Author’s Note: Tissue Warning! ~offers the box again~
Chapter 7: The Most Loved Child In The World
It was late the next afternoon when Gibbs had finally pulled himself together enough to return to the hospital. He’d been in near constant contact with Dr. Pitt the night before"the doctor called him hourly with updates on Tony. Somewhere around sunrise in another moment of fueled anger, his cell phone had met the same demise his mason jar of bourbon had the night before.
Exhausted after hours of emotions, Gibbs awoke to find himself curled up on the floor among the debris of his grief. He raised his head and brushed a hand over his splinter covered cheek, and looked around for his phone. His gut dropped when he saw it in pieces on the floor, and he knew he had to get in touch with the hospital about Tony.
He raced up the stairs to the kitchen to grab the cordless phone off the dock. He was dialing the number for the hospital when he heard McGee’s voice coming through the front door.
“Boss?! You here? Are you okay? Ducky is worried sick!”
Gibbs met him in the hallway. “Is Tony okay? Is he alright? I have to get to the hospital!”
“Woah Gibbs stop! Waitaminute…you need to pull yourself together. Go take a shower; I’ll make you a sandwich.”
“I don’t have time to eat McGee! Tony needs me! I let him down…left him there…God I promised I’d stay with him, but I just…I had to…I had to get away…I have to go…”
Tim grabbed his arm. “Gibbs! Listen to me! No one blames you for needing to take some time! I just talked to Ducky…Tony is fine! He’s still sleeping! You need to take care of yourself Boss! Do you know how pissed Tony will be with me if he finds out I didn’t make you take care of yourself?”
Gibbs deflated a little. “You’re right. Listen McGee…make a deal with you.”
McGee narrowed his eyes. “You don’t make deals… “
Gibbs exhaled hard, exasperated. “For Tony I will make deals. Now I’ll eat… and I’ll go take a shower…if you will fix me something I can eat in the car?”
McGee smiled, his eyes were sad, but he would remain strong; he would take care of his friends…Gibbs and Tony…they were going to need so much help…not that either of them would admit to it, of course…
“Sure Gibbs,” he said quietly and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I’ll make you a sandwich. And coffee.”
Fifteen minutes later, they were in the car and Tim was driving Gibbs back to the hospital.
***
McGee was right; when they arrived at the hospital, Gibbs found Ducky tremendously concerned for him, and Tony sleeping peacefully in the intensive care unit. The ventilator was no where to be seen.
“Jethro where in God’s name have you been? You broke one of your own rules! We’ve been phoning you for hours!”
“How is he Ducky? Is Tony ok?”
“He’s doing remarkably well, Jethro. That’s the reason we’ve been calling so frantically"Dr. Pitt removed the ventilator and wanted to wake Tony up! But he assured you he wouldn’t do that without telling you first. Where the hell have you been, man?”
Gibbs let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair.
“I was at home Duck…I just…I guess I lost myself for a bit…I broke my phone…”
Ducky nodded, his face gentle with understanding. “It’s understandable dear boy,” he said. “We shouldn’t have let you be alone like that. One of us should have accompanied you. The important thing is you are here now. Tony is fine, even though you’ve been gone, and I’d wager that you needed to take a bit of time to grieve?”
Gibbs nodded silently. Then he took a deep breath. “I broke it.”
“You broke what?”
Gibbs sank into the chair next to Tony’s bed. He put his face in his hands. “I broke her cradle, Ducky…” he looked at Tony. “How do I tell him all this? He’s so excited"it took him a while to warm up to the idea but…ah God Duck…how do I break his heart like this?”
Ducky placed a hand on Gibbs’ shoulder and one on Tony’s ankle. “You tell him the truth, Jethro. Then you be there for him when he needs you,” he said simply. “I’m going to go find Bradley. He may be ready to wake our boy up.” The door clicked softly a moment later, and Gibbs and Tony were left alone.
He reached over and picked up a limp hand. “I’m here babe…I’m back now…I’m so sorry Tony…this isn’t how it was supposed to go…not at all…”
***
The Next Afternoon…
Brad had decided to leave Tony asleep until the next morning. Just after sunrise he unhooked the IV and turned the machine off.
“He’ll probably sleep for a few more hours, but then he should wake up with no problems,” he’d told Gibbs.
Dr. Pitt’s heart ached for these two. He’d read over Dr. Phillips’ charts and notes and knew how difficult their journey together had been"and that wasn’t counting the frequent unrelated scares and injuries, not to mention life threatening illness…it seemed their clouds never had a silver lining. As Tony began showing signs of waking up, Brad stuck close by, not quite hovering, but wanting to be available when it was time to tell Tony that his baby hadn’t survived. He and Gibbs had talked a lot the night before. They agreed that Gibbs should be the one to tell Tony.
“Do you want me to have funeral services come pick up the baby, Jethro?”
Gibbs shook his head. “Not yet. I want to tell Tony first. There’s a chance he’s going to want to see the baby.” Gibbs wanted to see the baby too.
“Once he’s awake and alert and you’ve told him…if he wants to see the baby I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that…it’s a good way to get closure for some people.”
Tony was waking up more now. Gibbs felt his chest constrict with anxiety…God…he didn’t want to have to do this.
Tony stirred in his sleep and Gibbs ran his hand lightly over Tony’s arm. “Babe? Tony can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?”
Tony’s eyelids fluttered but remained closed and a soft moan escaped his lips. It took another couple of hours and some gentle prodding from Jethro before Tony finally opened his eyes.
“Jet?”
“Right here honey…how do you feel?”
Tony blinked, his brain still heavy with sleep. “Mmm…sleepy,” he whispered, eyes sliding shut again.
Gibbs took a deep breath. “Wake up Tony.”
Suddenly Tony’s eyes flew open and his hand flew to his stomach. “Woah! Easy, easy,” Gibbs coached. “Don’t want you to pull any stitches loose,” he said quietly. “Do you want some water?”
Tony shook his head. “The…baby…Jet where is she? Is she ok?”
“Tony we need to talk about the baby.”
“Can I sit up a bit? I feel like I’ve been lying down for days,” Tony said quietly.
Gibbs glanced over his shoulder at Brad who was giving them some space but close by if needed. He nodded his approval for Tony to sit up. Gibbs pressed the button on the control panel in the bed and a moment later Tony was settled much more comfortably sitting more upright.
“Ok Jethro, where is she? I want to see her!” Tony’s eyes shown with excitement.
It broke Gibbs’ heart.
“Tony do you remember being attacked?”
Tony’s eyes darkened and he nodded. “Yeah…my father…we had to deliver early.”
Gibbs nodded. “Tony…the beating…well it did some damage to the placenta.”
“I thought that was why we had to go ahead and have her…”
“It is…but…once Brad got into the surgery, he realized there was even more damage than we’d first thought.”
“Gibbs. Where. Is. She? Where’s my baby?”
Gibbs sighed. Sometimes it might be easier to just rip the band-aid off instead of trying to pry it up gently. He looked at his lover, tears filling his own eyes.
“The baby didn’t make it Tony. She was dead when Brad delivered her.”
Tony looked at Gibbs for a long moment. Then he dropped his gaze to his much smaller stomach. He ran a hand over the spot where before a baby had been growing. He didn’t speak for a long time.
Finally in a pained whisper, eyes still on his lap, “she’s dead?”
Gibbs closed his eyes, forcing back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him completely.
“Yeah Tony…I’m so sorry…”
Tony looked up at Gibbs, his eyes filled with tears. “It’s my fault,” he whispered, “if I hadn’t let that doctor give me those sedatives I"”
“No!” Gibbs didn’t mean to shout, but he couldn’t stand the thought that Tony would blame himself, though he wasn’t surprised by it. “Tony it isn’t your fault. You have to believe me babe; this has nothing to do with anything you did"this would have…they would have still found a way to make it happen…” Gibbs whispered, looking straight into Tony’s eyes, even as they filled with tears.
“Is she still here? Can I see her? Would that be alright?” No one commented on how Tony’s voice cracked when he spoke.
Gibbs motioned to Brad with his head. “I’ll go get her for you Tony,” Brad said quietly. Tony nodded. His lower lip was quivering just slightly and his fingers were fussing nervously with the blanket. Gibbs sat on the edge of Tony’s bed and looked at him. He stilled Tony’s hands with his own.
“I love you. We’ll get all this figured out Tony…we’ll make the bastards pay…but we have to do it together Tony…please honey…please don’t shut me out here. I love you so much, Tony.”
Tony looked at him. “I love you too Jethro,” he whispered.
Both heads turned toward the door when it opened. Brad entered quietly, carrying a small bundle wrapped in a soft pink blanket. Tony’s eyes filled with tears again and shaking hands reached out to hold his child for the first time.
Brad gently placed the little baby in Tony’s arms and he snuggled her close. Her body was cool and a little bit stiff, but Tony didn’t care. He stared in awe at this child…downy soft blond hair coated her head, her nose looked like Jethro’s and her chin looked like Tony’s. She shared their high cheekbones and her limbs were long and lean…just likes her daddies’…he knew under the closed eyelids were the most brilliant, expressive eyes"blue or green"that anyone would have ever seen…
“Look at her Jethro,” Tony cooed, “she’s amazing…”
Gibbs sat on the side of the bed and leaned against the mattress beside Tony. It was all Gibbs could do to look at her. But he also found he couldn’t look at anything else.
Tony carefully unwrapped her from the blanket and lay her down on her back between his legs. He carefully counted each of her fingers and each of her toes. He ran his hands over her tummy and her arms. He carefully fingered a foot, running a thumb up the bottom of one. Then he wrapped her back up and snuggled her in close to his chest again.
“She’s beautiful, Brad,” he whispered, almost reverently.
Brad’s shoulders tightened. He would not cry. Not until he was back in his office with the door closed anyway. “She is beautiful Tony,” he whispered.
“You wanna hold her, Jet?”
Gibbs shook his head. “I’ll hold her when you’re finished,” he said quietly, his voice rough with emotion.
The door opened and Ducky and Abby came in quietly.
“Tony!” Abby squealed, “you’re awake!” Then she saw what was in Tony’s arms. “Aww…is that her Tony? Can I see her?”
Tony nodded, his movements shaky and jerky. Tears were already beginning to slide down his cheeks as the reality set in. His baby was dead. His baby was dead. Abby sat on Tony’s other side and smiled sadly at him. He held the baby away from his chest a bit, showing off his beautiful child to his best friend. Ducky approached quietly behind Abby.
“She’s quite lovely, Anthony. You and Jethro certainly produce beautiful children.”
“They’re two hot guys Duckman! How could they not?!” Abby exclaimed.
Their gazes returned to Tony when they realized he hadn’t responded. Tony was holding his daughter close, still touching her fingers and toes through the blanket, running a finger down the curve of her nose, whispering softly to her, tears pouring down his cheeks. Gibbs wrapped his arm around Tony’s shoulders and pulled him in close. He pressed a kiss to Tony’s temple and ran a hand over the baby’s soft hair.
The moment was so beautiful…despite the morbidity of it, Abby couldn’t resist taking a picture of the small, broken family. The digital camera blinked and she viewed the picture. She knew it was likely the only one of their family they’d ever have.
Tony looked at Jethro. “Jet…can we…I mean I know maybe it’s silly but…can we have a funeral for her? I mean I know she didn’t even…but I think…I think it would be good…to…you know, have one…can we?”
The insecurity of Tony’s tone would be Gibbs’ undoing, he feared. He pressed another silent kiss to Tony’s temple. “Of course, I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he said, a couple of tears escaping.
Ducky touched Abby’s shoulder. “Abigail I think we should let them alone for a bit. We should go be with the others.” Abby nodded and stood up. She pressed a kiss to Tony’s cheek and one to Gibbs’. Then she leaned over and kissed the tiny baby. “You are the most loved child in the world, little one,” she said, and a couple of tears escaped her own eyes. Together she and Ducky quietly left the room, leaving the broken little family alone.
TBC
Author’s Note: I did warn you that you’d need tissues… ~Offers a box~ Please don’t hate me! The ending is happy!!
Chapter End Notes:
*offers box of tissues* You're gonna need it.