Secret Part 3: Reassurance
(Author's Note: Warning for some Hate Speech in this section)
After the accident which resulted in Tony breaking his arm, he felt vulnerable and unsure of himself, which was out of character for Gibbs’ younger lover. Gibbs, who was concerned about Tony’s mental state, spoke with Director Vance the day after Tony broke his arm, and the director had suggested that his team be put on cold cases and Gibbs take the time off to stay with Tony while his arm healed up.
“I’ve been thinking about retiring,” Gibbs told his boss.
“I know you have Jethro,” Vance replied, “but frankly speaking, I think you working is the only thing that is keeping you sane.”
“What do you mean by that,” Gibbs growled.
“I mean that Tony’s care requires a lot of time and energy. It’s difficult for one person to take that on by himself--even you. Staying at home with DiNozzo full time would take away what independence he has and would leave you with no release. I’m not saying you can’t handle staying with DiNozzo, Agent Gibbs. I’m saying that even you need a break sometimes. Work is your break. Plus, I’m not ready to offer McGee a Team Leader position just yet.”
“McGee would make a fine team leader,” Gibbs argued.
“He would, but if he stays with you for a while longer, he’ll make an even better one. Trust me on this Gibbs. Take the time off you need while DiNozzo’s arm heals up, but once it’s better do both of you a favor and go back to your normal routine.”
Today would be their first day back. Gibbs awoke early and got himself ready and got everything set up that he would need to help Tony get ready. The cast had come off his arm a few days ago, taking a bit longer than normal to heal up. The doctor assured Gibbs that this was nothing to be concerned about; Tony’s condition had made many changes to his body, including taking longer to heal up from injuries.
They were moving past that now though. Things were going to get back to normal, and though he’d never admit it to the NCIS Director, Gibbs agreed with Vance. He loved Tony and would gladly stay with him all day every day if that was what Tony truly needed, but Gibbs knew that Tony enjoyed going to the center. He had friends there, people he could relate to, and he had his own routine. He liked his independence and he liked that Gibbs hadn’t given up his whole life to stay with him.
The accident had shaken Tony badly, stirring up memories of the attack that had left him with both physical and mental disabilities. He’d had nightmares, his speech had reverted back to single word answers for several weeks, his skills had diminished to some degree. Gibbs knew that it was partly because Tony was scared, and partly because Tony was depressed. He’d started improving again though, and Gibbs also knew that the best way to help him was to give Tony his life back. Tony would fight him at first, leaving him today would be terribly difficult, but they had visited the center several times during Tony’s convalescence; Gibbs had left him there on several short occasions just to keep him in the habit while he ran errands--grocery story, pharmacy, cleaners--but he always returned within a couple of hours to get Tony.
Gibbs took a deep breath and steeled himself. This would be hard. It was hard for Gibbs, tough as nails Marine, to see his lover like this, harder still for him to walk away when Tony cried and begged him not to go. It made him feel more like a bastard than anything else he ever did. He knew it was best for Tony, but he hated himself for having to leave him.
Gibbs crawled up on the bed where Tony still lay sleeping peacefully. That was one thing that had not changed with the attack. Tony slept like a brick, always had, Gibbs figured he always would. A marching band wouldn’t wake his lover up. Gibbs touched Tony’s shoulder gently, softly calling his name as he drew his body nearer to the other man.
“Tony? Come on baby, it’s time to wake up. You get to go to the center today, c’mon.”
It took a few minutes but Tony eventually blinked his eyes open, face breaking into the same smile he gave Gibbs every morning when he saw him. Gibbs smiled back.
“There’s my boy. C’mon I know you want to sleep, but it’s time to wake up. We’ve got a big day today.”
Tony nodded and rolled to his back. He yawned deeply and rubbed his eyes like a sleepy toddler.
“G-go p-play t-today,” he stumbled out. Sometimes in the mornings it was difficult for Tony to start speaking. Once he got good and awake though, he spoke with less difficulty.
That was how Tony referred to going to the center--going to play--and Gibbs didn’t correct him. He knew the caregivers at the center made sure their patients had lots of activities to choose from and things to keep them busy. Each patient there was also given their own room--even day patients--so that if someone needed to take a break or go lie down they would have a private, quiet place to do that. That was one of the qualities that drew Gibbs into the center in the first place--Tony would have a safe place to stay where he didn’t need to worry about him, in case he got called away on a case for an extended period of time.
“That’s right Tony, you’re going to go play today,” Gibbs assured him. “You still have your room there, so if you need to take a rest you can. Right?”
Tony nodded and pulled his t-shirt off. Gibbs smiled. That was a new skill that Tony and his occupational therapist had been working on for some time now. Gibbs was so proud of each new skill that Tony mastered. He knew that his lover would never go back to being the way he was, but he also knew that Tony’s will had not been damaged and that his lover would regain as much of his normal life and independence as he was capable of. Tony had not disappointed him.
Tony and Gibbs had mornings down to a fine science. Gibbs knew what Tony knew how to do and expected Tony to do what he could for himself, while Gibbs was there to assist as needed. Tony could put on his own shirt--though he still needed help with buttons, comb his own hair, brush his own teeth and feed himself. He was getting better at operating the motorized wheelchair that he had been fitted for, and Gibbs was so proud of him. He knew how hard Tony worked to meet his goals, and he knew that some days Tony was very frustrated with his new challenges. Gibbs couldn’t help but smile each time Tony achieved a new goal.
Gibbs joined Tony in the bathroom after he’d finished making up the bed. Tony’s newest goal was learning to operate the electric razor to give himself a shave in the mornings. Gibbs had carefully selected a razor that wouldn’t be able to cut Tony and with the help of the occupational therapist, Gibbs was teaching Tony how to use it. He smiled at his boy in the mirror.
“That’s a good job Tony. You look like a million bucks.”
Tony smiled and laughed softly. “S-silly Jehh-throww,” he said. “Toh-neee…look like…twooo m-millionnn b-buckssssss.”
Gibbs laughed. “You’re right,” he said, and he bent down over Tony’s chair, putting his face close to Tony’s, nuzzling the whisker-free skin softly. “You’re sexy as hell and I love you so much,” Gibbs said softly.
Tony smiled and blushed. “Toh-neee lov-vees Jehh-throww…t-tooooo,” he whispered.
Gibbs gave him a quick kiss and then turned back to the sink. “Look at you distracting me. Made me forget that I came in here to brush my teeth,” Gibbs chuckled at Tony.
Tony rolled his eyes good naturedly. “Re-remind b-bosssss,” he said, staring up at his lover while Gibbs scrubbed his teeth, “m-morning c-coffeeee breat-th is yuck,” Tony spoke, his eyes twinkling.
“Yeah, yeah, and last night’s pizza breath is a lot better I gather,” Gibbs commented mildly, silently thankful that they hadn’t lost their ability to banter with one another.
Tony’s hands rose in their slow clap that showed Gibbs how delighted Tony was in their banter as well. He smiled. “C’mon lover boy,” he said ruffling Tony’s hair affectionately. He stepped out of the bathroom and a moment later, Tony followed him.
xxx
The instant they entered the building, Gibbs’ gut lit up with a nervous feeling. He tried to tell himself that it was only because Tony was returning to the center and he wouldn’t be with Gibbs all the time. Gibbs didn’t believe himself, and neither did his gut.
“Hey Tony,” John, the desk attendant called out.
Tony smiled and held up his free hand in a wave, still operating his wheelchair with the other. Gibbs was so proud of the way he’d picked up that skill. They’d fitted Tony for the new chair before he broke his arm, and while they were out on leave it had arrived and been delivered by Tony’s physical and occupational therapists. They worked with him on sitting up in it, taught Gibbs how to get him safely in and out of it and how the straps worked, and they taught Tony how to use the controls and the joystick to steer it. Gibbs could still push it if needed, if they were going up a very steep hill or if Tony was too tired to operate it, but for the most part, Gibbs let Tony move himself around and was content to walk beside him.
“Agent Gibbs, do you have just a second,” John called to him as they moved past the desk.
Gibbs stopped and he noticed Tony did too. Gibbs nodded at Tony, “You don’t have to wait for me if you don’t want to. I’ll come find you before I leave.”
Tony nodded once, smiled, and was on his way. Gibbs turned back to John.
“What’s up John,” he asked.
“Well I wanted to let you know before you got back there that Tony has a visitor.”
“A visitor? Who? Why would anyone be here to see him this early; we’re earlier than we usually are.”
“I know…apparently Tony’s dad is here for a visit. He said he spoke with the director at NCIS and was told that Tony would be returning today. He’s waiting for him,” John said.
Gibbs’ eyes darkened. He remembered the way that Tony’s father had been reluctant to show up after Tony’s accident, recalled the way he’d faked his way through the press release stating that “he would do everything physically, spiritually and monetarily possible to support his son through his ordeal,” before he’d dropped off the face of the earth without even saying goodbye to Tony.
Tony had still been so confused during that time, unable to recognize most people, barely able to speak, still confined to the bed and unable to do anything for himself…Gibbs wondered if Tony even remembered his father and the way his father had always treated him…
He blinked back to the present and looked at John. “Do me a favor? Have security on standby close by,” Gibbs said. “This man is quite unpredictable.”
“He’s not dangerous, is he?”
Gibbs put his hand on his gun. “Not if he’s smart,” he said threateningly. “I wouldn’t put it past him to shoot his mouth off though.”
John nodded and picked up the phone. “He’s in the sunroom, Gibbs,” John called after him.
Gibbs bit back his groan. He knew that would be the first place Tony would head for--it was his favorite spot in the whole center, because he could literally sit and soak in the sun all day long.
Gibbs rushed down the hall, hoping to find Tony before Senior did, wondering the whole time why Tony’s father had suddenly showed back up.
xxx
Gibbs found Tony in the sunroom, completely oblivious to the man sitting on the couch watching him. Tony was staring out the window, waving at the birds as they flew around the bird feeder, smiling in delight, trying to take it all in at once.
Anthony DiNozzo Senior was sitting across the room, staring in horror at the man in the wheelchair. He’d called Tony’s name a few times, not knowing that Tony had no idea who ‘Anthony’ was. Ever since he’d awakened he’d been “Toh-neee.” That was how he referred to himself, and that was how everyone else referred to him too. Senior couldn’t understand why his son was ignoring him.
“Senior,” Gibbs greeted the man coolly, wanting to get information, but knowing that alienating the man first thing wouldn’t accomplish that.
“Well, well, if it isn’t Agent Gibbs,” Senior sneered at him. Gibbs’ lips set into a firm line, but he didn’t take the bait. He refused to give this man the emotional response he was looking for.
“Hello,” Gibbs said placidly. “Haven’t seen you in a while,” he commented, taking a seat on the chair nearest Tony. “What are you doing here?”
“B-bossss! He-Heyyyyyyyy b-bosssss,” Tony greeted Gibbs as though he hadn’t just left him five minutes prior.
“Hey Tony,” Gibbs said gently. “I see you found your way to the sunroom all by yourself.”
Tony nodded and smiled, proud of himself. Gibbs couldn’t help but return the smile.
“Toh-neee…d-drive!”
Gibbs chuckled. “You’re quite the speedster in your chair now, aren’t you? Don’t need me anymore?”
Tony’s smile disappeared. “Al-always n-needddddd Jehhhh-throw,” Tony said softly. “Toh-neeee s-safeee…Jehhh-throwww.”
“You are safe with me, Tony. That’s right. I just meant that you can do more things by yourself now. You don’t need my help as much.”
Tony smiled and nodded. He pointed slowly to himself. “Toh-neee….b-biggg boyyyy,” he said.
Gibbs smiled. “That’s right Tony.” He turned his gaze back to the man still seated across the room. Gibbs took in Senior’s horrified expression, the way he stayed far away from Tony as though he would catch whatever was “wrong” with Tony, and he couldn’t help himself.
“You could move closer, Senior,” Gibbs said sweetly. “He won’t bite you.” Senior looked uneasy. Gibbs continued. “And you didn’t answer my question.”
Senior tugged at his collar. “I hadn’t received the check for the life insurance policy on Anthony, so I thought I would come investigate myself. I spoke with your Director. He assured me that Anthony was still alive and that I could find him here. I should have known that you would tuck him away into some asylum, Agent Gibbs.”
“You won’t be collecting any money on Tony’s death when it does happen. As you can see here, though, Tony is just fine--alive and well. And he isn’t tucked away in some asylum here; he’s very happy here during the day and he goes home every night. You were the one who wanted to put him into a facility,” Gibbs said, emphasizing the negativity he felt about Senior’s suggestion to put Tony away into a private care facility somewhere far away from everything and everyone.
“I was merely suggesting what I thought would be most ideal,” Senior retorted.
“Most ideal for you. Do you have any idea how much Tony has accomplished here,” Gibbs asked.
“Doesn’t look to me like he can do much of anything,” Senior snapped. “He’s still the helpless fucking retard that he was! Look at him, he’s waving at goddamned birds for Christ sakes and you’re telling me that he’s doing fucking better?! He’s a stupid, drooling, ignorant cripple! How can you stand to even look at him?! Let alone touch him or even speak to him! He’s completely retarded--this…this THING is not my son! My son is dead!”
Gibbs’ eyes darkened and he thought he would murder Senior. He also thought it would be justified. It was then that Gibbs noticed how still Tony had gotten. He hadn’t moved his chair, but Gibbs saw that his head was bowed and his eyes were closed. Gibbs knew that he needed to reach out to Tony now. He knew it was more important than arguing with Senior. He ignored Tony’s father and dropped to his knees in front of Tony, ignoring the creak of his bones as he did so. He gently cupped Tony’s face in both of his hands and lifted his head so their gazes met.
Tony had been continuously happy for the most part since he’d awakened after the accident. Now Gibbs saw a bone deep weariness, a great sadness drooping his posture. Tony didn’t understand who this person was or why they were saying such terrible things. But Tony’s ability to comprehend language had never been damaged--he knew exactly what the words meant and he knew they were spoken about him. He just couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong.
“Tony, can you open your eyes for me,” Gibbs asked softly. He stroked his thumb slowly across Tony’s smooth cheek, catching a tear that had leaked out from under the closed eyelid.
Tony shook his head. No he didn’t want to open his eyes. He didn’t want to face this person who had said such terrible things to him.
“Tony look at me. C’mon it’s Gibbs; open your eyes for me. You can’t see him turned this way,” Gibbs said softly.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Tony’s eyes cracked open and cracked Gibbs’ heart with them. The expressive green eyes were filled with despair and sadness. One of Tony’s greatest fears had always been the fear of rejection, and it seemed as though this had affected Tony on a deep level.
“He’s just a stupid bastard who doesn’t know what he’s talking about Tony,” Gibbs said, running one hand through Tony’s hair, the other still gently cupping his lover’s cheek. “I know how special you are, how strong you are. You are a survivor, you’re smart, you’re funny, and you’re still the same person you were before all of this happened. I love you so much, and I don’t believe a word that man said, alright?”
“Toh-neee d-do b-badd?”
“No sweetheart, you didn’t do anything bad. You didn’t do anything to make him treat you like this. He’s just a mean old bastard and you don’t need to worry about him.”
“P-puh-promisssse?”
Gibbs pressed a kiss to Tony’s forehead. “I promise. I’m going to step out for just a moment alright, but I’m going to take the mean man with me. He won’t hurt you again. I promise Tony.”
Tony nodded, and kept his eyes on his lap.
Gibbs stood up and grabbed Senior by the lapels on his jacket, forcefully propelling him out of the room. “Now you listen to me you sorry sack of shit. That is your fucking son in there and if you can’t treat him with respect then you have no place here. This place is designed to make these people’s lives better and if you can’t do that for him, if you aren’t here to be a part of his recovery, if you are here only to make him feel bad and question the progress he’s made then you have no place here. We clear?”
Senior knocked Gibbs’ hands from his jacket and smoothed it carefully. “You arrogant bastard. You can’t take away my right to see my son.”
“As his medical proxy and power of attorney I most certainly can.” Out of the corner of his eye, Gibbs could see the security guards approaching.
“Is there a problem here Agent Gibbs?”
Gibbs nodded. “This man verbally abused my partner. I want him out of here and I want it on the books that he is NEVER to be let back in here--ever. This is a safe haven for Tony and I will not have that damaged.”
The security guards started to lead Senior away but the man balked. “I have one question to ask you, Agent Gibbs.”
Gibbs narrowed his eyes and waited for it, knowing it would be a low blow. “I’m listening.”
Senior smiled a cold, evil smile. He looked so much like Tony, but it was impossible to imagine Tony ever having this expression of hatred on his face. “Why did you do it? Why did you keep him alive? You could have pulled the plug--spared him of all of this--why did you keep him alive? Are you so selfish that you couldn’t let him die and rest in peace?”
“Get him out of here,” Gibbs said, turning away from Senior. He took several deep breaths to calm himself down before he returned to Tony’s side in the sunroom.
“Hey…you okay,” he asked softly, rubbing his fingers over Tony’s shoulders as he moved to sit in front of him.
Tony lifted his gaze from his lap and looked up at Gibbs. “B-badd mannnnn go?”
“He’s gone Tony. He won’t bother you ever again. And you can forget all about those terrible things he said because none of it is true, alright?”
“Toh-neee he-hear wh-what b-badd mannnn…sayyyy Jehh-throwww.”
“You heard what he said to me in the hallway?”
Tony nodded. Gibbs closed his eyes. When he opened them, Tony was staring at him. “Wh-whyyy Jehh-throwww sa-save Toh-neee?”
Gibbs felt his breath catch on the lump in his throat. Tony had never questioned why Gibbs had refused to take him off the life support that kept him alive until he was strong enough to do it on his own. He reached out and he cupped Tony’s face in his hands again and he kissed him softly, sweetly, and a little bit desperately.
“I saved you because I love you. Because I thought that you would rather live than die. I saved you so we could be together longer. I saved you because I love you,” he repeated, “I just love you so much,” Gibbs said quietly, tears breaking his voice and streaming down his face. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you dying because I said it was okay. I’ll never say that,” Gibbs said. “Not unless you tell me that’s what you want, and you hadn’t done that.”
Tony was quiet for a moment, taking in what Gibbs had said, reconciling it against the words the mean man had spoken, trying to make sense of it all.
“B-badd mann go?”
“He’s gone Tony. He’s gone and his mean words went with him. You’re nothing like he said. You’re so amazing and I am so proud of you--every day you surprise me. I love you.”
“Toh-neee kn-knoww b-badd mannn?”
Gibbs knew that this was an important step in Tony’s recovery. He didn’t recognize the man who’d caused him years of turmoil and heartache--that memory had apparently been lost with the attack.
It may affect his memory.
Gibbs considered his partner. Tony was so happy and innocent and beautiful and everyone in his world loved him and was glad he was alive. Why put a dark spot on that? Tony didn’t remember Senior, why should Gibbs give that painful memory back to him when it would only hurt him?
Gibbs smiled sadly at Tony and decided not to lie to him. “He’s someone from your past Tony. He never did anything but hurt you. He has no place here now; he has no place in your future. He’s gone, and he won’t ever hurt you again.”
Tony considered this for a few moments then nodded his head. “B-badd mann go.”
“He’s gone.”
After a few moments of simply sitting together silently, Tony looked up at Jethro and smiled.
“Jehhh-throwwww g-goo work! Toh-neee g-go pl-pl-plaaaayyyyy. Ha, ha,” Tony said in a taunting, sing-song voice.
Gibbs laughed and ruffled Tony’s hair. “Yes Tony, if you are alright I do need to go to work.”
“B-badd mann go. N-nooo c-com-e hu-rt Toh-neee n-nooo m-morreee.”
“That’s right Tony. He’s gone and he’s not going to hurt you anymore. You’re safe here and with me.”
Jethro stood, but before he left he bent down and he kissed Tony, long and hard. Tony smiled and returned the kiss as much as he was able, but he was no match for Gibbs’ probing tongue.
Gibbs was speechless as he stood back up, amazed by the powerful kiss Tony had given him. It almost reminded him of…he shook it off and smiled.
“I really have to go now Tony. You’re ok?”
Tony nodded. “Toh-neee…kay…”
“Alright. Gotta go, DiNozzo,” Jethro said, pulling his keys out of his pocket.
“O-onnn y-yourrrrrrr s-sixxxxxxxx B-Bossss!” The grin was back, huge and toothy and Gibbs knew Tony would be alright.
Gibbs smiled as he left. It was going to turn out to be a good day after all.
TBC.
Chapter End Notes:
Warning: Some hate speech in this chapter.