Chapter 4
Tony closed his eyes as he let his mind wandered…thinking back he realized when it all started. When his life went in a tailspin spiraling downhill…it had been the terrorist attack aboard that freighter. They were there to extract an agent from a deep undercover assignment with the terrorist cell they had been investigating for over a month. The plan was simple…Gibbs was supposed to meet with him during a passport check, arrest him and gather the Intel but unbeknown to everyone the agent’s cover had been compromised…in fact he had been killed and Gibbs was being lead into a trap by the terrorist that assumed his identity.
Gibbs was caught in an explosion that didn’t take his life but it placed him in a coma and robbed him of fifteen years. He awoke trapped in the past…confused and angry. He didn’t remember anyone on the team including his oldest friend Ducky. Mind you it was only temporarily but the consequences were devastating and definitely longer lasting.
Gibbs was reliving the greatest tragedy he had ever faced in his life, the deaths of his first wife Shannon and his eight year old daughter Kelly. They had both been murdered by a drug runner after Shannon had witnessed the same man committing another murder early that very week. Even though, they were placed in protective custody by NIS they were killed in a car accident when the assassin’s bullet took the life of their protector the driver.
They died while Gibbs was in Kuwait fighting for his country and unable to protect his family shortly after he had just barely survived a bombing attack that also placed him in a similar coma…that one hadn’t effected his memoir as severely. Then with everything feeling like it happened yesterday instead of years ago the ‘preverbal straw was placed on the camel’s back’ and Gibbs broke. Gibbs the strongest man Tony knew had shattered…along with his confident and his drive. He couldn’t do it anymore.
Tony never found out what Ziva had said or done but Gibbs was abruptly forced back into the present. Gibbs managed to remember everything the terrorist had taunted him with before he set off the explosives that had landed Gibbs in the hospital and trapped in the past.
Gibbs armed with the Intel needed to stop the planned attack had burst into MTAC to be ignored.
The governmental bureaucrats had already made their decisions and they had no problem sacrificing over thirty men on the freighter to prevent the subsequent planned terrorist attack. Tony watched in disbelief as the freighter exploded before their eyes…he turned to see a shocked and frozen Gibbs before he left and headed back down to the bullpen.
Gibbs was livid and he quit NCIS, just like that. After he stormed out of MTAC and descended the stairs he took a brief look around the bullpen before he stopped in front of Tony’s desk. He stared at a dazed Tony DiNozzo still reeling from what he just witnessed and said, “You’ll do,” before he asked Dr. Mallard for a ride home.
Tony suddenly found himself forced into a position neither he nor anyone else on the team wanted him in, including Abigail Sciuto, their forensic expert and Dr. Donald ‘Ducky’ Mallard their ME.
Tony took the body blows in stride constantly being compared to Gibbs and hated because he wasn’t and couldn’t be but it didn’t stop him from holding the team together whatever it cost him personally. He finally decided enough was enough and rounded them all up in Autopsy. He told them all what they were doing to him and their relationships one by one releasing every ounce of anger and frustration he was holding. He wouldn’t allow any of them to speak he just told them to ‘make a choice.’ and left them standing there with their mouths hanging open literally.
The memory still pained him…but after a few missteps everyone including Tony figured out he was more than capable of being a team leader even if he wasn’t Gibbs. Things started to settle into a relaxed routine. Tony hadn’t missed a beat and the team’s solve rate remained more than solid and they even resolved over half a dozen Cold Cases.
Then Director Shepard recruited Tony for a need-to-know undercover assignment to snag an infamous arms dealer code named LaGrenouille, the ‘Frog’ using his daughter Jeanne Benoit as bait.
Tony didn’t like the idea of using the man’s daughter but he was an International Arms Dealer and a threat to his country. Tony also didn’t know at the time that the operation was more personal for Director Shepard than it should have been and probably wouldn’t have been sanctioned if the Director had gone through the proper channels. He found out too late that Jenny’s main motivation was the blame she had placed on LaGrenouille for her father’s apparent staged suicide. And he also found out too late how deeply in love he had fallen with Jeanne. Tony felt just as used as Jeanne when it was all over.
Then after Gibbs returned for Ziva David at her request when she got framed for a terrorist plot still unable to trust him fully and a mishandled case of Gibbs and FBI Agent Fornell cropped up before he sold his house, he stayed and retook his position as team leader abruptly as he left.
Tony, McGee and Ziva exited the elevator to find Gibbs sitting at his old desk sporting a mustache and usually long hair. They wondered if he was lost at first but then there was Michelle Lee standing there in obvious shock. She had been a member of Tony’s team and apparently Tony no longer had a team. Tony and McGee’s personal stuff had been moved back to their previous desks, Michelle was standing with box in hand and a lost look on her face in the middle of their area of the bullpen and that was that.
Except it wasn’t exactly, Tony was still on a need-to-know undercover assignment and according to the Director; Gibbs didn’t need to know. She had offered him his own team in Rota, Spain half-heartily, she wasn’t ready to drop the LaGrenouille case and he refused the position just like she expected him to. Another thing that bothered Tony at the time was Gibbs…he didn’t believe he was a hundred percent ready to return to duty even though he had easily re-qualified. The occasional slips when Tony was called McGee and Ziva was called Kate just confirmed Tony misgivings.
So Tony found himself placed precariously between two masters, equally stubborn, unrelenting, demanding and unyielding. Tony was being pulled in opposite directions constantly and he felt like he had been expertly played and if that wasn’t enough the migraines returned with a vengeance.
He hadn’t suffer from them since his early twenties.
Falling in love with Jeanne Benoit while on what became a blown undercover operation to get her arms dealing father, lying to Gibbs and the rest of the team and still paying the price for that deception…losing the trust of his colleagues, being accused of murdering Jeanne’s father by her, standing before her as he lied about his feeling for her… Ziva had said, ‘Tony be a man’ so he tried to tell her, ‘I’m sorry you got caught in the middle of all this’ and she replied, ‘Was any of it real…Tony’ and his heart shattered even more as he replied, ‘No,’ thinking he was doing what was best for both of them. Then hearing Jeanne say, ‘I wish I never met you’ almost floored him. He went home that evening showered and slipped on a pair of sweat pants and settled into his misery.
He was sitting along in the dark with tear-filled eyes when there was a knock at the door. He growled in angry…he had told everyone he needed to be alone. He didn’t care who it was…not even Abby his best friend was welcome…he didn’t need any well-meaning friends…not right now.
Tony yelled, “Whoever you are please go just away!...please,” but the second ‘please’ was too soft to be heard. They knocked again and Tony stormed to the door and snatched it open…to be surprised by Jeanne Benoit standing before him. She didn’t speak as she pushed pass him and turned to face him after he closed and locked the door. He was standing there wearing nothing but sweat pants with a hole in his heart and tear-filled eyes afraid to move, afraid to speak.
Jeanne stared at him for a moment before slapping him hard across the face. Tony felt the sting but still didn’t move as the tears he was barely holding back rolled down his cheeks. Jeanne raised her aching hand to slap him again but stopped herself and whispered, “Liar,” before she pushed him against the door and kissed him passionately.
Tony wrapped his arms around her and returned the kiss vehemently as his mind screamed, ‘DON’T.’
They broke apart breathless and stared into each other’s eyes before Jeanne said, “Make love to me Tony.”
Tony didn’t hesitate ignoring every instinct he possessed…he just lifted her up in his strong arms and carried her to his bed.
They somehow removed her clothes and his sweats without breaking contact. Tony gave her everything he had to offer…his heart and soul…making love to every inch of her body. They were both overwhelmed by the heat and desire burning between them. Their moans and cries of pleasure were the only noises in the apartment as they made the most passionate love they had ever shared. Both taking and giving every part of themselves to each other until they climaxed together.
The climax was the most powerful one he had ever experienced…it was unlike anything that either of them had ever experienced before. They melted into each other’s embrace until Tony remembered the weight of his body pressing against her smaller frame…it would be too much for her. So he rolled on his back and pulled Jeanne on top of him and kissed her softly before he drifted off into a peaceful sleep. He vaguely remembered Jeanne whispering, “I love you, lair…”
Tony woke up hours later cold and alone.
Jeanne was gone…he thought he had been dreaming at first but then the sting from her hand against his cheek was still there and the sheet of paper lying next to him said, ‘Goodbye LIAR’ letting him know it was all much too real. He pushed himself up and tried to stand but his legs wouldn’t hold him upright. He slid to the floor and pulled his knees against his chest, bowed his head and sobbed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to find her…when she left before he tried everything and couldn’t.
When Jeanne wanted to be found was when he would see her again.
He whispered, “God help me…I’m sorry Jeanne.”
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Tony finally collapsed from exhaustion…he was both emotionally and physically drained. When he woke up hours later his whole body ached. He pulled himself up and stumbled into the bathroom every muscle protesting every move. He didn’t recognize the man who stared back at him in the mirror. He thought he had pushed that man deep inside him months ago when Jeanne first walked out of his life…but when she returned so did the pain.
Being excused of murder didn’t sit well with him whether it was a carefully planned frame or a blatant lie. He hated himself for what he had done to her…and he didn’t blame her for the revenge she leveled on him. ‘Love him then leave him,’ he felt like his heart had been ripped out all over again.
Tony spent the next two days punishing himself, grateful the team was off rotation until Monday. He ate to survive and slept when he could, thankful for the exhaustion that allowed him to sleep. He started and ended the days with long runs that made his lungs ache so much it masked the pain in his heart.
Exhaustion had become his only true friend…as each day passed he pushed himself on until he forced the pain of losing Jeanne back deep inside.
Tony woke up early Monday morning and took a short run before breakfast that consisted of eggs and toast. He then showered, shaved and dressed in one of his favorite suits, shirt and tie…with his mask firmly locked in place he headed to work. He arrived early and greeted the others with a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes as they arrived.
The look in his eyes had dared them to question ‘how he felt.’ He talked to Abby via IM knowing he needed to avoid direct contact to keeps the thin threads holding him together in place. His ‘well-meaning’ best friend would destroy his walls and rip away his masks.
When he thought faith had dealt him all the pain he could handle Jenny Shepard was murdered.
The death of the Director of NCIS, Jenny Shepard and being assigned Agent Afloat for four grudging months of Hell which her replacement Leon Vance claimed wasn’t ever a punishment; all came rushing back again and again.
Officially it wasn’t punishment but wasn’t it…the previous Director was killed on his watch. It didn’t matter that he was flying blind; no one had informed him that foreign operatives from her and Gibbs past were out for vengeance.
The headache he had been sporting all day was getting worse, his nerves were shot and his stomach was doing somersaults in a very unpleasant way.
And now Ducky was poking and propping him. And Gibbs wanted to talked, could this day possibly get any worse.
Ducky said, “Anthony?” Tony sighed and opened his eyes.
TBC
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