Tony stood at the island in his kitchen eating a slice of pizza, an open beer on the counter within arm's reach. He didn't feel like sitting, been at his desk almost all day. They were off for the weekend and Tony was grateful. He knew now where Gibbs stood. Gibbs just wasn't going to mention it and treat him the same as he always did. It wasn't the end of the world. He told him the truth. He didn't get punched and he didn't get fired. He lost but he would piece together his life and move on. Damn Ziva anyway. If she wanted to throw away a chance at… "Stop it!" He growled through gritted teeth. "Just stop it."
He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. It's going to be okay, he thought. It has to be. The alternative was intolerable.
***
Gibbs got off the elevator and walked toward Tony's door, not hesitating but as always, not rushing either. He caught a faint whiff of tomato sauce in the hall as he got off the elevator. That meant Tony was probably home, eating pizza.
He rang Tony's doorbell and waited. It was barely a moment that Tony opened the door. The younger man had changed from work clothes to a t-shirt and jeans.
Tony looked surprised but stood back and let him in, closed and locked the door behind him. "You hungry, Boss? I have pizza and beer." Tony returned to the kitchen and Gibbs followed, the smell was stronger and he realized he was hungry. He took the offered beer and slice and they ate companionably in the kitchen, neither feeling pressured to speak, just enjoying the simple pleasures of eating pizza and drinking a beer.
The act of sharing food helped Gibbs relax a little. It was that moment he realized how often he had enjoyed Tony's company. Sure, he sometimes talked too much but he also knew when words were too much and Gibbs liked that about him. In a lot of ways, he could relax with Tony in a way he could never relax with anyone else, especially women. Even when they were relaxed they were never really relaxed, well, except after an intense orgasm. Gibbs suppressed a smirk…sometimes not even then.
"Something amusing Gibbs?"
Gibbs looked up with a start, not realizing the smirk had reached his lips. He wouldn't say what he had just thought. Gentlemen just didn't share details like that about women with other men. Not even Tony had ever gone that far either and both would find such a discussion uncomfortable, at best. "No, not really." He took another swig of beer. It didn't take long to finish off the pizza, both men had been hungry.
Tony knew Gibbs was here to talk but couldn't imagine what he would say. The fact that Gibbs had not mentioned a resignation relieved his mind though he knew there was still a chance it could happen. Gibbs had been unreadable all day, as usual, but he had taken a small measure of comfort knowing that he had not been the only one who hadn't slept the night before.
After eating, Tony pointed to the living room and Tony sat on the far end of the couch. Gibbs sat down on the other end and ran one hand over his face. He looked tired and to Tony, a little older than he knew he was. Tony turned toward him, waited patiently.
"You were right, even if I hate to admit it." Gibbs said without preamble.
"About?"
"Me. Shannon. Broken and dead."
Tony audibly inhaled, feeling his insides tremble a little. He let breath out in a rush with his words. "Does that include being eaten alive with loneliness?"
"Every damn day."
Tony swallowed hard and he felt burning behind his eyes. He blinked once, twice, willing his eyes not to fill with tears but hoped to God Gibbs wouldn't choose now to go silent.
Gibbs saw the flit of emotions for an instant knowing that what he'd said had a not insignificant effect. "You're in love with me?" He phrased it as a question, disbelief in his voice, stunned to even be having this conversation with any man, but especially Tony DiNozzo, of all people.
Tony started at the words himself. He paced a little before stopping to meet Gibbs' gaze. "I...well, I don't know exactly that I'd say I am in love with you," he said carefully. It's not exactly like how I feel…uh, felt…eh, feel about Ziva…"
Gibbs heard the unspoken but and waited for the man to gather his thoughts.
"…but it's not dissimilar either." Tony rubbed his neck as though it ached. "It's complicated. Working with you have been the best years of my life, even when they weren't the best. Except when you were in Mexico, I always knew you had my six. When you came back, I felt like I was "home" again. Like I was where I belonged. That wasn't Ziva, Gibbs. That was you. I loved Ziva and wanted to break rule 12 a thousand times a day but tearing apart the team would've torn out my soul because the director would've split us all apart again. I couldn't lose both of you again."
Gibbs nodded his understanding. He had also had been careful to not push anything so far that the director would split them up again.
Tony ran a hand through his hair and some of the strands stood up in a clump on his head. He stood up and paced a little. "Look, I don't expect you to feel the same about me. I know you're straight, have always known that and I get it. I said what I did yesterday because you were right, it was affecting my ability to do my job. I told you because you pushed me and I needed you to know. You at least now know the real me." He rubbed his eyes, gritty from unshed tears and fatigue and to soothe the burning. "I'm just so tired of hiding from you." He took a deep breath. "But if sometimes you're sitting at home and are feeling alone, gimme a call. I can bring beer or food or both, we can watch a game or a movie and maybe for those few hours set aside the ghosts of Shannon and Ziva." He grinned then, liking the picture he conjured, even if it wasn't entirely what he wanted.
Gibbs grinned back though the grin did not reach his eyes. Tony was smoothing this over to make it less awkward, offered him an out in case he wanted one. The fact that Tony had cared enough to offer him an out was not lost on him.
Gibbs stood up and walked over to Tony. In a low voice he said, "What makes you think I didn't come over here to tell you I wanted you."
Gibbs didn't use any tone of voice that could be construed as seductive. As Tony gazed up at him, surprise and light shone in his eyes for the first time that day. Even as it registered what he had said, the words had been said as though Gibbs was asking him what time it is. Tony blinked once, twice, three times.
Gibbs grinned. "I'm not here because I wanted to be alone in my basement, Tony."
Tony's eyes never left Gibbs' face and they were full of questions. "What…do you want, Jethro?" It sounded strange to use Gibbs' name but Tony also liked how it sounded from his own voice. Personal. Intimate. Tony swallowed hard, not sure what he would hear.
"I don't know, Tony. I'm not often surprised but last night, you shocked me. Sometimes I wondered if your bragging about your conquests was just covering your insecurities but not…" he indicated the two of them, "this."
"No, I never lied. Exaggerated a little sometimes to hide my insecurities maybe, but lies, no."
"Any of those women actually men?"
Tony grinned. "No. I just never mentioned those times but the couple of times those encounters happened pre-dated Kate joining the team. I stopped cruising for men when I realized that I was comparing them to you and they weren't good enough."
"So you gave up men completely?"
Tony grinned, a little sheepishly. "Yeah. I knew I had no shot with you but there was a whole city full of beautiful women. Doesn't get too much better than that." He chuckled a little for a second before the chuckle turned into a sigh. "I didn't have any regrets about that…until six months ago or so."
Gibbs felt breathless. He's always known Tony looked up to him but had no idea it was anything like this. The sexuality about Tony that he's acknowledged to himself the night before was coming off him in waves now but from his exhausted eyes, Gibbs realized Tony wasn't overtly consciously of it. It was just simply who he was, part of the fabric of his being. Sure he had a certain amount of control over it - could tone it down or intensify it as the situation warranted - he did that at work daily but this was different. He fairly vibrated with sexuality but it was more than that too.
"Why me, Tony?"
Tony blinked hard, surprised by the question. He grinned. "Who else am I going to trust as much?" Tony held his gaze and then became serious again. "What about you Gibbs? Did you actually come over to tell me you want me or am I just holding onto a thread of false hope? The longer you stay, I can't help but think this is either going to hurt like hell or be the best day of my life."
Gibbs sat back down on the couch and rested his forehead against the palms of his hands. Tony couldn't see his eyes. This was a Gibbs he had never seen before.
"Jethro?" Tony sat down beside him. "Did I…hurt you?"
Gibbs looked up then but didn't look directly at Tony. "I'm tired, Tony. Last night, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about…everything." Gibbs paused.
Tony was secretly pleased that his confidences had meant enough to him to cost him a night's sleep. That showed he mattered. Tony moved closer to him but not too close. He knew this was probably the most serious conversation he had ever had with Gibbs in his life and he was no longer sure what the outcome would be.
Gibbs leaned back against the couch and turned his head toward Tony. "I've never had a relationship with another man. Never occurred to me to want one. There was never a shortage of women…"
Tony felt the 'but' hanging in the air and waited quietly, desperately wanting to know what Gibbs would say next.
"…but I realized that as much as I like women, they can never really relax and be…quiet. They can't…just let things be. You know what I mean?" At Tony's nod, he continued. "With men, it's easier to relax and just…be."
Tony was pretty sure he had never heard Gibbs string so many words at once before. He had been starting to think this confessional was going to be one-sided. Gibbs stood up and paced Tony's apartment some. "I…know your track record with relationships, Tony. Are you using me because you can't have who you really want?"
Tony winced, surprised by the question as much as he welcomed it. If Gibbs was asking questions, he wasn't completely discounting him. "Do you think I would risk my life and my job by coming out of the closet to admit my feelings to a marine sniper and my boss if I only wanted a one night stand?" Tony huffed. "Yeah, thinking about Ziva still hurts. It's probably always going to hurt. How I feel about you was long before Ziva. But I was young, immature, a little wild, nothing that you needed. Now…I can't help but wonder if I might now be what you need, even a little. Like maybe I had to go through the hell of this to understand you, to connect with you…if you would let me. I'm not using you. I would rather kill myself first. I'm in this for the long haul, however long we have. If you can't do this…and I wouldn't blame you if you can't, please just say so because this conversation is torture, not knowing what you feel."
Gibbs studied Tony's face for what felt like a long time. "If Ziva were to show up on your doorstep tomorrow telling you that she wanted you back, what would you say to her?"
Tears stung Tony's eyes. "I would tell her that she was too late." Tony swallowed hard.
Gibbs didn't hide the disbelief from his voice or face. "You would let her go again? Really?"
Tony picked up a magazine he had on the coffee table and threw it across the room where it bounced and fell off a wall, its pages curling around itself. "If someone cuts you with a knife, you don't let them keep coming back to do it again. I'm done with that. She made her choice and got on with her life. I want to get on with mine and dammit, I deserve to be happy too." Tony's voice lowered. "As much as you loved Shannon, you deserve to be happy. If I can help make that happen, I wouldn't miss it for a hundred Zivas."
The intensity in his voice and his eyes stunned Gibbs for the second time in as many days. He believed him. He wasn't one to take needless risks but this time was different.
Gibbs reached out and placed his hands on Tony's shoulders, gripping them semi-tightly. There were only a handful of centimeters between their faces. Gibbs lipped his lips before speaking and the words came out softly but clearly. "I can accept that I'm broken. I can even accept that a part of me died when Shannon died. But I can't accept…won't accept…being alone, now that I know I don't have to be."
Tony's ears registered the words as the echo of what he had said to Gibbs the night before. They resounded through his head like stereo speakers. Gibbs felt and saw the relief flooding through him and reached up to grab Gibbs' arms for support. Gibbs pulled him into a hard embrace, his chest connecting solidly with Tony as he felt the younger man's legs buckle under him. As Tony gave himself over to the embrace, hugging Jethro as hard as Jethro hugged him, the burning in his eyes he had felt almost constantly over the past year bubbled to the surface and he made no attempt to stop the tears. A gamut of emotions coursed through his veins: relief, affection, acceptance, tenderness, need, and caring toward the man he held and who held him. It was strange in a way - he had never been close to a man in this way, not even the hug last night was this intimate, but the fact that it was Leroy Jethro Gibbs - well, nothing could have felt more right.
When Tony's legs regained the starch to hold him up, they loosened the embrace and stepped apart but not far. Tony wiped the tears from his eyes though they still flowed freely. He was smiling but it was more than that. He felt light, happy even as he gave in to the tumultuous emotions.
"You all right, Tony?" Jethro reached over and wiped some tears from his face.
Tony grinned through his tears. "Never better. You?"
Gibbs didn't answer. He was nervous. He was uncertain. He was tired. He didn't know what to do now that he admitted that the feelings weren't one-sided. He was never good at saying how he felt. It had been difficult to say what he had.
"Jethro?" Tony said, his smile turning serious again. "Are you having second thoughts already?"
"No, Tony." He was quick to say. "No second thoughts. I just…I've never been in a relationship with a man."
"Neither have I."
"But you…"
"It was just sex, Jethro," Tony said softly. "That was easy. This is as new to me as it is to you. I'm as scared as you are. Scared the director is going to find out and separate us."
"Can we work together after this?"
"Worried about breaking your own rule?"
"It was a good rule until now."
"It's a shitty rule," Tony said bluntly. "Look how much pain it has caused both of us. I will always have your six and I know you will always have mine but I'm done with rule 12!"
Jethro moved so fast Tony didn't register the movement until Jethro's lips captured his. Tony's lips parted instantly, not going to deny himself what he wanted, and let him in. This time his legs did buckle and Gibbs guided him to the end of the couch where Tony leaned against the arm rest for support. Tony kissed him, tasting him, noting the accent of coffee in the kiss, a hint of tomato from the pizza. He inhaled, caught the scent of Old Spice…and Gibbs himself.
He got hard as the reality of the kiss sank in, need coursing through his veins. All the pain he had suffered these months…the memory of it was still very keen but this moment, this kiss, this connection made it all worth it. He tightened his arms around Gibbs, wanting to feel every inch of him. Was this really happening or was he about to wake up from a dream?
Gibbs didn't hold back as he took what he wanted. He had long since accepted Tony was straight and he had been okay with that but this…this was so much better. His body caught fire in an instant. Kissing a woman was nothing like kissing a man. Women required a softer, gentler touch. Tony's rock hard body was a striking contrast from his experience with women. The kiss bore a similar contrast. Soft lips but hard mouth, rugged, strong jaw but soft tongue. The contrast flamed the fire in a way he had never felt with any woman. He didn't have to worry about physically hurting Tony with his strength, with his endurance, with his power. If he wanted to possess him, Tony was strong enough to be possessed. With that realization, Jethro felt the arms around his back pulling him as close to Tony as he could be. He, also, was strong enough to be possessed. His hands tightened in Tony's hair.
Only the need to breathe stopped the kiss but they remained locked in that embrace, Jethro's hands still in Tony's hair, Tony's arms an iron grip around his back, pulling him into him. They both breathed heavily, almost gasping. Tony's eyes were red from tears and lack of sleep. Tony noted Jethro's eyes and both remembered their sleepless night.
"Jethro," Tony whispered when he found his voice again.
"Yeah, Tony?"
"We're tired. Please tell me lack of sleep isn't fueling this."
"It's like being drunk, made it easier to break down the walls."
"I'm tired of having walls with you, tired of you having walls with me."
"Those walls aren't going to come down easy, Tony. Not for either of us."
"I want to try. I trust you, Jethro. Do you trust me?"
"With my life, Tony."
"Sleep with me, Jethro. Not sex. Not tonight. Just…sleep with me."
"In a single bed?"
"No."
Tony took Jethro's arm and led him to the bedroom where he opened the door. There was a king size bed there where once the single bed was.
"You bought it for Ziva."
"Originally but when she didn't come back after all, I stopped associating it with wanting her. I want you to be the first person I share that bed with."
"I don't know if I can sleep."
"We need to sleep, Jethro. If for no other reason than to wake up tomorrow and realize that tonight wasn't a dream and that it's real. Please don't wake up during the night and leave. Promise you'll be here when I wake up tomorrow."
"I'm not going anywhere, Tony."
They stripped to their boxers and got in bed, Tony allowed Jethro to choose what side he wanted since he didn't know what side of a bed he preferred. He was pleased when Jethro chose the opposite side from the side Tony preferred.
"More proof we belong together. We each get to have our preferred side of the bed."
Gibbs grinned at Tony. "Not everything is always going to be this easy."
Tony shrugged. "Stop worrying about the future. Just enjoy right now."
Once in bed, Tony turned to face Jethro. He turned to face Tony. "This bed is comfortable. Firm but not too firm."
"I like it too. I sleep like a rock."
Jethro reached out and placed his hand on Tony's shoulder. Tony reached up and rested his hand on top of Gibbs'.
Gibbs grinned. "I can't believe this."
"I can't believe it either." The room was dark but there was enough light coming in from the street lights that they could see each other. "You said you've never been in a relationship with a man, but have you ever had sex with one? Are you bi, Jethro?"
"Women were few and far between in the Persian Gulf, Tony. Every day, we didn't know if we would ever make it home. We lived for the moment."
"Did you like it?"
"Go to sleep, Tony. We've talked enough for now."
"I feel like we're just getting started."
Gibbs smirked in the darkness. "Conversation isn't over, Tony. Maybe it never will be."
Tony sat up just a little, leaning on his arm. He leaned in and kissed him. It wasn't a deep kiss, more with affection, just to touch him really. Gibbs felt rather than saw the smile. "G'night Jet." He turned over, half expecting a head slap.
Gibbs laughed. "If you call me Jet at work I will punch you after all."
"Just at home then." Tony grinned.
"Night, Tony." Jethro turned over and let himself relax.
"Night, Jet," Tony whispered as he, too, settled in.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.