Gibbs didn't know how long he had been in here when he finally awoke. He knew that Tim's funeral would be soon if he hadn't already missed it. Gibbs hurt all over inside and out. He loved Tim more than his own life. He would never forgive himself if he missed Tims funeral. His heart and soul were shattered. The emptiness inside hurt more than it ever had. Gibbs disturbed the man that was sleeping next to him.
Waking up Justin looked into Gibbs eyes and say the despair that lay within him.
Before Gibbs could say anything, Justin reached up and caressed his cheek.
“Who are you? Where am I?” Gibbs asked his voice cracking as he tried to reign in his emotions.
“ Your at Betheny hospital and your in the psych. Ward. My name is Justin Willard. I am a nurse here. As to why your here is because when you got to your lovers room and found that he had died, you collapsed and threatened to end your own life. The doctors thought it best not to take any chances.”
“How long have I been in here?”
“Three days. When they sedated you it must have had an effect on your system because you have been out cold since then. We couldn't wake you. So we let you sleep. Are you feeling better now sir.” Justin asked concern in his voice.
“Where are my friends? Do they know Tim is dead?”
“Sir no one was with you or showed up after you did. As for your friends I have no clue as to whom they are or how to get ahold of them.”
“You know my name so please tell me yours?” Justin asked.
“Jethroe. Gibbs. Leroy Jethroe Gibbs.”
“Leroy do you have any family I can contact to let them know where you are?”
“Please call me Jethroe. No there isn't. My fathers still alive but he doesn't know about me and Tim. It would be better that it comes from me and I won't tell him in a place like this.”
“Would you like to tell me more about your Timothy? When you were sleeping you talked to and about him. I got the impression that he was a very special man.”
“He was. He had strength that didn't show. He had a beauty about him that was amazing. When he loved someone it was all. He didn't love people half way. He held nothing back and he judged no one. He loved me for me and who I am. I loved his soul, his heart, his mind, and his body. Never have I meant a more kind, caring, loving, man in my life. He didn't care that we were both straight and that I have three ex-wives. He loved me unconditionally and I loved him. He would have given his life for a friend, lover, or stranger. Yet I feel like I wasn't good enough for him. He was abused and raped. He was brutalized, hated by his own father for a rape that was committed against him when he was sixteen. Now just a few short months ago the same thing happened. Only this time the bastards taped it and put it out on the net for his friends and family and the whole world to see his humiliation, his rape, the taking of his manhood. These bastards did their best to destroy him and now they have. After seeing what was done to him plastered over the internet he decided to kill himself. Thats why he was here. He slipped into a coma and died. I wasn't able to protect the man I loved. Hell I was barely able to tell him how much I loved him and wanted and needed him in my life. He filled an emptiness inside of me that has been there since my first wife and child were murdered.
I didn't care that Tim was a man. Hell he was more of a man than me in a lot of ways. I just knew that I loved him with all my heart and soul. Now he's gone and I will never get to hold him in my arms again or kiss him or make love to him for the first time. I have lost everything because of those bastards.” Gibbs said tears rolling down his cheeks.
Justin gently brushed the tears away. “I lost my brother and lover to suicide. My lover was raped just like your Tim and he couldn't handle it. One day while I was at work he got naked, slipped into the bathtub and slit his jugular vein. That same day my brother found out he had AIDS and he stepped in front of a bus. They were my world. Now I have that same emptiness inside that you have Jethroe.” Tears falling from Justins eyes as he remembered their faces and smiles.
They sat there for awhile just being with each other. No words were spoken just simple touches exchanged. Justin leaned forward and gently kissed Jethroe. No words were spoken but the light began to shine in both men's eyes.
“Jethroe I need to tend to my rounds, will you be okay till I get back?”
“ I think so. I will probably just sleep for a bit longer.” Jethroe said closing his eyes and falling into a gently restful sleep.
Justin kissed him one last time and left to do his rounds.
Gibbs dreams were filled with Tim and Justin. Gibbs knew that if Tim had ever meant the gentle man he would have fallen for him, just like Gibbs had fallen for Tim.
Gibbs had never really seen himself with Tim. He knew that like all his relationships before this one would have ended badly for him. He knew that eventually Tim would have left him just like all his ex-wives had and that he couldn't and wouldn't blame the young man for leaving. He still didn't understand what Tim saw in him. Or why he would even want Gibbs. Hell he was twice the kids age. Yet he knew that deep down Tim loved him more than life. He wished with all his heart Tim could have meant Justin. He knew that his Tim would have loved him. Gibbs heart went out to the younger man. Losing the two men in his life that meant so much to him on the same day and in the same way. How horrible that must be? Justin was in a lot of pain even though he hid it well. He had seen it in the younger mans eyes.
Gibbs sleep was restless and yet gentle. He never woke up and yet was not plagued by nightmares.
“It's alright Jethroe. It's going to be alright. I'm here now.”
“ I know your here Tim. I just wish.....” Gibbs didn't finish as he woke up to find Justin looking into his eyes.
“You were dreaming. It sounded like it was a really good dream and that you were back with Tim. Were you?”
“Actually yes and no. I was there with him but only to say goodbye so that the two of you could be together and have a wonderful life.”
“Jethroe Tim loved you not me. Why he never even meant me?”
“I know Justin, but in my dream you two did meet, fall in love, and you two became lovers.”
“Where were you?”
“I gave Tim up freely, even though it broke my heart and tortured my soul.”
“Why would you give up the man you love?”
“Because I knew that I couldn't make him happy. That no matter how much I loved him he would leave me. This way I still got to love him and you. I wouldn't have to decide on either one of you.”
“Why don't you think you could have made Tim happy? I just don't understand.”
“Because none of my relationships last. No matter how hard I try they still wind up leaving me.”
“ Didn't you tell me earlier, that Tim filled that emptiness inside you?”
“Yes.”
“Then what gives you the right to tell him he can't have the man he loves. Did you stop to think that maybe that filling the hole inside you, you might have just filled the emptiness inside of him. When that happens you don't ask why you just go with it. He loved you with everything, his heart, his soul, his body, his mind, he left nothing for himself. Don't you think its selfish of you to deny him the chance for happiness with the one man that fills his soul, his heart with love, don't you?”
“Yes your right I was being selfish. I didn't think about him only about me. I chose to look at the negatives and not the positives. I just hope he, and you can forgive me?”
“Jethroe on my part there is nothing to forgive. I am flattered that you think so highly of me that you would want to give Tim up so that he might choose to be with me. But I think that would be a choice that Tim would have to make on his own. Since he can't then why even think about it”
“Your right Justin. I think I will drop the subject now. How about you?”
“Sounds like a good idea to me.”
The two men continued to talk. Finally Gibbs fell asleep with out realizing it. Justin kissed Jethroe goodnight and turned out the light.
Laying his head on Jethroes chest he listened to the older man's heartbeat. “Leroy Jethroe Gibbs you are one very special man. Tim was lucky to have had you. You were lucky to have such a wonderful man. I only hope that I can be as lucky as the two of you were and find someone who is that special to me and loves me the way you two loved each other. Maybe someday. Goodnight Jethroe. If you weren't grieving over your loss I would fall in love with you myself. Thank you for giving me back my heart Jethroe and you as well Tim, where ever you may be. Count yourself lucky to have had this special man in your life. I know I do.” He fell asleep laying on Gibbs chest. Little did Justin know that Gibbs had heard every word he said.
“I am truly lucky to have known you Timothy McGee and even more lucky to have had the opportunity to love a man such as you. I hope that where ever you are you have finally found true peace, love, and happiness that you so richly deserve. You don't know how many people your kindness has touched. Your NCIS family loves you with all their hearts. As I loved you. You are my world, my heart, my soul. Thank you for giving me the most precious gift of all, your love. I will forever love you and carry you in my heart. Thank you for loving me. I don't say this often but I hope and pray that your with Shannon and Kelly and you all three look down on me and let your combined love fill the emptiness inside me. Never has a man been so richly blessed as me to have three amazing people love him like you all have. Thank you and with all my heart I love you all. I know now that God does truly work and love in mysterious ways.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs finally realizes what the loss of Tim has cost him.