Chapter 4
AN: It is harder than I thought to write this story. I want it to be heartfelt and heart wrenching. But still something the character would believably say. All that said, I can't say I will be writing another death fic anytime soon. I will stick to my specialty Tony!Hurt. It is a lot more fun and a lot easier on my heart. (He lives, regardless of what I put him through. LOL) Also, to avoid confusion. The parenthesis are used to indicate things NOT included in Tony's letters.
Thank you to my reviewers: tansysam, mstictac, Sparkiebunny, Alisa123, Padawan-BuddyKenobi, Candy77, sakurablue13, suejacken, nitetales, Herky Illiniwek, Midnight Dancer, and Justjenn. Your support is vital, especially in writing a story like this. Thanks again. Jackie
Everyone held his breath as Tim paused. He looked across the table to Ducky. "Are you sure?"
Ducky nodded. "Anthony meant a great deal to all of us, proceed Timothy."
Tim nodded and began to read:
Dr. Donald Mallard,
I know that sounds formal, Ducky. But in the end, I know what you did for me. You performed my autopsy. I know you did because you would have believed no one could do me the justice or treat me with the respect that you would. I am so grateful to you for that. It's hard to think about my death, at all. But believing I would be in your hands makes it a lot easier. But, in case I do outlive you, having Dr. James Palmer as my doctor would not be a bad thing either.
I thank you, so much, for how you took care of me. When I told you I didn't need help or I told you things weren't bad, you always knew better. You talked me into doing things no other doctor could. When I told you about my childhood trauma. You didn't tell me to just get over it, to just put it behind me. You helped me to work through it. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. As you know, I am still not a big fan of doctors. But it least it is no longer a scary experience.
(Tim paused when he saw Ducky removed his glasses and wipe his eyes. Abby then took Ducky's hand in hers. Tim continued only when Ducky gave him the nod.)
Growing up I never had that Grandpa or uncle who told me stories. My dad's dad only interests were the stock market and golf. My dad's brothers were not interested in being uncles. They disliked my mother and were not around much. I have no idea why, for the dislike part. I grew up with this picture in my head. A little boy sitting in front of a fireplace at his grandfather's feet being regaled by amazing stories of his childhood. I wanted that as a child. I got it as an adult, and I loved it. I thank you so much for sharing your life with me in that way. And I thank you to for listening to me. It's hard to talk about my years at Harvard and it not sound pretentious. But you showed genuine interest.
You didn't make any automatic judgments on me for anything I told you. I can't tell you how much that meant. I still hope you will take my advice and publish a book, Ducky. Your life would make for such interesting reading. I would buy a copy.
The money I left for you is to be used however you want it. However, I need you to do one thing for me. Take the money and go to one of those places I told you about. Go it one of those places in those travel books you've given me over the years. Take a trip to Italy for me. It is an incredible place. I have been wanting to go back for many years.
Much Love from your adopted grandchild and friend,
Anthony
They all sat quiet for just a moment before Ziva volunteered to reach into the pile. She pulled out the envelope addressed to Gibbs.
"Gibbs, this is yours." Ziva hesitated before opening the letter. "I think we would all understand if you chose to read this in private."
Everyone at the table nodded.
Gibbs shook his head. "You all know how I felt about Tony, what our relationship was. It's no big secret. Go ahead, Ziva."
Hello Jethro,
HA! This is the ONLY time I will ever get to call you that without fear of a head-slap, so I'm taking advantage of it.
(Gibbs smiled, in spite of himself.)
I certainly never guessed that, well first of all, that I would be with NCIS more than two years. Secondly, I never would have guessed I would have come to respect and admire anyone as much as I respect and admire you. I am not sure what you saw in a cop from Baltimore, but I am glad you saw it when you did. I have wondered over the years what would have happened to me if you had not come along then. I am not so sure I would not have wound up like Danny. And the thought scares the hell out of me. I was so hurt by his betrayal. I never saw him as that type of person. We had been partners for so long. I wonder. Was I that bad a detective, or was he that good of a liar?
You came along in my life at just the right time. I couldn't stay in Baltimore. I literally had no idea what my next move would be. The next thing I know I am a federal agent at NCIS working under the toughest Team Leader in the agency. (You COULD have given me a heads-up on your reputation, by the way.)
I've learned a lot from you over the years. And I don't mean just the rules. I learned what it meant to really have someone's back. I learned that I am someone worth knowing and I discovered that that not all people have an agenda.
(Everyone, at this point, made an effort to ignore the fact that Gibbs had wiped a tear from his eyes and Ziva continued to read.)
As you know, my father really did a number on me. He, as I finally discovered, as an adult could or would not treat his personal relationships any different from his business relationships. And as you have seen, it has only served to make him a suspicious, greedy person. My dad groomed me, from an early age, to go into the world of business. He told me money and power as the only important things in life. But, I saw the money. We had plenty. He had plenty of power. He had his hands in the inner workings of many corporations. Yet he was not happy. His free time was spent staring at the bottom of a liquor bottle or yelling at someone over the phone. I didn't want that life. I couldn't see stabbing a business partner in the back for the sake of money. I couldn't see saying one thing to a person, but then doing the opposite. The person finding out the truth, only after the deal was done.
I found out at a young age. I was good at solving puzzles. I watched a lot of TV, as you know. And I always figured out the 'who-done-its,' well before the TV cops and detectives did. It was fun putting all the pieces together and having the picture make sense.
When you left for Mexico, it hurt, more than I ever thought it would hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt lost, and I wasn't sure I could lead. Not because you hadn't taught me how. But because I was not sure Tim and Ziva would follow me. And for the first month it resembled a train wreck. But then it began to work. I never felt the same kind of trust and respect you got from Tim and Ziva. That hurt, a lot. I felt Tim's sense of superiority and entitlement more acutely during that time. He did his job, but it was always a question of why I had been chosen to lead instead of him. I got Ziva seeming to say I was too much of a screw-up to do anything and why couldn't you see that in me. How blind were you?
(Ziva just paused for a second and stared dumbfounded at the page. She had felt exactly like that. And she hated herself for it. But she thought she had hidden it well. "I did not mean to hurt him. That was not my intention." She wiped her eyes. Composed herself, then continued to read.)
I could have whipped out my Harvard degree and shocked the hell out of both of them. And I was tempted, so many times. But I thought it would only cause them to respect the degree, not the person who had earned it. I forgave them. It took time, but it happened.
("Harvard?!" Tim asked, unable to help himself. He looked at Gibbs. "Really? It's true?" Tim added, thinking back to Ducky's letter. Tim had felt himself superior, a lot of the time. He just thought he had hidden it better.
Gibbs nodded.
Abby then spoke. "Bachelors in Criminology to start."
"Anthony was working on his Masters. He had wanted to get his PhD, also." Ducky stated.
Ziva was equally as stunned. She continued reading.)
I missed you being at the hospital when I had the plague. I needed you to be there. I needed your help, your support. I needed you. But I knew the reason you weren't there. I knew you were out finding who had done this time me and you were making them pay. I never asked you about that afterwards. I knew when you walked into my hospital room and put that phone in my hand. I knew it was over. I knew the person was dead or in jail. And in all honesty, at that point, I didn't care which.
I learned from Atlas that there are no such things as rules the Marines teach you. There is something I didn't tell you thought about that time. I was truly scared, not for me, for Atlas. I didn't support/drag him through what felt like mile of tunnels for that witch, Vanessa, to kill him. And probably me. We were so close to getting out. I could just taste freedom. I stepped in front of Atlas willing to give my life for his. And if that is how I die, I think it's well worth it.
If I died in some accident, just know that was how I was meant to go. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame the person or the situation. Things happen the way they do for a reason. I may not be there to share the rest of your life with you, but you sure as hell will never forget me.
(Everyone wiped their eyes as Ziva continued to read, smiling through their tears.)
We didn't have the perfect relationship. I didn't want a perfect relationship. I wanted a real relationship. Growing up there were two DiNozzos. The Public DiNozzo family, and the Private DiNozzo family. As a kid I saw it, but I didn't understand it. As I grew older I began to understand it, and I hated it. As an adult, I refused to live it.
I thank you for being a true friend, showing me what it is like to trust, and how it felt to be loved unconditionally. I thank you for valuing me for who I am and for what I can do.
I owe you a lot Leroy Jethro Gibbs, and I hope I made you proud.
(Gibbs could only nod as tears flowed down his cheeks. As a matter of fact, there was not a dry eye at the table.
Ziva struggled to read the last few words.)
The money I left for you is to be used however you want it. However, every man needs a least one good suit. Go and buy yourself a really, really nice, outrageously expensive tailored suit. You may be surprised how much it comes in handy. I plan on giving Tim the same advice, so make sure he does it.
I love you,
Your adopted son,
Anthony Donatello DiNozzo
(The pause was longer this time as everyone struggled to control their emotions. a short time later, Jimmy reached into the pile next and drew out Tim's letter.
"Tim, this is yours." Jimmy stated as he opened the letter and began to read.)
Tim,
You're my awesome little brother with the super cool computer skills. I hope by the time you're reading this we are both retired old men. On the off chance that's not, I just wanted you to know I grew up wanting a little brother. And I am glad to have found him in you.
I saw when you first came to NCIS you were timid, too timid to work with Gibbs. And he left it to me to teach you, train you to become an agent. And when I look at you today, I see no trace of that timid young man, I first met, and I'm proud. I'm proud of the man, the agent you've become.
(Tim smiled, despite the tears in his eyes.)
I am glad to have gotten the opportunity to know you. I know we have not had the perfect relationship. But brothers fight, they make up, and then they fight some more. I was not in search of a perfect relationship. That belongs on TV. The real ones are much more important, more lasting.
I hope you realize now that the teasing was just my way of toughening you up. I was afraid Gibbs would chew you up and spit you out. Or he would just eat you for lunch.
(Gibbs grinned despite himself.)
If I do die while in the line of duty. I know I've prepared you well enough to take over as Senior Field Agent. I know, down the road, that you will make a capable team leader. And I fully expect to you to made Director. If I'm still around, I'll have to report to you. I know you'll love that. Just don't rub it in, too much.
I am very sincere when I tell you that I love you like a little brother.
(Tim had to pause for a moment. His voice was shaking too much to continue.)
I know I made life hard for you sometimes. It seemed I was just picking on you mercilessly. But as you have seen, people who carry guns sometimes carry a sense of entitlement. A feeling of superiority and in some cases an over-inflated ego. They look for weaknesses, and once they find them then exploit them. A good cop can get into a lot of trouble. You need to know how to recognize it when you see it. I can't be there to protect you all the time. I hope I have taught you enough now to make it through.
I'll need you to step up and take care of everybody. Gibbs will need somebody to lean on. Abby will need a shoulder to cry on. Ducky will need somebody to tell his stories to. Jimmy will need a friend. And Ziva, well, Ziva is in love with me. Everybody knows that. But seriously, just be her friend and lend her a shoulder when she needs it.
I didn't do the things I did to hurt you or to make you feel stupid. I did what I did for the sole purpose of making you a better agent. As I've said, you have come a long way and you make me very proud.
The money I left for you is to be used however you want it. However, every man needs a least one good suit. Go and buy yourself a really, really nice, outrageously expensive tailored suit. You may be surprised how much it comes in handy. I plan on giving Gibbs the same advice, so make sure he does it.
Your adopted big brother,
Tony
Abby took her turn she reached into the middle of the pile and drew out Jimmy's letter.
"Are you ready, Jimmy?" Abby asked.
Jimmy nodded and Abby began to read.
Jimmy,
Ours was a most unlikely friendship. I needed somebody and you were there. You didn't tell me not to act like Gibbs. You didn't tell me to be more like Gibbs. You allowed me to be myself. And you respected me, you saw in me things, at the time, I thought nobody could or was willing to see. I am so very grateful to you for that.
(Jimmy smiled and wiped a tear.)
I called you Autopsy Gremlin because, well, you let me. You allowed me to get away with it. I wanted you to stand up to me. Waited for you to, and when you did I was proud. You cannot be timid and work for or around Leroy Jethro Gibbs. It just doesn't happen. He will eat you alive. And he has had you by the foot, munching on your toes more than once. I knew if you would stand up to me, you could eventually stand up to Gibbs. I'm not NEARLY as intimidating. My method was a little unorthodox, and, I admit, downright mean, at times. But it worked. It got the desired results.
You have turned into a confident assistant and I know you will make an excellent M.E. I was probably still a bad patient. But I'm sure Ducky gave you some pointers on how to deal with me.
If I don't get to see your graduate from medical school, just know I believed you could make it. And I am sorry I missed it. I know you will be great, wherever you do, wherever you end up.
(Jimmy took off his glasses and wiped his eyes.)
I sincerely thank you, again, for believing in me. I thank you for your unfailing confidence in me, at the times I was didn't think I could go on.
You will make the world a better place. I have no doubt.
The money I left for you is to be used however you want it. I would like, however, for you to do one thing for me. Move out of your parent's house, and enjoy the single/bachelor life for a little while before you take the plunge. You will be glad you did.
Your Friend,
Tony
Abby folded her letter, like the ones before her had done, and handed it to Jimmy, the intended recipient. Everyone waited as Ducky took his turn. He drew out Ziva's letter.
Ducky opened the letter. "This is your letter Ziva, my dear." Ducky said, then he began to read.
Ziva,
My Super Ninja Chick.
Since you're reading this, I'm no longer around. I hope I passed peacefully in my old age, just went to sleep and never woke up. If that is not the case and I died in the line of duty. If I died protecting you, it was well worth it.
(Ziva began to cry as Ducky continued reading.)
Don't seek revenge. I don't want you ruining the rest of your life for something that was already 'in the cards' You cannot enjoy the benefits of being an American from a jail cell.
When were first met, I had no idea what to make of you. I still don't really, after all these years. You STILL refuse to use contractions. And you still get you idioms wrong. Thought I have suspected, for a while, that that is solely for my amusement. You have changed. And being around you has changed me, for the better, I believe. Kate had no interest in knowing the man. She was happy dealing with the child. You wanted to see the man and refused to deal with the child. It made me face a lot of things. Things that, I think, Kate saw but didn't want to deal with. She got glimpses into my childhood. Just like the things I have told you, and, I guess, she didn't like what she saw. Too bad for her though, she might have liked the grown-up me.
I don't mean to compare the two of you. But it seems appropriate, I had a lot of regrets when she died. There were things I wanted to know. Things I wanted her to tell me, about herself, about her family. You told me those things as a way for me to get to know you. She told me things too, but it seemed like, to me, that she made me earn the right. I didn't like that. There are things you should have to earn in life...respect, trust. But not knowing how many brothers and sisters you have and what their names are. It seemed like a game, and everybody loses when you play those kinds of games.
I am happy to say I have no regrets in our relationship. We have had our battles, our disagreements. But they got resolved. We respect each other enough to make the effort. I was so glad when I got to see those glimpses of the real Ziva. When the nuclear inspector died. When we were playing the fake war game. When you were so worried/concerned I may have contracted the plague again. Those instances were brief. But I saw the depth of caring you possess.
(Ziva wiped her eyes as Ducky read.)
I saw your humanness, you vulnerability. I know you didn't like that. But it gave me a chance to see the lady, the sweet, caring woman behind the warrior. I like that woman a lot. She needs to be let out more, just put her in a Xena Warrior Princess outfit.
Come on! You DIDN'T see that coming!?
( A small ripple of laughter erupted from those at the table.)
You have made my life interesting Ziva David. You have taught me a lot. You taught me that I am better than the person my father told me I was. You taught me I am worthy of trust. You've taught me I should never settle for what this life gives. You helped me to understand that it is OK to hurt. And it's OK to let others know you're hurting.
It's hard to believe a trained assassin could teach a cynical, embittered cop lessons in humanity. And that an embittered cop could teach an assassin lessons in trust. But it happened.
I need you to remember those lessons, Ziva. If I die 'before my time' I want you to know how grateful I am to you for having such a big part of shaping the man you came to know. I want you to believe, trust that justice will come. It will be okay.
The money I left for you is to be used however you want it. I would like, however, for you to do one thing for me. Go to Israel, make a effort to make up with your father. I know he's not a good guy, but he is your father. And as much as you may not like him right now, you do love him. Promise me you will make the effort.
(Ziva nodded. "I promise, Tony. I will." She wiped the tears from her eyes.)
For my partner and my friend,
Tony
"Well, Abs it's me and you." Gibbs said as he picked up the last letter on the table. He opened it and began to read.
Abby,
My ray of Gothic sunshine. I love you little sis. I know I tell you that a lot. And I mean it, EVERY time I say it.
(Abby nodded sadly and wiped her eyes.)
We have been through a lot together. I have loved partying with you. I love the hugs. It took me a little bit to used to them. To get used to the display of affection. I have found now, though, that my day is not complete without an Abby hug.
If I die in the line of duty I want you to know that it's OK. I wanted us to grow old together to live in adjoining condos in Florida. (ha,ha.) But if it doesn't happen I have had a good, happy life with you and the rest of my NCIS family. I know I was loved and I hope I told you enough that I loved you.
I know you didn't know I had money. I didn't keep it from you on purpose. I just didn't tell you. I have left you this money to do whatever you like with it. But I want you to do just one thing for me. I want you to move out of that teeny, tiny apartment of yours and move into a bigger, nicer place. Also, I almost forgot. I want you to fix up your hearse. Trick it out however you like.
I love you, little sis,
Tony
TBC
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