Chapter 10 â€" Interrupted sleep
"No… no, don't… no, please."
The frantic cries at an ever increasing volume would have been enough to penetrate Gibbs' sleep, even if he hadn't been aware of Abby shifting restlessly in bed, thrashing around, her voice growing more distressed with every word.
They'd shifted positions in the night and when he jerked awake, he became aware that he was lying behind her, arm wrapped around her waist, chest pressed against her back. He moved back slightly before he could get caught by a flailing arm, hesitating over the best way to interrupt her nightmare without startling her further.
Before he could make up his mind how best to get through her panic, a hoarse cry of "NO!" erupted from her lips and Abby surged bolt upright in bed.
As she came to, she clutched the sheets to her chest, her shoulders hunching over as if to protect herself. The sound of her labored breathing was harsh in the darkened room as Gibbs sat up, moving closer.
There was enough light seeping in from the hallway of the hotel, plus the streetlights outside for him to dimly see her panicked face, eyes darting around the room, her chest heaving as she fought for breath.
Gibbs had seen enough panic attacks in his time to recognize the symptoms of one fast approaching.
Abby almost screamed when she felt a hand on her arm, only relaxing when she heard a familiar voice calling her name.
She tried desperately to focus her mind on that well loved voice, but found that she could hardly breathe, and the more she tried to gulp in air, the less she was able to pull in. Gibbs heard her gasping, sensing her panic rising as she fought for breath but only managing shallow breaths.
He could feel the anguish and despair rolling off her in waves. He needed to get her breathing normally before she hyperventilated.
Gibbs shuffled round on the bed until he was facing her, hating the fear and anxiety he could see on her face… or rather loathing the maniac who had put it there. He felt dread clutch at him as he wondered what she was dreaming about that had triggered such a reaction.
He placed his hands over hers where they clutched at the sheets, raising his voice to get through her dazed state. "Abbs, listen to me."
She didn't pull away from him but he could tell that she wasn't quite with him yet. She simply couldn't seem to get enough air into her lungs, her desperate eyes darting everywhere but his face.
Gibbs pulled her hands to his chest, holding them there with one hand while his other hand wrapped round the side of her neck, trying to ground her with his touch and his voice.
"Abbs, breathe with me."
He breathed in deeply, holding her hands to his chest so she could feel his chest expand. "Come on, Abbs, feel me breathing. You can do it."
Whether it was his voice or his touch or the feel of his skin under her hands, but Abby slowly began to breathe in tandem with him. As he felt her start to take slightly deeper breaths, he cupped her cheek and leant his forehead against hers, whispering gently to her, trying to make her concentrate on his voice.
Gibbs gradually took increasingly deep breaths, hearing and feeling Abby slowly begin to match his breathing. He could feel her keep pace with him, inhaling and exhaling slowly… deeply… in…. out… until he saw her panic begin to subside.
As her eyes began to focus more on his face, Gibbs released her hands to cup her face with both his hands, feeling his own fear subside.
She was coming back to him.
Her palms kept pressed against his chest as he felt her relax.
Eventually, Gibbs heard her gasp his name and felt her shudder, her body starting to shake with reaction. He shuffled closer and wrapped his arms around her gently, not wanting to frighten her but needing the contact as much to reassure himself.
His own self control wasn't proof against a frightened, hurt, vulnerable Abby.
He felt her arms come round him, gripping him hard, burying her head in his neck and his arms tightened, rocking them gently. One of his hands came up to softly stroke her hair, soothing them both by the tender action, brushing his lips over her hair and nuzzling her temple.
Sensing her calming down but worried at how cold she felt in his arms, he gradually moved them so they were lying down. He continued to cradle her and she pressed even closer as he pulled the covers up around them both, forming a cocoon. Gibbs felt her body shaking and trembling and wrapped his arms more firmly around her, trying to instill some of his warmth into her chilled skin.
They lay quietly for a while, until her shaking subsided.
She moved her arms to grip him more tightly, trying to burrow as close as she could, taking comfort from his closeness and his warmth. He ran his hand up and down her spine, turning towards her slightly so he could wind both arms around her, entangling his legs round hers, seeking to get as much bodily contact as possible.
Gibbs felt the hitch in her breathing as she clutched at him, trembling on the verge of tears. Eventually, he could feel moisture on his neck and felt her finally start to cry.
Abby didn't cry very often.
Although she was a very emotional person, it took a lot to actually make her cry. She was too stubborn and he'd seen her battle back tears on more occasions than he cared to remember.
This time he was glad that she'd finally let go.
He'd been expecting this since he was reunited with her yesterday, but had seen her hold herself in, putting on a performance for the hospital staff, and for Callen. Then the evening had turned in a direction which he'd hoped for but couldn't have expected and they'd both been distracted by the emotional consequences of revealing their feelings.
Now in the quiet darkness of the night, her subconscious had taken over and reminded her body and mind of what she'd endured.
Until he spoke to Ducky, he felt out of his depth at how best to help her, but he knew without prompting that keeping everything bottled up was the worst thing she could do. It may be what he did… how he coped with grief and hurt by burying it, but it didn't make it the right way.
Abby needed to get her pain and anger out.
All he could do was be there to hold her when she did. Even when she cried, she didn't let go completely and it wasn't long before her quiet sobbing subsided, her breathing feeling shaky against his neck as she recovered.
Gibbs brought up his hand to cup the back of her neck, resting his hand on her hair and felt her nuzzle his neck, finally relaxing against him. Pressing gentle kisses over her forehead and across her face, he murmured her name and brushed his lips over her mouth before gently stroking her hair back from her face.
She settled against his firm chest, her heartbeat returning to normal, Gibbs' familiar scent enveloping her. He felt so warm and she wanted nothing more than to burrow into that warmth and shut out the rest of the world.
"I'm so glad you're here, Gibbs," her voice still sounded shaky even to her own ears.
"Me too, Abbs," came the soft reply.
"I'm not sure I could have coped without you." She hadn't wanted to be alone tonight.
"You don't have to." He let the silence drift for a while before asking, "how bad?" Neither needing to clarify that he was referring to her nightmare.
"Bad." She took a deep breath, needing to get it out. "I couldn't move, Gibbs. I woke up and I was in that chair again and as well as not being able to move, I couldn't breathe either. I tried and I tried but I couldn't get my breath."
She drew in an unsteady breath as his hands traced patterns on her back, telling herself over and over that she was here, with him. That she wasn't in that room any more… in that chair.
"I've got you, Abbs. He can't hurt you any more." Warm arms enfolded her.
Gibbs was here… she was safe.
Abby vividly remembered coming to yesterday morning, panicked for a moment when she couldn't focus. Her vision slowly cleared but as she realized she couldn't move, her body's defenses kicked in.
Her logical mind immediately made the leap between not moving to maybe not being able to breathe either and for a few terrifying seconds, she'd struggled for breath. It was several panic stricken moments before she realized that she could in fact breathe, it was just her chest muscles which were sluggish.
She'd found the Phantom's disembodied voice chilling. She'd tried to move her head, trying to strain her eyes towards the sound but had initially not been able to turn her neck. There was so much whirling around in her mind… every memory of everything that had happened in the last 24 hours. She didn't want to think about it but couldn't stop the images flashing across her mind.
She didn't want to stay awake and think about it, but she didn't want to sleep either.
Gibbs glanced at the clock… a little after 3am which meant they'd had a little over 5 hours sleep, which was often more than either of them could manage when they were on a tough case. But she needed more than that if she could manage it… much more.
"Try and sleep, Abbs." He was softly insistent.
"Not sure I want to go back to sleep, Gibbs." Her voice sounded small and uncertain.
"You need rest." Tomorrow would be another long day. After the debrief at the office, they still had a flight before he could get her home, back in familiar surroundings.
"Don't want to have a nightmare again." His felt his throat tighten at the fear in her voice.
She wouldn't thank him for meaningless reassurances. The only thing he could do was promise he'd be there to share whatever was coming. "I know. I'll be here if you do. I'll always be here."
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