Chapter 10.
Tony's doubts.
Ten minutes later, Tim and Ducky entered the quiet house finding Tony still holding Gibbs' hand and talking softly to him. Ducky couldn't hear what the younger man was saying but he was stunned by the tenderness in Tony's voice and moves.
He didn't know what had happened while they were gone but something had obviously changed between them.
Ducky walked to the couch and placed a hand on Tony's shoulder. The younger man hadn't heard them arrive.
-Hey, Ducky!
-Are you ok, Anthony?
Ducky was worried to see Tony's swollen eyes and he hoped that his friends would both be fine. Tony turned his head back to Gibbs still holding his hand tightly.
-I almost lost him, Ducky and I didn't even say to him how much I cared.
-He knows that you care, Anthony. You will have plenty of time to talk.
-Ducky, Ari tortured him. How could he be fine?
-He will heal with our help...
-You don't understand, Ducky. That bastard told him he had killed me because he cared for me. He showed him fakes pictures...He made him believe I was dead...
-God, I knew this guy was nuts but that...
Ducky was speechless. He knew how much Gibbs loved Tony and it must have been a hell for him to think Tony was dead because of him.
Gibbs began to wake up and Ducky was amazed when Gibbs sat violently screaming Tony's name. The younger man took him in his arms as if it was the most natural thing to do.
-It's ok, Jethro. I'm fine.
Gibbs buried his face in Tony's neck trying to catch his breath. After a few minutes he pulled back and looked up at his friend a shy smile on his lips.
-I'm sorry, Tony. How long did I sleep?
-Almost thirty minutes. You should take the pills Doctor Bates prescribed.
-No, I'll be fine. I just need some time.
Tony looked at him doutfully but he didn't want to push him.
-Ok, Boss. I believe you, for now.
-Thank you so much, Tony.
Tony didn't miss the sarcasm in Gibbs' voice but for once he was relieved to hear him laugh at him. Ducky smiled at the exchange between the two friends.
-Timothy and I have bought some steaks. What about a good meal? You two stay here while we take care of everything. Timothy, you're with me!
McGee hadn'tmoved since they had came back. He had been amazed to witness how Gibbs and Tony seemed to have found each other. He didn't know if they was aware of the waythey shared the same space, the way they found comfort in each other. He knew they woild need time before they could go on with their life after what had happened but he was begining to think it would be for the better.
-Timothy, are you with me?
McGee looked up at Ducky a smile on his face. He realized he may have looked stupid in the middle of the room, a huge smile plastered on his face. But for once he didn't care because he knew that he was among friends.
-Of course, Ducky.
He walked to the kitchen following the ME but he turned back to Tony and Gibbs.
-Just relax, ok? We'll take care of the meal.
-Sure Tim. No problem. I'll keep an eye on Gibbs just to be sure he's not going to move... even if you're burning down the kitchen...
Tim smiled at his new boss and went to the kitchen where Ducky was already at work.
Gibbs had tried to slap Tony at the back on the head but he had been unable to lift his arm without wincing in pain.
-Are you ok, Boss?
-I think that if you ask me this question once more I'm going to slap you no matter the pain...
-Understood Boss. Do you want to sit up a little?
-Yeah, sure Tony ... but I don't think I could manage it on my own...
-I'm here to help. You just have to ask.
-I'm not used to need anyone for such little things....
Tony didn't reply, he didn't need to. He had also felt once or twice that feeeling of helplessness and he understood that Gibbs hated being in need. But Tony would be here for him no matter how hard it may be for the older man.
He helped him sitting up on the couch, adjusting some pillows behind his back.
Tim and ducky had left after dinner and Tony was washing the dishes while Gibbs was savouring his last coffee of the day. They had spent a good time talking about everything but what had happened. Now Tony didn't know how to make Gibbs accept his help. He didn't want to leave him alone but he wasn't sure the older man would accept hm staying the night. He knew what Gibbs would say, he didn't need someone to look after him. He had already heard him use that kind of argument and while washing the plates he was trying to find a way to convince him.
He came back in the living room and found Gibbs asleep on the couch. He placed a ahnd on the older man's shoulder and Gibbs opened his eyes slowly. Tony was relieved that no other nightmare had disturbed his rest.
-Hey, you.
-Hey, Tony. sorry to let you do all the job.
-No problem, Boss. I think it's high time you go to bed.
-Sounds good to me.
Gibbs began to stand up but he landed in Tony's arms.
-Take it easy, Boss.
Tony placed an arm around his waist and helped him walk to his bedroom. Gibbs ahd never found the way to his bedroom so long and he sat on his bed breathing hard. The room was turning around him and he closed his eyes.
-Are you ok?
-Not really but as soon as the room would stop turning around i would be fine.
-You would certainly feel better if you lied down. Let me help you get off these clothes.
Gibbs couldn't help laughing at the younger man's words and Tony gave him a puzzled look.
-Why do you laugh. You are about to pass out and you are laughing at me.
-I'm not laughing at you, Tony. but you have a way of saying things...
-What? You don't want to sleep in those clothes and you can't do that yourself... So here I am...
Gibbs sobered and looked up at the young man in front of him. He had dreamt to bring that man in his bedroom but his plan didn't include the pain he was feeling. Tony sat next to him. It was obvious that the older man not comfortable with the fact that he had to rely on Tony to do simple things as getting his shirt off...
-Hey, Gibbs. You are going to heal fast and soon you would not need me. But for now, you need my help and I'm glad I can be here for you.
-I'm glad you are here too, Tony. don't misunderstand me. But it's pretty hard to have you so close and not have you at the same time...
Tony was not sure to understand what Gibbs wanted to say.
-My feelings haven't changed Tony and I should be far from here... It would be better for everyone...
Tony couldn't believe what Gibbs was saying. How could he think he would be better without him?... Well to be honest, he couldn't really blame the man after what he told him. Tony knew ha had to reassure him. He placed a hand on Gibbs' knee.
-I'm glad to be here and I don't want you to be away from me. I failed you twice in two days and believe me I won't let it happen again...
-You never failed me Tony. I can't let you say that. Everything was my fault. I decided to tell you what I was feeling for you while you were grieving Kate... then I decided it would be better if I faced Ari alone. I wasn't thinking clearly... I should have trusted you on this...
-Let's say that we were both wrong about some things. I was not able to hear or understand what you had to say at that precise moment. But I shouldn't have racted the way I did... Concerning Ari... You had been wrong. I should have been with you, you didn't need to face him alone... I t may have cost you more than broken ribs and some bruises...
-I'm aware of that Tony... Believe me. I had time to think of what may have happened. But what disturbed me the most was that I would die with you angry at me...
Tony sighed heavily. He had realized in two days how much he meant for Gibbs, how much the older man saw in him. He wasn't sure to deserve so much trust especially after the way he had reacted after Gibbs' confession. But he could still he could see this trust and this love in Gibbs' eyes right now. Gibbs was good at hiding his feelings but Tony was now able to see behind the mask. And he couldn't help the shiver running down his spine each time Gibbs was looking at him.
-You are wrong, Boss. I'm not angry at you...
-Maybe not now but you were and I can understand that...
-I wasn't really angry... Or maybe... Five minutes... I felt surprised, betrayed but mostly I felt stupid....
Gibbs frowned, he had never thought of him as someone stupid.
-What an investigator was I if I was unable to see what you were feeling for me. We've worked side by side for three years and never suspected anything. You've always been so professional...
-Not always, Tony. but I never showed it. Every time you were on the field, risking your life I was scared. But the only thing I could do was to be there and taught you how to survive... But lately it had became harder for me to hide behind the job.
-Why now? After three years? What had changed?
-First... you went missing while following a suspect... When we found you in that sewer...
Gibbs closed his eyes at the memory. He had been scared to never find him.
-I wasn't really in danger and I knew you would find me...
-Then you went on an undercover mission chained to a guy who was a serial killer... I acted like I was sure you were safe but I've never been so afraid to lose you. Even Kate saw it this time. And of course your encounter with a mortal virus... This time i couldn't even go to the hospital... I couldn't see you in that bed...
-But you were trying to find that psycho...?
-Of course but I was as always hiding behind my work... I was trying not to think about what would happen if I failed.... When I finally found the courage to go and see you, the only thing I could do was slap you at the back of your head...
-It was the only thing I needed. You ordered me to stay alive and it's all I needed to hear to be able to fight...
-That's what the boss had to do but this day I didn't want to be a boss for you... I wanted to take you in my arms and feel you were still here...I wanted to tell you that you were going to be fine.
Gibbs couldn't look at Tony. even if the younger man knew about his feelings he was not used to talking about himself so openly.
-I'm sorry, Tony. You don't need me to remind you of bad memories...
-I never thought it had been so hard for you. But I never lost hope. Because you were the one who had always been there for me. I knew you would find a way... like you always had.
-You are giving me too much credit here, Tony. you had escaped the sewer even before we found you. You had already killed the bastard when I arrived and you beated the Y-Pestis alone because there was no cure...
Tony placed a hand on Gibbs' hands and realized the older man was shaking.
-Yeah, I may have done some things alone but I've been able to do it because of you. Because I knew that you would be angry at me if I didn't try.
Tony squeezed his friend's hands while speaking. He didn't really knolw where this discussion would lead them but some things needed to be heard and said.
-I never realized how much I wanted to impress you, to try to become the man you wanted me to be. And when you left I missed you... Let me finish...
Tony had not released Gibbs' hands but now the older man was looking at him. He could feel the warmth of his eyes on him.
-Promise I won't interrupt you.
-That would be a first...!
Gibbs kept his mouth shut but a light smile appeared on his face.
-Ok... Well... It's hard to explain. When you left, I felt like I lost more than a co-worker. I told myself that after three years it was usual to become friends. I knew that we'd become close but when Morrow told us you were missing I realized imediatly that something was wrong. You would never have missed this appointment.
Tony stopped talking and looked at Gibbs. The older man's blue eyes were still locked on him.
-From that moment I tried to think that you were only late or that you had only chnaged your mind. But then we found that blood in your basement, your car parked in the middle of nowhere... I didn't want to analyse what I felt, I didn't have time for that... I had to find you. I couldn't think you were perhaps dead... I knew Ari was the one behind your abduction but I couldn't believe the worst had happened...
Tony had more and more difficulties to speak. It had taken himosme time to come to the realisation of what his reactions after what Gibbs had told him meant. And he was not sure to be ready to face it now. But the only thing he knew now was that he had to talk to Gibbs. It was the only way he would be able to make him stay.
-I belived it was only concern for a friend but I was more than scared and when I saw you on the ground... I don't remember the last time I prayed but the only thing I could think about while running to you was "Please God. Tell me he is still alive. Tell me it's not too late.."
Tony hadn't realized he was crying but a tear fell on his hand. Gibbs had not moved or talked but he was sure what to do now. When he spoke, his voice was only a whisper as if he was afraid. He didn't know what those tears meant.
-Too late for what, Tony?
-I thought Ari had killed you and that I would never be able to tell you...
-You can tell me now. I'm here Tony.
-I can't because I don't know what I want to tell you. I felt so lost and I couldn't explain why.
-You were confused by what I told you and you must have felt guilty. I know how you can be in moments like that. You were under a lot of pressure being the new boss... it's not unusual, Tony.
Tony was amazed by the older man's reaction. Gibbs was trying to explain the situation but it was not really what he needed to hear. He wanted Gibbs to tell him what he had to do with that unknown feeling.
-You don't understand. It was not another case for me. It was you and I was not here for you.
-Tony you are exhausted. I'm sure you would see it with new eyes after a good night sleep. I promise we are going to talk about it but we both had a hard day...
-Yeah you must be right, Boss.
Tony got up and faced Gibbs. This man was amazing, a minute he seemed about to break down and a moment later he was almost jumping up and down.
-So, do you need help?
-I thought I heard youtalk about getting my clothes off. I think I could use some help for that.
Tony gave him a little smile and walked back to the bed. He helped Gibbs taking his shirt and pants off and minutes later the older man was lying on soft pillows.
-Here you are! Do you need me to read you a fairy tale?
-I may need a beautiful story to avoid nightmares.
-I would be here if you have bad dreams.
-Thanks, Tony.
Gibbs closed his eyes drifting slowly into sleep. Tony put a blanket on him and stayed beside the bed looking at him. The older man seemed relaxed and Tony took a chair and sat next to the bed. Tony was not aware of his own tiredness but he was soon asleep. He knew that sleeping on a chair was not really a good idea but he didn't want Gibbs to stay alone especially tonight.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony still has doubts about his feelings