As I look at today's date, I'm amazed at how fast time is passing for me. I've not taken the time to sit and write for many, many months and, now, I feel the need to catch up with all that's happened in my life. I know I'll never be able to remember everything exactly as it occurred but feel, somehow, it's important for me to jot down what I can recall. Let's face it: this old girl isn't getting any younger and, if I don't start journaling again regularly, I may begin to forget things that will be important to have as solid memories in the future. I use to do this at least once a week but, after Jimmy died, there were so many things I just didn't feel like doing anymore. Thank God for Tony. If I hadn't had him to consider and care for, I might have just thrown the rest of my life away. It's funny...I really didn't realize what I had until I almost lost him, too, but I'll write about that later. Anyway, here I am, ready to begin again.

Since I'm not going to put events down chronologically, this entry may seem a little scattered but I want to record things as they flow into my brain. I could go back and look at the calendars I've kept over the past few years, to help refresh my memory, but I don't want to go to the trouble of digging them out and forcing myself to remember. I'd rather just let the memories comes as they will.

First, I think I've found love again. I hesitate to put that label on my relationship with Brian because I'm not really sure, at this point, the emotion I'm feeling is really love. I know I loved Jimmy with my whole heart and soul and we shared a love I thought people only found once in their lives, so to start feeling something like that again, with another man, is pretty exciting and fairly scary at the same time. He's a good man, a kind man, and he knows just how to make me laugh. I guesss it was his sense of humor I noticed before anything else. I know that sounds strange, especially because we live in such a superficial world, but I suppose I stopped looking at men and judging them on their outward appearances long agao. I had Jimmy, and then Jimmy's memory, and was perfectly satisfied to ignore those of the opposite sex as anything but potential friends. So, when I found myself bogged down at work one day, a killer headache brewing in the back of my skull, and no viable solution to the problem on the spreadsheet before me, I was shocked to find Brian at my elbow, willing to assist and armed with a ready grin. He could make me laugh no matter how rotten the day was going or how foul a mood I was in and it was like seeing the sun again after a long, dark winter. We'd always been cordial to each other but it only took that one incident during an extremely bad morning at work to reopen my eyes and, when I did, I saw Brian's smiling face.

I have to admit, I was *not* use to any man paying attention to me, other than Jimmy, so I was surprised when he asked me to lunch one day. We had a nice little meal at some fast-food place, laughed and talked the whole time, and, when we finally made it back to work after our lunch break ended, I was officially smitten. It also made me take a hard look at myself in the mirror and I sure didn't like what I saw. It's not that I'm unattractive or frumpy but had just gotten to a place where physical appearance didn't matter that much to me anymore. I was comfortable in my own skin, as drab and dull as it was, and used my enegry on other things. Suddenly, with Brian paying attention, *I* started paying attention. I washed that gray right out one night and began to take better care of myself. Brian was always so vocal and appreciative in his comments concerning my changing appearance but he made me feel even better the night he told me it was my 'inner beauty' that had first caught his eye. He told me I never had to change anything for him. Oh, boy...I was totally gone after that! Anyway, we've been 'dating' for almost a year now and I've never felt so content with my life. I've got a wonderful man who truly cares about me, I've got a good, steady job, a beautiful home to live in, and I've got Tony.

Speaking of which...

Tony will be sixteen in a few months and I'm amazed at the young man he's become in these last short years. We've been through some *very* rough patches in our time together, especially when he was thirteen or fourteen years old, but he's slowly maturing into the responsible person I always hoped he could be. He's doing well in school, like always, though at the last parent-teacher conference I attended, I got the distinct impression he could do even better if he appied himself more. There were no complaints from any of his instructors, just an underlying current of comments concerning his 'enchanting personality and boyish charm'. Yes, I'm not kidding, one teacher actually used those very words and I know I must have looked totally dumbfounded because she quickly defended herself by explaining he wasn't neglecting his assignments or receiving any special treatment but simply seemed satisfied to 'breeze through on his honest smile and budding charisma'. I thought I was going to laugh in her face. The words 'Tony' and 'charisma' don't need to ever be used in the same sentence, at least not where he could overhear it being said. If he knew some of his teachers thought he was charismatic, he'd have a feild day at school and never do any homework! He's a handful at times but, I'm so happy to say, a joyous handful. Recently, I've become more aware of his sense of humor and wonderful personality and it truly amazes me to see him so full of honest goodness and lingering innocence.

If I'd been writing in my journal a few years ago, instead of today, my recordings would have been very different. I was almost ready to send Tony away, to remove him from my home and my life,to move him to live with his grandfather where, I know, he would have withered away and become a shadow of what he is today. His deceptions and lies almost drove us apart and I thank God for giving Tony and I another chance.

It was Tony, himself, who utimately stepped up and made the change in our lives that saved us both. He finally came forward, after months of us living in a home where suspicion and distrust was slowly chipping away at our love, and told me the secret he'd sworn never to admit to me. I will always remember the look of utter shame he wore as he told me the reason for sneaking out, of his need to observe other children with their real parents, and of his building desire to meet with his biological father. I know my hurt showed because he did everything he could to try and comfort me, to let me know he loved me like a son loves a mother, and to assure me he still wanted to remain with me in our home. It took me a few weeks to digest his words and to really come to grips with what the confession had cost Tony but, when I finally did, I knew I was causing him to suffer needlessly. This was *not* about me and I had to quickly change my mindset before I destroyed all that was good and sweet and pure in him. I finally got the tool box late one night and just went to Tony's room, waking him from a sound sleep. When he saw what I was carrying and what I intended to do, he broke down crying, telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for ever keeping secrets from me. Together, we quickly got his door back on the hinges and, from that night, our trust in each other has blossomed and grown stronger. I gave him back his privacy, I allow him to go to social gatherings, and I let him rebuild his strained friendship with Josh. In return, he's given me his respect, his honesty, and, most importantly, his unconditional love. He knows I trust him now, he knows he can tell me anything, and he knows I will love him until the day I die. Our lives have changed so much since that night and I thank God for Tony's strength and goodness.

Now that I've mentioned Tony and Brian separately, let me write a little about them together. Their first meeting was like oil on water: Brian immediately wanted to be his buddy and Tony only saw Brian as an intruder in our lives. I'd tried to prepare Tony, to let him know as diplomatically as I could, that Brian was only a very good friend who made me feel happy. That went over like a lead balloon. When Brian said 'right', Tony would say 'left'. If Brian suggested we go bowling, Tony wanted to see a movie. On evenings when I was getting ready to go out with Brian alone, Tony would hover around my doorway or sit on the end of my bed, quiet as a mouse and as solemn as an undertaker, pouting and sulking. Those expressive green eyes would watch me fix my hair or apply my make-up and, when the doorbell would chime to announce Brian's arrival, Tony would quickly retreat to the haven of his room without even telling me goodnight. It was difficult for all of us at the start and it took awhile for Tony to realize Brian wasn't going to steal me away or change our home. He knows I'm content to keep my relationship with Brian as it is but, if he knew Brian has begun to start talking about a more permanent arrangement, Tony might begin to regress back into exhibiting his insecurities again. I think it's a good idea for me to keep this bit of information from Tony a little while longer because, if he loves me like I think he does, Brian will continue to be a part of my life and not press me to take any step until both Tony and I are ready. If marriage is in my future again, I don't think I would want it to happen until Tony is eighteen and legally able to make his own decisions in his life. I'm hoping Tony will come to feel something for Brian and realize he would never try to be a father...I think Tony has already had enough of that meaningless designation in his life so far.

Speaking of fathers, we got a call from Jethro last week to let us know he was going to be deployed at sea on a short assignment and wouldn't be able to speak to us for awhile. He seemed happy but I know he must be missing little Lilly Marie. Okay, here's where I've got to remember this is the first time I've mentioned Jethro's darling baby girl in my journal, so need to be more precise. Lillian Marie Gibbs, named for both her maternal and fraternal grandmothers, was born on November 5th and weighed in at seven pounds and seven ounces. She has her mother's red hair and her father's blue eyes and will probably be breaking hearts from kindergarden until she leaves this world. Tony and I traveled to Norfolk right after she was born and I've now got this wonderful photo of Tony holding her securely in his arms, this sweet, slightly-astonished smile plastered on his face. I framed it and put it on the bookshelf, right next to the picture of my guys at the cabin, and Tony loves to stop and look at both of them each time he's in the living room. I told him I'd make him a copy of it for his room but he declined, saying it belonged on the shelf next to the other one. Jethro played the proud papa for us during the two days we were there but I could easily see he and Carolyn were finished. It's a shame they couldn't try and heal their rift but Jethro bluntly informed me he wasn't going to have his child grow up in the middle of a loveless marriage. Little Lilly will always be adored by her parents and I know Jethro and Carolyn will be civil enough with each other for her sake.

While in Norfolk, Tony and Carolyn must have had a small altercation because, when I entered the baby's room after preparing a bottle for Carolyn to give to Lilly, Carolyn's face was flushed with anger and Tony looked like the cat who'd not only swallowed the canary but had managed to eat the rest of the canary's family as well! He wouldn't explain what had been said but I could tell he was extremely happy with himself. Jethro once told me there'd been some friction between Carolyn and Tony when he first began to date her but wouldn't or couldn't give me any details. I do know Tony had been heartbroken at Jethro's wedding and I had even found him crying during the reception but I didn't think he still harbored any ill feelings toward the woman. Guess I was wrong.

Anyway, Jethro travels to Atlanta now whenever he can and says his 'little angel' is growng very fast. I hate he can't have her closer. He seems so suited to fatherhood and this separation appears to have made him a bit hard-hearted. I can't imagine what he must be feeling but, unless something changes, I fear my friend is fated to end up a very cold and driven man. I haven't said anything to Tony but I really expect Jethro will ask to be transferred to an NCIS office in the Atlanta region, so he can be there for Lilly as she grows. And, even though it would devastate Tony to have his Gunny so far away again, I think he's mature enough to understand the importance of Lilly having her father close.

Then, again, maybe he won't ask for a transfer. He's been seeing someone new...another redhead, of all things!...and seems pretty taken with her. They actually met while Jethro was trying to gather information about Frank DiNozzo for Tony and, in his words, 'sparks flew'. Just what he needs: another explosive relationship. I would never say anything to him about his choice in women but, since Mike's death, he appears to be making a lot of bad choices in who he dates. Listen to me...I sound like some type of relationship expert and Lord knows, that's not the case. I'll just keep my mouth shut and continue to pray for his happiness.

My relationship with Foster Hathaway has deteriorated since Tony's surprise revelation concerning Elizabeth and her inappropriate behavior. The very last thing any of us expected was for Tony to be exposed to the sexual advances of his grandfather's young wife. It threw us all for a huge loop, especially Foster. Unfortunately, Tony was right when he told us his grandfather would believe anything Elizabeth said before he'd believe him and, now, Tony only visits their home rarely and it's never when Elizabeth is there. I want to inform Foster about my plans to let Tony meet with his father but I'm not quite sure how I will break the news to him. I don't want to hold this information back or have any secrets that may come back to haunt me someday and, if I don't tell him about this soon, when he does find out he just may be angry enough to try and push for custody of Tony, just to keep Tony from Frank. I can't let that happen. I've got to, somehow, convince him this is for Tony's peace of mind and he's well past the age when other children in similar situations begin to inquire about their biological parents. Tony wants to meet Frank and I'm hoping to make that happen soon. If Foster thinks he can honestly answer Tony's questions about his mother, without losing his temper, I think it would help both of them begin to heal. Foster is very bitter about the life his daughter lived and I pray he will let his resentment go and focus on giving his grandson some good memories. It would help them both mend the wounds of the past and, maybe, their own damaged relationship.

Tomorrow is Friday and I'll be going out with Brian again. I know it sounds like just another date but this one will be special. Tomorrow evening, Tony will be going to the movies with a girl for the first time by himself. I've allowed him to accompany others to the movies or miniature golf or wherever but never by himself. Brian, Tony, and I are going to pick up Catherine at her parent's home at seven o'clock and drop the two teens at the mall, so they can see a movie and get a bite to eat at the food court. There's an arcade right next to the cinemas, so I imagine they'll spend some time (and money) in there until we come back to pick them up around ten-fifteen. Catherine has to be home by ten-thirty, so Brian and I are going to make sure we're back to pick them up in time to meet her curfew. This is a big step for both Tony and I and, although I'm apprehensive and a little scared, he's excited and filled with anticipation. I don't like dropping them at the mall but have Tony's word they will stay in the area we've discussed and not wander around. He knows how much I hate the way some parents use the mall as a babysitter, dumping their kids off early in the evening, letting them roam unsupervised, and not coming back for them until closing. It makes me so angry to see all those young people without proper guidance, especially the ones I know still must be in middle school.

Okay, give me a soap box...I'm ready to start preaching again!

Anyway, I will certainly make sure to enter my thoughts after tomorrow evening and will try to keep this journal up-to-date. Someday, I'm sure Tony will be able to look through it and have a big laugh at all the stuff I wrote. The ravings of a lunatic!

As I get ready to end this day, I know God is looking down and blessing this home: we have our health and we have each other. What more could a person want?


FIN
Coming next: Through the Years: Sixteen