Last time on NCIS fanfics:

"Matty, tell your guardian not to start the car!" Kate yelled. Cut to outside, where Rabb's car explodes from three different angles.

At NCIS: "We are going on a whirlwind tour of Japan, Bangladesh, Vietnam, Kuwait, Iraq, Italy, Sweden and England," Gibbs said, then looked back at Tony. "Finish, I don't have all day!"

In an interrogation room, Abby says "This is my badge number!" and punches a suspect.

On a plane: "I just joined the mile high club!" Kate waved to a Japanese businessman sitting in a middle aisle seat.

Kate in a lab, looking at a microscope: "In my twenty years of research I have never seen a virus replicate at this speed!"

At the Kadena PX: "Sergeant Anthony Taylor is accused of stealing Sergeant chevrons from the AAFES PX at Camp Foster," Gibbs said.

Kate at a stadium: "What blue wire? They're all red!"

At the Kadena hangar: "I put McGee's name in the do-not-fly list. He was detained in San Francisco," Tony said giggling.

"Prepare to get the crap beaten out of you!" McGee yelled.

Ducky hangs from a helicopter's legs while shooting upwards.

Kate rushed to Tony's side and hugged him as he lay on the ground. "I... didn't... know you... cared..." Tony sputtered.

"Don't read too much into this, I will snap out of it once you recover," Kate said.

"I told him about the file and now he's dead," Matty says crying.

A cashier yelled, "Help! A local man is stealing a bag of rice!"

"His name is Akio Yamato!" McGee said.

Ducky and Palmer slow-mo jump out of a boat just as it crashes on the harbor.

"It's to feed the children."

"Look, Gibbs, I will pay at the PX for the rice," Rabb said.

At the hospital, Abby tells Rabb "Face it, Matty's never coming out of her coma."

"Sergeant Taylor did not steal chevrons?" Gibbs asked the career planner.

"No," the career planner said, looking down sadly.

And now, the conclusion.

Tony felt better now as he woke up and rose from his hospital bed. He looked over to Kate, who was in a yoga pose on her chair. "What're you doing?" Tony asked.

"I'm communicating with Ducky telepathically. It will come in handy when I die," Kate explained.

"Oookay... but isn't he going to die long before you?"

"I hope so..." Kate said.

The Harmon J. Rabb Orphanatorium

Gibbs and a Japanese man he had picked up in Okinawa slept in a bed under mosquito netting in a large room in a house on stilts in Bangladesh. Rabb and McGee also slept in the room, but in their own beds. Or at least they were trying to get sleep. Gibbs and his young new lover were making quite a racket.

"Oh yeah, I like you inside me," said the Japanese man in broken English as he sat on Gibbs.

Rabb went over to their bed. "Excuse me Gibbs, but some of us are trying to sleep here," Rabb said.

"Just a minute, pilot boy," Gibbs said dismissively.

Rabb stood by the bed not quite knowing what to do. Just then, some white fluid managed to get through the netting and landed on Rabb's cheek. Rabb was disgusted, and proceeded immediately to the rest room, where McGee had gone to brush his teeth. "What's that stuff?" McGee asked incredulously.

"Hair gel, what the hell do you think it is!?" Rabb snapped and washed his face with soap and water. Once cleaned up, he turned to McGee more composed. "I'm sorry, Bud, I didn't mean to snap at you like that."

"That's OK, sir, but I'm not Lieutenant Roberts," McGee said.

"Oh, that's right, I forgot."

"It's OK." Gibbs and his new lover walked into the restroom. "So who's your new paramour?" McGee asked.

"Daimoku desu," the young man identified himself.

"Daimok?" McGee asked a little incredulously.

"But he can shoot far," Gibbs said.

Rabb groaned. "Nice to meet you, Daimokdes," Rabb said noncommitantly.

"Just Daimok," McGee explained to Rabb.

The next morning, a woman, Chiramanjulashrutipatel, showed up holding a baby, ready to take them to see what they had come to Bangladesh to see. "Who's that little fellow?" Rabb asked the woman.

"We're calling him Baby 47. He's claimed by three different couples," Chiramanjulashrutipatel said.

They arrived at the Harmon J. Rabb Orphanotorium. "Wow, you must've written the biggest check!" McGee said. In the lobby inside, there was a golden statue of Harmon Rabb with Indian children clustering around him.

"Harm did write a check," Chiramanjulashrutipatel said, "but here we name buildings after people who write the biggest letters. Harm's letter about the loss of his own father touched us all."

"Whatever," Gibbs said indifferently.

"We're still reconstructing from the damage of the tsunami," Chiramanjulashrutipatel said.

Gibbs looked around. "This sort of thing will never happen in America," Gibbs declared. "FEMA is equipped to deal with Category 5 hurricanes."

Hours later, in Vietnam, Gibbs laid a medal on an unmarked grave and saluted it. Rabb made a similarly cryptic gesture.

A Doctor's Limitations

Kate slept with the Air Force doctor who treated Tony. "Tony will make a complete recovery," Kate said kissing his chest.

"Yes, but there might be--"

"He will make a full recovery," Kate insisted, kissing his belly button.

"OK, he will make a complete and total recovery!" the doctor said as Kate went lower.

An hour later, the doctor and Kate went to Tony's room. "Tony's in perfect physical condition now!" the doctor declared.

"But he looks disfigured!" Kate objected.

"I fixed all the internal damage, but I'm no cosmetic surgeon. Nevertheless, I will live up to my promise. At my own expense, if need be, Tony will go to California to be seen by the best cosmetic surgeon there is!"

The Gift of Freedom

In Iraq, some TV producers wanted to film a public service announcement for the Iraqi public. They wanted a Marine in dress blues. Unfortunately, none of the Marines in the combat zone had brought their dress blues. But Gibbs always traveled with his dress blues, and was ready to put them on at a moment's notice. So he was selected for the PSA.

Gibbs handed a big box with a big bow on it to a little Iraqi girl. "Thank you very much, American liberator," the little girl said with a charming British accent.

"Beautiful! Cut and print!" yelled the director.

Then the little girl said something else: "Where's the receipt?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I want to exchange it for an Islamic theocracy. You know, like Iran has."

"Stop rolling!" the director yelled. "For the love of America, stop rolling!"

Down the Alps

Gibbs barrelled down a snow covered slope as Rabb and McGee followed behind. "Do we have a case to solve here in Switzerland?" McGee asked.

"No, not really."

Back Home

"I've lost my fortune!" Gibbs said as he entered the NCIS office. "Or at least, what was left after my last ex-wife cleaned out one of my bank accounts."

They walked into Abby's lab, where Kate was shooting at bulletproof vests. "What's going on, Kate?" Gibbs asked.

"What do you mean, Gibbs?"

"You've had more sex in the past 80 hours than you've had in the past 80 days, and now you're shooting up vests," Gibbs said.

"I've been worried about my mortality lately," Kate said. "Well, it's 3:47 PM, time for me to go," Kate said.

"Did you say 3:47?" Gibbs asked. "I'm not late for my wager? How can that be?"

McGee looked up the International Date Line on Wikipedia. "If we had been traveling to the East, we would have gained an hour," McGee said.

"But we weren't traveling to the East, we were going West," Rabb pointed out. "If anything, we ought to be a day late."

"It appears that the writer of this fanfiction has executed a deus ex machina but chosen not to inform us as to the exact nature of the highly improbable solution to this problem," McGee said.

"Whatever it is, it's good enough for me. I must go show Fornell he lost," Gibbs said. "You're a genius, McGee," Gibbs said patting McGee in the ass. McGee was uncomfortable, but then saw that Daimoku was not at all bothered by the gesture.

"We can get married now," Daimoku said to Gibbs.

"About that, well, no, we can't," Gibbs said. "You'll have to go to Canada."

"Or you can go to Massachusetts," Rabb said. "Aside from some full faith clause issues--"

"Shut up, lawyer boy," Gibbs said to Rabb.

Then Tony walked into the room. "Never thought I'd see you again," Tony said to Gibbs and ran his hands through Gibbs's hair. At this, Daimoku became inflamed with jealousy.

"You never told me there was another!" Daimoku yelled.

"Look, I'm changing teams pretty soon, as I sense one of my many ex-wives will soon become director of NCIS," Gibbs explained.

"What about McGee?" Tony asked. "Won't he be punished for what he did to me?"

"It's not his fault you weren't able to defend yourself," Gibbs said coldly.

"Besides," began Rabb, standing up on a box of Soapsy Suds brand soap, "your experience has shown how horribly ineffective data gathering systems like MATRIX, TIA, and the no-fly list really are. If anything, the hastily passed provisions of the utterly misnamed PATRIOT act will serve to help terrorists rather than defend us from them. The terrorists have blown up some of our buildings, but only we Americans can give up our freedoms. When Government fails to honor the transparency expected by its citizens, or worse yet, when citizens stand by quietly and do not demand full transparency and accountability from Government, then our freedom is truly in danger, and no amount of flag waving and support our troops yellow ribbons will save us from our own complacency in defending our freedom. When Government feeds us lies, and veils everything in a shroud of secrecy, huge red flags ought to be going off in the minds of every freedom-loving American citizen. As I have sworn an oath to defend the U.S. Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and today many Government officials are domestic enemies of the U.S. Constitution. Will we rise up and demand accountability for their misdeeds across the globe that so tarnish our reputation and chip away at our freedom, or will we--"

"Get off your soapbox, pilot boy," Gibbs said. "You've delayed me 12 minutes."

Gibbs walked into the next room, where Fornell eagerly awaited for Gibbs to not show up. "Nostos!" Gibbs proclaimed as he entered the room.

"You sure are full of sh--" Fornell was interrupted.

"Shelf-assurance," Gibbs completed the sentence.