Chapter 20: Breaking Free
Six Months Later…
“Tony? Babe are you here?” Jethro quietly shut the door behind him and set his briefcase down next to the door. It was just after 4:30pm, early for him to be home. Gibbs had let them off early though; he missed his lover. He needed to check on him.
Tony had taken the day off to go to the final doctor appointments needed to clear him for full active duty. After spending months in physical therapy and counseling, Tony had improved by leaps and bounds.
Some days he didn’t even jump when Jethro came up behind him.
Jethro stepped through the house, not being particularly quiet, and called for Tony again. For a moment his gut twitched and Gibbs wondered if something was wrong. He searched the house thoroughly, the basement, the den, the bedrooms, the porch out back…but Tony wasn’t there.
Convinced that he was missing something, Gibbs pulled out his cell phone. Dialing Tony’s number on the speed dial, Gibbs lifted the phone to his ear and listened.
*Hi you’ve reached Anthony DiNozzo, Very Special Agent with NCIS. I’m unable to take your call; if you’ll leave your name, number, and a message I’ll be glad to call you back. Have a nice day! BEEP!*
“Tony? Babe where are you? Call me and let me know what the doctor said. I love you.”
Gibbs snapped his phone shut and a second later reopened it and hit another speed dial.
“Abby’s labby! What’s up Bossman?”
“Abs trace Tony’s cell for me. I can’t find him.”
“Oooh is he hiding?”
“If he is, he’d better hope I don’t find him.”
“Gimme one second Gibbs and I’ll…oh.”
“What do you mean ‘OH’?!”
“I mean I’m looking at the triangulated coordinates where Tony’s phone is located.”
“And…?”
“And you were right. Tony’d better hope you don’t find him.”
“Just tell me where the hell he is, Abby.”
“You’re not gonna like it Gibbs…”
xxx
Tony drove the rental car through the streets of Dayton, Ohio, making turns as the GPS instructed and following the little mechanical voice that would direct him to his destination. He was due to return to work on Monday, so he had Friday and the weekend off. Well. He’d have Friday off once he called NCIS to let them know he’d be out tomorrow.
*Turn left in. 100 yards.* The mechanical voice said pleasantly, it’s robotic tone was almost soothing to the driver.
Tony put on his turn signal and turned into the cemetery.
Xxx
“How the hell did he manage to get that far away without me knowing it? Good God what time did he fly out?!”
“Um…according to his credit card report, he caught a 1:30 flight,” Abby said.
Gibbs was in the car racing toward the airport. Abby had managed to book Gibbs on a flight to Dayton, but it was going to be close timing. Tony had obviously caught a flight directly after his doctor appointments.
“Gibbs why would he go back there? Declan’s been dead for--”
“Six months Abby,” Gibbs said. “Tony probably needed some closure. He didn’t get to go to the funeral because he was in the hospital. And I told him…Christ I told him he could go to Ohio before he comes back to work if he needed it.”
*Flashback: Six Months Earlier*
“But Jethro--dammit Gibbs! I need to go to the funeral--you know I need to do this!”
“I know you do Tony, but you’re in no shape to fly! You still can’t put any weight on your legs, and your arm is in a sling, and you’re still recovering from a dislocated jaw. Please honey--I know you want to do this, but now isn’t the time. You just aren’t up to the trip.”
“Jethro you don’t understand! He was my…my…” Tony closed his eyes and looked away, shame marking his features. He hated himself for his weakness, for wanting to go to Ohio. “I just need to go,” he whispered.
“And there will be time for you to make the trip to Ohio before you come back to work,” Gibbs said softly, pulling Tony close. “For now though…Tony please…just rest some…get back on your feet. Please?”
Tony nodded silently, but his lips were in a firm line and his eyes were glassy. He turned over on his uninjured side and faced away from Gibbs. He’d stay, but that didn’t mean he’d be happy about it…
*End Flashback*
“Well he didn’t have to go by himself,” Abby was saying into Gibbs’ ear. “He could have taken one--or all--of us with him! He should know by now that he can trust us and that he can ask for help with--”
“Gotta go Abs, I’m at the airport.” Gibbs snapped the phone shut in Abby’s ear, even before she could finish her sentence and he ran across the parking lot. He only had a backpack, so there was nothing for him to check--except his person--so he rushed straight for the security gate, boarding pass in hand.
A short time later, Gibbs was seated on the Boeing 747 and he hoped like hell that he wasn’t too late…he wasn’t sure what he’d be late for, but his gut was churning, and he didn’t like it.
Tony was alone with Declan, and even in death, Gibbs didn’t trust the bastard not to hurt his partner.
xxx
Tony didn’t need to stop at the gatehouse to get directions to his grave. He already knew where it was. He shuddered at the memory as he weaved his way through the roads surrounding the gravesites.
*Flashback: 4 Years Ago*
Declan had a vice-like grip on Tony’s arm as he dragged his partner through the cemetery. It was pouring rain and in the middle of winter with icy temperatures, but Declan was determined to make his point.
“Get over here you worthless sonofabitch,” Declan snapped, pulling Tony roughly towards a particular spot. They’d just moved to Baltimore, and after the debacle in Philadelphia, Declan wanted to make sure Tony understood what would happen to him if he ever got him into trouble with the police again. So he’d decided they needed to make a trip to Dayton.
Tony was wet and cold. He was nursing three broken ribs and had just had two crowns put on teeth that were broken when Tony’s mouth had a sudden impact with Declan’s fist. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he might have an infection on his arm that Declan had “accidentally” sliced with that dirty knife last weekend. He felt achy and feverish--what he wanted more than anything was to crawl in a warm bed…not that Declan let him sleep anywhere other than the floor these days…
Declan shoved Tony down on the wet ground. Tony landed hard on his hands and knees and stared at the muddy grass beneath him.
“Do you know what this is,” Declan sneered in his ear.
Tony shook his head. Declan hadn’t given him permission to speak so he didn’t say anything. He kept his eyes on the ground.
Declan suddenly grabbed Tony by the hair on the back of his head and shoved his face into the ground. “This,” he hissed, “this is where I’m going to bury your no good, worthless, lazy, unfaithful, fat ass when I kill you,” he said. I’m gonna put a wooden plaque over your grave and I’m gonna mark it ‘SLUT’ so everyone who sees it will know what you are for all eternity.”
Tony nodded. He could feel the cold rain running down the tip of his nose, but he still did not speak. The rain mixed well with the tears of pain and hurt streaming down his face, masking them and keeping him out of trouble.
“What do you say to that? What do you say to the person who bought you such a nice plot of dirt to plant your worthless self in? I spent more on this dirt than anyone would pay for a year of sex with your loose, cheating, fat ass.”
Tony shivered in the cold and the rain. “Th-thank you s-sir,” he murmured softly. Tony had no doubts that this spot, right here where he knelt, would be where he’d spend eternity. He figured it could be worse. “It’s a lovely spot, sir,” he whispered.
*End Flashback*
Tony parked his car at the bottom of the hill and sat there for a long time, watching as the rain splattered on the windshield of his rented car. He glanced up the hill towards the spot…he knew it well…it haunted his nightmares nearly every night now. For a moment he thought about driving away. But part of him knew he needed to do this. He needed to see the grave. Needed to see the stone and make peace with the fact that it was Declan in the grave and not him.
Tony had turned off his cell phone as he boarded the plane in DC that afternoon, and he hadn’t bothered to turn it back on. He knew Jethro was probably worried sick, but he just…couldn’t make that call yet. He needed to do this first. He’d call Jethro afterwards and let him know where he was.
Jethro would help him put the pieces of his life back together and make sense of it all.
Tony sat in the car for a long time.
xxx
It was after dark when Gibbs stepped out of the terminal and hailed a cab.
“Where ya headin’ pal,” the cabbie asked. He chomped loudly on a string of beef jerky and slurped on a soda from a fast food restaurant.
“Calvary Cemetery,” Gibbs said. “And I’ll double your fare if you can get me there in ten minutes or less.”
“Hold on man,” the cabbie said. “I’ll have ya there in seven and a half.”
In the back seat, Gibbs smiled. Hold on Tones, he thought to himself. I’m comin’ babe.
xxx
Tony didn’t know how long he sat in the car, but it was after dark when he finally worked up the nerve to approach Declan’s grave. He was surprised as how steady his gait was as he made his way slowly up the hill. In the rain, his joints still ached, and Dr. Corkran told him there was the possibility that he would always ache in the adverse weather.
“Guess that just gives me something to remember you by,” Tony muttered as he finally approached the grave.
There were nice flowers on the base of the stone and the grass was well trimmed and neat around it. Tony looked around at the other graves nearby and could see that they were not all in this condition. No, this must be the work of Declan’s mother and father. They doted on their son in life (not that he would let them) so it was not surprising that they doted on him now, even in death.
He thought about kneeling on the grave, to feel closer to him, but stopped himself. He was tired and thought briefly about sitting on the ground with his back against the large headstone, but decided that wasn’t a good idea either. In the end, he found himself standing at the foot of the grave, hands balled into tight fists, and his eyes staring hard at the letters inscribed on the stone there.
“Beloved Son.”
“Devoted Friend.”
Tony took a deep breath and looked around. He shivered as the rain ran down the back of his neck beneath his collar.
“Just so you know,” he whispered, almost conversationally into the growing darkness, “I never intended to kill you. And even despite all of the evil shit you did to me, there was still a small part of me that loved you. I couldn’t let you hurt Gibbs though. He’s my partner and I have his six always; even when it was against you. You hurt me for years, Declan. You beat me and burned me and tortured me. You belittled me and made me believe that I deserved everything you did. I didn’t care that you might hurt me, that you wanted to kill me for protecting Gibbs. I love him, and I would die to keep him safe.”
A quiet sound behind him had Tony spinning, his hand drawing his gun before he even realized he was on the move. “Who’s there? Come out!”
“Put the gun down Tony.”
“Jesus Gibbs! What the hell are you doing here? You scared the shit outta me!”
“I could ask you the same question. Why didn’t you answer your phone? I called you. Abby called you. Many, many times.”
Tony always felt like a cat lounging in a ray of warm sunshine when Gibbs looked at him. The older man was carefully checking him over, looking for any injuries--physical and emotional, and just checking him over in general. There was warmth in Gibbs’ intense gaze. Love.
“I had to come Gibbs. I had to. Before I go back on active duty. I had to let this go,” Tony said softly.
“And you couldn’t have just told me that? I was worried Tony. I thought something had happened.”
“I’m sorry I made you worry,” Tony said softly, a quiet desperation in his voice. “I just…I was afraid you wouldn’t let me come.”
Gibbs stepped closer and Tony reholstered his gun. “It’s alright Tony. I’m not angry,” he said softly. “And you know I don’t tell you where you can and can’t go unless I think it will honestly affect your health. You’re your own person; you get to do what you want when you want.” Tony nodded and turned back to the grave behind him.
“You can’t feel guilty about this,” Gibbs told Tony softly, resting a gentle hand cautiously on Tony’s shoulder. Tony was soaked and Gibbs could feel the light tremors and shivers just beneath the surface. He wondered how long Tony had been standing in the driving rain and he knew he needed to get them inside sooner rather than later.
“I don’t feel guilty,” Tony whispered. “I did what I had to do.”
“What do you mean Tony?”
Tony turned and stared at Gibbs. He kissed him softly. “I couldn’t let him hurt…” he broke off with a small shudder. “I love you,” he whispered. “I love you so much.” Tony wrapped his arms around Gibbs in a desperate hug.
Gibbs returned the embrace. “I love you too Sweetheart,” Gibbs murmured in his ear. “C’mon, let’s get out of here. Let’s go find a hotel.”
Tony nodded and Gibbs began to lead him away. He suddenly stopped and turned around, looking at the grave one last time. Tony slowly walked back up to it and stopped. Gibbs rejoined him at his side.
“He was going to bury me here,” Tony said. His knees felt suddenly wobbly and Gibbs wrapped an arm around his waist to hold him up, wondering again how long he’d been here and now curious about the last time his partner had eaten. “He told me he would bury me here.”
“He’s not going to bury you anywhere,” Gibbs reassured him. “He’s gone and you’re safe now. No one will ever hurt you like that again. I won’t let them.” Anger burned just below the surface, and Gibbs fought to keep it down, knowing that Tony would misinterpret its direction.
“Have a good sleep Declan,” Tony whispered. “I’ll see you in hell, you bastard.”
“No Tony,” Gibbs’ voice was soft in his ear. “No you won’t. Let’s go. Let him rest in peace now. Come on. It’s time to move on.”
This time Tony let Gibbs lead him away, and neither man looked back.
Xxx
Gibbs ushered Tony into the hotel room at the chain resort he’d found. It was one he was familiar with, one known for its comfort and quality. He knew that Tony would have a comfortable bed and a relaxing shower here. Tomorrow they would make a plan, but for tonight they only needed to clean up and sleep.
“You wanna go get cleaned up?”
Tony nodded but didn’t move. He was standing in the middle of the room, his shoulders were hunched, and he looked absolutely lost. Gibbs smiled sadly and moved to help him.
“Come on Tony. Get a shower,” he said softly, moving his lover toward the bathroom.
Suddenly Tony wrapped his arms around Gibbs’ neck and buried his face against his neck.
“It’s alright Tony,” Gibbs soothed gently when he felt Tony trembling against him. He rubbed his hands up and down Tony’s back. “I got you. Let’s get you cleaned up and then you can rest alright? Things will be better tomorrow.”
“Thank you,” Tony whispered. His words were muffled against Gibbs’ skin, but the older man heard them.
“Don’t thank me Tony,” Gibbs said. “I didn’t do anything.” He’d had his own fair share of guilt to deal with given this situation. He hadn’t shot Declan; he hadn’t protected his lover. He’d failed him.
Tony let Gibbs lead him into the shower and the older man left his partner alone to get clean and warm in the shower. Knowing that Tony would take a while in the shower, Gibbs took the towels and walked them down the hall to the laundry facilities. He put a quarter in the dryer and put the towels inside to warm them up.
Once he got back to the room, Gibbs put the now warmed towels on the counter in the bathroom and left Tony to his shower. Gibbs sank down onto the bed, folded his hands over his stomach, and closed his eyes. He knew Tony was…conflicted, about the events surrounding Declan O’Sullivan’s death. He understood it, respected it, but he wished he could help Tony move on from it. There had been a period of days directly following Tony’s release from the hospital when Gibbs feared his lover might not bounce back from Declan’s death.
*Flashback: Six Months Ago*
Thanks to the diligence of his team, and the leadership of Director Tom Morrow, Tony and Gibbs were able to return to Gibbs’ house by the time Tony was released from the hospital. Gibbs helped Tony from the car to the house, both of them silently remembering the last time they’d done this same thing.
“Do you want to go to the guest room?” Gibbs’ voice was toned low. He knew Tony was tired and hurting, and he didn’t want to do anything to make that worse.
Tony nodded his head from the wheelchair, his teeth worrying his bottom lip, his good hand fidgeting with the strap on the sling. Gibbs stopped the chair and walked around to Tony’s front and knelt before him.
“Talk to me babe,” Gibbs pleaded. “Don’t shut me out. I know this is hard for you.”
“I’m fine,” Tony said softly, his eyes never leaving his lap. “It’s over now. I’m ok. I just want to lie down.”
Gibbs knew that with all of the aggravated injuries Tony had he was likely in pain, but he also knew that this emotional pain he was experiencing could be just as excruciating as anything physically injured.
Gibbs slowly pushed Tony to the guest room. Neither of them wanted to sleep in there, but there was new furniture, new carpet, new paint and a new bed with new pillows just waiting to be broken in…he paused briefly in the doorway of the room, both to look at the new furnishings and to gauge Tony’s reaction to this room that was the setting for one of the most poignant memories of the past few days. Tony couldn’t make it up the stairs, and though he was willing, Gibbs didn’t think he’d be able to carry Tony all the way up the stairs without hurting one or both of them. He vowed they’d make the best of the situation, and they’d survive the violated room together.
He helped Tony into bed and before he could say anything or help him in any way, Tony had turned over with his back to him and pulled the covers up so high they nearly covered his whole body--including his head. Gibbs didn’t ask if Tony wanted to be alone. He knew that he probably needed that right now, so he patted the blanket-clad form and told him he’d be back in a few minutes. Tony didn’t respond, and when Gibbs returned to the room--sooner than he planned--some five or ten minutes later, he was surprised to find Tony sound asleep.
Over the next few days, Gibbs grew more and more concerned as Tony refused to leave the bed, refused to eat, refused to talk. He just refused everything--not rudely, but firmly. Gibbs was at his wits end. He wanted to help his lover--he needed to help him; but he didn’t know what to do.
*End Flashback*
xxx
Tony shut off the shower and pushed back the curtain with a relaxed sigh. There was something so soothing, so relaxing, so comfortable about a hotel shower with good water pressure…sometimes Tony thought it was maybe one of his favorite things. He smiled when he picked up the warmed towel; Gibbs was always thinking of ways to take care of him. Little things that Tony thought most people wouldn’t even notice, but after where he’d come from…any kind of nice gesture or thoughtful act was enough to render Tony into a mild state of shock and awe.
He looked in the mirror and frowned. His body bore so many scars. Some of them were from his career, first as a police officer, and later as a federal agent. But most of his scars were from his relationship with Declan. Tony ran a hand over his scruffy jaw, feeling how the bones were set straight now, even though he only saw a crooked nose and jaw when he looked at himself. He ran his hands over the burn marks from Declan’s chocolate sauce and shook his head.
Why had he stayed so long? Why hadn’t he tried to leave?
The answer, Tony knew, was sitting in the hotel room waiting for him. Without Gibbs…Tony shuddered. Without Gibbs, he’d be lying dead in the grave he’d just left, a little wooden sign declaring his name to be Slut instead of Anthony DiNozzo Jr. Without Gibbs he never would have felt safe enough to try to leave. Without Gibbs he never would have had the guts to stay gone.
Tony rushed from the bathroom so suddenly he surprised both himself and his lover.
“I have to tell you something,” he said urgently. Suddenly nervous, he began fidgeting with his fingers and his eyes drifted to the floor. “If you’re not busy,” he added softly.
“I’m never too busy for you,” Gibbs admonished gently. “Besides. I was just sitting here waiting for you.” He looked meaningfully at Tony. “Everything ok?”
“It’s your…It’s because of you…It’s…Uggh, I’m making a mess of this whole thing,” Tony ran his fingers nervously through his hair and sat down hard on the bed. Gibbs scooted to sit beside him and wrapped a gentle arm around his waist.
“Take your time Tony,” Gibbs said softly. “I’m not going anywhere. Just think about what you want to say and then tell me.”
Christ this man was always so calm! Didn’t Gibbs understand the life changing realization Tony had just come to?
“I realized something. While I was in the shower. Something important. I need to tell you about it.” Tony knew he must sound stupid; he was talking in such short, choppy sentences…but Gibbs merely nodded and looked at him.
“Ok,” the older man said softly. “What’s up?”
“You know how…Jesus why is this so hard? Ok Jethro when you think of Ducky, what image comes to mind?”
Gibbs raised his eyebrow at Tony’s odd question, but gave it serious consideration. “I think of someone wise, someone who has all the wisdom of the world and can share it with me. I picture him as both a teacher, and a friend.”
Tony nodded and let out a long breath. “What image do you get when you think of me?”
He watched with something akin to a mix of fear and delight as Gibbs’ ears tinged a pretty shade of pink and his gaze dropped to his lap. “I see the other half of my soul. I’m complete in a way I haven’t been since…since Shannon,” Gibbs said softly. Catching on to where Tony was going with this train of thought Gibbs looked up at Tony. “What do you see when you think of me?”
Now it was Tony’s turn to blush. “I um…I see…have you ever seen those suits of armor Gibbs?”
Gibbs raised an eyebrow at him and nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know what you’re talking about. What about them?”
“Do you know why people used to wear them?”
“I would imagine they wore them for protection, Tony,” Gibbs said softly.
Tony nodded. He was screwing this up again. Just spit it out, he chastised himself. “I um…I kind of picture you, in one of those suits, riding a white horse,” he said softly, his voice cracking.
“When you think of me,” Gibbs clarified.
“Yes,” Tony whispered. “No,” he corrected, then paused. “I’m sorry, that’s stupid isn’t it? I’m sorry Jethro. I’m making a mess of this! That’s not how I meant it…What I meant is…what I’m trying to say…I just…I don’t know how to put it--”
Gibbs put a finger over Tony’s lips. “Think. Breathe. Talk.”
Tony was quiet for a moment, then nodded. “When people put on those suits they became stronger than they were without them. Almost impenetrable. People didn’t want to mess with them because they knew there was a likely chance they’d lose.”
“Makes sense,” Gibbs said.
“And everyone talks about the hero, the knight in shining armor.”
Gibbs nodded. Tony took a deep breath.
“Before I met you…before you knew me, really knew me, I felt like I was in a ring fight with no armor on. People were handing me sticks and swords and weapons to fight my opponent, but without the protection I couldn’t win. I had no hope of winning.”
Gibbs remained quiet, his gaze on Tony, and listened. Tony clenched his hands into fists when he realized they were shaking.
“And then you came along. And you and I didn’t really fit together right at first--we both had to adjust to each other. You had to learn to bend around me and I had to learn to let you into all of the tight fitting, uncomfortable spots.”
Tony felt Gibbs’ arm tighten around his waist just slightly and he smiled shyly at his lover.
“I’m stronger with you than I could ever hope to be without you,” he said softly, and to his horror tears filled his eyes and his voice cracked. He looked up at Gibbs as the tears fell from his eyes and he saw the love in the other man’s gaze. He saw the trust and the concern and the warmth that filled him each day and comforted him through each night.
“I was scared to try you on,” Tony said finally, resorting to the analogy he’d been trying to make sense of since he started this conversation. “I was scared we wouldn’t fit, or worse, that you’d think me too much of a risk or too dangerous to stick with. But you never gave up on me. You covered me, you protected me; you’re just as battered as I am because of all of this mess. And yet you’ve never left me since that first day I called you.”
Gibbs nodded silently, remembering the day Tony had called him from where he was hiding behind his dumpster, bleeding, broken and begging for help.
“I couldn’t leave you alone. I was so scared something had happened to you,” Gibbs said softly.
“I never would have been able to break free from Declan without you, Jethro. He would have uprooted me, dragged me away, and I’d still be stuck in that same hell--that same ring fight--that I’ve been in for ten years. But you covered me--you made me into an impenetrable silver knight. You protected me, loved me, became part of me…Jethro you don’t understand…that’s so huge for me!”
The arm around him tightened again, and Tony leaned his head against Gibbs’ shoulder.
“I beat the biggest thing in my life. I broke free from my abusive past; I’m walking away from it a little more each day. You saved me Gibbs.”
Two tears dripped from the older man’s blue eyes. “No Tony,” he said softly. “I didn’t save you. I didn’t take the shot. I didn’t protect you. I’m so sorry.”
“I would have hated you if you had killed him,” Tony declared softly. At Gibbs’ surprised look, Tony blushed slightly. “I knew it needed to be me. I needed to prove to myself that I was strong enough to make that choice. That I was strong enough to stand up to the scariest thing in my world and defend the people I love. I love you; I couldn’t let him hurt you.”
Gibbs leaned over and kissed Tony softly, but passionately. “I love you too, Sweetheart. I love you so much,” he said quietly.
Tony smiled. “We should maybe sleep,” he said, forcing down a yawn.
“Yep, we should. Let’s go to bed Tony. We’ve got all day tomorrow to figure out what happens next.”
“On your six, Boss,” Tony said, climbing into bed with Gibbs and turning off the lamp. He snuggled in close and rested his head on Gibbs’ shoulder, and smiled when he felt Gibbs’ arm wrap around his back. It didn’t take long at all for Tony’s body to relax in sleep, snuggled up with Gibbs.
In the darkness, Gibbs smiled. With the image of himself, and now, very strong Tony, both wrapped in silver armor and guarding each other’s sixes, he knew there was nothing in the world that could ever touch them.
It was that reassuring thought that accompanied Gibbs into a very restful sleep, indeed.
The End.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks to everyone who read and commented on this story (both on FFN and here). This is the end of this story, and I'd love to know what you think of the ending. :) Love Jen