Chapter 9: Healing the Breaks
On Monday morning, Kate rushed into the bullpen, fully expecting to be fussed at for being two minutes late. To her surprise, neither Gibbs nor Tony had arrived yet. She settled down at her desk, booted her computer, and tried to make it look like she’d been there for more than a few seconds. She checked her email, updated her calendar on her blackberry, and watched the clock as the minutes ticked by.
She really didn’t want to call Gibbs.
An hour or so after she arrived, Director Morrow entered the bullpen. A frown was set deeply into his features, and he approached Kate’s desk. Kate looked around, wondering what she’d done, and where in the hell Gibbs and Tony were. However, once Morrow arrived at her desk, his features split into an expression of pleasantness.
“Did you have a good vacation, Agent Todd?”
She smiled, though the uneasy feeling hadn’t left her yet. “Yes I did, Director. Thank you.”
Morrow crooked a finger at her and motioned for her to follow him. “Please join me in my office, Agent Todd.”
Kate followed Morrow up the stairs and around the balcony to his office. Morrow walked past Cynthia without a word and Kate shot her a questioning look as she followed him. Cynthia merely shrugged. It didn’t help Kate feel any better.
“Have a seat, Kate,” Director Morrow said once they were inside the office. Kate sat down on the edge of one of the chairs facing the director’s desk. Morrow shut the door behind her with an audible click.
“I want to explain what is going on, so you will understand.”
“Understand what?” Kate blurted out her question, unable to hide her curiosity any longer. “Did something happen? Where are Gibbs and Tony?”
“Agents Gibbs and DiNozzo are both taking some extended leave.” The director paused, trying to decide how much to tell their team member. “Agent DiNozzo was injured during his vacation, and Agent Gibbs is assisting him in his recovery. Rest assured, Agent Todd, both of them will be back soon, and things will return to normal. In the mean time, I have taken your team off of rotation.”
“But what am I--” Kate started to ask what she was supposed to do while the others were gone, but the director cut her off.
“Agent Gibbs suggested that you work on cold cases until he returns. However, I think it would be more beneficial to you to gain some better understanding of some of the other areas. This week I have you scheduled as an assistant in forensics. You’ll be working with Abby. We’ll work out a plan for next week towards the end of this week. Any questions?”
“Is Tony okay?”
“He will be. I spoke with both of them on Saturday evening. Agent DiNozzo is on the mend; he should hopefully be returning to desk duty in two weeks.”
“What happened?”
“That, I can’t say. It’s private information, and Agent DiNozzo has requested that I not divulge the nature of his injuries. Currently he’s staying with Agent Gibbs, receiving the best medical care available.”
“Could I go visit him?”
“I would call Gibbs before showing up to visit. It’s very important that DiNozzo get as much rest as he needs.”
“Of course Director, so if people ask me where they are…what should I tell them?”
“I would suggest telling them they are working an undercover operation that is classified on a need to know basis.”
Kate nodded. “Agreed. So…Abby?”
“Thank you for your flexibility, Agent Todd. May I suggest, you call Agent Gibbs as soon as possible.”
“Thank you Director. Thanks for letting me know what’s going on…well as best you can.”
“Certainly, if I learn more, you will be the first to know.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Kate shut the door behind her and leaned against it for a moment. She was stunned by the information she’d just been given. Cynthia turned to her with eager eyes. “So? What’s going on?”
Kate looked at her friend for a long moment. She adored Cynthia, but it was no secret that the woman had a big mouth. If Kate told her that DiNozzo was injured, it’d be all over the building and blown out of proportion--no doubt Tony’s funeral would be planned by lunchtime. She decided to keep her information to herself.
“Can’t talk about it, Cynthia. It’s classified.”
Kate walked over to the elevator and hit the button. She knew Cynthia would be watching where she was heading, trying to glean any information she could gather. Kate stepped inside the elevator and punched the button for the bullpen. Once it stopped there, Kate remained on the elevator, punched the button for Abby’s lab and watched as the doors slid shut again.
In between floors, Kate hit the emergency stop button. She pulled out her cell phone and hit 4.
xxx
Gibbs had been up for hours. Ever since the phone conversation with Declan the other night, the senior agent hadn’t gotten much sleep. It was just after 0900 on Monday morning when his cell phone rang. He didn’t need to look at the caller ID to know that it was Agent Todd on the other end. By now she would have met with the director and been informed about the situation.
Tony was still sleeping, thanks to the pain killers that Gibbs was still forcing him to take, as well as the light sedative Ducky had prescribed to help Tony relax and sleep free from nightmares. The first couple of nights after he was released from the hospital, Tony hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours; he was plagued all night by frightening images--memories of his life with Declan, fears that he’d be forced to return to that relationship, and recollections of the week he’d spent in the apartment with him being beat to hell everyday while he was on vacation. These things kept Tony from sleeping which subsequently kept Gibbs from sleeping. Gibbs had consulted Ducky about Tony’s lack of sleep, and Ducky sprang to the rescue with a light sedative as a result.
Gibbs flipped open his phone, stepping out onto the back porch to talk, staying near the house, mindful of the rain falling. He didn’t want to take any chances of waking Tony up. The poor guy needed some good quality sleep, and when Gibbs checked on him earlier, Tony was finally sleeping soundly for the first time in days.
“Yeah, Gibbs.”
“Gibbs it’s Kate. What the hell happened to DiNozzo?”
“He got injured Kate. He’s recovering. Did you meet with Morrow?”
“Yeah he assigned me to work with Abby all week.”
“Make sure you take her some caf-pow.”
“As if I need to hype her up more. What’s she say about Tony being injured?”
“She doesn’t know. Tony doesn’t want it spread around that he got hurt.”
“Is he okay, Gibbs?”
“Getting better everyday, Kate.”
“Could I…I mean would it be alright if we came to visit?”
“Let’s wait a few more days. Tony’s pretty nervous right now; we’re waiting to hear back from his surgeon about possibly needing another operation, and until that’s decided I think it’s best to keep things real low key.”
“You know Abby’s not going to like that.”
“I don’t’ see why Abby needs to be involved at this point, Agent Todd. The only reason you know is because it directly affects you at work. If DiNozzo had his way about it, none of us would know.”
“What happened to him? I mean is it so personal that he can’t tell us about it?”
“It’s his story to tell. And yes, Agent Todd, it’s very personal. It’d do you well to keep the information you have to yourself.”
“I won’t tell anyone. Does Ducky know?”
“Ducky knows. He’s been helping out some as well.”
“Do you have any idea how long you’ll be out?”
“Next two weeks for sure. After that…well it depends on what the doctors say. Tony can’t really be by himself right now.”
“Alright Boss. I’ll be in touch.”
“We’ll see about you dropping by later in the week.”
“Of course. Bye.”
Kate hit the button to start the elevator again and leaned against the wall. A week working in Abby’s lab. God help her.
xxx
Awareness crept into Tony’s brain like a fog lifting from a lake. He tried to bury his head beneath the pillow; he didn’t want to wake up yet--he didn’t want to face the day. Feelings of darkness, depression, helplessness, and worthlessness flooded his mind before he even got his eyes open. It was one of those feelings that was so overwhelming he felt as though he’d been physically attacked by it. He shifted slightly and couldn’t bite back the groan that escaped his lips. Christ his whole body hurt. Worse today than it had been, it seemed. He closed his eyes again for a moment, regretting the fact that he needed the head. He used his one good arm to push himself up, but immediately his ribs caught and he groaned again, louder this time, despite himself.
A moment later, Gibbs was by his side. “Hey…you ok?”
Tony had stopped mid-motion, and was trying to stay as still as possible, in hopes that his screaming body would give him a bit of relief.
“Need…needa…minute…need th’head…” Tony mumbled, still taking shallow breaths trying not to worsen the pain in his lungs.
“Looks like you need some pain killers too. Ok let me help you.” Gibbs turned around and moved the wheelchair close by. “Here’s your chair. Gonna take it nice and slow. Let me do all the work Tony. Just take it easy.”
Gibbs gently wrapped one arm under Tony’s and the other he slid under Tony’s legs. Tony lifted his good arm and wrapped it around the back of Gibbs’ neck. Gibbs picked Tony up off of the bed and eased him down into the wheelchair. When Gibbs moved to draw back from Tony, a hand on his arm stopped him, their faces centimeters from each other.
Gibbs looked at Tony’s lips, unconsciously licking his own, and trying like hell to get his breathing and his growing erection under control. Tony’s hand on his arm felt like fire, warm and soothing, and threatening to spread that pleasurable feeling all over his body. If a touch on his arm could produce feelings like this, then Gibbs could only imagine what…other touches would feel like.
“Jethro,” Tony whispered softly.
“Tony,” Gibbs whispered back. “You uh…” he let out a sharp breath--get yourself under control, Marine--“You ok, DiNozzo?”
Tony licked his lips again, and let out a shaky breath. Gibbs wondered if Tony had felt the same sensations he’d felt. “Y-yeah. ‘m fine,” Tony said softly.
Gibbs pulled back and stood up. He moved behind Tony’s wheelchair and fixed his eyes on the bathroom. Get yourself under control you idiot. You’re not some hormonal sixteen year old. Tony doesn’t need this from you right now. Gibbs bit down on that thought before he could pursue it further. He resolutely ignored the he might want this from you later thought that passed through his mind before he could stop it.
Once Tony was finished in the bathroom, Gibbs helped him back into the chair. “You wanna go back to bed or head out into the living room?”
Tony stared at his lap, feeling overwhelmed even by this small choice to make. “Whichever is easier for you, Boss. I don’t wanna be a bother.”
Gibbs parked the chair right in the middle of the hallway where they were, and circled around in front of Tony where he knelt down so they were at eyelevel.
Tony stared hard at his lap, his teeth worrying the scab on his lower lip, until Gibbs reached out and put a finger to Tony’s lips.
“Hey,” he said softly, “what’s wrong?”
Tony glanced fleetingly up at Gibbs, and then quickly looked back down at his lap. “Nothin’,” Tony said, morosely. He didn’t understand these dark, depressing feelings that were threatening to consume him today. You’re worthless, DiNozzo. No one could ever want you. Gibbs will never love you. “‘M fine.”
Gibbs tapped one finger under Tony’s chin, and Tony raised his gaze. There was pain in his expressive green eyes, and it was more than physical. Tony had been on an emotional roller coaster ever since the beating, and it was looking like today was going to be one of Tony’s down days. Gibbs wished it wasn’t raining; he’d take Tony outside--that usually cheered the younger man up.
Gibbs shifted slightly, so he was sitting on his knees in front of Tony’s chair, instead of kneeling. He leaned forward a little bit, and reached a hand out to cup Tony’s cheek.
“You can tell me,” Gibbs murmured. “Can always tell me if something’s wrong,” he said softly.
Tony raised his gaze to meet the shiny blue eyes that were watching him so carefully. Gibbs’ eyes reflected the pain that Tony was feeling--did Gibbs understand the thoughts that were in Tony’s head today? Did Gibbs understand how big all of the problems in Tony’s world had become? Or was the emotion he saw there something else? Could it be Gibbs had that look in his eyes because he could feel Tony’s pain? Tony’s eyes widened and his breathing picked up pace slightly. He pressed his face into Gibbs’ touch and closed his eyes.
“I don’t wanna be a burden to you,” Tony pleaded softly, “please, I know this has to be getting to you…just let me leave,” I’ll go back home to Declan and we’ll just forget this ever happened. “Please Gibbs…you…you can’t.”
Gibbs drew back a bit, his eyes narrowing, but didn’t break the physical contact between them. “I can’t what?”
Tony blinked his eyes furiously, he would not cry. “You can’t…can’t care for me like this,” he whispered. “No…no one can…no one does…no one ever has. Please just…if you won’t take me home…just let me go to bed…let me sleep…please…I…I just want to be alone.”
Gibbs felt anger surging through him and not for the first time, he found himself cursing both DiNozzo Senior and Declan O’Sullivan for the way they treated Tony. This was so wrong. Here was this smart, sophisticated, educated, good looking, sexy man…and he looked at himself as though he were worthless, useless, unwanted by anyone, and incapable of being loved. Gibbs let out a soft sigh, this was unacceptable.
“No,” he replied shortly.
“What?” Tony snapped, raising his gaze again, instead of depression and sadness, now fiery anger filled his eyes.
Gibbs met Tony’s glare head on, undeterred by the rage suddenly threatening to erupt. “No. I’m not going to let you be alone right now Tony. You don’t have to be alone right now. You don’t have to be by yourself to express your emotions. I told you I have your six. I’ve got your six--even when it comes to your own emotions.”
Tony used his good hand to push his wheelchair back from Gibbs. He didn’t know where he thought he was going, but he was too close to the older man; he needed some space, some room to breathe. Gibbs was unrelenting however; he refused to let Tony back away from him, and followed him as he backed away.
“Leave me alone Gibbs,” Tony begged, backing up more.
“I can’t do that Tony. I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through this alone.”
“WHY NOT?!” Tony finally began to shout, frustrated and angry, he couldn’t make Gibbs listen by talking calmly, so he resorted to the only other thing he knew to do. He continued to back away as he yelled.
“IN CASE YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN BOSS--I HAVE BEEN HANDLING THIS BY MYSELF FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE! I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP! I DON’T WANT ANY HELP! I JUST--” he faltered; he did want help--wanted it more than anything, he just didn’t want to have to ask for it.
Gibbs saw his hesitation and moved in quickly, pulling Tony tight against his chest as the heaving sobs began. He didn’t hold him gently, or whisper sweet nothings into Tony’s ear. He knew Tony didn’t need that. He held the other man tightly, a wall of strength, and he didn’t make a fuss when he felt tears dampening his shirt. Tony needed to grieve; Gibbs knew he did; Gibbs also knew that Tony needed someone to shelter him through it--to walk it with him, and show him that he didn’t have to do it by himself, like he had always done in the past.
Tony tried to talk, but the sobs were harsh and soul wrenching, and he couldn’t get any words out. He was surprised though--Gibbs held firm; he didn’t back down or shy away from Tony as he lost control of himself. Somehow that made it even worse and Tony felt another wave of emotion coming. He tried to push Gibbs away, but Gibbs simply held on tighter. What Tony didn’t know, what he couldn’t see, was the tears that leaked out of the older man’s eyes as well--tears for his friend, for the man whom he’d grown to care for so much. Gibbs couldn’t stop his own tears anymore than he could stop DiNozzo’s.
The two stayed like that for a long time.
Finally, Tony’s sobs subsided to quiet tears. Gibbs stroked his fingers through the back of Tony’s hair, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. He froze momentarily when he realized what he’d done, but didn’t let it faze him for long; he wouldn’t deny his feelings for Tony anymore. Tony needed to know he was not alone. Gibbs could feel Tony trembling and gently pulled back.
“C’mon. Let’s get you fixed up.” Gibbs carefully steered Tony back into the bathroom where he wiped Tony’s face clean. “There you go,” Gibbs said softly. “Much better.”
Tony started to look away, but Gibbs caught his face and wouldn’t let him look away. “I’m not a child,” Tony whispered desperately, his lower lip quivering and his eyes looking away, even as Gibbs held his face still.
Gibbs brushed his fingertips over Tony’s healing face. “No…not a child…a man; a strong, wonderful man who deserves to be cared for.”
Tony reached up and wrapped his fingers around Gibbs’ wrist gently. He stared up at Gibbs. Gibbs returned the look at Tony. “I don’t know how to let anyone do that,” Tony said softly, shaking his head. Tony refused to believe that this could be happening. Could Gibbs really be saying and doing all of these wonderful things? Was he dreaming?
Gibbs ran his fingers through Tony’s hair again and knelt back down in front of him. “I’ll teach you, if you’ll let me, Tony,” Gibbs murmured.
“I…It’s not that I don’t want that Gibbs…I do, but…how can you want this? I mean with me? I’m damaged goods, I’m--”
Gibbs pressed a gentle finger to Tony’s lips, effectively silencing him. “You are just fine the way you are. I’ll help you learn to trust Tony. I’ll never betray you and I’ll never hurt you. I know that’s difficult for you to believe, but I would like you to try. I’m not going to leave you.”
“What if you get tired of me?”
“That won’t ever happen; I will be with you every step of the way. I want to help you move beyond Declan; l want you to experience life and see how full and wonderful it can be when you take away the pain and the loneliness that you’ve always known. It can be different now, Tony. This is your chance for a new start.”
“Don’t wanna do it alone anymore Boss.”
“Jethro.”
“Don’t wanna do it alone anymore Jethro.”
“You don’t have to Tony. I’m right here. Not letting you go.”
Tony looked up at Gibbs; this strong man who, out of nowhere, assumed the role of Tony’s protector and who actually wanted to be with him. He reached up with his good hand and fisted Gibbs’ shirt, pulling the other man closer to him.
“I want to take it slow. Need to take it slow. But I’d really…”
“You’d really what, Tony?”
“I’d really like…like to kiss you now,” Tony said softly, his ears tinging pink.
Gibbs smiled and cupped Tony’s face in his hands. “I thought you’d never ask,” he said just before their lips met.
TBC...
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