Lonely Day
Chapter one: sleepless
It's the day women wait for. For men, as for Tony, it makes them nervous! Tony's wedding was only four days away. But for Kate it started to be pure horror. The wedding of Tony DiNozzo and one of her best friends. Something wasn't right there. She should be happy for them. Tony, the man who had more women a month than most men in their life is going to marry, to live with one woman forever. And her good friend Susan, who wanted nothing more than the perfect man to get old with. But she felt so bad about it. The thought of Mrs.Susan DiNozzo make her shiver. It just didn't sound right. It was on their engagment party she felt the first time like that. When Tony said it. "In two weeks I'll make Susan Michaels to Mrs.Susan DiNozzo." It was that second when Kate realized what it meant. It didn't mean that he had meaningless sex with some woman. It meant he's going to spent his life with Susan. And she will see it. She will see them marry, be married, get children, be happy. She felt a piercing pain in her stomach at that tought. What was it that she felt so misserable about this fucking wedding?
It was nearly midnight but Kate didn't feel to sleep. She was more awake and more tired than ever in her life at the same time. She wanted to get rid of this thoughts, to get some sleep, to stop her head swimming. It was the first time since high school that she was only a bit confused like that. What was it that helped her then? Diary came to her head. She turned on the light and went on looking for papers. She sat on her bed. She was never someone who wrote to herself. She felt better to write letters to the ones who are involved in her confusion. So she intend to do this time.
"Dear Tony"
But what to say? What was this all about?
"In the last few days I felt terrible. I know that you probably didn't noticed but it was the worst week of my life! I felt this way since your engagment party..."
Kate wrote on this letter for the rest of the night and hadn't finished yet. There were to many feelings to get to the bottom of it. She took the letter with her to the bullpen. It was a calm day. No case, only a few files to work on. Tony was playing some game on his computer and Kate had the chance to finish her letter. Now she is sitting opposite him and all her feelings were visible to her, she wrote without thinking, everthing seemed to fit in and after 15 pages full of nonsence there were standing two sentences. The two sentences she really wanted to say but couldn't. But for now they were out. And only known to herself. Even she didn't realized that she was the one who wrote them. "Don't marry her! I love you!" She couldn't believe that's that what she wanted. She wanted him to leave her friend to be with her! That was more than cruel. But he didn't know, and Susan didn't . It was then when Gibbs told them to go home. She knew that it'll be another sleepless night.
Chapter two: first wave of fear
"I weren`t dressed so fancy at my own wedding!"
"You mean wedding-s!" Tony said to his boss, stepped next to him to look into the mirror and earned a headnut for the comment.
"Please don't do that on saturday! That would be embarrassing!"
"I never make promisses!" answered Gibbs coldly. The two man were watching eachother and themselves in the mirror.
"Why am I doing this!"
"Because you're going to marry in two days and I guess she doesn't want you to be naked, not so soon at least."
"I mean why am I going to marry her?"
Gibbs looked surprised at him.
"I guess because you love her, and want to spent your life with her, and... I don't know I'm not thinking long before marrying, you should know that."
"I'm insane! Me? A husband? That's not working! Listen to that, Here is Tony DiNozzo, Husband. That's just wrong! It's: here is Tony DiNozzo, bachelor, on purpose! It was always like that!"
"You're right! You are insane! Things can change, Tony! You'll get use to be a husband! To come home staight after work and give her every cent you earn! You are nervous! That's normal! I would be more worried if you weren't!"
Tony didn't look at hisbest man. Maybe he wasn't an expert to keep a marriage going, but when it comes to weddings he has experiences! Yeah! Probably he's right! Normal prewedding fear!
"But do I have to look like a penguin?!"
Chapter three: white lie?
Only one day to go. Kate thought she has to throw up when Abby called her.
"Bachelorette party?"
It was the worst thing she could ímage. Not only that she had to watch Tony marry another woman tomorror, now she had to listen to this woman talking about how happy she is to have him. Abby of course didn't know about her feelings. She didn't told it anyone. It wouldn't make any difference. By tomorror everything will be over, and by now she only wanted to get these two days to be over.
"You know, I don't feel well! I guess I'd better stay at home, take a bath..."
"Honey, you are the first bridemaid! Actually you should have organized this night! But don't worry about that! Just come! No excuse!"
Abby was right! There was no excuse!
At 8 p.m. They were standing in front of a club, waiting. All Kate could think about was to get this evening over and done with. She thought to herself that she is going to be ill at 10, if it takes so long!
It was nearly 10 when the conversation came to the subject she feared the most.
"How did you manage to bind this man to you?", ask one of the brightmaids.
For a second Kate thought how she can show them that she is really sick without spewing her dinner all over the table, but Susan said something what brought her immediately back into reality.
"I told him that I could be pregnant."
"You clever bitch!", everybody giggled except Kate and Abby.
"You told him your pregnant? You lied to him so that he marries you?" Kate couldn't believe it.
"I told him that I am perhaps pregnant. I told him it's to early to test."
"But you aren't late or something?"
"No! But I'm not on the pill anymore, so it's only a question of time!"
"But in fact you lied to him!"
"That's not a real lie. Maybe a white lie!"
"A white lie?"
chapter four: dreaming
It was a clear summer day when the Team had a barbecue at Tony's place. They were celebrating the case they had just finished. It was a evening full of laughter and joy, just as Tony likes it. It seemed like a second later that he and Kate were standing alone in his kitchen. No matter what he'd say she insisted to help him with the dishes.
"You did everything tonight! Let me do this now! Relax a bit, you were a good host!"
Tony knew she can be stolid so he sat down at the table.
"I'm glad it all turned out good."
Tony glanced up at her. He didn't know what she's talking about.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that you didn't marry Susan last month! I mean I saw my last chance on you fading away but I was too afraid to do something!"
Tony couldn't think. He had left Susan and was know with Kate. It was wierd.
"Yeah, well I , em, had some good reasons to cancel the wedding, right?", why didn't he remember? Fuck it, what happened?
"I guess I am a good reason!" She smiled at him.
"Yeah!" he was confused.
"Of course there were more reasons!"
Tony looked up at her. Say it, so I remember! She didn't go on. Instead she turned to him and came close.
"You'll soon know it, even when you're awake!"
Chapter five: hidden in dreams
It was all gone. It wasn't that warm summer day. It was night. He lay soaked with sweat alone in his bed. He tried to figure out what happened. He looked at his alarmclock and saw that it was the day before his wedding. It was a dream! It didn't feel like one. It felt real, it felt right! Cold panic ran through his veins. He looked at his alarmclock again. Ten to midnight. In ten hours and ten minutes he'll marry. His throat went dry. He barely could breath. Suddenly Abby appears in front of his eyes.
"Every dream means something! We all have secrets even to ourselves and those are hidden in dreams!"
He couldn't tell if she really ever said that to him. But it sounded like her! But what was this secret hidden in this dream? Now, when he tried to remember the memory faded away in huge waves. He leant back and closed his eyes. He had left Susan. But why? Even in the dream he didn't know. There was Kate, and she knew it! And she was a reason. He rubbed his eyes. What was this fucking secret? Was it even a reason? Now, he realized that, maybe, his fear was not the normal one you get before you marry but a feeling he had inside, that he shouldn't marry her. He stood up. He couldn't lie her. He couldn't think here. He started getting dressed and went out of his house.
Chapter six: pangs and a flight
He`s going to marry a woman who lied to him. Kate couldn't believe it. She was furios when she drove home. As much as she wanted him to not to marry her she couldn't just call at his door and destroy all his plans for the future. On the other hand it would propably end his relationship. Either the one or the other way made her feel bad. She had to choose between liing to him, what made her worse than Susan or making him feel cheated on. But she hadn't more time to think about because her cell phone rang. It was a calmly speaking Gibbs.
"Have you seen DiNozzo?"
In the backround she heard the high pitched voice of an extremly nervous McGee.
"Abby? Hi! DiNozzo's lost! On his wedding day! LOST!"
"Tony's lost?" Kate asked worried.
"Yeah, well, we wanted to take him to a surprise bachelor party but he's not at home, and doesn't answer his cell phone. He's propably got panic! Do you know where he could be?"
"No, but I'll go looking for him!"
"Propably he'll come back soon!"
Gibbs wanted to comfort her, but it didn't work.
Chapter seven: truth must be said, but how
Kate drove through the city, went in every clup she knew Tony ever was but she didn't find him. The sun started to rise. She stopped her car and thought. Where could he be. If he's got panic, where would he go. Where does he feel secure. Where would no one, only people who really know him expect him. And there it was! The bullpen! To come in there at night wasn't difficult. There was always a team, mostly their team, working through night. She drove there, and went to their place. Tony was sitting at his desk, reading something concentrated. What is he reading so interested? All of a sudden she knew it! The letter! She had forgot it! It was lying on her desk when she had left the office three days earlier but now it didn't lie there.
"Tony?"
He looked up at her. His expression unreadable. For a moment she hesitated.
"That," pointing on the papers in his hand, "wasn't meant for you!" it sounded like an reproach.
"It says "Dear Tony"!" he defended himself.
"Yeah, but it wasn't really for you! It was privat. Have you never wrote a letter and didn't gave it to the person?"
"No, normally I give them the letters!"
Kate sighed deeply.
"Why didn't you say anything?" he felt confused. He came here to clean his mind. To undo his confusion. But he found the letter. And now it was worse than before.
"I only became aware of this a few days ago. And I didn't want do destroy everything you built up."
She tried to read his mind. She was a profiler and a good one. But now she had no idea what he was thinking.
"I'm not sure it's worth!"
She couldn't say anything. She wanted to tell him that he is right. That Susan is not worth to protect. That all his plan he built on a lie. But she couldn't. He wouldn't believe her now he knows about her feelings. She wanted to tell him the truth, but how?
"What are you doing here? I mean, you came here before you've read that!"
"I could ask you the same question! I wanted to be alone!", that was a reproach.
"Gibbs called me! They were looking for you."
"As I said! I wanted to be alone! I needed to think!"
"About what?"
"About my wedding!" he didn't want to talk about it right now. He didn't want to deal with his preweddong fear, his feelings for Kate or with this letter! Why did she posed it here? Why did he find it? Why did he read this fucking letter? He got up. He didn't want to see Kate. Didn't want to see her asking eyes.
"It's not fair!" he said quiet.
"What?"
"That you posed this letter here, that I read it, that I have to deal with that,too now!" He wanted to smash something. He wanted to cry out loudly!
"Tony, I meant it! That you shouldn't marry her. When I wrote it it was only a egoistical wish but now, she is not pregnant! Not even possibly pregnant! She only said that so that you marry her!"
"Kate, please! I'm going to marry her today! In five hours I'll be married!"
Chapter eight: lonely day
It's the day women wait for. For men, as for Tony, it makes them nervous! It was the day of Tony's wedding and for Kate it was the worst day of her life. She was lying on her bed, crying. It was nine fifteen and she knew that there is no way of getting what she's longing for. She'll never be with her beloved Tony. About two years were they working together, feeling more than friendship. But they were never able to show it because of Gibbs' rules! And now, she showed him her love. And that was what ensure him to marry Susan, the one who lied to him! She knew he wouldn't believe her, but she said it. She didn't explain it, she just said it. She felt this gab in herself. A gab only Tony could fill. But he wasn't there and she felt cold and lonely. Left alone. She couldn't go there! She couldn't watch him saying the words I will.
It was nine fifteen and Tony was standing in a room in the church. He tried to get his clothes on. His hands didn't want to do what he wanted. They were shaking and sweaty. He looked into the mirror. It was not fear he felt. It was the cold feeling of lonelyness. He sat down on the ground in a corner of the room. Back and head against the cold wall which felt burning compared to his inside. The tiredness after the sleepless night came over him. He closed his eyes. Only to feel the air he breathed uneasily. He saw himself standing in the bullpen. All his team mates, his friends and his family standing far away. They were standing so far away he could barely see them. He had this dream often. Once a month, sometimes more. He always tries to reach them, but never gets any further. He calls for them, but noone notices it. He can hear them laugh. More than anything else he wants to get there. He saw Susan standing there. She looks at him. Laughing. Laughing at him. Laughing at his unsuccessful tries to get close. Laughing at him because he believed her being pregnant. Then there was Kate. She came near to him. He reached out his hand. Tried to hold her. A single tear ran down her cheek. All of a sudden he was standing in the middle of them all. There are Gibbs, Abby, McGee, Ducky, his father, his friends and Susan. He hold her close to himself in his arm. He looked around and saw Kate standing far away. Still crying she turnes away and goes. She's out of sight. Tony opened his eyes. The coldness in himself is going to freeze him. It'll kill him. He didn't want to be close to the woman who lied to him, he didn't want to be close to his work mates, friends and family. Not as strong as he wanted to be close to Kate.
There was a knock on the door. It opened and Gibbs stepped into the room.
"It's time! Now or never!"
Chapter nine: Play me the blues
It was the hardest walk he ever had. He was standing in front of the alter. But he wanted to run. Gibbs went on telling him there was no need to be nervous, but he wasn't listening. He was staring at the crucifix. In that moment he would have loved to switch places. He wanted to feel something else but this extrem coldness inside. This burning desire to run. Nails in his hands and feet would be a relief against this. The organ music started to play and he turned. He did it as he trained it. Like a dog sitting on demand he turned. The music should have been happy. It should say that this is a good day. That this is going to be the best day of their life. But to Tony it didn't sound so. It didn't even feel like his wedding. It felt like his on burial. And he was standing at the grave. Seeing his coffin getting closer. He saw Susan in her white dress. It didn't impress him. Colors seemed to have lost their meaning for him. He didn't feel happy, excited or however you should feel seeing your bride walking to you. She seemed like a widow to him. He didn't even really looked at her. It was in that second he realized Kate wasn't there. It was trained! She should have come before Susan. But he were looking in Susan's shining face instead of Kate's. And it felt unreal. It felt wrong.
"Give me another one!" Kate was sitting in a bar. She sipped on her third whiskey.
"Don't you think you should go home, young lady?" said the barkeeper worried.
"The man I love is marrying another woman. It think if that's not the right moment for drinking, there doesn't exist one."
A jazz band was starting their rehearsal for the evening.
Kate felt more weak than ever.
"Play me the blues!"
Chapter ten: Hangover feels better
It was dark when Kate got out of the cap. She didn't remember how much she had drunk but she knew that it won't be good morning! She took up the post lying behind her door. It wasn't much, but there was a letter from Tony. She needed a few moments to focus on the writing. He must've sended it days ago. She open it and a letter and a photo fell out of the envelope. She felt the paper of the letter and smelled Tony's aftershave. She closed her eyes and held it under her nose before reading the few lines on it.
"Dear Katie,
Susan just got the pictures of the engagment party back and I found this one. I thought you would like have it. It's one of us when we danced. You know that Susan has to learn a lot when it comes to salsa!"
Kate smiled a little at this comment. She took the picture and looked at it. They were smiling. It didn't look like they are dancing. It looked like an embrace. Tears came up to her eyes. She took the letter again.
"I guess we would have made a good couple, too, don't you think? Just a joke I'll give me a headnut myself! See you soon! Tony"
All the feeling she tried to wash away with the alcohol came back to her.
Tears were running down her check and she didn't even try to hold them back. Crying was not a relief but she hadn't the strengh to fight against it either.
And she knew that she'll cry until she falls asleep and when she wakes up. And she knew that a hangover feels better than that.
Chapter eleven: Things can change, Tony
Tony was sitting at a table in a bar. He had done it. He had asked her in front of their families, friends and work mates. "Are you pregnant?" The older ladys among the guest gasped for air. He smiled at that thought. And she couldn't answer. She lied to him and he knew. He saw it in her eyes. That's part of his job. Knowing if somebody lies. And she did. Why hadn't he noticed it earlier. Why hadn't he believed Kate? OH NO! Kate! How could he undo his mistake. How could he tell her what he feels. But he couldn't! Gibbs would know! Gibbs always knows! He sipped on his bear. It wasn't refreshing, it wasn't satisfying. It didn't even taste. Not even like water. It was like air in his throat. He had to become clear, to get rid of this fucking smoking. He closed his eyes. He saw himself standing in front of Kate. Only a few inches apart from him. But he couldn't get to her. There was something holding him back. It was on him to make a step to her. She came as close as she could. Now it was his turn. But he felt hands around his upper arms. He looked back and saw Gibbs. He yelled at him but no sound came out of his mouth. Gibbs looked pityful at him. Tony knew that he wanted to let him go but he couldn't. Tony wanted to ask for it. To beg for. But he didn't have the words to explain. To tell his boss how he's felling. How he yearn for Kate. He looked back at her and again a single tear is running down her cheek. He wanted to wipe it away. To tell her that everything is going to end good. But he couldn't move. He opened his eyes and felt a tear running down his own cheek.
"You did the right thing!", his boss was sitting next to him. Looking at him intensly. He wanted to yell. To scream. To smash that cold face of Gibbs. He didn't know a thing! He didnt't know about his feelings, and he didn't know why he is sitting here.
"I guess Kate told you about Susan?"
How can he dare to use her name in that way. So unknowing what this name is related to. To what beauty. To what goodness. He wished noone would ever use her name but he. Noone other who doesn't feel for her like he does. Anger grew in his chest. It felt good. It wasn't painful, it was the healing feeling he longed for. It was refreshing.
"Why don't you go to her?"
The anger swept away a little. What did Gibbs wanted to tell him?
"I guess she told you about her, feelings?"
The anger grew again. He used the word feelings like any other words. But they were more! More than just a word, too worthy to be mixed with others to a sentence.
"Why are you here anymore? I know everything you want is to see her, tell her you didn't marry, and I know that she wants to hear it."
Tony found his voice. He didn't got the tone he wanted. It wasn't as strong as he wanted. It was just stong enough to be heard.
"What about your rule?"
Gibbs gave him a rare smile.
"As I already said. Things can change, Tony."
Chapter twelve: the end of the loneliest day of their life
It was 11 p.m. when Tony's car stopped outside Kate's place. He stood at the door. He didn't knock, nor rang the bell, nor moved in any other way. It seemed to be too much effort and he needed every strengh to say what he wanted to say. But he couldn't think of it. Everything seemed too small. An excuse for treating her the way he did in the office this morning. He hadn't one. Words to describe his deep feelings for her. None. He breathed hardly. He knocked. At the second she opened the door he lost the ground under his feet. He didn't know where he was, what he was going to do. He even forgot his own name the moment he saw her face. Serious, sad. Her hazelnut eyes. Red and swollen by crying. He saw that she had been hurt. And he wanted to kill the one who did it. But then he realized that it was he. He had read the letter he wasn't supposed to get. He didn't believed her saying Susan wasn't pregnant. He took her feelings and stomped on them.
"Shouldn't you be with your wife? I don't wanna be the reason that your honeymoon's having a bad start!"
"I didn't marry!" It was all he could say. There were so much running through his head but it didn't came out. Two years of hidden feelings wanted to come out. But no word in this or any other language seemed to be enough. Her eyes were glaring at him.
"Sorry..." he didn't know how to end it.
But there was no need. She came close to him and kissed him. All the cold lonelyness in him was washed away by her warm lips. He never wanted to end the kiss. He was waiting for this not only two years but his whole life. And so did she.
Chapter thirteen: First day of our life
It's the day women wait for. For men, but not for Tony, it makes them nervous. It was Tony's wedding day. In about twenty minutes he'll make Special Agent Caitlyn Todd his beloved partner in field and life to Special Agent Mrs. Caitlyn Todd DiNozzo. There was no fear, no panic, no coldness inside. He stood in front of the mirror. His smoking fitting perfectly. There was a knock on the door.
"It's time! Are you ready?", his boss and best man was standing in the door.
Tony looked at him "Sure!"
"No prewedding fear?"
"Nope!"
"Now I'm worried!
Tony gave him a grin.
It was the easiest walk in his life. He stood at the alter. Gibbs and McGee at his side. He was beaming with excitement. The music started. It sounded like heavens music. Their nephwes and nieces showed up throwing petals. The first bridemaid, Abby came. And there she was. His shining bride. She look like an angel to him.The minute she walked towards him seemed like hours, but he knew that she'll be with him. At his side. For the rest of their lifes.
END
Story Notes:
It's my first fic and I'm german so please be nice!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony's going to marry and Kate realizes what she really want
Chapter End Notes:
It's my first fic and I'm german so please be nice!