THURSDAY
A doctor is supposed to diagnose an illness, and to the best of his ability, treat the root cause of the problem.
Either I am a terrible doctor, and I am certainly questioning my credentials, or the root cause of the problems faced by Agent Gibbs' team is...insanity.
I am afraid to administer any more mental health tests. I'm afraid of what a Rorshach test might result in.
I have a colleague I still visit sometimes in his padded room. He had been assigned by the government to analyze the team dynamics of the leading law enforcement teams in the country, in the hopes of reproducing those qualities elsewhere - trying to capture lightning in a bottle, if you will, in the hopes of building it again.
For one particularly odd ATF team, he had resorted to the inkblot test in desperation: one told him it looked like a blind kindergartner's fingerpaintings, one told him every spot looked like a bullethole because it was black, and one took the picture of a couch and described a nineteenth century Wild West town.
The only normal responses came from two men, and the second finally admitted that the could see the real answers to every picture reflecting off my friend's glasses, which of course calls into doubt the first man's responses...since abnormality was the rule, not the exception.
So, in true desperation, I have decided to treat the symptoms. If Director Morrow is worried they are nervous and tense and sniping at each other - they can't think of anything nice to say to each other (isn't that the truth) - then that is what we will work on. All I need is to make it to Friday.
I am truly calling in to question my calling as a doctor.
"What're we going to do today, doc?" Tony asked cheerfully as they settle in the big, comfortable lounge area in Bethesda.
"Well, I thought that perhaps we might have a big group hug, just to reward ourselves for getting this far," the doctor began brightly.
Tony, McGee, Abby, and Kate immediately began laughing, and Ducky chuckled, too. Gibbs looked amused.
Tony was laughing so hard he couldnt sit up. "Boy, Doc, that was the most cathartic laugh I've had all week."
"'Cathartic'?" Kate asked. "I'm impressed. Was it that smart Georgetown junior?" McGee snickered.
Tony glared. "No. Is it so difficult to think I might actually have a vocabulary, Kate?"
"It was the college philosophy student we interviewed after the Briery murder," Gibbs replied, grinning.
"Ah...." Kate grinned as McGee laughed and carefully moved his chair out of Tony's arm's radius. "Thank you, Gibbs, for the clarification."
"Thanks, boss," Tony muttered sarcastically.
"'Welcome."
"I'm glad you find this all so amusing," Dr. Havsy said in annoyance, "but I was serious about the hug."
The resulting silence was palpable.
"You...you want...us...to hug each other?" McGee asked in confusion, the first to recover. Tony was still staring in open-mouthed shock.
"Yes." Dr. Havsy looked almost smug. Since they had to do what he said, he had to admit, this felt good, this revenge.
Even if revenge meant forcing them to hug each other.
They sat staring at him, and then Kate and Abby, who were sitting next to each other, hugged. Then they each hugged Ducky and McGee.
"Hey, can I make out with Abby and Kate?" Tony joked. Gibbs whacked him in the head.
"Come now. The ladies started the ball rolling, and now the rest of you have to do it."
Ducky and McGee gave each other half-hugs, pats on the back. Tony clapped Ducky on the back and tossed a thumbs-up at McGee, who nodded back in acknowledgement.
Gibbs glared at them all.
Kate started laughing, and Abby soon joined in. When Tony glared at them, they just started laughing harder. When Gibbs glared at them, Abby stopped, but insisted, "This is funny." Kate just kept laughing, so hard that tears streamed down her face.
"Doctor," Ducky said seriously, "perhaps another activity would be more constructive, although it appears Tony and Abby and Caitlin have all had their catharsis."
"Yes, well." Dr. Havsy pointed out the stack of mats. "We are going to learn how to relax."
"You mean all of us but Gibbs," Tony joked as they each got one and set them down across the room.
"Now, all of you lie on your backs, and breathe in, and breathe out."
There were a couple deep breaths, and suddenly Tony began hacking violently. Abby rushed out to get some water as the others quickly sat up, Dr. Mallard checking his wheezing.
"Sorry doc," Tony wheezed. "Still having some aftereffects of the plague." He sipped some of the water Abby gave him, his red face slowly restoring its normal color. "Whew. Thanks, Abs."
"Skip the deep breathing." Gibbs glared at the psychiatrist.
"Yes, of course," Dr. Havsy muttered, flustered at what just happened. "Imagine yourself on a...sunny beach."
"Oh no," Kate groaned.
"What?"
"That's a preemptive groan," Kate sighed. "Four, three, two, one - "
As if on cue, Tony swallowed the last bit of his water and lay back, saying, "I love Puerto Rico. The sun, the sand, the - "
"DiNozzo."
"Kate, do you remember the two-piece I got you from - "
"PIGS! I work with PIGS!"
"Hey! Gibbs was the one who asked you if you were going to try it on!"
"PIGS!"
"Now, now, let's try to calm down," Dr. Havsy said impatiently. "Imagine a beach...without two-pieces."
"Awww," Tony groaned. On one side, Gibbs leaned over and bopped him on the head. "Ow."
"The wind is blowing softly, and the waves have been gently washing away the sand, so - "
"That reminds me of a case of a sailor's body found buried on the shores of Australia," Ducky commented from where he was lying, holding up a finger as he spoke. "He had been buried deep in a sandy cleft, but as the sea rose, it began to wear away the sand, and one time it just lifted the body and washed it ashore a couple miles down current. Imagine the horrified expressions of the sunbathers when it appeared! It took us quite a few days to find the original site where it was - "
"Ducky," Gibbs groaned.
"Close your eyes," Dr. Havsy said through clenched teeth.
"Hey, sounds like we're not the only ones who need relaxation classes," Tony joked.
"I DO NOT NEED RELAXATION CLASSES! I NEED YOU TO LEAVE!"
"Really?" Tony sat up, his eyes hopeful, as did the others. "Do you want us to go now?"
"Lie down!" Havsy roared.
"Someone's got his panties in a bunch," Tony muttered as he obeyed. "Mr. Tighty Twisty Pants."
"Yeah," McGee added. "You'd think he was the one under stress, not us."
"Lie down and close your eyes," Havsy growled. "Now."
The six obediently lay back and closed their eyes.
"Now imagine a nice, sunny place somewhere...not to hot, not too cold. A beautiful day for being outside."
"Actually, it was a clear day when some young Boy Scouts went on a trip, and one poor young fellow discovered the crow-eaten, faceless body of a dead lieutenant washed up on - "
A snore cut Ducky off.
"Hey," Tony said with a grin. "McGee snores."
Kate was already curled up on her side, asleep. Gibbs covered his eyes with his arm, and ignored the doctor.
"This is as nice as sleeping in your lab, Abs," Tony said a little sleepily. "Just without the farting animal toy."
Abby chuckled.
Ducky's ramblings suddenly fell short, and he was asleep.
Dr. Havsy looked down at his page, seething. They were not supposed to be asleep. They were supposed to be relaxing.
"Marines' rule, doc," Tony said, yawning. "Never run when you can walk, never walk when you can stand, never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down...and SLEEP."
"And since when were any of you, besides Gibbs, in the Corps?" Havsy said sharply.
"Us?" Tony smiled as he closed his eyes. "We joined when we met Gibbs."
Havsy glared. A sleepy sniffle was his only response.
This has to be the story of my life: they are asleep, and I am tense and unsettled on the day that I am supposed to teach relaxation.
I hate this job.
Chapter End Notes:
Posted to ff.net 9/18-9/23/05.