Chapter 11.
When he opened his eyes.
Tony didn't know what had awakened him but it was still dark when he opened his eyes. He searched the room what he had heard or sensed but the room was still dark and quiet. Gibbs seemed to be still asleep and Tony took a moment to stretch his arms and legs.
He knew that the house had a guest room but the couch would be good enough for him to spend the rest of the night.
He was about to exit the room when he heard a moan coming from the bed. Even if Gibbs was asleep, Tony realized that the older man was not having a restful sleep. The younger agent walked back to the bed. He didn't know what he had to do now. But he couldn't stay like that when his friend was visibly having a bad dream.
He took Gibbs' hand in his right hand, placing the left one on his forehead. Tony winced at the warmth he felt. The older man was running a fever but the first thing he had to do was to wake him up. Gibbs was becoming more and more agitated and sweat was flowing down his temples. Tony moved his hand to Gibbs' shoulder shaking him lightly.
-Boss, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
Gibbs moved to his right still holding Tony's hand in his own but he didn't open his eyes.
-Don't leave me.
Tony didn't know to whom he was talking to but Gibbs voice was tensed, almost pleading.
-I'm not going anywhere, Jethro. But you have to open your eyes.
-I'm sorry…I'm so sorry.
The older man was sobbing softly now and Tony didn't hesitate any longer and took him in his arms. He wasn't sure it was exactly what Gibbs needed but he had to comfort him, to show him he was here for him.
-It's ok, Boss. You have nothing to be sorry about. It's just a dream. Come back to me.
Gibbs had rested his head on Tony's shoulder and the younger man could feel the wetness of his friend's tears on his shirt. Gibbs was not calming down, still crying in his arms.
-Wake up, Boss. It's only a dream.
Tony was softly caressing Gibbs' hair, rubbing his back. He didn't know what else he could do. They stayed like that for long minutes before Gibbs sobs eased and Tony felt the body against his relax. The older man had not wakened up and he didn't move when Tony eased him down on the pillows.
The dream was now over but Tony didn't want to leave him alone and he decided to lie down on the free side of the bed. He listened to Gibbs' breath for long minutes to be sure he was fine. He slowly drifted back into sleep hoping that nothing would disturb Gibbs' rest.
The next time Tony opened his eyes, the sun was enlightening the room. He tried to move but he soon realized that during the night Gibbs had found his place cuddled against his side, his head rested on his chest. He needed to rest and if he was comfortable like that Tony would do nothing to disturb him.
To be honest, Tony didn't mind having him so close. It felt good to see him so relaxed and he began to relax himself, savoring the warmth of Gibbs' body against his. It was a new experience for him to wake up with a man in his bed and he would never have guessed that the first one would be Leroy Jethro Gibbs. The same man who had only two days before confessed that he was in love with him. He had reacted pretty badly…But he had had time to think about it, about what Gibbs' love meant to him and what he really felt about it.
And now he was there in Gibbs' bed with this man in his arms and he couldn't help feeling it was where he was meant to be…where he belonged. He wanted to be with him, to help going through this ordeal. He would need more time to know if he wanted more but they would have to talk about it…
The younger was still lost in his thoughts when he felt Gibbs move. Tony knew he was waking up and he didn't know how he would react with him so close. After their argument, Gibbs had kept him at arm's length, avoiding any physical contact. He had been very careful and Tony couldn't help feeling guilty.
Gibbs needed to be reassured and because of the way he had rejected him, Gibbs would not allow him to help. If only he could have taken time to think before so angrily pushing him away.
Tony placed a gentle hand on Gibbs' back but the reaction of the older man was not the one he would have expected. As soon as he realized he was cuddled in Tony's arms, Gibbs tried to get away from his hold. But he was still too weak to attempt such move and he landed on the floor on the other side of the bed.
-Are you ok, Boss?
Tony began to worry when he received no answer from Gibbs. He hurried at is friend's side hoping that he had not injured himself. He knelt beside Gibbs who had sat his back on the side of the bed.
-Could you explain what you were trying to do?
-I'm not sure myself, Tony but you were…I was…
-I see… good explanation!
Tony smiled at him. He didn't want him to feel guilty about the fact he had felt the need to be close to him. The younger man sat beside him.
-Let me try to explain what I think had just happened and why I think there was no need for such reaction.
-I'm listening to you, Tony. How would you interpret this mess?
Tony didn't miss the sad tone in his friend's voice.
-You had a pretty bad night. You may not remember but you had a nightmare earlier.
-You spent the night here?
-Yeah, I didn't want you to be alone. You've been through hell and I thought it would help you …
-Thanks, Tony.
-So, after the first alert I decided to stay here but a chair is not my favorite place to sleep. The bed was welcoming.
-So you didn't resist.
-I must confess I was tired. The last day had been tough.
-I'm sorry, Tony.
-It was not your fault. Do I need to remind you it was you the victim?
Gibbs winced doubtfully. He had still difficulties to see himself as a victim; it felt more as if he had been at the beginning of everything and he could help thinking he had deserved what had happened to him after Kate's death. Tony sensed Gibbs tense and looked at him.
-Now, you are going to listen carefully to me, Boss. You are not responsible for anything. Kate died because Ari pulled the trigger. You had been abducted because he wanted you to suffer. And don't begin to imagine it was some kind of punishment…
Gibbs lowered his eyes. He didn't want Tony to see how much he was moved by his words. He had not been aware of how much he needed to hear them before hearing Tony say them. Tony guessed that the older man was not used to showing his emotions and he decided to change the subject.
-Let's get back to my explanation. Since you told me about your feelings you began to avoid me, to keep me at arm's length. Well, I can't blame you…So, when you realized you had kin of drifted in your sleep, you were afraid that I would think…I don't really know what you thought but the most important is that you were wrong…
-About what? About what I think you thought I was thinking…?
-Yes…! No…! I was fine with the cuddling thing. It was good to have you with me after what happened.
Gibbs looked down at his hands realizing they were shaking. But it didn't really matter; the only thing he wanted to concentrate on was Tony's last words. He didn't want to hear Tony explain he was good with that because they were still friends. Being friend would never be enough for him. In the last days, he had realized he needed more than Tony's friendship and if it was what the younger man was about to offer him he'd prefer leaving.
-Tony, I know what you feel. You are relieved that I'm not dead. In all honesty I'm glad you felt that way…
-You don't understand. Waking up with you in my arms… I don't know how to explain that but it felt like it was where I belonged…
Tony had not taken his eyes off him while speaking but Gibbs hadn't looked up at him. Tony knew he had not believed one word of what he had just said. It was time to be convincing and the only way to do that was to face what he truly felt for this man.
It was hard for him to face the fact that he was probably in love with a man. He was 35 and he had never felt attracted to men before. But it was different with Gibbs form the beginning. It was a step he needed to take not only for Gibbs for also for himself.
For the first time in years, he was about to express what he was feeling in front of someone he loved.
He had never felt so nervous before. It had always been easy for him to seduce but it was definitely something else with Gibbs. First because he was a man, second because he was his former boss… but mostly because he cared a lot about him.
The older man had been through hell in the last three days and not only because of Ari Haswari but mostly because of him. Tony took Gibbs' hands, squeezing them gently.
-Could you look at me, Jethro? Please.
Gibbs fought hard not to stand up and run away. He had been scared of loosing this man but now he was afraid at the thought of what he was about to say.
When he looked up he found himself lost in Tony's hazel eyes fixed on him. How many times had he wished to have Tony look at him like that?
Tony placed his right hand on Gibbs' cheek. The older man closed his eyes leaning in the soft contact of Tony's palm on his skin.
-I hadn't realized what it really meant to you when you said you loved me. The main reason for that was that I never let anyone love me before. I couldn't afford it. There is too much to loose when you love someone. My father taught me it was a weakness to love and you know I'm a fast learner.
Gibbs was aware that Tony was giving a true gift. The younger man had never talked about his family before but Gibbs understood the reasons of that silence as he read the pain in his friend's eyes. Gibbs wanted to tell him he didn't need to do that, he didn't need to explain why he had rejected him but the younger man went on softly.
-I've never let anyone come too close to me. I never allowed myself to feel what a true love means. And when you told me about your feelings I was unable to accept them. It was impossible that someone should feel so much for me.
Tony sighed heavily.
-When I realized Ari had abducted you and that he intended to kill you…God… I never felt so helpless, so lost. It was so painful to even think about the possibility that you should be hurt or worse…
-Tony, I'm sorry…
-Please, stop apologizing, Gibbs. It was not your fault, only mine. I'd rejected the only person who had ever loved me and I've never been so afraid to loose someone; I couldn't stand it, Jethro. I had to find you, to keep you with safe with me. I'm not quite sure what it really means but what I know is that I don't want to feel that kind of pain again.
They were still on the floor and even if Gibbs was happy to have Tony so close to him, he was beginning to feel the pain in his back and ribs. His abused body didn't really like the coldness and he was aching for his bed.
-Tony?
The younger man had closed his eyes and Gibbs could see on his face that the last days had exhausted him. If only he could wash away the pain, the loss they both felt. But Gibbs was unable to deal with his own problems. How could he help Tony? He sighed realizing that Tony would need much than what he had to offer for now. Tony slowly opened his eyes looking with concern at the man beside him.
-Are you ok, Boss?
Gibbs smiled at him. He had always been amazed by the way the younger man had always been able to read his thoughts. He had been proud to be able to hide his emotions from anyone. It's sometimes a question of self preservation when you are gay. But Tony had always found a way to see through the mask.
-What?
-Nothing Tony. I was just thinking you were the only one who could read me like an open book. I wish I had been able to do the same with you. It would have avoided you being hurt.
-You didn't hurt me saying what you said but… well the fact that you fled from me and kept me away … it was pretty hard. But we would have time to talk about it later. The most important thing you have to worry about now is to rest and heal. I'll take care of you… So what can I do for you, Sir?
-Don't "Sir" me, Tony. I'm out of it.
-That's fine for me. Let me help you climb on that bed. You look like someone who could use some more sleep.
-You see! I begin to think you are a mind reader.
-Only with you, Jethro.
Gibbs could see how serious Tony was saying those words and he felt a comforting warmth spreading through his aching body. Even if he didn't dare to hope that one day Tony would love him back, he was glad to have somehow regained his friendship. He had not realized before how much he had missed it.
Tony helped him up but the fast move was too much for him and he landed in Tony's arms trying to catch his breath.
-I'm sorry, Tony. I just need a minute there.
-No problem, Boss. We're going to do this at your rhythm. Tell me when you're ready.
Gibbs tried to raise his head but the room began to spin around. He felt suddenly dizzy and realized he was falling when he felt Tony's arms around his waist.
-I've got you, Boss.
Tony took the older man in his arms and carried him to his bed. Gibbs' face was pale now and Tony's worry grew when he saw the obvious pain his friend was in.
-I'm going to give your pills for the pain.
-I just need to rest for one or two days and after I will be fine and ready to go back to work.
Tony realized that the last events hadn't made him change his mind about his transfer. The young man had somehow hoped he would reconsider it now. He had forgotten how stubborn the man could be.
-I'm not a doctor but I can say by the way you look that two days wouldn't be enough.
-What's wrong with the way I look?
Tony was amused by the pretended hurtful look Gibbs was giving him. It was new for them to feel free to joke like that. And the least he could say was that it felt good and easy to act as friends. Tony realized he had not answered and was still openly staring at the man in front of him.
-It was not a trap, Tony. I know I must look like shit right now.
Tony walked to the bed and sat beside him. He was unable to talk, afraid to say the wrong thing in the wrong way.
-You're beginning to scare me Tony. You seem so serious suddenly. Tell me what's wrong?
Tony took a moment to gather his thoughts and build a meaningful sentence.
-I was only thinking that I didn't want you to go away from me. Not now that I have you safe here with me.
Gibbs frowned still looking at him.
-I'm sorry to tell you that Tony but it's not your decision to take. The way I feel for you doesn't mean you have something to say about the choices I've made.
The older man didn't sound angry, he was only stating facts. Tony knew he was right but the feeling that Gibbs belonged there with him was even stronger now.
-I know but you are home here and I don't talk only about the house. I mean you have your job, this place…
-They are not who I am.
-So tell me Gibbs. What makes you who you are?
It was a hard question to answer and Gibbs didn't know if the answer even existed. He doubted there could be something which could explain what his life was made of.
-Explain me what makes you go on, Gibbs?
Tony was pushing him and Gibbs could feel his eyes trying to see through him, trying to guess what he was really thinking. He couldn't begin to answer because he was not sure Tony wanted to hear what he had to say. Tony didn't want to know the only thing that had made him able to go on after his three failed weddings, his retirement from the Marine and so many losses had been him… Anthony Michael Dinozzo.
From the time he had hired him he had begun to change. Only Ducky had noticed the slight changes in his old friend. The ME had told him it was good to see him smile so often.
Tony was still looking at him concerned by the absent look on his friend's face. The older man seemed far away from here, lost in some memories.
In many ways, Tony realized he was only beginning to learn who Gibbs really was. They had worked side by side for years he had never guessed how much this man was hiding from him. The new agent he had been had tried to solve the mystery who was Gibbs. But he had only learnt what the older man had been willing to give him.
Today he was able to see the real Gibbs; he could see the pain, the losses even if he was still trying to hide.
As he was there sat on Gibbs' bed, trying to make the man speak about himself, Tony realized that it would be impossible for him to let this man go. Even if he was still not sure he would one day be able to love him the way he deserved to be loved, he was sure he wanted to be a part of his life and make him a part of his.
Now he had admitted it to himself, the hard part would be to make Gibbs accept it. After their argument and the way Tony had reacted to Gibbs' confession it would be hard to make him believe that he had finally come to terms with his own feelings. He had to find a way to tell him how much he cared. But it was definitely not the right time.
Gibbs was still weak after his face to face with the terrorist and the emotional weight of the last days could still be visible on Gibbs' tensed face.
-I guess I would have to wait for my answer…
Tony smiled at Gibbs trying to enlighten the mood of the man and was relieved when he received a slight smile in return.
-I'm going to let you sleep for now. I will call Ducky to see if he could come tonight….only to be sure you are fine.
Gibbs winced but he didn't object. He was aware of the weakness in his muscles and the blur his brain seemed to be glued in.
-I'm sure I'm fine but if it could make you be less mother hen.
-I'm not other henning you!
-Sure Tony if you say so… so you slept half the night on a chair because…?
-Hey, I was just sitting there until you fall asleep and I fall asleep before I realize it…
-Ok and you took a week off because you wanted to go fishing.
-I want to be there for you but I don't want to be your mother. You don't have to name it but if you need to use a word to explain why I'm here you could say care, friendship…love…
Even if the last word was said in a whisper… it was ringing in Gibbs' ears…
Tony knew his message had been received loud and clear and that Gibbs needed time to process.
-Try to sleep. I'll wake you for lunch and your pills.
-Sure, Tony.
Tony exited the room relieved that Gibbs had not yelled at him. He wanted to see it as a good sign. Even if things were not in order yet, they were on the good way and for the first time in days Tony dared to hope…
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony begins to realize what Gibbs really means to him.