Chapter 13.
True love can hurt.
Tony was awaken an hour later when Gibss began to move next to him. He straightened in the sofa and looked at his friend worried that he could have had a bad dream once again. But the older man slowly opened his eyes and Tony was glad that nothing had come to disturb his rest.
Gibbs didn't realize at first where he was but when he recognized his living room he wondered why the hell he had fallen asleep on his couch in the middle of the day. He had the disturbing feeling that something had turned wrong. But it wouldn't have surprised him because lately things had a tendacy to turn to the worse.
He sensed someone observing him. Tony of course. In the last days, the younger man had stayed him helping him going through what had happened with Ari. Even if he didn't want to see in that interest more than it probably meant, it was comforting to know Tony cared. With that reassuring thought, Gibbs' brain slowly awoke pushing his first sensation away.
That's when he began to remember why he was on his couch and what had led him there. The nausea threatened to make his stomach revulse at the thought of what he had done. He had kissed Tony. They were talking and he had assaulted him. He had kissed him when he knew that the younger man didn't want it… the man he pretended to love…he had taken what he had not been allowed to take.
Tony saw Gibbs tensed and he realized that the older man was thinking about what had happened. Gibbs was breathing hard and Tony knew he had to reassure him. He stood and came closer to him kneeling next to the couch. Gibbs had not opened his eyes and when he felt Tony beside him he tensed even more.
-Boss, open your eyes!
Tony's voice was soft and Gibbs couldn't hear any kind of reproach or anger in it. But he couldn't face him. He had only once seen what Tony thought about the feeling he had for him and he was unable to think of what the younger man was now thinking….God! How could he have done that?
-Jethro, look at me please.
Gibbs needed now more concentration to breath. He managed to swallow and take a gulp of air.
-Can't … Tony…
Tony placed a hand on his forehead trying to make him calm down but the knew he would be unable to help gibbs deal with the panic he was now feeling. He was the one who had caused his friend's anguish. Gibbs was now fighting to bring enough oxygen into his lungs.
-Ducky! Come here!
Tony looked at the kitchen door knowing that the ME wouldn't be long. As he saw his friend coming he turned his attention back to Gibbs who was now almost unconscious.
-Ok, Boss. I know you must be a little confused but you have to calm down and try to breath slowly… Ducky is here…
The ME hadn't wasted time and had already prepared a syringue with a sedative. Tony raised his hand to tell him to wait.
-Ducky can give you a sedative to help you but I'm sure you can do that without a chemical help. Do you think you can do that for me? Jethro, come back to me.
Gibbs seemed to hear him and Tony was reassured when the older took longer breath. The older man was still unable to talk but he managed a weak nod.
-Good, I was sure you would make the right choice. Now I need you to concentrate on my voice. Listen carefully to what I'm going to say. Can you do that Jethro?
Ducky saw Gibbs tensed and he was about to do what his formation as a doctor was telling him. But Gibbs took back the control of his breath and nodded to Tony his eyes still closed.
-You're doing good, Boss.
Gibbs was still trying to concentrate on Tony's voice as if it was his last to consciousness. He wasn't sure he would be able to stand what Tony had to say but he knew he would have to hear it sooner or later. So let's face it now…for the second time.
-I know you are thinking of what happened in the kitchen. And I know you ar eblaming yourself for that kiss…please, don't…
Gibbs opened his eyes as he heard Tony's words. Tony's eyes were locked on his and he couldn't read any anger or hate in them. He forgot about his anguish for a second before realizing that Tony was certainly trying to reassure him.
Tony saw the hope then the sadness was back in Gibbs' eyes. The older man was still unable to believe anything he could tell him.
-I mean it, Gibbs. The reason why I didn't react was that I was too surprised to do anything. But I didn't feel the need to hit you or run away.
Gibbs' breathe had become easier but it was obviously still painful for him.
-Why?
-What do you mean? Why didn't I react when you kissed me…? Or why didn't I run away…?
-Both…
-To be honest, I'm not sure for the first part… Surprise for sure but there was something I'm not sure to ba bale to describe or explain… For your second question it's easier. I told you I won't let you down no matter what may happen. I promised I would take care of you and I usually keep my promises…
-Thanks.
Gibbs closed his eyes, feeling suddenly exhausted. He was glad Tony had once again decided to forgive him.
Ducky was amazed to see how much control Tony had over his friend. The crisis had been tough and he would never have believed Gibbs strong enough to gop through this on his own. But it was Tony's voice that had brought him back… giving him enough time to regain control upon his body.
The ME put the medication he had prepared back in his case and looked at the two friends. Tony was still knelt on the floor a hand on Gibbs' shoulder.
-How are you feeling, Boss?
-Tired…
-I guess… You must stop doing that… You know you scared me once more and I'm too young to have a heart attack…
Gibbs looked up at the younger man, smiling softly as he saw Tony's eyes shining with malice.
-Sorry I will try to behave.
Without really realizing what he was doing, Tony's hand began to gently caress Gibbs' hair. The tenderness Tony put in that move brought back tears in Gibbs' eyes.
-I need you to trust me, Jethro. I promise I won't hurt you anymore. I want to be here for you.
Gibbs was unable to hold back the tears. He wanted nothing more than believe him but it was too hard for now to open up even to the man he loved. He couldn't afford being hurt again.
-I know it will take time but I will wiat for you, Jethro. I will be there when you are ready.
Gibbs knew he was loosing his battle against exhaustion. Tony's voice was reaching his ears from far away. The soft murmurs followed him while he was drifting into sleep.
-That's it, Jethro. Come back to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up… I promise.
Tony placed a soft kiss on Gibbs' forehead before standing up, stretching his sore muscles. Ducky had not moved, still not sure what he had just witnessed. When he looked at Tony he saw the fine lines drawn by tears on the younger man's cheeks.
-Oh, Anthony.
-Ducky, it's too hard to see him suffer like that and be unable to help him.
-You're wrong. You are helping him. He wouldn't have been able to go through this crisis without you.
-It's not enough.
Ducky studied his younger friend's face trying to guess what Tony was not saying.
-Can I ask you a personnal question?
-sure, Ducky.
-What are you feeling for Jethro? I mean, two days ago you seemed to want nothing more than his friendship and today… Well, I don't know how to interpret your behaviour.
Tony sighed and walked to the kitchen where he landed on the first chair he found. He knew Ducky would follow him. The discussion they were about to have was the onmy one Tony feared to face. But he knew he owed his friend the truth.
-You are not obliged to answer. But even if you are both my friends, I need to be sure Jethro wouldn't be hurt. He is too fragile, Anthony.
-I'm aware of that, Ducky. Believe me.
Tony took a minute to gather his thoughts and find the strength to answer Ducky's question.
-I'm not used to trusting people, even at work. But from the beginning I trusted Gibbs. It has always been different with him. Things were clear… We had a job to do and since it was done everything was fine. All I needed to do was doing what I was paid for…
-And he changed the rules?
-Yeah, I was confused. When I was a child my parents never told me they loved me. They cared but they taught me it was a weakness to show your feelings…Believe me or not, I've never said "I love you" to anyone…not even once and I never let anyone tell me those words.
-That makes some events clearer…So all your dates…?
Tony laughed because he was expecting the question.
-Mostly fakes but I like to seduce and I hate feeling lonely…
-When Jethro told you…?
-He was the first one. I thought our relationship was based on respect and trust. It was the only true relationship I had since college. At first I thought he had destroyed everything and I blamed him for that.
-And now?
-I can't deny I'm still confused about what I should do or not but I realized he meant a lot to me…a lot more than anyone else.
-You must be sure Anthony. Jethro loves you the only he knows. It can't be a part of something. He loves you with all his heart and soul.
Tony sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes as if he was trying to clear his mind.
-I know, Ducky. But I can't say for sure. How could I ? I've never felt that before.
The younger man had stood up and was pacing around the small room. His agitation was speaking for him.
-I need to be close to him, to touch him only to be sure he is really alive and safe here with me. And when he kissed me… it was strange at first to feel against me a body as strong as mine but then it was as if it was the only thing I've always searched for…what I had been looking for in every women I dated…
Ducky smiled at his young friend when he sat breathless in front of him. Tony had always amazed him. He was smarter than what he wanted the other to think. He had managed to analyse with an efficinet accurancy what it may have taken anyone else a very long and expensive therapy to understand. This man would never make a shrink rich, he was too clever for that.
-I think that you know well what you want. The main question now is for you to decide what you are going to do with those feelings. Are you ready to take the next step and act on them?
-Always straight to the heart of the problem, Ducky…
-I think you've already wasted too much time to wait and see. Besides, Jethro is going to need much more than your friendship to stay in DC…
-Yes, I've come to that conclusionmyself, Ducky. But it's not a decision easy to take. I've never been attracted to a man before and we are talking about Gibbs…
-It's not so different my friend…Love is always love…
-I must disagree with you Doctor Mallard…There are many differences…if you know what I mean…
Tony laughed when he saw Ducky's red cheeks. He had never seen the ME like that before and it was surprising to see how naïve his older friend could still be.
-Oh, I see. But I'm sure you w'll manage. Jethro doesn't have anything you haven't seen before…
It was Tony's turn to blush…
Both friends stayed in the kitchen in companable silence. They needed time to think and make decisions. While Tony was trying to imagine what a life with Gibbs as lover could mean, Ducky began to build a strategy to help his friends.
Oblivion to the world, Gibbs was still sleeping, the memory of Toyn's lips warming him.
Gibbs awoke two hours later a little less confused thanks to the rest he had been able to take. He could still hear Tony whispering reassuring words in his ears. When he opened his eyes he was alone but he could hear Tony and Ducky talking in the kitchen. He smiled hearing them argue on the best way to cook pastas.
You should never let an old english man and an italian talk about cooking.
Gibbs began to stirr, testing his articulation and aching muscles and was pleased to see that the pain had lessened.he manage to stand up without wincing and walked to the kitchen.
Standing at the door, he looked at his friends. They had not realized he was here. Tony was speaking with both his hadns and mouth and was offering him an exquisite picture.
-I don't know how english people manage to survive both the weather and the way they eat…!
-Watch your mouth, young man. Others had underestimated us over the last century and some for the worse…Napoleon…
Tony raised his hand to stop Ducky before he began telling him an anecdote about Napoleon and Waterloo…
-Yeah, I heard about that…But he must have been too curious and tried your pudding…I heard he died poisoned…
Gibbs was enjoying the exchange and he would have liked to stay discreet but a sudden cough revealed his presence to his friends. They both turned and Tony was at his side holding his arm before he could catch his breath.
-Are you ok, Boss?
-Yes, Tony. I'm fine.
The younger man led him to the nearest chair. Gibbs had to admit he was feeling a little feverish but he didn't know if it was because he was becoming ill or because of Tony's arm still on his back. Ducky was looking at him and he could see he was in Doctor's mode.
-I'm not so sure you are fine, Jethro. Your body is weak because of your injuries, the lack of sleep and food…
-Ok, I may have exagerated. I'm not that fine.
Gibbs could feel Tony's eyes on him and when he looked at the younger man, he met a concerned look. Tony was oblilviously worried. Gibbs would have liked to go on with a smile telling them he was fine but he knew neither Tony nor Ducky would have believed him. He didn't want them to worry but he owed them the truth. There had already been too many lies between them.
-I think I may have a little fever and there is something bothering me when I breath.
-I see. It's not unsual in that kind of situation. It's probably the beginning of a pneumonia…
-What…? You are sure, Ducky…I t may be…
Tony had stood up, obviously agitated. Gibbs followed him at the other end of the room. He knew what Tony was thinking about. He placed his right hand on the younger man's arm. The left one found his way to his chin. Tony was now looking at him.
-Tony, it has nothing to do with the pneumonia you sufferd after the Y-Pestis. I'm not in any kind of danger. Besides, Ducky said it was only the beginning. I'm going to take some meds and sleep all day long. I'm going to be fine. Ok?
Tony's reaction was not the one Gibbs had expected. The younger man closed the space between them, taking refuge in Gibbs'arms. His head found his place Gibbs' shoulder.
-I can't help worrying for you.
-I'll be fine, Tony. I promise.
It felt so good to have Tony in his arms and it had been so unexpected that Gibbs could feel his eyes sting once more. He was caressing Tony's hair trying to ease the tension he could feel in his friend's body.
-We are going to find a way to go through this…
Tony pushed back a little and faced him. He was so close that Gibbs could feel his breath. He could not look away from those eyes.
-Sure, Boss.
Gibbs' hand was now on Tony's neck. It would have been so easy to pull him closer, to reach for his lips. It took all his strength to resist and walk away from his friend's embrace. He was not the kind of man who did twice the same mistake. He was about to walk to his chair when Tony caught his hand keeping him close.
-Stay, Jethro.
Gibbs didn't turn. He couldn't believe Tony wanted him close after what he had done to him.
-Tony, I'm not sure it would be a good idea.
-We need to talk about what happened…
-Oh, God. I'm so sorry Tony… I should have controlled what I felt. I promise it won't happen again…
Ducky who was facing Gibbs could see his jaw tense. Gibbs hand was still in Tony's hand but the older man was trying hard to go away from his friend. Ducky was ready to tell Tony to let Gibbs go but he realized the younger was determined to have this talk.
He couldn't interfere in the relationship they were about to begin. He decided to stay near if they needed help but he remained silent. Tony had seen the hesitation in the ME's eyes and he murmured a silent thank you when Ducky sat back on his chair.
-Can you just look at me, Jethro? I have some things to tell you but you must look at me. I can't talk to your back.
-I can't Tony. I didn't want to assault you the way I did. I don't know why… But….
Tony was stunned by Gibbs' words. The older man had seen it as an agression.
-Let's go to the living room. There are many things you need to hear and we would be better on the couch.
Gibbs followed Tony slowly to the living room aware of his friends' concern as he walked his shoulders bent, careful with each step…So many signs his exhaustion was not enterely due to his injuries. As Gibbs sat on the couch, Tony positionned himself on the coffee table in front of him. Gibbs was looking around as iof he was searching for a way to escape Tony's closeness. Tony saw Gibbs was not really at ease. He put a hand on his knee.
-What's wrong, Jethro?
Gibbs bent his head, looking at the carpet at his feetd. He was ashamed of his weakness. He had been proud of being able to face the truth no matter how hard it could be. But today he could not look at the man in front of him, the man he had betrayed, abusing his trust. Gibbs sighed and gathering his strength he raised his head meeting Tony's concerned hazel eyes.
-Nothing is wrong, Tony… Except I'm too much a coward to even dare look you in the eyes.
-You are now.
-Yeah, but you have no idea how hard it is not to run away some place where I would not have to face the fact I abused your trust…
-That's what you think you did when you kissed me…?
-Among other things… Yes.
-You are so wrong, Jethro. It's amazing to see how a man as smart as you can be a complete idiot when feelings are involved. I must admit I'm not a better example…
Gibbs smiled at him.
-What a pair we make!
-True. But the most important thihng you have to understand is that I'm not hurt nor feel betrayed or whatever can come to your mind. You surprised me but do you really think I wouldn't have been able to push you away if I had felt assaulted…?
-I don't know… I…
-Boss, you are weakened by your injuries… I could have stopped you anytime…
-Why didn't you…?
-Good question and it took me some time to figure out why I didn't. But while you were doing your guilt trip I think I found out why… And as always when you find an answer…more questions appear…
-I know but can answer this one first…?
-Yes, straight to the point, as always, Boss.
Tony seemed a bit unsure now that he had to say out loud what he had understood about himself. Gibbs gave him time to find a way to say what he had to say.
The two men were oblivion to Ducky. The ME was still observing them…silent witness of their hesitaions and tries. He was glad they had been able to sit and talk. And even if he knew nothing was won, it was a good start.
-Ok. First, like I said, I didn't expect that from you. I was trying to make you react in a way or another but I was more thinking about you yelling at me or hitting me…
-That's probably what the boss would have done but I'm not sure to be this man anymore.
-So when I found myself between you and the fridge, I can't deny I kind of froze. But not in a bad way… at that moment I could have stopped you but I didn't… Call that curiosity or whatever you want…The point is that, even if I was not really aware of what I was doing, I allowed you to kiss me…
Gibbs feared to ask the question which was almost burning his lips. Tony talked first seeing Gibbs was still not sure how he had to interpret his speech.
-And then when I felt your lips on mine, for a second everything froze. Before I can do anything you were gone. You didn't let me say anything.
-I know I can be stupid sometimes when feelings are involved…
Tony smiled at him, glad that the older was able to joke about what had happened.
-That and the fact the last time you told me about your feelings I didn't react very well…
gibbs looked back at his feet at the thought of the moment he had opened his heart to man he loved.
-Yeah, maybe that too…
-You want to know what I really felt when you kissed me, when I realized it was your body against mine?
-I'm sorry…I didn't think… I just acted…
Tony hand found his way to Gibbs' cheek, raising gently the older man's face.
-Don't be sorry, Jethro. You opened my eyes and my heart with that kiss.
Gibbs blinked several times trying to stabilize Tony's image in front of him. He was feeling light headed and it was not because of his physical weakness.
-I loved it, Jethro. I don't know what it means but to be honest I've never felt those kind of feelings kissing a woman. It's all new for me but it felt right, for lack of other words…I've already had this feeling when I woke up this morning.
Gibbs closed his eyes. He wanted to yell but nothing went out when he opened his mouth. He didn't know what to do with what Tony was telling him. He had dreamt of that moment and now he was unable to accept Tony's words as the truth.
-Boss, say something, please. I know I've been a heartless bastard. But I was wrong. I could give you many reasons to explain why I did what I did. The first one would be that I've never been attracted to a man before today…
Gibbs didn't move and Tony realized he had still to convince him he was not playing with his feelings.
-you are the first I allowed to come so close to me. I've never been really good at building relationship of any kind. You were what I had closer to a friend and when you told me you had feelings for me I thought you had destroyed everything we had built. I was not ready to accept what you were offering… I couldn't see that I wanted the same thing…I was too afraid to admit that even to myself.
Gibbs sighed realizing he had been holding his breath while Tony was speaking. He had heard him loud and clear and he knew he had to say something.
-I don't know if you realize I'd wished for you to say those words for a long time…
-But…It's too late…?
-I don't know Tony. I love you. Don't ever doubt that but I'm not sure I'm ready to give it a try.
-I'm aware of that Jethro. And I don't ask you to trust me blindly. I'll wait for you to be ready. I only ask you not to condemn what I feel for you. My feelings are real and true.
-I'll need some time. Don't ask too much of me for now…
-I won't but promise me you are going to think about it. Give me a second chance…
Gibbs seemed to think for a long minute. He had been badly hurt by Tony' rejection but there was more at stake here. He had planed to give his life a new start and he was not sure it would be safe for him to stay in DC any longer. He had dreamt of sharing his life with Tony and he had had to forget about it.
Tony was worried by the time Gibbs was taking to answer him. His heart missed a beat when Gibbs looked up at him.
-Tony, you stole my heart years ago but I don't like to suffer. I don't know what would be worse… give us a chance and realize it was a mistake or shut the door and never look back. I thought I had made the right choice and I've never had to make such a hard decision…When youleft me after Kate's burial I wished I had the strength to put an end to it right there…I spent the night facing my gun…
-God, Jethro…
-You know why I didn't pull the trigger?
Gibbs laughed bitterly remembering that night. He had stayed for hours his weapon in his hands before he decided he wanted to have a last look at his boat.
-I wanted to do it in the only place I've ever felt safe.
-Your basement…? That's where Ari was waiting for you…
-Yeah, he saved my life in a way. When I saw him I was relieved I would not have to do it myself…
-You spent almost four hours with a gun in your hands…What were you thinking about…?
-You, Tony. You were the only reason why I hesitated for so long. I knew that no matter what I decided to do you would feel guilty and after Kate's death I didn't want you to carry my death too…
-So after what I did to you, you were still trying to spare my feelings.
-I love you Tony. You are the only one who matters to me…My last link with life. I couldn't do it knowing it would hurt you.
They were still face to face only inches apart. Tony lowered his head and their forehead met.
-I'm so sorry, Jethro for what I put you through. I'll give all the time you need to decide what you want to. Whatever you choose, I'll accept it. But I have something more to say for my defense…
Tony's voice was only a whisper now. The two men were alone in their world…
-I love you , Jethro. You are the first one to hear those words…
Tony came closer and his lips brushed Gibbs' lips. The kiss they shared had nothing to do with the one Gibbs had previously given him. Tony didn't want to put any pressure on Gibbs. The tenderness Gibbs could feel in this kiss made him close his eyes and ask for more.
For the first time in years he let someone else take the control and loose himself in that kiss. He could now feel Tony's feeling… He could now believe him.
Author's Chapter Notes:
The title says it all...
Chapter End Notes:
The title is inspired by what a friend once told me.