SCORNED - Chapter Three
McGee was now hovering over Tony and it was unnerving him…he knew McGee wanted to talk but he didn’t…he just wanted to finish his report and go home. Tony stopped typing and turned toward him and said, “What?” making no effort to hide his irritation. McGee said, “Sorry Tony…I just wanted you to review my conclusions, Gibbs said I put in too much technical jargon in my reports.” Tony shook his head and said, “Give me five minutes, I’m almost done then I’ll take a look…okay…now move and let me finish.”
McGee said, “Thanks Tony,” as returned to his desk and double checked the evident list to kill time. Tony completed the list before he started his report and it was flawless as usual…McGee marveled at his recall and thoroughness. He was constantly throwing his degrees in Tony’s face but he couldn’t do half the stuff he did to wrap a case.
Gibbs had opened their briefing saying, “Aircraft Carriers are the centerpiece of the U. S. Navy called upon to protect American interests around the world and no one has the right to ever disrespect their station or undermine their mission.” “We’ve got drug smugglers on the Seahawk that may have involved one of our own.”
Naval personnel smuggling drugs aboard a Carrier pissed him off. Everything about the case pissed him off…and the fact that a dead NCIS Agent Afloat was looking more and more involved didn’t help. And he had been killed in what now looked like a very suspicious freak accident. Tony hated cases involving drugs and drug dealers they usually turned out messy.
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They were walking toward the helicopter and all of a sudden Tony felt like he had been kicked in the gut. His time as Agent Afloat had only lasted a few months but it felt like forever to him...he liked his feet placed firmly on dry land. He equated the Seahawk with punishment, his punishment for a bad judgment call, even though it wasn’t entirely his call to make, he was following Director Shepard’s orders, orders that turned out to be her last before she was killed in a shootout. A shootout that shouldn’t have happened…had happened and Jenny died as a result.
Why Jenny called Gibbs’ mentor and former Boss, Mike Franks still puzzled him.
Why not him he was right there? Why not Gibbs?
Ziva wanted to disobey Jenny’s order to stand-down from the beginning, she wanted to follow her instincts but he fought against it until it was too late. And that decision had landed him in the middle of a vast ocean where he sometimes felt like he was drowning in the guilt and completely alone. That had overwhelmed him but he had to do it…Tony didn’t have a choice if he wanted to remain a Federal Agent with NCIS.
Gibbs and everyone else even Ziva kept saying ‘it wasn’t his fault’ everyone except Director Leon Vance. Vance held him personally responsible even though he assured Gibbs is wasn’t punishment…it sure as hell felt like it was to Tony.
Almost all the memories that had plagued him for so long…the ones he thought had almost dissipated except for an occasional reoccurring nightmare. 'He would see himself pressing a gun to Jenny’s temple and pulling the trigger.' Over the last few years they had reared their ugly heads from time to time but at least he wasn’t waking from them covered in sweat, shaking and barely able to breathe. They were at a manageable level or at least they had been until he was approaching the massive transport helicopter with the rest of Gibbs’ team heading for the Seahawk.
The image flashed in his mind and all the guilt flared-up inside him.
Everything that happened prior to the Agent Afloat assignment came rushing back. And if that wasn’t enough, he was remembering every detail of his time as Agent Afloat that made him miserable. He remembered how much he had hated the constant roaring sound that assaulted his ears. He remembered how much he hated being the only cop on a floating city of over five thousand without any backup, even though he had been lucky for the most part.
There were fights one of which landed him in sickbay for a couple days, a stabbing during an unauthorized poker game, numerous drunk and disorderly cases every time they stopped at a port, a doctor just a little too willing to dispense pain killers for his taste and a few other minor infractions during the four months making it a vitally uneventful tour of duty…except for an occasional panic attack.
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Tony was approaching the landing strip when he stopped dead in his tracks freezing in mid-stride. He closed his eyes against the onslaught of memories that threatened to completely overwhelm him. He could feel the anxiety inside him building steadily even after all this time. He zoned out and stared blankly at the helicopter and swayed slightly as a wave of dizziness made his head spin. He grimaced and mumbled to himself, ‘Shit, get a grip DiNozzo,’ as his heart rate accelerated and his breathing hitched. He knew the signs all too well; he was heading for a full-blown panic attack…right there in front of Gibbs, Ziva, McGee and everyone else standing there…waiting for them to board.
Tony tried to focus on the present as he inwardly screamed again ‘DiNozzo get a grip dammit,’ as he pushed himself to shake the feelings assaulting his brain in rapid fire and tried to make himself move forward but he still couldn’t move.
McGee’s hand on his shoulder was a welcomed distraction that snapped him out of the darkness about to consume him. McGee said, “Tony you okay.” Tony slowly opened his eyes to see the concerned looks on the faces of his teammates, even Gibbs as they surrounded him and blocked the view of the other bystanders.
Gibbs expression and easy tone was unexpected but welcome he didn’t think he could handle anything else…like one of his usual angry responses. He shook his head attempting to clear it. Gibbs stepped directly in front of him and grabbed both his shoulders as he said, “You with us DiNozzo?” without any hint of anger.
Tony nodded unable to swallow the lump in his throat. Ziva handed him a bottled-water and said, “Breathe Tony and take slow sips.” Tony felt like a fool but he did as instructed as Gibbs released him. Gibbs said, “Ziva, McGee go ahead and board.” When they hesitated slightly, Gibbs barked, “Now!”
Gibbs then reached out and grabbed Tony arms to steady him as both McGee and Ziva reluctantly did as ordered. He said, “DiNozzo talk to me, what’s going on with you?” “Why didn’t you say something in the elevator.” Tony took a deep breath and said, “Sorry Boss, I’m fine now let’s go,” as Gibbs gave him a skeptical look and said, “DiNozzo?” Tony said, “Really Boss I’m fine, we’ll talk I promise I’ll explain everything, just not now, please,” as he snapped himself out of the anguish that was claiming him.
Gibbs said, “Ok Tony, for now.” They put on their flight helms and walked across the short distance to board the helicopter. Tony nodded at McGee and Ziva before he took his seat and closed his eyes.
Gibbs had been worrying about Tony for a while, he wasn’t acting like himself but he knew pushing him for answers right now would be just as futile as it was back in the elevator a few days ago. Tony was stubborn and independent, he wasn’t use to asking for help or accepting it. He was usually able to work through his own problems but whatever was bother him now was too much. His best friend Abby couldn’t even break through the armor.
DiNozzo remembered the last time this happened to him. He had only been on the Seahawk for five days, when he heard a fight break out in the passageway right outside his quarters. He had to break up the fight and maintain order that was part of his job after all.
The seamen were both out for blood and they both outweighed him by a good twenty or thirty pounds maybe more and he was on his on with no backup around. They had both slammed his into the bulkhead more than once trying to get to the other before he got pissed and remembered every move Gibbs taught him to take down a bigger opponent.
The sore ribs and mild concussion he received rattled him. He wondered who’s bright idea it was to put one cop in a city of five thousand…he had to handle this himself.
While the two seamen were being carried to sickbay he ducked back into his quarters. His head was throbbing but he figured it was no big deal…when he reached back to check his head he felt the wet spot. He looked at his blood covered hand and suddenly the realization of how alone he was set off a really bad panic attack. The fact that he was outnumbered overwhelmed him and he hyperventilated himself into state of unconsciousness.
Luckily he was found after he didn’t report to sick bay. He was on the floor of his quarters unconscious and bleeding from a gash in the back of his head a result of connecting with the bulkhead. When he came around after what he guessed was a few minute with an oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth, the doctor said, “Agent DiNozzo you with me…this won’t require too many staples.” DiNozzo whispered, “Call me Tony,” and closed his eyes.
Tony woke up in sickbay the next day. The doctor determined that the unconsciousness was caused by the concussion but Tony knew better…it was the lack of oxygen during a panic attack. They only lasted a few minutes but they left him jittery and on edge. He had been rushed out of D.C. so quickly after Jenny Shepard’s funeral his mind was still spinning and his emotions were crushing him. He was on a ship at sea surrounded by strangers with no one to talk to, no one that could help him work through the pain or cope with the guilt.
The only good thing he remembered was his regular work-outs sessions after his ribs stop hurting, it wasn’t that he was out of shape, he was a runner. But with the new muscular and toned body he developed he faired a lot better when the next fight broke out. Plus running wasn’t really an option on the ship.
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When he heard the particulars of the case he knew Agent Morgan needed help but it didn’t make things any easier for him. Tony could tell Morgan was a good agent right away and it wasn’t just because Morgan appreciated his checklist.
Their earlier conversation had given both of them some insight into each other’s persona. They would work well together sharing their experiences. Morgan had done a lot of the preliminary work when they arrived, so Tony hoped and prayed for speedy conclusion. But his prayers went unanswered.
The case was a lot more complicated than they first realized…there was another Carriers involved and three ports of call to cover. Once they lined up all the players the investigation ballooned. It took three and a half very long weeks, 20 hour days and additional manpower to cover all the bases…while making the whole operation look like no more than routine inspections. They had to keep the suspects unaware of their real purpose for being there as long as possible.
The timing had worked in their favor because they were simply able to take the places of the scheduled inspection teams.
Gibbs became the Senior Field Supervisor coordinating the whole operation and Tony as his Senior Field Agent and second in command was right by his side every step of the way.
Gibbs gave Tony a lot of responsibilities like he always did and he became the real coordinator…charged with keeping everything in prospective. When they landed before they started to unload, Gibbs pulled Tony aside. He looked at him seriously and said, “DiNozzo I need you a hundred percent with me on my six.” “Can you give me that?” Tony simply nodded an affirmative and got right to work supervising the unloading of the helicopter.
Tony had already familiarized himself with the personnel files of the suspects on the helicopter after he pulled it all together.
Tony got the assignment for all their quarters. He then made sure everyone got settled and knew what to do before he met up with Gibbs again. They had a meeting to attend with the ship’s officers and Tony was ready to field all the questions. Gibbs couldn’t suppress the smile that formed on his face as he watched Tony put everyone at ease included their main suspect. He was so convincing that if Gibbs didn’t know better he too would have believed this was no more than a routine inspection.
Tony knew he had to step up no matter how miserable he felt. His memories of the past were simmering just beneath the surface painfully, constantly reminding him of his self-imposed shortcomings. His time as Agent Afloat had made him feel lonely and dejected, Jeanne Benoit hatred or love for him confused him and Director Shepard’s death all made him feel off balance but he had a job to do.
Tony wasn’t the glue that held everything together…there were few smiles and no jokes to release the tension. He wasn’t playing his usual role for the team’s emotional wellbeing he was all business and everyone including Gibbs noticed…and everyone stayed just a little edgy. He couldn’t slip into that role and keep his demons at bay at the same time.
When everything came rushing back when they got the case he wasn’t ready, it was too soon after speaking with Jeanne…she asked him to choose her over everything again…She wanted him to walk away from his life and the only real family he knew and he couldn’t do it…not even for her. She said she had something very important to tell him but she refused to discuss it over the phone. She wanted to meet with him but then the case came up and he had to cancel. She didn’t accept his excuse.
The hurt and anger in her voice broke his heart all over again. He still loved her but that wasn’t enough…he couldn’t let the other people in his life down.
When things were finally winding down and they had almost all the suspects in custody and loaded on the transport van, Gibbs cornered Tony and asked him if he was okay. Tony just nodded and voiced his trademark ‘I’m fine’ and tried to escape Gibbs scrutiny.
Tony was avoiding eye contact with Gibbs and watched the final group of suspects being lead to the van as he said, “Look Boss…Gibbs it’s really nothing I’m just tired and…,” cutting himself off as he broke into a run when one of the suspects darted after successfully knocking the two guards attempting to cuff him to the ground in a tangled heap.
Tony was right on his heels and made a flying tackle bringing them both down hard. They struggled and the guy delivered two hard kicks to Tony’s body but it didn’t stop him from apprehending the suspect. He used his full body weight and a couple moves Ziva taught him and got the best of the guy. He delivered two brutal body blows making the man groan in pain and then he landed a vicious blow with his elbow to his temple that took him down.
Tony ignored the blood dripping from the cut on the side of the suspect’s head as he jerked him to his feet after he forcibly flipped him over and cuffed his hands behind his back. Tony leaned in close after snatching the suspect around to face him and said, “You try anything else and I won’t be so gentle next time,” with a glare that would have made Gibbs proud.
Tony had been the first to react but now the other agents were headed in their direction being lead by Agent Afloat Morgan. The two who the suspect jumped were right behind him looking ready to kill. Agent Morgan frowned as Tony winced in pain obviously hurting. He took custody of the wayward suspect and handed him off to two agents behind him who forcibly pulled him away leading him back to the van.
Tony groaned and bent forward holding his side gingerly. Morgan said, “You okay Tony? Tony said, “Not really,” as Morgan patted him on the back as he continued to lean forward. Tony took a deep breath which he quickly regretted making his chest ache ever more. He straightens up to his full height and swayed slightly. Morgan grabbed him by arm to steady him and said, “Whoa man.” Tony said, “Thanks,” as he looked up to see Gibbs approaching after he waved McGee and Ziva off. Tony mumbled, “Oh shit,” under his breath.
Tony winced more as he watched Gibbs approaching with an intense scowl on his face. Gibbs looked him over carefully and said, “Go let Ducky check you out and we’ll talk later.” Gibbs didn’t miss the pained look on Tony’s face and he also didn’t miss how much it deepens when he said ‘we’ll talk later.’ Whatever the hell was bothering Tony had to be resolved it didn’t keep him from doing his job so he had to let it slide just a little longer during the case but the case was all finished except for the paperwork and he wasn’t going to let it slide much longer.
Gibbs watched as Morgan helped Tony over to the ME’s van. After Tony and Morgan exchanged some words they both grinned and Morgan walked away saying, “It was a pleasure working with you DiNozzo…take care I’ll see you around.” Gibbs marveled at how easily Tony seemed to make lifelong friends.
Tony movement was slow and painful as he seated himself in the back of the ME’s van and waited for Dr. ‘Ducky’ Mallard, to walk over after speaking with Gibbs. Ducky instructed him to unbutton his shirt and relax as he placed an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. Tony did as instructed and zoned out as the pure oxygen replenished his aching lungs.
TBC
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