Chapter 12.
Learning…
Tony had finished preparing lunch when he sensed more than heard Gibbs come in. The older man had always liked scaring him standing behind him when Tony was not expecting him. The man must have been a cat in another life but Tony had developed a new ability to avoid Gibbs taking him by surprise.
He had learnt to "sense" him. He could not explain how it worked but he had noticed that every time Gibbs was near him, there was a slight change in the air, like a vibration…something like that. Now the younger man was "hyper" aware of Gibbs presence near him. He liked playing with that and doing as if he did not know the man was there. He had learnt, in his years as a cop, that it was sometimes clever to pretend not to know.
-Slept well?
Tony hadn't turned but he could almost see the smile on Gibbs' face. Finally, putting down his toast, he faced his friend. He had been right…maybe Gibbs had not been far from the truth when he had called him a mind reader…even if, himself he would have said he was a Gibbs-reader.
He stayed there watching Gibbs' face warmed up as he was drinking his first coffee. The older man was savoring coffee as if it was the most expensive liquor. Tony could read every emotions passing in those blue eyes: tiredness first but there was also something he had never witnessed before. He had difficulties to describe what it was…some kind of peace maybe…as if he had finally taken a hard decision.
-What?
Tony had been starring at him once more but he couldn't help it. He liked trying to guess what was happening behind those blue eyes.
-Nothing, Boss. I guess you appreciated the coffee…
-Yeah, the first one is always the best one of the day but I'm only able to think straight after the second one…
-Ok, so let me give you your second shoot!
Tony served him a second mug of the bitter stuff he called coffee.
-Thanks, "Boss"!
That smile again…the way his eyes shined…Tony realized that he could easily get used to that. It was new for him but he really liked seeing Gibbs' smile. Not the grin he sometimes managed at work or the ones he used with victims or children. Tony had named them as "work-related-smiles".
But this one was a true, warm and sexy as hell smile… Where did it come from? It was the first time he had used Gibbs and sexy in the same sentence. He really had some thinking to do…face to face with himself.
Gibbs was oblivion to the younger man's torments because he was trying hard not to look up at him. He knew he wouldn't be able to stay close to him for long without being allowed to touch him. And he was well aware that even if Tony didn't seem to be tensed or unease with him, it was obvious that he couldn't hope for more.
Tony had realized that Gibbs' smile had faded and he couldn't help wondering where his friend sudden sadness came from. He knew Gibbs had been hurt by his rejection and he could still see the pain his eyes had reflected at that moment.
The older man was starring absently in his mug lost in his memories. Tony walked next to him and sat there looking at his former boss waiting for him to raise his head.
Gibbs could feel Tony's eyes on him. It was not the first time since he had found him in that forest. He knew too well, what Tony was waiting for and he wanted nothing more than giving it to him. It would be too easy, even too comfortable for him to break the barriers he had himself built.
He wanted nothing more than trust completely the younger man and give himself openly heart and soul. But he had once tried and he could still feel the pain as Tony had looked at him with what he had recognized as disgust.
He wasn't ready to try his chance again and he would need time before being able to open to someone again. His coffee was cold when he heard Tony sigh beside him. He didn't dare to move and the tension rose in his muscles.
-I really hurt you, didn't I?
It was not a question, more a statement. Gibbs couldn't answer. He couldn't even think about something to say that wouldn't be a lie.
-You are going to avoid looking at me for the next week? I know you can't forgive me…Hell! I can't forgive myself. I wish I could erase that discussion and the pain I caused…
Tony could feel the tension in his friend's shoulders. His knuckles were white around the mug.
-I know that saying it won't change anything but I'm truly sorry…
The younger man's voice was filled with tension and anger. He had never seen Gibbs so passive. He would have felt better in front of his boss yelling at him. But he could stand that…
-What do you want Gibbs? You tell me…The only thing you have to do is speak… Talk to me or… I don't know…. Hit me….shoot me if you like… But please don't stay like that on your chair…
Tony began to push him. He knew Gibbs would react to this aggression. He could hide his emotions but he had been trained to defend himself. Tony pulled him up grabbing his shirt. He was about to pull back when he saw tears in Gibbs' eyes.
But before he could do anything, he found himself back against the fridge. Gibbs' lips were on his. The older man was weak because of his injuries but Tony realized he couldn't move. Gibbs had taken the control and even if this reaction had not been expected, he was glad Gibbs had not chosen one of the options he had given him.
The kiss was not aggressive but Tony's brain was unable to decide what to do.
Gibbs realized suddenly what he was doing and pulled back breathing hard. What had he done? A minute before he was staring at his coffee and now he had assaulted Tony… the man he pretended to love.
-Tony, I'm sorry… I …
Gibbs had released his hold and Tony began to come on Earth.
-You should leave me alone…I …
The older man was swaying dangerously and Tony was obliged to catch. He helped him to walk to the couch. Gibbs was trying to avoid Tony's eyes, murmuring to himself.
-What have I done? … God…Tony… So sorry.
Tony knew that Gibbs was going into shock. He took his cell and dialed Ducky's number. While he was waiting for the ME, Gibbs had closed his eyes. His murmurs were now not loud enough for him to hear. Tony put a hand on his forehead trying to reassure him. Gibbs didn't seem to notice, still staring at nothing.
-Ducky, hurry up!
Tony was wondering if he shouldn't bring him directly to the hospital but Ducky interrupted his thoughts.
-Doctor Mallard!
-Ducky, it's Tony!
-What's wrong?
Tony was amazed by the way Ducky could sometimes go straight to the fact when he could lose himself in never ending stories at other moments.
-It's Gibbs. He is going into shock and I don't know what to do.
-What happened?
-Well…we were talking … I was talking.
-Anthony! What happened?
-He kissed me.
For a long moment, there was only silence between the two men. Tony knew that Ducky was trying to figure how he should ask the following question. The ME had been the helpless witness of their argument.
-What did you do?
-I didn't hit him if that's what you are insinuating…
-Sorry Anthony. I didn't mean to hurt you. But I need to know exactly what made him react this way.
-I know Ducky but honestly I didn't do anything. I was too surprised to do anything.
-I see he must have assumed that he had done a huge mistake…Anthony I will be here in ten minutes.
-What can I do, Ducky? He is scaring me… He is conscious but he seems so far away.
-He is Anthony. He had to find a safe place but he is not in danger. Keep him warm and stay at his side.
-Ok, Ducky. Just hurry up, please.
Ducky didn't reply before hanging up. Tony put a blanket on his friend. Gibbs was still hidden in the safety of his mind. Tony would never have expected him to react this way. He had tried to make him yell or fight but the kiss had been surprising. He had told ducky he had been too amazed to react but it was not true.
The surprise had been the first feeling but then, after the first shock of being kissed by his boss, he would have been able to push him. What was disturbing him was that he had not and the reason why he had not was that… God help him… he had liked it.
He had loved feeling him so close, feeling his weight pressing against him. He had been kissed before but Gibbs' kiss had been filled with what made him the man he was: his strength, his faith, his anger too. But Tony had felt so much more: his despair, his need and his love…
Tony was lost in his thoughts and he had not heard Ducky enter the room. He felt a hand on his arm and raised his head from Gibbs realizing for the first time that tears caused the fog in front of his eyes.
-He will be fine, Anthony. He needs to rest and some time to clear his mind.
-It's my fault Ducky. I had not realized what I meant to him when he told me about his feelings. I was so blind … I didn't know…
Tony was now crying unable to calm down enough to make a coherent sentence. Ducky sat next to Gibbs checking his vitals.
-What do you mean?
-Bring him back to me, Ducky!
At those words, the ME looked up at Tony. This simple declaration had been made in a whisper but Ducky had plainly understood what was hidden behind the words. He could now see the pain in Tony's eyes… The pain for having hurt a friend and realizing now you were wrong.
"Blind" had been his word and ducky knew he was not talking about Gibbs' feelings but his own.
-I will bring him back. But it would take some time for him to see how much you care…
-I've been so wrong, Ducky. How could I've not known?
-Sometimes it's hard to see what is in front of you. But you see it now, that's all matters.
-I hope it's not too late, Ducky.
The ME would have liked to tell him it was not too late and that Gibbs would listen to him. But Tony didn't need a lie.
-I don't know… I wish I could say otherwise.
-I understand, Ducky. Just take care of him for a minute. I need fresh air.
Tony stood up and walked to the door.
-Don't be too long. I don't want to explain him you just left for a walk.
-Sure. Give me five minutes. I'll be back before he wakes up.
Ducky nodded watching Tony slowly exiting the house. He couldn't blame him to be shaken by the last events. In three days, he had seen a friend being shot; his boss had confessed he had been in love with him for years just before leaving the town and being abducted by a terrorist who had left him in a forest. Now he had realized that what he had taken for a deep friendship was in fact love.
Ducky smiled at the thoughts of the numerous dates Tony had had in the last years. He doubted the younger man had once been attracted to a man before but here he was…
The ME looked down at Gibbs who was now asleep. He didn't know how it would end between the two men but he could only hope it would be for the best. They were both strong and stubborn but sometimes it's not enough and he was not sure they would be able to make the effort to make it work. He doubted that Gibbs would be able to trust Tony enough to let him in. Tony would have to be persuasive to go through the heavy doors he had himself shut.
Ducky was brought out of his thoughts by a moan from Gibbs. His friend was becoming agitated and the ME knew he would soon awake.
-It's ok, Jethro. Go back to sleep.
Ducky looked at the windows hoping that Tony would not be long. He had to be here when Gibbs would open his eyes otherwise it would be hard to make Gibbs believe he had not fled because of the kiss they had exchanged.
-So sorry…
Ducky placed his hands on Gibbs' shoulders trying to calm him down but Gibbs sat up violently.
-Tony!
-Right here, Boss!
Ducky had not heard him come in but he was reassured to see the younger man at his side. The ME stood up to let Tony come closer. Gibbs didn't seem to have noticed his presence but when he saw Tony, he began to relax.
-It's ok, Boss. I'm here.
Gibbs shook his head as if he wanted to deny Tony's statement. The older man didn't seem to trust his eyes so Tony sat next to him taking his friend in his arms. He knew that words would not be enough so he let his acts talk for him.
Gibbs tried to resist at first but he had no strength left to fight his own needs. He needed it so much it was painful.
-I won't let you down this time. We are going to go through this together.
Tony's words were a sweet whisper at Gibbs' ears and he let the melodious voice rock him to sleep.
-That's it Jethro. Just relax and go back to sleep. We'll talk later I promise. I have some important things to confess.
Tony knew that the man in his arms was now asleep but he didn't want to let him go…not yet. It seemed to be the most natural thing as if it was where Gibbs was meant to be. Tony softly kissed Gibbs' hair before easing him back on the couch.
Ducky was still observing the two men and he could see now what he had probably refused to see before. He had known about Gibbs' feelings for a long time and it had become easy to read the signs. But he was now allowed to see them in Tony's behaviour too. The way he had taken Gibbs in his arms as if he had guessed without asking that was what Gibbs needed.
Tony was still on the couch looking at a now sleeping Gibbs holding his hand. He didn't want to break the contact.
-I love him, Ducky. I think I've known it for a long time without having the guts to admit it even to myself.
Ducky sat on a chair. He knew Tony needed to talk. There would be a time for advices and maybe one or two stories but not now. The ME listened to his friend.
-I never thought I'd be attracted to another man. But I've never felt anything like that before for any of the women I went out with. I need him; I need to be close to him… Hell! I was outside for 2 minutes and I couldn't help worrying about him waking up before I came back. I would never have guessed I would feel these kinds of feelings for another man especially Gibbs but…
-But they are real, Anthony…
-Yeah! I felt it when I found him in the woods and realized he was alive, when the doctor told us he would be fine…But when he kissed me…it became obvious that I wanted it as much as him… It felt right and all I'm asking for now is that he could love me enough to give us a chance, to allow me to love him back.
Ducky could hear a faint glimpse of hope in Tony's voice but he could tell by the way he was looking at Gibbs that he didn't think he deserved this second chance. The ME was aware that Tony wouldn't be strong enough to fight for what he really wanted and he doubted that Gibbs would make the step. They were both alone and lost in their grief and pain and it would be a long way for them to make things work between them.
-Anthony, I don't know if Jethro would be able to take the first step. But I'm sure he loves you. He would never make something that could hurt you.
-I know that Ducky even if it took me time to realize it. And believe I would anything that could make him feel better… I won't hurt him again.
-You didn't do anything wrong and I'm sure he knows you didn't mean to hurt him.
-Yeah, he told me so but it doesn't change the fact that I pushed away and it almost ended in him being killed by Ari. I can't help thinking it would not have turned so wrong if I had not reacted so badly.
-You can't say that. Ari was after him and nothing could have prevented what happened. That sick-head would have found another way to reach him. With or without your help, Jethro would have put his life in the line to catch him… even if it meant loosing everything he had made a lifetime to build…
-You think he had decided to leave DC to make Ari fall in a trap. Isn't it a bit tortuous even for Gibbs?
-Not if you think his worst fear was that one of you could be the next victim, especially you. It'd have killed him if you had been hurt or worse because of what he still consider as his personal failure.
Tony gave Ducky a puzzled look. He knew Gibbs and Ari had developed a weird relationship he couldn't really understand but he couldn't how all this mess could be Gibbs' fault.
-Jethro had had the opportunity to kill him in my lab a year ago. But he had been unable to kill him in cold blood.
-Ok, Ducky. If I understand what you are trying to say, Gibbs thinks that if he had killed Ari, Kate would be still with us… he is blaming himself because he let him live.
-That's it. And to be honest your reaction had given him the perfect excuse to make his plan work.
Tony looked down at Gibbs who was still sleeping. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand as the other was still enchased in Gibbs'. He had thought he had been the only one responsible for Gibbs' choice to leave his job, his friends.
He had been blinded by his anger and he had not realized it was the only way Gibbs had found to make Ari react and try something.
It may have worked with the proper back up. Instead of that, Gibbs had been hurt and they were now both dealing with many emotions they had not the strength to deal with.
-You should probably rest, Anthony. You look pretty exhausted and Jethro would sleep for an hour or two.
Tony knew his friend was right but he couldn't let Gibbs alone. He had seen how shaken he had been when he had waken up. Ducky saw his friend hesitate.
-You can stay here. Just take a nap in the sofa next to him. I'm going to prepare something to eat. I think you didn't take the time to have a real breakfast.
Tony nodded and reluctantly let Gibbs' hand go. He sat on the sofa next to Gibbs. He couldn't take his eyes away from his boss as if blinking would have made him disappear. He had feared he would never see him again. It had been scared to death to think that he would never have a chance to tell him how he regretted what he had said and done.
He didn't know how to call what he was feeling but that was more than respect or friendship. And now he had brought him back, Gibbs seemed to be too hurt to hear him or believe what he had to say.
Lost in his thoughts, he hadn't realized Ducky had left the living room. It only took him a couple of minutes to fall asleep.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Now Tony knows...Is Gibbs ready to open his heart to him?