More than angry words I hate the deafening silence that follows hard on my jealousy induced accusations. That fucking silence...it's like some sort of black hole sucking up everything. And it adds emphasis to the fact that I have again said things I shouldn't have; things I didn't mean, said things I fear I'll never be able to take back.
My first wife taught me all about how words can be weapons. How they can leave you bleeding. I just never expected to find myself as the one doing the cutting....not on someone I love more than life itself.
Tony goes from looking shocked to insulted to pissed in under second. He pales, jaw tightening and his eyes flash. I know he's going to let loose, give me what for. I'm willing to take it. I didn't just step over the line, I took a running leap.
He clenches his fists, knuckles bleaching white. I brace myself to take a hit. It is no less than I deserve. I'm just glad there are no golf clubs handy. I'm hoping like hell that will even the score; that hitting me will make it possible for him to forgive me one more time for being a rat bastard again.
I know he wouldn't cheat on me. Know he loves me too much to hurt me that way. He flirts and it doesn't mean a thing; it never did. It's just a game to him, a way to approach people so that they relax and open up to him, see him as harmless and approachable.
But he's fifteen years younger, gorgeous, with a great sense of humor, and I'm a mean, old man who's already failed three times at marriage. And he was out until two in the morning with a friend who's just as young and good looking, with a history between them I can't hope to match. I'm suspicious by nature which is great for the job but sucks for my personal life, a lesson I should have learned by now.
Tony gives me a bitter smile and shakes his head. He struggles to take a deep breath and releases it slowly. It looks painful for him to do it. I wince thinking I would have hurt him less if I'd have just sucker punched him. Hell, I did sucker punch him, I just used words instead of my fist. I didn't even wait for him to take his coat off before I was ripping into him, getting into his face about where he'd been and accusing him of fucking around on me like a dog in heat humping the nearest leg.
He makes a neat about face that would have made my drill instructor proud and walks away. I reach out to stop him but he avoids my grasp without even looking back. All my earlier misplaced suspicion and jealousy has already vanished, but I fucked up and let it get the better of me one more time so it no longer matters.
I want to apologize, but I can't get my voice to work. I've never said 'I'm sorry'. Not once. It's a sign of weakness. Never said it to my men when I was in the marines, never said it to my coworkers or my wives, never said it to Tony.
"Tony." I finally managed to get out as his hand grabs the doorknob.
He stops but doesn't turn around. I struggle with myself. "I...Please ... Just...I'm...I didn't..."
He looks over his shoulder at me, green eyes like ice measuring me with an exacting care that leaves me feeling stripped bare. His lips curl, but not in his usual trademark smirk or even that warm smile I've grown so used to. He waits, giving me time. I can feel my mouth opening and closing like some fucking fish out of water, but no sound comes out.
"Had all the words you needed just a moment ago, didn't you?" The question is soft but vicious just the same, the sneer just as cold as his eyes. He shakes his head and turns the knob. "Remember you having them all the last time too."
I hadn't apologized then either. Found a way around it. I thought he'd forgiven me for that, forgiven my biting words and insinuations and failure to really trust him. Was a stupid thing to assume.
"Wait!" I step forward, reaching out again, knowing I sound desperate but I don't care.
"No." He says succinctly, firmly. "Not this time." Tony's eyes narrow and for the first time I'm aware, really aware of the fact that he has the same potential to be as lethal as I am, maybe more so. Attempting to physically stop him would be a very bad idea so I don't touch him.
He steps through the door. It closes with a soft snick that seems louder than a gunshot to me, and just as painful. It sounds so damn final.
Story Notes:
Challenge Quote/lyrics: "More then angry words I hate this silence, it's getting so loud. Well I want to scream, but bitterness has silenced these emotions, it's getting hard to breathe." - Savage Garden
This is not the sort of thing I normally write, but it is what the quote inspired.
Author's Chapter Notes:
My answer to Rebecca's Ficathon.
Chapter End Notes:
Challenge Quote/lyrics: "More then angry words I hate this silence, it's getting so loud. Well I want to scream, but bitterness has silenced these emotions, it's getting hard to breathe." - Savage Garden
This is not the sort of thing I normally write, but it is what the quote inspired.
This is not the sort of thing I normally write, but it is what the quote inspired.