Chapter 9: Putting One Foot In Front of the Other
The days passed slowly. Tony was slowly improving. But he refused to talk about the baby in the past tense, and he refused to get out of bed. Gibbs crawled up in bed behind Tony, spooning up to his now thin body. He ran a hand reassuringly up and down Tony’s arm before gently draping his arm around Tony’s middle. They lay like that for a long time until one of the nurses came in.
“Tony you need to turn over,” she said quietly.
Tony didn’t make any attempt to move, instead snuggled into his pillow. “I’m too tired,” he said quietly.
Gibbs got up and moved to the other side of the bed.
“C’mon Tony, you need to turn over, or you’re going to get an infection. Doc says you got to rotate. Flip over and I’ll get back in bed with you.”
With a lot of effort, Tony finally managed to turn over. Even the slightest activity was nearly too much for his body, and he immediately dropped into sleep afterwards. Gibbs crawled back in behind him and resumed their former position, though he didn’t sleep. He couldn’t help but worry…Tony wasn’t bouncing back from this at all. Gibbs expected him to be sad, but not to give up living.
Dr. Pitt was concerned"he technically needed his patient up and walking around before he could release him. As it was, getting Tony to turn over in bed was enough of a challenge. He called Ducky and told him what he’d observed and asked him what he thought. Ducky agreed and after speaking for a few more minutes a plan was in place and Dr. Pitt hung up the phone. Time to put the plan in play.
“Gibbs can I talk to you a minute?”
Gibbs got up off the bed and looked at his sleeping partner. Tony’s arms were wrapped around his middle and his face was turned down toward the mattress slightly. Gibbs sighed. It seemed all Tony did was sleep and cry, sometimes simultaneously. They hadn’t even been able to get him to eat successfully now in over a day.
“I want to send him home,” Brad started.
Gibbs blinked in surprise. “Really? You think he’s ready?”
“I don’t think he’s ready at all, but I don’t think keeping him here is the answer either,” Brad responded. “He’s not going to get any better here,” he stated. “If we keep him here, I’m afraid he’s going to grieve himself to death. There’s nothing to distract him here.”
“Don’t think he wants any distractions,” Gibbs said softly.
“No but at home he will have more opportunities for activity than he does here. And it will help him get back on a normal schedule. I spoke with Ducky and he agrees with me. I’m going to send him home tomorrow. I can come by your home and do checkups on him there, and Ducky said he would help as well.”
Gibbs nodded. “You’re the expert here. I want to do whatever is best for Tony. If that means taking him home, well then we’ll try it.”
Brad nodded. He hoped he was right.
***
Gibbs put his whole heart and soul into taking care of Tony. He took him outside each day, fixed him healthy meals that appealed to Tony’s nonexistent appetite, watched movies with him, and spent lots of time with him. Tony had stopped crying, though Gibbs thought he preferred the tears to this empty shell of a man that was with him now. Tony didn’t speak much, didn’t laugh ever, and barely made it from one day to the next.
It seemed as though Tony had simply given up.
One afternoon, Gibbs sat on the back porch steps with Tony between his knees facing the backyard. He ran his hands down over Tony’s arms, hugging him close.
“Tony, babe you gotta fight this. You have to get better.”
Tony shook his head weakly, tears finally spilling down his cheeks, “don’t wanna,” he whimpers.
Gibbs was taken aback. “You don’t want to get better Tony?”
Tony looked up at him, “I want to get better, want to be with you, but the baby…Jet I miss her so much! I miss my baby; I just want to be with my baby.”
It was the first time Tony had admitted to anyone that he realized the baby was gone, and verbally acknowledged the fact that he missed her and wanted to be with her. Gibbs knew this was important; he knew he had to get this right.
Gibbs cupped his hands around Tony’s face, thumbs catching his tears. “I already lost my first wife, my first child and now my second child. Tony…please Tony, don’t make me lose you too. Don’t think I can handle it if something was to happen to you.”
Tony stared at Gibbs, a shocked expression on his face as though he hadn’t considered that before. The look on his face made Gibbs think he’d finally gotten through to him. “Ok,” he finally whispered.
“Ok? That mean you’ll get better?”
Tony smiled before a yawn overtook him.
“Means I’ll try, Jet. I’ll try.”
Gibbs presses a kiss to his forehead. “That’s all I ask babe. All I ask.”
It was a step in the right direction.
***
Before the funeral, Tony and Gibbs decided they wanted to have their daughter baptized. Gibbs knew a pastor of a local Lutheran church. The pastor of that church was known in the community for his acts of kindness, acceptance and love toward everyone he encountered. Gibbs knew this man would be the perfect person to not only baptize their child, but to perform the funeral service as well.
“Pastor Wilson? Hi it’s Jethro Gibbs. You got a minute?…Yeah I need a favor…”
Pastor Wilson agreed wholeheartedly to help this family traverse through this tragic experience. He gathered at the funeral parlor with Tony, Gibbs, Abby, Ducky, McGee, Kate and Jenny the day before the funeral. He poured water into the baptismal font and recited scripture. He spoke of being a child of God and what a special gift that was. He spoke of entering into the fold with the Good Shepherd. He spoke of Christ’s tears and how he wept at the death of his loved ones.
Pastor Wilson held the baby gently in one arm; the other hand’s fingers just barely skimmed the edge of the water.
“By baptizing this child we are reminded of our own baptisms and we are reminded that we are Children of God. Tesora Angelina DiNozzo-Gibbs I baptize you in the name of the father,” he laid water on her head, “the Son,” he laid more water on her head, “and the Holy Spirit,” and laid water on her head a final time. He crossed the child and those in attendance crossed themselves. “Amen,” they all whispered together. Tony squeezed Jethro’s hand and smiled, ever so slightly.
For the first time since this whole hellish ordeal began, Gibbs finally thought things might eventually be okay.
***
The funeral was a quiet affair. It was in high attendance by some very important people, but Gibbs didn’t care and neither did Tony. They wore crisp black suits and together carried their child’s coffin into the church. They sat together on the front row, Tony leaning hard on Gibbs, Gibbs’ arm firm around his shoulders, unmoving.
When the service was over, McGee and Palmer carried the coffin out followed by Gibbs and Tony. Tony’s eyes were watery and weary, but he didn’t sob and he didn’t speak. Jethro’s silence was stony; a mask of strength that was easy to see through. One hit to the mask would remove it completely.
After the graveside service, Jenny had offered her home as the spot for the reception to be held. Tony and Gibbs mingled and Gibbs thanked people for coming. They shook hands and accepted condolences, but never left arm’s reach of the other. Tony never said a word. Some of the people were concerned"this brazen, outgoing, fun-loving man was so quiet and out of character"toward the end of the event people began asking whether or not Tony was alright, if he was “on something” and wondering out loud if he would ever bounce back.
Gibbs overheard some of the stinging comments and figured it was time to leave. He turned and saw Jenny and Tony sitting together on the couch. Jenny was telling Tony something and Tony was staring into his untouched drink. She put a hand on his shoulder and he nodded slightly. She scooted a little bit closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Gibbs decided to investigate.
“Everyone alright over here?” He joined the two at the couch.
Tony nodded. “Jenny was telling me about her son, Jet,” he said quietly.
Gibbs looked at Jenny, shocked. “You never said…”
“I was in England on assignment when it happened. I gave birth to a son who was stillborn. I told Tony if he needed anyone to talk to besides you that he could always come to me. My door is open to both of you if you want or need it.”
Tony looked up at Gibbs from where he was sitting on the couch. “Can we go home,” he asked quietly. He had dark circles under his eyes and his shoulders were drooping wearily under the strain of the day. Tony was doing much better physically, but he still got tired so easily; Gibbs was surprised he made it as long as he did.
“Sure,” Gibbs responded, equally quietly. They thanked Jenny for her hospitality and for her support and moved to make a quiet exit.
As they were leaving, Abby called out to them. “Guys! Wait a minute!” She rushed over to them. “I have something for you, only I’m not sure it’s something you’re really gonna want, but I wanted to offer it to you anyways and if you don’t want it you can just give it back to me and I’ll keep it ok?”
Tony just looked at her and didn’t say anything. Gibbs sighed softly. “Sure Abs. What ya got?”
Abby reached into her bag and pulled out a small picture frame. It wasn’t large, only a 4 x 6 and the frame was sterling silver with the word “beloved” engraved into it. Gibbs reached out and took the frame from Abby, his breath catching in his throat when he looked at the picture it held.
“Oh Abs…”
Tears spilled from Tony’s eyes and with one arm he reached out and pulled Abby into a hug, and with the other hand he and Gibbs held the photograph of his family up so they could take a better look at it.
“Look at us Jet,” he said, “we were such a beautiful family,” before he could say more, sobs cut off his words. Gibbs pulled him close, the picture hugged in between them. Abby bit her lower lip.
“I didn’t mean to upset you Tony-boy. I just thought"”
After a few moments, Tony pulled back from Jethro and pulled Abby in close and kissed her forehead. “It’s perfect Abs…absolutely perfect. Thank you.”
Tony carefully tucked the picture into the breast pocket of his suit coat and together he and Jethro left, Abby waving behind them.
***
The evening after the funeral, Tony and Gibbs sat in the front porch swing. Tony leaned his head on Gibbs’ shoulder and sighed heavily. The photograph was still in his hands. Gibbs didn’t think he’d put it down since Abby had given it to them.
“I’m sorry,” Tony said quietly.
Gibbs puts his arm around Tony’s thin shoulders and squeezed him affectionately. “Don’t apologize Tony.”
“Sign of weakness, I know. I’m still sorry though.”
“Tony after everything that’s happened, it’s not a sign of weakness, it’s just not necessary. What happened was not your fault. None of this is your fault. Don’t shoulder the blame, love. It’s not yours to take.”
“But you wanted children Jet! I wasn’t strong enough to"”
Gibbs cuffed him lightly on the back of the head. “Hey! None of that. You are the strongest man I know! You’ve lived through things that would have killed anyone else. Your father attacked you while you were unconscious and unable to protect yourself. If it’s either of our faults it’s mine because I wasn’t there to have your six.”
“Gibbs listen to me. Pitt did a hysterectomy.”
“I know that Tony.”
“Then you understand that if you stay with me you’ll never be able to father a child. I can’t give you that anymore Jet! I want to; I tried, I’m so sorry,” he broke down into tears then; damn these hormones, “I’m so sorry.”
Gibbs held Tony close while he cried and waited until he’d calmed a bit before trying to speak to him. “Listen to me Tony. Are you listening?”
Tony nodded.
“Look I won’t lie to you. I would love the chance to be a father again.”
Several tears dripped from Tony’s eyes. “But if I had to choose between having a baby and having you…Tony you’re gonna win every time. I love you! I loved you before we knew you could have children; I love you now that it’s not possible anymore, and I will love you until the day we die and beyond. You’re it for me Tony. You’re all I need.”
Tony looked up at him through watery eyes and almost smiled. “Really?” he asked shyly. Gibbs nodded and chuckled. “You’re too thickheaded for your own good sometimes Tony.”
Tony leaned his head back on Gibbs’ shoulder. He looked at the picture. “I miss her Jet,” he said quietly. “I only knew her for a short time, and not even when I could hold her, but I could tell you everything about her. I love her so much.”
Gibbs rubbed his hand up and down Tony’s arm and pulled him closer. “I know babe. Me too. Me too.”
They sat on the swing for a long time each thinking silently on what might have been, grateful for the presence of the other one.
TBC
Chapter End Notes:
Angst ahead, some tissues may be required. Religious references