CHAPTER TWO
For a moment, Ziva doesn’t seem to realize that Gibbs has left, as she’s still staring at the now closed elevator doors with a dumbfound look on her face.
“Probably a coffee-run”, Tony mutters. Whether he says it to reassure Ziva or himself, he doesn’t want to think about. He tries to refocus on his work but when he realizes that he’s already forgotten what he had been reading before Gibbs left, he lets out a frustrated growl and gets up from his chair so fast that it almost falls to the ground.
As he strides towards the men’s room, he hears Ziva mumble something about ‘Americans’ and ‘drama’, but he can’t bring himself to care. He nearly pulls the door out of its hinges as he reaches the restroom and comes to a dead stop in front of the mirror. He clutches the sink so tightly his knuckles are white as he tries to keep his composure. He fails miserably. When he sighs deeply and looks up, the mirror shows his reflection but he hardly recognizes himself. His eyes are red and suspiciously bright and he looks pale, like he hasn’t slept in days. Come to think of it, he hasn’t.
Tony starts to pace around the small room, desperate to calm his nerves. If Gibbs comes back and sees him like this, he’ll know immediately something is up. And Gibbs hates weakness. God, this need he has to please his Boss, it’s gonna be the end of him. How do you protect someone who doesn’t feel the need to protect himself? The mere thought of what could have happened if he hadn’t found Gibbs on time, it kills him. In a burst of anger, Tony punches the wall beside him. “Fuck!” he yells as he grips his fist tightly, more out of shock than pain.
He looks back in the mirror and his jaw clenches. Why does he feel so angry anyway? He should have known that Gibbs wouldn’t play safe and by the book, he should have known that his Boss would rather protect everyone else before he’d save himself. Tony had been looking after his team mates for years now and he could barely remember a life before having Gibbs’ six. Who was he without this job? He had become the job.
He rubs his hands against his face in an attempt to pull himself together. When he’d first realized that his feelings for Gibbs went far beyond loyalty towards his Boss, he’d promised himself that he would never let it affect his work. He couldn’t move to another state, not again. The thought alone of never seeing Gibbs again, was worth the torture of not being able to come forward about his feelings. It was worth saving Gibbs’ ass if he himself didn’t save it. He could never leave.
When he came out of the restroom, Ziva was casually leaning against the wall. “So, what was that about?” she tried to make it sound lighthearted but Tony could clearly hear her concern. He could try to come up with a dirty joke to put her off but his body seemed to have been drained of all energy. “Wow, Ziva, this must be the first time you’ve resisted the urge to join me in there! You must be learning some manners.” “Yeah”, Ziva smirked, “for some reason they do not like it when I go in there.”
Just as Tony sits down at his desk, a familiar sound announces the arrival of the main elevator. He fights the urge to look out for his Boss and keeps his gaze focused on the paperwork that is laid out before him. He could be holding the menu of a Chinese restaurant and he wouldn’t have a clue but still, he cannot afford to be caught eyeing up his Boss every second of every day.
Gibbs doesn’t bother explaining what took him so long but Tony would be more worried if he had. Tony decides not to ponder on it and is finally able to finish his report before they’re sent home. He can’t remember the last time he’s finished work at a decent hour and can’t resist feeling a little lost. Ziva seems to feel the same way, as she hesitates before grabbing her backpack and looking over her shoulder at Gibbs before getting into the elevator.
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“Come on Boss, come on! Don’t make me do this, don’t make me kiss you, Boss!”
Kissing him will just make everything real and he can’t let it be real, can’t face the possibility of accepting he’s in love with a man. Not if that man is dying in his arms. He screws his eyes shut tight and forces himself to get over it, to bend over and let his lips touch those of the man he loves so deeply.
He can’t hold back the sob as he feels Gibbs’ lips against his, ice cold and unmoving.
Tony doesn’t know how long he’s been breathing for him, forcing air in his lungs with an almost tender touch against his lips and then pressing his hands against his chest in a rhythm that has him functioning on autopilot.
He knows it’s not working but it doesn’t register. Even the blearing sirens of the ambulance that rapidly approaches them don’t cut through the thick fog in his mind.
When suddenly he’s pulled up by two pairs of strong arms and carried away from Gibbs’ body, the fog pulls away and he realizes that he’s failed. He promised to keep his six and now Gibbs is dead.
“NO! Please, I need to be with him, let me go! Please!” he screams as he witnesses how Gibbs is covered by a sheet and carried away.
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“Gibbs!”
Tony jolts awake and realizes he’s trembling uncontrollably. He’s been having the same nightmare over and over since the day he pulled Gibbs out of that filthy river. He lies back down but he already knows that he won’t sleep another minute that night. If he doesn’t get a good night’s sleep soon, Gibbs will surely notice something’s very wrong.
He’s fed up with lying and hiding. He’s keeping such a big secret that he feels he can no longer see the wood for the trees.
Maybe he’ll only ever get to sleep again if he faces his feelings.
Maybe that’s what he needs to be able to move on.
Maybe he should tell Gibbs. Yeah, he definitely should. Tomorrow.
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A/N: I’m sorry it took me so long to finish this chapter. As I said, I’ve been really busy. This was a bit of a ‘filler’ chapter but I thought it was necessary for Tony to prepare himself for ‘the big confrontation’ ;-). I’ll try to update as soon as I can!
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
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