Chapter 6 â€" Reflection
Gibbs settled into the passenger seat of Fornell's car, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. He felt the tension of the past few hours finally start to drain away, leaving him utterly drained. His stomach churned and his nerves were jittery as the effect of the adrenalin coursing through his body still made itself felt.
The memory of what Abby had endured continued to roll through his head, in all too vivid technicolor. He was sure that the horror of every image would be carved onto his mind till the day he died. And that was just what they'd been witness to via the video feed.
Until he saw Abby again, he had no way of knowing what else she'd suffered in the hours before Eric had tapped into the live recording. And she'd gone through it all while he wasn't there to either help her or comfort her.
He felt he'd failed in what he'd promised her years ago â€" to keep her safe from harm, and he knew that the guilt of that would stay with him for a long time to come.
In one sense, Gibbs had been grateful that his team and Tobias were there with him while they watched Abby's ordeal. Their silent support and presence always made a difference, even if he never acknowledged it. But the intensely private part of him couldn't help wishing that he'd been alone.
He hated having witnesses whenever he felt weak, even if they were his closest friends.
If he'd been alone, he wouldn't have had to steal himself to keep his feelings hidden, or try to appear strong in front of his team when all he wanted to do was let his rage loose.
It was going to be a long morning till his plane took off and would no doubt feel like an even longer flight but before the day was out, he'd be reunited with her. He just wanted to wrap his arms around her and never let go.
Then he could see for himself how she was coping and how injured she was… although he suspected a lot of her scars would now be mental ones, and those were the ones that worried him most of all. At the moment, he had no idea how best to help her and knew that he'd need to spend time with Ducky when they got back from LA to try and understand what Abby would need from him. In the meantime, he'd just have to work off what he did best… his gut and his instincts.
As he drove, Fornell glanced over at his friend, pleased to see that at least Gibbs looked to be resting, but he could still see his shoulders were held rigidly and his face was drawn and tired. Fornell felt some of the residual tension ease from his own shoulders as he navigated the DC traffic, heading for the airport. He was unlikely to forget the images he'd seen of his young friend in danger.
If Abby had died tonight, he shuddered to think of the effect that would have had on Gibbs. He doubted whether his friend would survive such a blow.
Over the years, Fornell had also grown close to Abby and considered her a good friend. Under the guise of supposedly trying to tempt her away to work for the FBI, something he'd been ordered to do by his Director, he'd first taken Abby out to dinner years ago. From that first 'date', they'd started an unlikely friendship which had grown closer over the years.
He knew from that first year that he had no chance of succeeding in tempting her away to the FBI's lab. She'd listened to his offer, which was far more than NCIS were paying her, politely thanked him for dinner but told him in no uncertain terms that she was never leaving NCIS. He vividly remembered her cheeky, stunning smile as she'd followed that up by declaring that her refusal didn't necessarily mean that either of them couldn't dress up and enjoy a slap up meal each year anyway… with the FBI paying.
Fornell had realized within a year or so that the real reason she wouldn't leave was a certain silver-haired senior agent, but he kept his thoughts to himself and just watched from afar as his two friends danced around each other. Many a time he'd been tempted to head slap the Marine for being so dense and hesitating when Fornell could see that happiness was within the grasp of both of them.
So each year he took the opportunity to take Abby out to dinner on the FBI's dime, mostly to places that neither of them could have afforded on their own. It had turned into a yearly treat for both of them.
He enjoyed her company, and they always had a fun evening, chatting easily on a variety of topics. After all, he was never one to turn down turning up at a fancy restaurant with a beautiful woman on his arm, although he was careful to ascertain Gibbs' whereabouts on the night beforehand. Fornell had a well developed sense of self preservation and felt it was best to avoid stirring up Gibbs' possessive and territorial nature unnecessarily.
He'd also found it helpful to talk about his daughter with a female friend who was outside his own agency. Abby was sympathetic to his problems of being a part time father, especially with an ex-wife who always seemed to delight in making things difficult for him with Emily. He knew he could rely on Abby's discretion. She brought a fresh perspective to a lot of things and wasn't afraid to tell him a few home truths if she needed to.
His daughter had formed an instant bond with Abby from the moment they'd met. Abby had volunteered to help Emily with a school science project when he'd casually mentioned it, and the two had since developed a firm friendship. Both he and Emily often went bowling with Abby… and the nuns.
Emily considered Abby to be the coolest honorary aunt she had. Sooner or later, he was sure she'd be asking her mother if she could have a tat… and Fornell wasn't looking forward to the fall-out from that conversation. But as a role model, he couldn't wish for better for his daughter, even one with what could only be called Abby's unique style.
As the car pulled off the highway, Gibbs stirred and looked at his surroundings more closely as they pulled into the parking lot of a diner.
"You forget the way to the airport, Tobias?"
"Nope, I'm buying you breakfast," he replied, knowing he'd have an argument on his hands.
Gibbs didn't move. "There isn't time for that."
"There's plenty of time, Jethro. It's more than two hours till the flight takes off. What are you gonna do at the airport while you wait? Wear another hole in the floor?" Gibbs just shot him a look and didn't reply.
"Despite what you think, you can't function only on coffee. Although come to think of it, you haven't even had coffee for a few hours so you'll be going cold turkey any minute now." Fornell got out of the car, determined to head in for his own breakfast even if Gibbs persisted in sulking in the car.
"Not hungry, Tobias."
Gibbs' voice sounded beyond exhausted, which made Fornell soften his tone as he leaned down to look across to the passenger side. "Look, Abby's going to need you, so you need fuel for that gut of yours. You can't help her if you're exhausted. Besides, I'm starving. Come on, old man, I'm paying."
Glaring at Fornell's back as he walked into the diner, he nevertheless acknowledged that his friend was right.
He'd be no good to Abby in his current state. He wanted to be sure he could concentrate fully on caring for her, helping her in whatever way she needed and he couldn't do that if he could barely keep his eyes open.
Gibbs followed Fornell into the diner and after ordering, they sat quietly as they waited for their food to arrive, both sipping their first coffee in several hours.
As the caffeine flooded through his system, Gibbs started to feel more alert. When the food arrived, he tucked in, hungrier than he cared to admit and he gave his friend a grateful nod. They ate in a companionable silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts.
Eventually, Fornell decided that now Gibbs was mainlining coffee again, it would be a good time to tackle him about the topic at the forefront of his mind. At the very least Gibbs couldn't very well off him in front of witnesses.
"So has this scare finally convinced you to get your head out of your ass and tell Abby how you feel?" he ventured.
Gibbs looked up from his plate, glaring. "None of your business, Tobias."
"It is my business when I see two friends holding back when they could be happy." Fornell was determined this was one conversation Gibbs wasn't going to retreat from, even if he had to provoke him to react.
"You don't know how Abby feels," Gibbs neatly sidestepped the subject of his own feelings.
"Huh, I would have thought signing I love you and crying your name as she's facing her own death would have given even you a slight clue," scoffed Fornell. Gibbs froze as he realized that he hadn't been the only one to catch that last frantic signed message.
"Didn't know you could read sign, Tobias?" still Gibbs evaded the question.
Fornell shrugged. "Abby taught Emily a few signs, including I love you so she could surprise me one birthday."
Gibbs felt a smile threaten to break out at the typical Abby gesture.
Seeing is friend's face soften, Fornell continued. "Then Abby taught me a few signs so I could talk to Emily sometimes, and without her mother knowing what I was saying. It just felt special to have something private that no one but me and Emily could understand."
"I'll have to try her out on a few phrases next time I see her." Gibbs adored Fornell's daughter, and the feeling was mutual. He knew he didn't see her as often as he should.
"Stop avoiding the question, Jethro." Fornell's quiet voice brought his attention back after a few moments of silence.
"The signing may not have been directed at me," shrugged Gibbs, unwilling to air his feelings in public, even with his close friend.
"Now you're just deluding yourself." Fornell started to let his irritation show through. Abby had never talked openly about her feelings for Gibbs, but Fornell guessed that she would never be the one to make the first move, presumably for fear of rejection or Gibbs quoting that damn Rule 12.
He continued, pressing home his argument. "Why do you think she's never left NCIS, huh? It's hardly for the modern lab, huge salary and up to date equipment they give her. We both know she could have whatever she wants in a private lab, or working for one of the other alphabet soups further up the food chain."
Gibbs' protest sounded weak, even to his own ears. "She feels happy here… she thinks of everyone as her family."
"That's not the real reason and deep down, you know it, Jethro. If I had a beautiful woman like that interested in me, I wouldn't have let the situation drift for as long as you've done."
Gibbs shook his head. "It's not that simple, Tobias."
"Yes, it is. It's just in your nature to make things unnecessarily complicated." Fornell leaned across the table, trying to get his point across before Gibbs' temper blew and he stopped listening. "Look, if seeing her nearly die in front of you isn't enough, Jethro, I don't know what it would take to convince you."
Gibbs looked down at his coffee, sighing. "Okay, Tobias. I get it."
"Then do something about it… before G. Callen snatches her away from under your nose."
Ah, that got a reaction, thought Fornell as Gibbs head snapped up, his eyes narrowed. So he had seen how the LA agent had held Abby and how she'd clung to him. "It may be a clichĂ©, Jethro, but it's true â€" life is too damn short."
Eventually he heard Gibbs' quiet reply. "Yeah, I know, Tobias."
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As they finished the drive to the airport, Gibbs was silent and Fornell wondered if he'd gone too far.
He hadn't meant to be so harsh to his friend after the hell he'd gone through this morning, but he figured that if he gave Gibbs enough time, he'd retreat behind his emotional brick wall again, as he usually did. Fornell feared that by the time Gibbs arrived in LA, he'd have convinced himself that it would be in Abby's best interests not to make a move, or start doubting all over again that she shared his feelings.
The man was that damn stubborn.
At the very least, he hoped he'd pissed him off enough to make Gibbs think.
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As the plane finally took off for LA, Gibbs settled back in his seat, grateful for both the time to think and perhaps sleep a little. He was loathe to admit it to either his team or Fornell but the interrupted night's sleep, plus the tremendous strain of the past few hours had left him feeling physically and emotionally wrung out.
He'd spent the last few hours riding an adrenalin 'fight or flight' rush that had had nowhere to go.
The last time Abby had been threatened… the last time she nearly died in front of him was during the case with the 'killer' car that had trapped her inside and she'd nearly died from carbon monoxide poisoning. But at least then he'd been there so he'd been able to convert that adrenalin rush into something more concrete as he tried to get her out.
There too it had just been in the nick of time.
Because of McGee's inattention, he'd nearly lost her that day… and still he'd held back on telling her what she meant to him, and that was three years ago. Three years wasted… because he was an emotional coward.
Whatever he'd said to Tobias, or refused to say, he had no illusions any more about the strength of his feelings for Abby.
He loved her.
He could no longer try and kid himself. He just hoped he'd have the courage to tell her how he felt when he saw her… and hoped he wouldn't make too much of a fool of himself or jeopardize their friendship if he was wrong about her feelings.
He thought back to those last moments and her signing, coupled with her desperate cry of his name.
Did she really feel that way? Did Abby really love him or was it just the heat of the moment? She told him she loved him all the time, usually in the lab or in circumstances where she could laugh it off as friendship. But did she mean it as more than that?
Abbs was the most important person in his life. His Abbs… as he always thought of her, even though he had no right to.
She'd stuck by him through everything over the past ten years. She supported him without judgment. She cared for him without demands. She offered him friendship without expectation.
He'd always had the urge to protect her. Gibbs couldn't place the moment when it had morphed into something more than friendship for him. More it had crept up on him gradually until he couldn't imagine his life without her.
Seeing the image in his mind of Callen cradling Abby gently in his arms and of Abby in turn clinging tightly to his friend, Gibbs just hoped that he hadn't left it too late to tell her.
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