Tony was sitting in a really uncomfortable chair next to Gibbs hospital bed. It was reassuring to watch the rise and fall of his chest.
He kept thinking back to what had happened out in the park. He could still see Gibbs' lifeless body on the ground before him every time he closed his eyes.
When he first saw the head wound he was sure that his heart had stopped for a couple of seconds. He had froze right then, but training had snapped him out of it pretty fast. He was relieved when he felt that Gibbs had a steady pulse. So he was alive, but he was still worried. Was he going to survive at all? Would there be head trauma? In that case, how serious? Tony's head was buzzing with questions and worry.
When the paramedics had finally arrived they quickly stabilized Gibbs and gotten him in an ambulance. Tony had joined them in the ambulance and was watching the play in front of him. There was nothing he could do anymore. Just watch. And with that the guilt and shame attacked him. Why hadn't he reacted? It would be his fault if anything happened to Gibbs. The blood would be on his hands. A part of him tried to reason with that it was the snipers fault, not his. But the guilt was too strong. It was his fault.
When they arrived at the hospital the paramedics got him in quickly with Tony trailing behind. His legs wouldn't act like they should have. Everything seemed to go in slow motion. Tony was left alone in the waiting room pacing and waiting for news.
After what seemed like hours, but it was only 10 min, he wasn't alone anymore. That's when he was joined by Kate, McGee, Abby and Ducky. But he was so lost in his guilt that he didn't even notice them until Kate grabbed him. He tried to focus on her and what she was saying to him, but his ears seemed to have stopped. What was wrong with him? He was so angry with himself.
Ducky lead him over to a chair. "Anthony I need you to calm down." Ducky told him in a gentle voice. "I need you to take a couple of slow deep breaths for me." And after a few deep breaths he finally started to pull himself together.
"What happened out there, Anthony?" The quiet question from Ducky came through that still fog occupied a small part Tony's brain.
"I'm not sure. We were on our way back to the truck when I noticed something in the bushes. Gibbs must have noticed it too, ‘cause he pushed me away and got caught in the crossfire." He took a deep and shaky breath. He put his face in his hands in frustration. "I should have reacted. I saw him and I did nothing."
"I'm sure you did what you could. These things happen very quickly. You can't blame yourself for something you had no control over."
"You weren't there. You don't know what happened." He snapped back. His anger was rising.
"Tony!" The others looked quite shocked over Tony's outburst, except for Ducky. It was only natural that emotion was running a little wild. He just gave Tony a reassuring pat on his back. This small gesture drained Tony of all anger. For the first time in 20 years he just wanted to sit down on the floor and cry.
The silence lasted until a doctor stepped into the waiting room. "Family for Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs?" The group rose quickly from their seats and walked over to him.
"How is he?" They were all very anxious and worried that this could be really serious.
"He is a very lucky man. The bullet hit at an angle and only grazed his head, but as a result got a pretty decent knock to the head. Although the fall to the ground wasn't much, it didn't help either. So he has a concussion and the gash on his head needed a couple of stitches. We're keeping him over night as a precaution, but he should be able to go home tomorrow." Everyone let out a breath they didn't know they had been holding. They were relieved that it wasn't anything serious. But the guilt still weighed Tony down.
"Can we see him?" Abby looked hopefully at the doctor and was answered with a smile.
"Yes, but only for a couple of minutes and you have to be quiet."
"Of course, doc!" Abby was bouncing in excitement. The suspense was killing her.
"Nurse Yerman will take you to his room." Abby ran out of the room, quickly followed by Kate and McGee. Tony was about to follow them when Ducky grabbed his arm and held him back.
"Could someone stay with him to night?" Tony looked at him with confusion and the doctor didn't seem to like the idea, so Ducky quickly continued. "If Jethro wakes up during the night you will need someone to keep him in bed. I'm sure he won't be pleased with the thought of staying the night." Ducky's eyes sparkled with amusement and even Tony had to give a little smile by the thought of his boss scaring the hell out of the nurses on nightshift.
"I guess it could be arranged. Who do you have in mind?"
"Young Anthony here." Tony looked at him with a frown. He had no idea what Ducky was up to. Ducky on the other hand knew that Tony needed to be reassured that nothing was wrong with his boss and that he needed to talk to him. In the depressed state that Tony had been in lately this was just the thing that could ruin him. And the only one that could snap Tony out of this one was Gibbs.
So now Tony was sitting in an uncomfortable chair watching Gibbs breath. It had been several hours since the others left and Tony was starting to get bored. The guilt was still there, but seeing as Gibbs was alright, he was quite calm. His eyes were starting to slip and he soon fell a sleep.
***
Gibbs woke up with a pounding headache. He winced as he tried to open his eyes. He slowly opened his eyes again. This wasn't his room, this was a hospital. He remembered some of what had been going on in the park. He was about to jump out of the bed and get the hell out of this place when he suddenly heard someone mumble. He turned to see Tony asleep in a chair beside his bed. He looked restless and when Gibbs took a closer look he could see that Tony was covered in sweat. Gibbs knew that Tony hadn't gotten much sleep lately and was thinking that he was seeing the reason for the younger agents insomnia right before his eyes. The event earlier in the park was gone from his thoughts.
Suddenly Tony snapped out of sleep. His breathing shallow and he was shaking. He pulled a hand through his hair and frowned when he felt the sweat.
"Care to tell me what that was about?" Tony jumped by the question and he focused on Gibbs.
"Boss, you're awake. I'll go get someone."
"Stop right there, DiNozzo." Tony froze half way up from the chair. "Care to tell me why it looks like you should be the one in this bed instead of me?"
"What?"
"You don't look to good."
"And if you think that I should be in that bed instead of you, you should take a look in the mirror first. Cause you look like hell." The defensive answer made Gibbs smirk. He was sure that Tony wouldn't be able to tell in the dark though.
Tony started to get uncomfortable with the silence. "I'm sorry, boss," he finally said barely audible.
"For what?"
"For what happened out there."
"Unfortunately these things happen in this job. You can't hang up in them or else you can just quit now."
Tony was taken aback. He knew that he had screwed up, but was he losing his job for that mistake?
Gibbs saw the hesitation in Tony and decided to dig a little deeper. "What happened has happened. And if you can't let this go, then I'll have to let you go." Tony seemed to shrink in front of his eyes. "There is more than just what happened out in the park. Something is going on that is affecting you. And that affects the whole team more then I thought possible. And from what I just saw..." He just let the sentence trail off and speak for itself.
Tony looked at his boss. He was weighing in his head if he should tell him. He was sure that either way his job was on the line. As it was only dreams that had him so out of balance, but concluded it with that not telling would be more damaging. "I guess when I went to visit my family a couple of weeks ago I... Ummm..." He sighed. It was going to be tough, but maybe Kate was right. Maybe he would feel better. Of course he didn't take Kate up on her offer, so now it was Gibbs. That may not go in his favour. "Some old memories came back."
"Not good ones I presume."
Tony just gave a sarcastic smile. "No, not good ones. You know that my mother is dead. Right?"
"She died when you were 12 years old, if I'm not mistaken. In a car crash."
Tony nodded. "What you probably don't know is that I was in the car with her."
"That isn't in your file."
"And there for you did not know." There was a pause. That was the easy part. Now to the hard part. The opening up his heart part. "She had picked me up at school and had a talk with my teachers. So she was a bit pissed at me on the way home."
Gibbs interuppeted. "What did you do? Break a window or something?" He could easily see Tony as a little rascal, so when he spoke he had amusement in his voice.
"I got a B+ on a test." The look on Tony's face could almost seem embarrassed. "And that wasn't good enough. My mothers standards were high." There was a moment of silence before Tony continued. "As she had high standards, she also had a bit of a temper. She got a little heavy on the gas and as it was winter." Tony paused and licked his lips before continuing. "I woke up in the hospital eight days later. I was told she lost control on one of the curves. The car went right into a tree. I had gotten a nasty blow to the head in the crash, along with a broken leg, a dislocated shoulder and a couple of scrapes and bruises. Nothing that didn't healed with time, but my mother died in the ambulance. She never made it to the hospital." His voice trailed off.
Gibbs could see the sadness all too well. "Another thing you blame yourself for?" When Tony didn't meet his eyes, he knew that he was right. "That was not your fault. Your mother shouldn't have been driving if she was that angry. You must see that."
"How can I?" There was a tone in Tony's voice that Gibbs couldn't quite place. "My father hasn't looked at me with anything else than anger since. In his eyes I am a killer and nothing but a disappointment. When you get told that enough... You start believing it."
Gibbs was at a loss for words. He had never believed that Ton had a good childhood. But he had assumed it was because he was treated more as a trophy than a child, not as a murderer and who knows what else. If his mother got so angry when he got a B+, then what did she do when he actually did break a window?
Tony broke the silence on his own. "I've been having nightmares about it ever since I got home. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but..."
"It was your mother, you were young and you have been blamed by your father for her death for the last 20 years."
"Yup, that about sums it up."
Gibbs took a deep breath. "As far as I'm concerned neither what happened to your mother or me was your fault. But as you probably won't believe me anyway... Why don't you go home and get some sleep and we'll talk about it later if it's still bothering you."
"I can't."
"You can't what? Talk about it?"
"No, go home."
"Okay. You can take over my bed then, ‘cause I'm going home."
"No, you're not." By the glare that met him he had to smile. "You can glare all you want. Ducky is more scary than you when he gets in his protective mode. And he will kill me. I'm sure he can make it look like an accident too."
"I'm not staying here."
"Do I have to ask the nurse to come in here and give you a sedative?"
"I would like to see you try." Tony just shrugged in response and started reaching for the call button.
"If you touch that button, I will make your life a living hell."
The threat did nothing against the smirk that was now on his face. "But at least I'll still be alive."
"Fine, but just tonight."
"Won't ask for anything more." Gibbs closed his eyes and had soon drifted back to sleep.
Tony got himself as comfortable as possible in the chair and was soon asleep himself.
***
When Gibbs woke up later he winced at the headache and noticed the stiff muscles when he tried to sit up. Just then Tony came through the door holding coffee. He would never say it, but the younger agent was forgiven for keeping him in the hospital as long as he got that coffee cup. So when Tony handed him a cup, he gratefully accepted it. He took a sip and settled back in the bed.
"So... When can I get out of here?"
"As soon as Ducky comes here. They found a body this morning that he had to take care of first. The dead comes before the living." The smile Tony had was reassuring. He had for a moment been afraid that he would have to let him go if he hadn't pulled it together. He still looked tired, but the rings under his eyes wasn't as dark and his eyes had more of their old sparkle.
"A case comes first."
Tony was about to reply when Ducky stepped into the room. He looked sad.
"What's going on, Duck?"
"They found another body in the park."
Tony looked at Ducky "I thought the body was found in a hotel parking lot?"
"It was. This is another one."
"You think we have a possible serial killer out there?"
"Yes, and we have reason to believe that it's a antimilitary thing. All the victims have been members of the Marines, Navy or members of an investigation team associated with the military."
"Why? Was there another shooting?"
"Agent Jamer is in surgery now and agent Coller died instantly at the scene."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony's nightmares
Chapter End Notes:
Kathy's psycho plot bunnies... I bow down in the dust. THANK YOU!
And of course Kathy for the beta.
Btw... I'm really stuck here, so I'm sorry I'm slow.
And of course Kathy for the beta.
Btw... I'm really stuck here, so I'm sorry I'm slow.