are really not very bright if you don’t. Also Hrak is another name for it.
“Hrak,” it squawked, “Sorry getting a sore throat with all that crowing. But yes, I have found out where Snow White is shacking up. Sorry bedding down, sorry staying. Heck ma’am, I’m a rook, Kruk my cousin, the Ukranian raven, although he sometimes gets called Vron………….”
“Look, not the first time I cooked 24 black birds in a pie, gonna get on with it.” Mallyali asked.
“Hey, ok, don’t get your knickers in a twist. She’s staying with seven dwarfs over in the secret valley. Yeh, yeh, I know………”
“Tell me, what has, Kruk got to say, and to say, in Scandinavian, kort the story.”
“Hey ma’am, you cool dood, how you know all this lingo.”
Kort, children, is the Scandinavian for short, but of course being bright young things, you knew this.
“Wow, Ok,” the rook replied, “SW as she’s now calling herself, she’s talking with the birds, something called twitter, and man, is she one suffragette.”
“I do not understand?” wicked mom replied.
“Come on, she’s suffered……she’s become an independent girl. I don’t know, she’s becoming the WRI of the Cotswolds. She’s becoming a right little good girl. Hey she’s even started a health class.” the rook answered back.
“Yuk, you know what this is going to do for the world. For story writers, for the scriptwriters, who love death. I think we need to plan something.” the witch announced.
“Fair enough, if you need a hand just call,” as the bird flew off.
“Right,” said the wicked step mom, “What could Snow White never ever refuse? Got it, fudge candy,” turning and heading for the kitchen, “So much for her healthy regime.” She smiled to herself.
****
Now children you may have been wondering what Snow White had been up to in the valley. Well, she had organised a play group for the lady who had the B+B, and got interested in veterinary care for the animals. She had particularly helped the three blind mice who had had their tails docked by the farmer’s wife. She had got Grumpy to make little hip braces and using some twine had made tails for the mice. At least they didn’t look like hamsters anymore. And she had taught them how to climb the clock-tower in the village, without falling down.
She had wanted to start an organic farm, but had been persuaded not too. In fact, she just got on looking after the Dwarfs. The summer passed and the fields needed harvested, the grain thrashed (ouch it cried). The rye, Grumpy took to make some illicit whiskey. The oats, Doc took to make porridge oats for everyone, so that left the wheat for bread and cakes. The orchards were picked of their fruits, and either bottled or jammed (ouch) into jars. It had been a good summer and so the villagers had decided to hold a harvest festival. They put up banns, and invited strangers. And so it came to pass children, the wicked stepmom heard of the fun. She packed some goodies and went with her sister, to the village.
****
The village was jumping, it was nice autumnal weather. Snow White had made friends with another runaway, by the name of Goldi Lockes. Yes, another lost child. Only, what had happened on that summer morning, still had the villagers talking.
Goldi, had arrived cold and wet one summer morning. She had wandered through the forbidden forest and been chased by a wolf. “Hey blondie, I wanted you to meet my niece, Little Red Riding Hood.” The wolf had shouted. She had sought sanctuary in the cottage she had found. Because she had travelled overnight, and was tired, she smelt the oaty porridge. She was hungry, “Just a little taste,” she muttered. The first too sweet, “Yuk, who puts sugar, in porridge?” The second was too cold, and had a skin on the top, “well that looks like you could sole a shoe with.” She said. The third was just right and she sat and ate it all up. And then went to sleep in one of the beds.
The bear family had arrived home from their morning jog, with Snow White. They were all doing a 13k for charity. Snow White’s, animal welfare trust. They had made their breakfast early so it would be fine to eat when they returned, only what they found was not so good.
Snow White had persuaded the bears, not to chase Goldi, but to take her in as an au pair. That way, baby bear would be looked after while mother went out to work. So this was how Goldi Lockes became part of the village.
But children I digress, and need to return to the fete, or should that be fate of Snow White.
Author's Chapter Notes:
How Goldie Lockes came to the village.