Title: Forgiveness and reflections
Author: Ceindreadh
Email: Ceindreadh@eircom.net
Fandom(s): NCIS
Genre (general, hetero or slash) gen
Pairing/Characters: no pairing
Rating: FRT 13
Summary: Tony has time to do a lot of thinking after SWAK
Warnings: spoilers for SWAK
Disclaimer. I don't own the NCIS characters, I'm only borrowing them, and I

promise to return them in minty fresh condition when I'm finished.
Notes: This fic pretty much evolved out of conversations and discussions I had

with FatCat after we'd both *finally* gotten a chance to watch SWAK.

He nearly died that day, he knows that now. Lying there in the hospital bed, UV

lights surrounding him, lips and fingers turning blue as his body tried in vain to

suck oxygen into his lungs. He was at his lowest ebb, ready to just give up and

stop fighting...certain that it was only going to be a matter of time before his body

gave up the fight.

And then Gibbs had shown up, the hero on his white horse, come to save the

day.

He had told Tony that he was going to live, and Tony had believed him. He'd

figured that the doc's must have told Gibbs that everything was going to be all

right, because Gibbs wouldn't lie to him about something like this. And the

security and safety that the simple words implied had done more for Tony than

any of the antibiotics being pumped into his veins.

Gibbs believed in him, believed that he was going to live, and Tony really hated to

let Gibbs down. Even without Tony being aware of it, his body had started to

fight back, to repair the damage caused by the pneumonic plague.

It had been several days later, when the danger was well and truly past, and Tony

was on the road to recovery, that he found out the truth.

Brad had stopped by for his routine check on Tony's condition and had told him

that he was being moved to a regular ward. "I honestly wasn't sure that you were

going to make it, Tony," he had admitted. "We were doing the best we could but

nothing seemed to be stopping the bug and well, I'll never give up on a patient

when there's the slightest hope left, but there just wasn't anything more I could

do. And then your boss just breezes in, and I don't know what exactly he said to

you, but it must have worked, because from there on in you just started getting

better."

Gibbs had been completely unapologetic when Tony had confronted him on his

next visit. "I honestly didn't know if you were going to survive, DiNozzo," he had

said, a note of concern tinting his voice. "The doc who'd made this bug said you

had a 15% chance...maybe more cause you were fit and healthy to start with. I

figured if you knew how low the odds were then you mightn't have been able to

deal. But I also knew that you've never disobeyed an order of mind. Sure you

might argue and grumble and maybe even whine a little. But you've never let me

down, Tony, and I'm sure as hell glad you didn't decide to start now."

With a declaration like that, it's hard for Tony to stay pissed at Gibbs. Especially

when everything he's said is right. Tony likes to buck the odds every once in a

while, but remembering how sick he felt at that point, he has to wonder if he'd

have just let go if Gibbs had been more forthcoming about his chances instead of

taking his survival as a done deal. Tony's not complaining though. It worked,

didn't it? And besides, he doesn't really have the energy these days to hold a

grudge or anything.

He's forgiven Kate as well for her lie about being infected. He knows she meant

well, and he has to admit that knowing there was somebody else there with him,

somebody who *knew* him, was a bit of a comfort through the whole ordeal.

Of course that doesn't wipe away the horror and guilt he felt when Kate told him

he'd infected her. He'd been lying there feeling bad enough about the whole

'contaminating the office and making everyone get quarantined and burning their

clothes' thing, but he'd consoled himself with the fact that really McGee's tie was

so ugly that he'd probably be thanking him for getting rid of it, and besides, it was

good for people to have to go through the drill, would make them more efficient

when a real emergency happened. And then Brad had shown up and things had

started getting serious and when Tony had been told it was Pneumonic Plague,

he'd nearly freaked out, but again, it could have been worse because at least he

was the only one suffering for his stupidity.

And then he found out he'd hurt Kate as well, and the guilt was just unbearable.

He could live with being the cause of his own death, but hurting Kate as well

because he didn't know better than to open an ambiguously addressed

envelope...he felt like a sledgehammer had hit him, and it wasn't just the bug

making him feel that way. And when she'd said that wasn't the worst of it, his

mind was thinking 'what could be worse than *that*?' and the answer that hit him

was, "Gibbs infected as well?" and if that had happened then he didn't think he'd

have been able to bear it, the guilt would have smothered him completely. But

no, it was just Kate being Kate, and even though he knows she meant well and

just wanted an excuse to stay so she could keep sniping at him and distracting

him from the fact that he was probably going to die. And even though he'd have

probably done something similar if their positions were reversed, every now and

then in his dreams he hears her saying it over and over and the guilt is just as bad

every time. But he's forgiven her for that, really. And he's not planning on taking

that wet t-shirt picture of her and getting it printed onto toilet paper and

distributing it round the office, no, he won't do that...not until he's back at work

anyway.

Somebody he finds it less easy to forgive is the girl who started all this. Maybe

it's all the experience he's had in dealing with real rape victims, but Tony can't

really feel much sympathy for somebody who let a false allegation be made.

Okay, so the kid had a shitty time with her boyfriend being killed and then being

stuck tied to a bed for two days. Boo hoo, Tony's heart bleeds for her, except

no, that's not his heart, that's just where he's after spitting up some more blood.

And okay, so being tied to a bed for so long might not have been the most

comfortable of positions, but when Tony is hunched over an emesis basin and

feeling like he's going to cough up a lung, he's a little less inclined to feel sorry for

her. Okay, it wasn't her fault her mother went bat shit crazy and cooked up this

little plan to get what she perceived as justice, but it still doesn't wipe out the fact

that if daughter dearest had told the truth then maybe Momma wouldn't have

plotted her little scheme and he wouldn't be lying here and wondering if he'll ever

have the strength to stand up again.

And as for the nutcase who cooked up the whole plot, well Tony knows that

she's sick, that brain tumor whatever was affecting her mind, but it can't have

messed it up too much or she wouldn't have been able to figure out a way to beat

the system and get the bug into NCIS in the first place. He does pity her...a little,

and in a way he can understand why she did what she did. Heck, if somebody

he loved had been raped and it had been covered up, then he'd have done

anything in his power to find out the truth. He wouldn't have killed for it

though...or would he? If somebody hurt Kate or Gibbs then Tony knows that

he'd do whatever it took to see them punished. Thoughts like that make it a little

easier to forgive her. Especially now that he knows that she's dying and he's not.

He doesn't forgive McGee.

For the simple reason that McGee has done *nothing* to require forgiveness

from him. Abby's told him how Tim has been so worried and fretting over the

fact that he was the one who gave the envelope to him, when Tony knows damn

well that he practically snatched it out of McGee's hands. And besides, Tony's

the senior agent. If McGee had screwed up on *his* watch - and let's not forget

that he didn't - then it's still Tony's responsibility. So there's nothing to forgive

McGee for, and Tony doesn't even feel like milking McGee's guilt when he gets

back to the office. Well maybe just a little bit. Might be worth faking a few

coughs every now and then, especially when they're arguing over whose turn it is

to go and get lunch.

But Tony doesn't like the thought that McGee's feeling guilty. He's told him

before not to second guess himself, that what's done is done. But he knows that

it's probably eating away at McGee inside. Maybe that's why Probie has only

been to see him a few times in the hospital, and then only with Abby, and then he

hardly said a word. Tony's gonna show him that he bears him no ill will. He

might even tell some of the girls downstairs that Tim isn't really gay...well maybe

he'll only tell a few...the less pretty ones, but they're still sweet kids and if he tells

them that Tim is sort of struggling with his sexuality then he's sure they'll do their

best to help him out. He might tell them that Tim's into stuff like wearing ladies

underwear, though. Doesn't want to make it *too* easy for Probie now, does

he? And it should be good for a laugh.

Not that Tony's really been able to laugh much these days. Oh it's not that there's

nothing to laugh about, it's just that it hurts like hell to do so. It's not even a case

of 'only when he laughs', more like 'only when he breathes'.

Although the bug is officially deceased, and his body working at repairing the

damage it caused, Tony still feels like he's gonna hack up a lung when he gets a

bad coughing fit. He hasn't been able to sleep through the night without having an

episode, but Brad tells him that it will pass. Trouble is, when he's lying in bed

staring up at the ceiling and too weak to even sit up without help from the nurses,

it's very hard to even imagine that he'll ever be back to his full fitness again. It

scares him sometimes just how much he's had to rely on other people. He's had

nurses come round to wash him and shave him and while normally he'd have been

delighted at all their attentions, he can't help but remember the times they'd had to

help feed him as well, not to mention all the other duties.

Knowing that the pretty nurse with the nice smile has just spent the last half hour

cleaning you up after you didn't manage to call for a bedpan in time, sort of puts a

dampener on trying to chat her up.

But all things good or otherwise have to come to an end, and the day comes

when Tony is finally let out of hospital. Or as Gibbs puts it, "The nurses finally

got fed up with you, DiNozzo, so they're kicking you out."

Tony's sure that Gibbs didn't really mean it like that. He knows he can be a bit

annoying, but they wouldn't be sending him home if he wasn't up to it, right? He's

thinking that maybe he shouldn't have exaggerated his well being to Brad, and

maybe he should have been a bit more honest about how tired he feels, but it's

too late now and Gibbs is driving him home and lecturing him about staying in bed

and resting.

And then they're at Tony's apartment and Gibbs is showing him a well stocked

refrigerator and telling him there's enough frozen meals in the ice box to last him

for weeks, and ordering him to have one a day because he'll be counting them

before Tony goes back to work and God help him if there's too many left.

And then he waits until Tony is tucked up in his bed and tells him to leave his

mobile within reach and not to go *anywhere*, even to the bathroom without

having it with him. "I don't want to find you collapsed on the floor and not able to

phone for help," Gibbs tells him.

Tony's sure that he won't need any help, he's feeling a lot more confident now

that he's back in familiar surroundings. So much so that the very next day he

leaves his phone behind him when he heads for the bathroom. Only it takes him a

lot longer to get there than he'd thought and when he's finally finished and cleaned

up and everything he has to sit down for a little while before he feels up to making

the journey back to his bed. And then he has to take his time making his way

back, and what with one thing and another, it's nearly an hour later when he

finally crawls back under the covers and he's just about to drop off when Gibbs

comes barging in and demanding to know why Tony didn't bring the phone with

him. And Tony sees about a dozen missed calls on the phone and it sort of gives

him a warm glow to know that Gibbs is looking out for him.

So Tony's ready to go back to work now, or rather he's bored stiff by his own

company. He never thought he'd find himself thinking this, but he'd almost rather

have spent the time in the hospital. At least then he wasn't alone with his own

thoughts for too long, what with all the nurses and stuff.

But he's been on his own for too long now. Sure Gibbs has called round when

he can, except for when he's been working late on a case, which is pretty much

most of the time. And the first few days at home, Tony spent a lot of time IM'ing

Abby in the lab, except for when she got busy and he was waiting there for ages

before she'd be able to reply to him. And Kate emailed him every now and then,

usually to tell him to stop sending her emails every five minutes because Gibbs

was getting fed up with the message alert tone sounding all the time. And

Probie's phoned him occasionally, except that Tony can't really talk a lot without

getting breathless, and he doesn't want to let anybody know that because

otherwise he'll just be told to stay at home for longer.

That's why he's avoided taking Ducky's calls as much as possible and managed

to put him off visiting. Tony knows that Ducky will take one look at him and

either ship him back to the hospital or worse, he'll tell Gibbs that he's not fit to go

back to work. And Tony wants to go back to work...he *needs* to. He never

thought he'd complain about having so much free time on his hands, but all he

wants is to sit back at his desk and pretend that life is back to normal and that he

doesn't wake in the middle of the night from dreams of being unable to breathe.

He wants to get back to work, to taunting Kate and teasing Probie, to listening to

Ducky's rambling stories and pulling on Abby's pigtails. Heck, he even wants to

have Gibbs smack him on the head again. He's missed them all and he hopes that

they've missed him. Tony's biggest fear is that he'll go back to work and find that

they got on so well without him that they don't need him any more. But he pushes

that thought away. They *do* need him, really they do.

He's going to go back to work in the morning, and his first day back is going to

be really great, he just knows it is.

The end

Ceindreadh