Grounded In Truth
Chapter 4
by Jen (WCUGirl)
Tony drove back to the office with the blood samples for Abby, feeling like he was in a daze. The memory of that Christmas just kept haunting Tony’s mind and he found that no matter how many times he pushed the memory out of his head, it always seemed to pop right back up.
Abby was in the lab with her music blaring when Tony arrived. His head was aching a bit thanks to the lack of sleep the night before and the memory from earlier. Abby didn’t look up when Tony arrived, and all of the equipment honestly kind of looked the same to Tony, so he really couldn’t tell which one the music was coming from.
“Abby.”
She didn’t turn around. Tony bit his lip and took a step closer, not wanting to startle the forensic specialist.
“Abby!”
Still nothing, so he took yet another step closer. He was close enough to reach out and touch her, but he hadn’t gotten brave enough to do that yet.
“ABBY!”
She didn’t even flinch, so he stepped right up beside her and looked at her. Seconds later she glanced up and saw Tony standing there and jumped so badly she turned the chair behind her over. She stepped over and flipped a switch and the deafening music came to an abrupt halt.
“Jesus Tony you scared me! What!” she was frustrated because he’d snuck up on her as easily as Gibbs did, but she stopped yelling when she saw the contrite look on his face.
“Sorry Abby,” Tony said quietly. “I really didn’t mean to scare you. I called your name several times but you didn’t hear me.”
Abby ran a hand over her forehead and looked at this guy who was quickly ruining her work life. Wow, he looked terrible this afternoon. She fought down her concern though. She didn’t want to like him, and she refused to let herself care about him.
“What do you want, Tony?”
“I found a blood spatter from one of the bridges along the river we found Lt. Singer in,” Tony replied, passing the blood sample to her, his fingers pressing against one temple trying to ward off the coming headache.
“What do you want me to do with this,” she snapped, holding the sample in her hands.
“Um…well I dunno what all my choices are, but we need to know whose blood it is,” Tony ventured.
Abby started to say something about Tony being a smartass, but she held back. The poor guy really didn’t look like he felt so hot. She still didn’t like him though, but she wasn’t completely cruel.
“Abby?”
“Yeah?”
“Just wondering…I’ve never actually got to spend any time in a forensics lab before…what else can you do with the blood sample?”
“If the blood sample is big enough, I can almost give you a full medical run down of the person. I can’t give you specifics on things like height and weight, but I could tell you if they were healthy or not; if they weren’t I can tell you what they were ill with. With a good sample, you can learn a lot about a person. I’ll have your ID for you later,” she said. There was no malice in her tone this time, but Tony realized he’d been dismissed"made clear when she turned her back on him.
“Yeah, uh okay. Thanks Abby,” Tony said quietly and left the lab. He was grateful that he successfully dropped off the sample without Abby ripping him apart like she seemed to be keen on doing.
***
Tony showed up at Gibbs’ house right on time, beer in tow. He let himself in the front door"which he noticed now stayed unlocked. Tony didn’t have a key, but lived close enough that Gibbs had given him free access 24/7"that meant the door stayed unlocked. Tony thought it was kind of crazy, but didn’t argue.
His mouth started to water the minute he opened the door and the smell of the steak hit him. This was the smell of comfort"this was the smell of a relationship that had known hard times and survived it"this was the smell of coming home to his dad. That, and sawdust of course.
“Smells good,” Tony commented as he entered the living room. He set the beer on the table and shucked off his jacket.
Gibbs didn’t respond; he was busy removing the steak from the fireplace. Finally he stood up and turned around. There was his boy"and though he was trying hard not to show it, his boy looked more lost now than he’d ever looked before"even on that day of academy graduation so many years ago when his father hadn’t showed up. Then there had almost been a look of relief to couple the anxiety then. Here there was no relief"Tony was haunted tonight"something was really bothering his boy and Gibbs wanted to find out why.
“How ya doin’ Tony?”
Tony sank onto the couch and shrugged. “I’m fine. I actually managed to drop off the blood sample to Abby without her ripping my face off,” Tony smiled weakly. “That counts for something right?”
Gibbs smirked. “Sounds like Abby’s calming down a bit.” He didn’t mention the reprimand in her file that would be like water on a flame to the hyper girl. “What’s bothering you Tony? It’s not just all the changes. Something’s happened. I want to know what.”
Well his dad never had been one to sugar coat things. Tony took a deep breath and popped a bite of steak in his mouth while he contemplated what to tell his dad. He’d been asked a direct question; he knew there was no way to get out of answering, and he knew better than to lie.
“I uh, I remembered something today. From a long time ago.”
“On the drive to the scene?”
Tony laughed. “No Dad"there was I was remembering my drunk driving arrest, sophomore year at OSU"the first time I experienced the wrath of Gibbs.”
Gibbs joined him in laughter. “I coulda beat your ass for that,” he chuckled.
Tony’s head dropped to his chest. “I expected you to,” he said quietly.
Gibbs’ laughter immediately stopped and he raised an eyebrow. “Tony…you know I’d never…”
“I know you wouldn’t Dad. But I also know my real father would have.”
“You remembered something about him today.”
“I remembered the Christmas morning when I was six years old.”
Gibbs looked evenly at Tony. Tony hadn’t ever mentioned this before now. “Tell me about it?”
Gibbs’ expression darkened with the dying flames of the fire as his son told his account of the Christmas his arm had been broken, and his fists clinched.
Gibbs knew, though, that this must only be the tip of the iceberg.
***
“So what brought on the memory of what happened, Tony,” Gibbs asked softly when Tony finished his story.
“I uh…that is…last night I…” he sighed, “I came back to the office last night after I left your house. I looked myself up on AFIS.” Tony’s eyes were on his lap and he looked completely defeated.
Gibbs pressed his lips together, his anger at Abby reignited all over again.
“How much did Abby read, Dad,” Tony finally whispered.
“I don’t know Tony. I’m fairly certain she had just pulled it up whenever I walked in.”
“It’s all there, Dad. Everything that happened to me as a kid…it’s all there. It couldn’t have been more thorough if I had written it myself.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
Tony looked at his dad questioningly. The ‘functional mute’ was offering to talk? Again? This seemed to be happening more and more frequently. Tony rubbed his temple again, the headache still nagging at his brain.
Suddenly a new memory sprang into Tony’s mind…
Flashback: Late Autumn 1976
Eight year old Tony grimaced as he looked at the paper on the desk before him. Detention? How had he gotten detention? “Excessive talking,” the paper said. Tony covered his face with his hands as his cheeks burned red with embarrassment. He didn’t want to think about what would happen when he got home.
His father was beyond angry. Tony remained still, his eyes on the man in front of him as he paced and yelled, ranting and raving and going on and on about how stupid Tony was, how worthless, how disrespectful he was to have been talking during class! What was Tony thinking? How could he be such an embarrassment to his family in this way? Didn’t he know that DiNozzos were respected"because they respected others first. Right.
His father paced in front of the fireplace and for a moment Tony daydreamed about pushing his mean old daddy into the fire like the children did to the witch in that story…
“You have a choice Anthony,” his father was saying now. “You will decide what your punishment will be. Do you want a whipping with the cane? Or do you want a belting with the strap?”
What a terrible choice! Tony wanted a different choice"a third option"none of the above!
He ran a trembling hand through his hair. He knew his father was really mad and he knew he had to make the correct choice.
“The cane please, sir,” Tony said quietly. He’s get fewer licks with the cane than the strap, even though they’d probably be harder.
His father smiled wickedly and nodded his head. He stepped to the door and pulled his cane out of the bin. The cane was black iron with a sterling silver handle shaped into a ball. Tony closed his eyes for a brief moment, allowing himself to dread what would come next.
“Take off your jacket and your pants, Anthony,” his father said quietly. Tony quickly complied, eager to not earn anymore punishment than he already had.
“Bend over the desk.”
This was no spanking. Tony was getting the beating of a lifetime with the cane. He realized, belatedly, that his father wasn’t hitting him on the rear end"that was purely for his embarrassment. Tony’s father was flogging him across his back and shoulders, the heavy metal ball shaped handle bouncing thickly off of his body. Tony groaned and coughed and squirmed and moaned trying to get away, but his father held him down. Tony cried out pitifully as he felt the handle of the cane finally crack one rib…then two…
Finally"oh sweet Jesus thank you"his father stopped. Tony’s knees would barely support him by this point. He was completely caught off guard when the strap suddenly sliced into the skin of his back"the skin mottled and marred by bruises from the cane already. A hand on the back of his neck kept him still and Tony shrieked in both fear and pain. He noticed that there were still no licks made to his rear end. Of course, Tony realized as the strap continued to bite his back, his father was making sure he’d be able to sit for his detention at school.
“What is going on here,” a brisk woman’s voice broke through the haze of the pain.
“MOMMY HELP ME,” Tony screamed.
“Anthony, look what you’re doing"his back is a terrible shade of color now. I think he’s had enough. Let him up and I will deal with him. Really you need to be more careful Anthony or his school will find out about this. What will you do then?”
His father released the iron grip on his neck and Tony pushed himself away from the desk as quickly as he could. He wobbled slightly and staggered over to where his mother was holding her hand out for him.
“Come with me Anthony,” she said.
She walked him upstairs to the bathroom and turned on the bathtub. Tony looked, but couldn’t see any steam coming out of the bathtub water. Normally whenever he had a bath it was warm and delicious feeling. His mother’s gentle exploring fingers slid over his skin and slid off his undershorts and undershirt. Her fingers traced over his chest as they trailed back down and Tony closed his eyes as they slid lower. He didn’t want to watch. He didn’t like it when Mommy touched him this way. There was something about it that seemed wrong, even though he found that it didn’t hurt.
When her fingers wrapped around his penis, Tony couldn’t help but flinch. He’d had enough touching. He didn’t want anymore.
“Shh Little Puppet,” Mommy cooed at him, “be a good boy and let me make sure you are alright.”
Little Puppet. That was what his mommy called him whenever it was just the two of them. She’d warned him that he shouldn’t ever tell anyone what they did together because it might make some people feel jealous or angry because Tony is such a good boy for his mommy. Tony didn’t want to make anyone feel badly, so he kept his story to himself.
Mommy’s fingers continued to stroke up and down…she told him he was such a naughty boy and he wondered why his body reacted the way it did. He didn’t want her to touch him in that way but it didn’t hurt like when daddy touched him. It felt like his own body was betraying him. But Mommy’s touch was always welcomed after what Father did to him. She continued on in this way for a few minutes watching Tony grow more and more confused by his body and then she picked him up and put him in the tub.
Tony was small for his age, so she had no trouble lifting him. He wasn’t expecting the water to be ice cold and he yelped in surprise when his naked body hit the water.
“Shh don’t fight me Little Puppet, you need a bath. You’re a dirty, nasty boy, letting Mommy touch you like that. Why, it’s almost like you enjoy it when Mommy touches you in that way. You dirty, nasty boy you should be ashamed of yourself. You aren’t supposed to think about your mommy like that, you naughty boy! But you are just a little puppet and you need someone to tell you what to do, don’t you? You could never do anything on your own if Mommy and Father didn’t tell you what to do. It’s because you are a stupid, stupid little puppet. You’ll never be anything but a stupid little puppet…”
The cold water caused Tony to shiver, which made his aching body hurt worse. Coupled with Mommy’s touches and Mommy’s mean words…Tony couldn’t help himself and began to cry…
End Flashback
Tony realized that he had pulled back to the corner of the couch and his knees were hugged tight against his chest as he recounted his miserable tale. It wasn’t until he stopped speaking that he realized he’d been talking at all. His words broke off suddenly, caught in his chest, along with his air. He gasped and then a sob started to release but he bit it back, determined to be strong. Then Gibbs was moving forward. Toward him. He opened his arms and for a split second Tony felt fear, and then he felt the arms begin to close around him and he dove into the loving, safe, secure embrace. A soothing hand ran over his back and Tony stiffened for a moment"paralyzed by the pain in his mind that had been on his back before.
“Shh Tony, sok…they can’t hurt you anymore, you’re safe with me…I’m here Tony it’s alright…I am so sorry this happened to you Tony…it’s alright now…I got you now kiddo you’re safe with me…Daddy’s here…it’s ok now…shh…”
The sob finally broke loose and Tony cried pitifully, clinging desperately to his dad’s shirt. Gibbs didn’t reprimand him for it, didn’t pull away. He let Tony take from him what he needed"love, support, the ability to cling to someone stronger than himself in his moment of need"and he didn’t ask for anything in return. He was content to just be there.
Finally, Tony pulled away. He wiped a hand over his face and stared at his lap. Gibbs reached out and tapped him under the chin. Keep your chin up. Tony peeked up at his dad, part of him expecting rejection or anger at him for being such a dirty, nasty, weak boy, but a big part of him felt relieved when all he saw was sadness and concern.
“Tony listen to me. You with me?”
Tony nodded, his gaze dropping back to his lap.
“Tony look at me. Look in my eyes. This is not your fault Tony. What happened to you? It was NOT. YOUR. FAULT.”
Tony’s fingers fidgeted nervously, and his eyes wandered over the place he truly called home. His dad was sitting sideways, fully facing Tony on the couch. How could it not be his fault? He hadn’t told her to stop touching him like that! He’d gotten detention"he’d deserved everything he got!
“No…no you don’t understand, Dad,” Tony began softly. “If I hadn’t"”
“Don’t! Don’t blame yourself for this! You were a child Tony"you said it yourself, you were eight years old! This is not your fault! You hear me?”
Tony nodded, still not completely convinced.
“Is there more,” Gibbs asked him.
That was the big question. Oh yes there was more. Tons more. Did Tony want to share it with anyone? Hell no. Would Tony share it with anyone? No. Tony wouldn’t share it with just anyone. He would, however, share it with Gibbs. Gibbs was his rock in the world"the safe place he could come to whenever it all got to be too much for his tortured soul to endure. When it all got to be too big, Gibbs was there to take life on for him. Tony trusted Gibbs.
Tony. Trusted. Gibbs.
Could Tony trust Gibbs with his story? His past? Did he trust that Gibbs would still love him despite the story that he would tell this man?
Tony nodded and took a deep breath, leaning against his dad. “It happened nearly everyday,” he began…
TBC…
Chapter End Notes:
WARNING!!! In this chapter the flashback is especially disturbing. It speaks of physical and sexual abuse, which may hit close to home for some readers. I’ve marked the flashbacks clearly. Feel free to pass over them"-as long as you know Tony was abused by BOTH of his parents, the details aren’t really essential to the actual story. The flashbacks are clearly marked.