Chances
His wandering gaze roamed about her features. Hazel eyes with beautiful little green dots looked in his direction, but didn't seem to focus on him. Her shoulder-lenghted auburn hair was played with by a small breeze and some strands were waven in front of her face. Thin rosy lips were turned up in a little smile and he knew behind those lips lay two rows of perfect white teeth she now did not show. A smile made his way on his own face without him realizing it when he saw the look in her eyes. She smiled mysteriously his way and and a ting of michief flickered in her eyes like a candle in the wind. To him it almost seemed as if she was looking directly at him, although he knew that this was certainly not the case. It has been a long time since she did that. He often wondered if one of her different kind of smiles had been just for him or if those special smiles had only been reserved for the men she dated. Unfortunately he had never been one of these men. Never did she grant him the great privilege to date her. They had been friends, yes, but she wouldn't allow him to take their relationship a step further.
Sighing he watched her. It had always fascinated him how her eyes glinted in the sunlight. But all the more he was mesmerized by those hazel deeps when they twinkled with laughter. He loved to see her smile and especially loved her smirks. Those were the kind of smiles just for him he fancied. Sometimes he could have sworn that there had been lying something deeper underneath those smirks, something more meaningful and less cynical. He knew that she valued him as a friend, even though it might not have appeared so. All the time they had been bickering over such ridiculous things like who was the faster typer of them and other childish stuff he now could only laugh about. There had been hardly a time they were not seen arguing over something silly. He didn't know why they had done this, but it was part of the reason why he loved her so much.
Another sigh came from his mouth as the wind rustled through the few leafs that still held on tightly to the trees. Love. He never knew what it meant until he got to know her. All those other girls he dated over the years had meant nothing to him. They had been nothing but a mere distraction from his thoughts about her. Lovingly his eyes searched for hers, but she simply looked past him. The smile on his lips faded. He could not express in words how he longed for her to look him in the eye and tell him that everything would turn out okay. But she would not do this, that he was very well aware of. He had had his chance and he had wasted it. Suddenly all became so painfully clear to him as he watched her, traced her features with his gaze. They might have fought a lot, but there was never a doubt in either of them that they could count on each other when it came down to it. He trusted her with his life and knew that she returned that trust.
On the tree to his right a little squirrel was swiftly climbing the trunk with a small nut between his teeth and a second later it vanished into a hole in the tree. Winter was coming and a look upward told him that snow was not very far away. His gaze returned to her face. Once more searching her eyes he was remembered of chocolate. In his imagination she tasted like chocolate: sweet and tender. Maybe bittersweet, but nontheless loving and soft. Looking at her lips and lingering there for a moment with his eyes he was reminded that he had never get a chance to prove his believings right or wrong.
He wondered why it had been so hard with her when every other woman practically worshipped him. It was no secret that he was very handsome with his short brown hair and emerald eyes. Shaking his head in confusion he looked intently at her. He could get almost every woman in the world if he wanted to, but the only woman he ever had longed for had turned him down. Several times. Perhaps not intentionally, but she had made it clear where the borderline was and what he would have to face if he would ever get the idea to actually cross those invisible lines. He wisely choose to stay on safe grounds instead of risking facing her wrath. She could be scary when she was angry and in spite of the fact that she was almost every day at least one time angry with him, he knew that this was not real anger. There were only a few occasions he had seen her really angry and had sworn on these days never to unleash this anger upon himself. That would have been suicidal.
But for all that he loved to tease her about almost everything and this did make him potentially suicidal, he thought. He knew which buttons to press to make her lose her temper, even though he never pushed her too far. Her eyes were like a book to him and he knew everytime when it was time to stop his teasings and let her be. He supposed that was why she always referred to him as childish and it was indeed childish of him to tease about everything, but in his eyes she equally deserved to be called childish for more than one time it had been her who started the teasing. Maybe, just maybe she had liked those special moments as much as he did. He treasured every single one of them in his heart.
The little reddish squirrel hurried down the tree trunk and scurried away from him. It reminded him of her. Often in his thoughts he referred to her as "Squirrel". To him she looked like one, an exceptionally beautiful and intelligent human being, and it was his secret nickname for her. He could almost picture her on carnival in a squirrel costume with cute pointy ears on her head. She would have never done this, he was sure, for she was way to strict for this. Never would she have made a fool of herself voluntaringly. She had wanted to be the best at what she did and achieve her goals, fun was there not gladly seen. But he had made sure it was constantly present and at the times she was not mad at him he had done everything to get her laughing or at least smiling. He didn't know why, but he had accomlished his goal nearly every time.
A little snowflake landed gracefully on his hand and he turned his gaze upward to see more white flakes coming down. He loved snow and knew she did, too. A smile tugged at his lips as he remembered a time where there were a few snowflakes captured by her hair. To him it had been the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He remembered how her auburn hair had looked like the sky, when the sun was setting and the moon rising accompanied by many tiny twinkling stars. Her hair had looked those day as if she had captured all the stars of the sky in it and this had been the moment he had known for sure that he was in love with her. He did not know how he knew it, for he had never been in love before, but maybe it was just that: with her he felt totally different than with anyone else he had ever been with. She was special and to him the most gracious being on Earth.
Again he looked her way and observed her. He believed there was nothing he did not know about her skin, but the parts that were always hidden by her clothes. Every little freckle did he know and the fine lines on her face when she laughed were to him no secret either. There had been many times he had used rather to merely watch her than doing any of his work. It was these precious moments when she had thought everyone was occupied by something when she had let her guard down. Only then could he get a few glimpes of the real her and everytime he smiled contentedly when he found out something new about her just like she tended to touch her lower lip with the top of her pen when she was concentrating on something really hard.
He wanted to touch her, trace the lines of her face and bring her lips to his in a tender kiss, but he knew that now she was too far away for him to even have a chance of reaching her. He had wasted his chance and now had to live with the consequences. There was no way he could turn back time and show her how he felt about her or apologize for all the stupid things he had said over the years when all the time he should have told her three simple, yet meaningful words.
There was not much in his life that he regretted. It was not not getting the chance to say goodbye, he could live with that, although it was not easy. All the more pained him the sad truth that she never knew how deep his feelings for her had run and still ran. He was a coward. There was no excuse for that and he knew that for the rest of his life he would blame himself for not telling her about his feelings. Although somewhere deep inside he knew that she was aware of him being in love with her and felt attracted to him, he now regretted not having crossed her set borders. If he had had more courage, all would be different now. But he had never taken his chance, thinking he would have all the time to sort things out. He was proofed wrong, so terribly wrong. Time was a valuable thing and no one knew what it might bring. Maybe he would heal, maybe fade into another world, he did not know what the future would have in stores for him. The only thing he knew for certain was that he loved her and she loved him and that it had been stupid not to act on their feelings. A horrible mistake he must live with for the rest of his life.
He did not know how he could go on without having her there by his side, but he told himself to at least try returning and picking up the pieces of his old life for the sake of the others. After all he was not the only one that valued her as a friend or colleague and would miss her. He had to face the truth: there was no way to get her back. She was lost forever not only to him, but to the whole world.
It was hard, bitter and painful, but nonetheless he forced himself to look up from the photograph he tightly held in his trembling hands and turn his gaze to the fine lines engraved in stone in front of him. He would not say goodbye, for he did not believe that this was the end and they would not see each other again sometime, but instead wiped a single tear from his face and spoke quietly and softly those three loving words he should have said a long time ago. Gently he planted a soft kiss atop of the gravestone and wrapping his arms around himself he slowly walked away into a future without squirrels in his life.
The End
Story Notes:
Hi there! There are a few things I have to say regarding this fanfiction. I am from Germany and English is not my mother language, as you can guess. So if there are mistakes, please tell me and I will erase them. This fic was written for a contest. Non-native writers can submit an english story and this here was my first try. NCIS and Tony and Kate inspired me, though their names are not said. I hope you tell me if you liked this stories and help me erase my mistakes. Thank you for reading and have fun!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony observes Kate and thinks about chances and squirrels.
Chapter End Notes:
Hi there! There are a few things I have to say regarding this fanfiction. I am from Germany and English is not my mother language, as you can guess. So if there are mistakes, please tell me and I will erase them. This fic was written for a contest. Non-native writers can submit an english story and this here was my first try. NCIS and Tony and Kate inspired me, though their names are not said. I hope you tell me if you liked this stories and help me erase my mistakes. Thank you for reading and have fun!