Tim laid there after Gibbs had left his eyes closed just listening. He was able to hear most of the conversation with Director Vance and he wondered how long it would take for the rest of the team to know. He knew that he was in a way relieved but in another he was horrified to know that the people he trusted and cared about would know about his humiliation. What would they think of him. They would know how weak he was. Hell he couldn't even take care of himself. He let his emotions get the better of him and he wound up raped,tortured, beaten, and completely humiliated. His father was right. He was weak, no good, hell he even deserved this. If he couldn't protect himself then how was he supposed to protect others. In the middle of a big important case he had run away all because he couldn't handle the truth. Did they save that little girl or did the bastard get away once again? Did they find him or did they spend time trying to find him instead of that bastard that hurt kids. He couldn't live with himself if another child got hurt because of him. These thoughts haunted him even while he slept. He knew that if another child had died because of him he would resign NCIS no matter how much it meant to him. He couldn't take another failure in his life. He know that they would all blame him if that had happened. He knew he could never look Gibbs in the eyes again. Just the thought of how that man suffered when a child was lost hurt or killed made McGee realize he didn't belong there if he couldn't help them save another child. I always wanted to be part of something to do someone good with his life. Heaven knows he's screwed up his life enough. All his life he felt alone and worthless. Being part of NCIS he felt like he had a chance at being part of something bigger than himself and a computer. Now this. I know that after this I will never be part of the team again. As soon as I am well enough I am going to resign. Gibbs doesn't need someone useless on his team. I'm going to be nothing but a hindrance to the team. Gibbs wont even notice I'm gone none of them will. If it hadn't been for that kid at the place they were holding me Gibbs wouldn't even know where I was or if I was alive. Not that he really cares. Not that any of them really care. Why should they, I'm clumsy, worthless, practically useless to them. I ran out on them when they needed me most. Why would they want me back. I don't even know why Gibbs chose me for his team. He could have picked anyone so why me?
McGee was so lost in his own thoughts he didn't notice Gibbs watching his face and seeing what he was thinking. What he saw on Tim's face broke his heart. He knew McGee was beating himself up over what happened he just didn't realize how bad it was going to be. Gibbs realized that it was going to take a lot of work to help Tim get over this and to feel a part of the team again. He just wasn't sure how he would convince his youngest agent that he was worth something and wasn't useless or worthless to the team.
Gibbs watched silently as the tears fell from McGee's eyes. He knew how much he was hurting and yet was helpless to do anything to comfort him. Instead he just squeezed his hand. McGee hadn't realized Gibbs was there at his side until he felt him squeeze his hand. Turning his eyes to him “I'm sorry Boss I didn't mean to run out on you and the team. Did you get the guy before he hurt another child?” he croaked.
Even before Gibbs could answer Tim saw it in his eyes. “I'm sorry Boss I screwed up bad this time. I know it. I don't even know why your bothering with me. That kid died because of me.” Tim whispered as the tears he had tried to hold back fell even harder. He couldn't even look at Gibbs now. Turning his head he didn't see the look of horror on Gibbs face at McGee's statement. Gibbs new he had to do something and quick before he lost Tim all together. He was going to a dark place and Gibbs didn't know if he would be able to bring him back or keep him from going there. He desperately needed to talk to Ducky without Tim knowing what they were talking about. It would only hurt the young man more. He didn't know what to say to comfort McGee. The words failed Gibbs as he sat and listened to McGee's soft sobs.
His body wracked with pain and his mind scarred from the abuse. All he could think about was the child's family and the fact that he may have caused the child's death. How can I face the family? What can I say to make amends? There is nothing I can do to bring the child back. My God what have I done...? Tim thought as he laid there slowly crying himself to sleep. His last thought was “ Why did I live and that child die?”
Gibbs sat holding his hand seeing the anguish on his face. Not knowing what else to do he leaned down and gently kissed his forehead. “It's all right Tim. You didn't cause that child's death in fact if it wasn't for you we might not have found him and her. You did nothing wrong.” Gibbs watched as McGee slowly cried himself to sleep. He knew that Tim wasn't the kind of man that could just brush this off. Like so many people thought he could and did. Every time a case involving a child came up it just reminded him of what he lost. It hurt more and more and seeing Tim tear himself apart just made this one hurt all the more.
McGee fell asleep leaving Gibbs alone with his thoughts when suddenly his phone rang.
“Gibbs”
“ It's me Jethroe, I have my people in place and the evidence is on it way to my guy at Quentico. I just thought I would give you a heads up. Is there anything else I can do for you?” Fornell asked.
“There is one more thing you can do for me. I need to talk to Vance and Ducky and this is something I don't want to do here.”
“ Whats the room number?”
Gibbs gave him the room number and it was only a couple of minutes before Fornell walked thru the door.
“Thanks Fornell. I wanted someone with him in case he wakes up that he knows. The poor kid is tearing himself apart about this and the case we just closed the child killer. He seems to think he is responsible for the last child's death.”
“I'll stay with him Gibbs.”
“Thanks and if anything changes before I get back call me.”
“ I will. That boy of yours is one hell of a fighter. He's a good man and a good agent. When they were looking to throw me under the bus, the kid really came threw for me. I appreciate all he's done.”
Gibbs left without another word. Silently closing the door, he walked to the elevator doing his best to keep his emotions in check. When the doors opened he stepped in and waited for them to shut. For just a couple of minutes he needed and wanted to be alone. For the first time since Shannon and Kelly's deaths he was uncertain of himself. He knew how he felt about Tim, but after all that had happened to him would he even want him to touch him let alone be intimate with him. Then there's Stephenson. What was going threw that young Doctors mind. Sure he was handsome and a successful Doctor but what interest did he have in his agent or himself for that matter. Did he know something that the two of them didn't know or hadn't realized yet?
As his mind raced, he fought to control his anger and rage. He wanted nothing more than to hurt whoever did this to McGee. He also knew that when Tony and Ziva found out about this that there would be no stopping the Masad agent. She thought of McGee as a little brother and the world be dammed if someone hurt him. Tony felt the same but not as protective as Ziva. Then theirs Abby she would come apart when she found out. The longer he kept it from them the harder it would be when they found out and he knew they would find out somehow someway. For now he had to come up with a reason why McGee and himself would be out of action for awhile while Tim healed and started the recovery process. He knew that this was going to take a long time for Tim to feel safe again and not fear being touched even by the men in his life that really truly cared for him. Especially himself. He just hoped that it didn't destroy McGee.
The dinging of the elevator announcing his arrival at his destination brought Gibbs out of his thoughts. So lost in his thoughts Gibbs didn't notice the two pairs of eyes watching him. They didn't notice each other. One pair belonged to Stephenson and the other to the officer from earlier. Stephenson stayed in the shadows watching Gibbs departure, just as he was about to turn and leave thats when the local deputy moved catching his eye. Staying hidden in the shadows Stephenson watched as the deputy moved into the light and into his car to leave. Watching the deputy leave Stephenson got a sudden chill up and down his spine. “Could the deputy have something to do with the rapes and what happened to the agent. I better let Gibbs know about this maybe it will help or he will tell me to mind my own business. Either way its suspicious. Stephenson thought, turning to go back in and check on his patient.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs words hurt Tim and now he is caught in a nightmare he doesn't know if he will wake from.