Chapter 2
A harsh discussion.
Tony and Ducky stayed quiet for a while exhausted by thelast events. Everything could go wrong in an eye-blink and the worst had happened...
-How could I have been so wrong about him?
-You were too upset and too tired. You need time to accept the fact she had left us... We all need time.
-Do you think he will be fine?
-I don't knw, Anthony. He doesn't share his feelings with anyone and he expect a lot from himself. He thinks he had failed her. He is exhausted physicaly and emotionaly. After what happened to you...
-What? He was not responsible fo the Y-Pestis.
-You hadn't understood how he react when something happens to one of us. He cares a lot for you and whatever happens to you... it brings back the feeling that he should have prevented it.
Tony thought about what Ducky had just said. Ducky had known Gibbs for years and he was certainly right .
-I should go with him. He shouldn't be driving. Bye Ducky.
-Good night, Anthony.
Ducky smiled as Tony exited the room in a hurry. They were both stubborn but maybe something good would come out of this nightmare.
Tony walked to the parking to find Gibbs leaning on his car.
-You don't think of driving this car, Boss?
-Gibbs had heard him coming and was relieved that it was Tony.
-In fact, I was thinking of calling a cab as I'm not sure I would even be able to open that door. My problem is that I don't know where my cell is.
-Okay, let me drive you home.
-You'll have to find the keys first.
Tony looked at his Boss and saw that he had closed his eyes and rested his head on the glass of the door.
-Are you okay?
-I'm not quite sure. I think I would be better in the car.
-Sure, as soon as I've found the keys.
-In my pocket...
-May I ask you why you haven't opened the door yourself?
Gibbs took a deep breath and looked up at Tony.
-I was not certain I would be able to stay up if I didn't keep my hands on that door.
-I didn't realise that your injury was so painful. Let me help you.
Tony found the keys in Gibbs jacket's pocket and opened the door. He helped the older man in. As Gibbs was half laid, half sat he turned the ignition on and drove to Gibbs' home.
He was so tired that he took the wrong way and was obliged to drive back to the last junction. Gibbs was asleep in the passenger seat and Tony didn't know if he should drive him home or at the nearest hospital.
They arrived at Gibbs' house and Tony parked the car in the alley. He rested hi head on the steering wheel breathing deeply.
-Are you all right, Tony?
He hadn't seen that Gibbs was awake. He looked at him and smiled. The concerned look on his boss' face warmed him a bit.
-Let's say, I'm as good as you.
-Okay, forget my question. I think I will need some help to go out of the car and walk inside. Then you can go home with the car. I won'tneed it tonight.
Gibbs had already opened the door not waiting for Tony's reply. The younger man was at his side as he exited the car. Tony saw the wince of pain on Gibbs' face and put an arm around his waist to help him walk.
-I think your neighbours will talk if they see us like that.
Tony couldn't help laughing at the remark his boss just made.
-They are not used to see you bring gorgeous guy home? I'm sorry if I ruined your reputation.
Gibbs laughed and looked at Tony seeing the younger man smiling at him. His head was spining and he leaned more on Tony's shoulder. Tony stopped walking at the pression.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, but I will lay down as soon I opened that door.
-Well! I could carry you inside if you want that old lady who is looking at us behind his curtains to have a heart attack.
-You are almost too tired to carry yourself. And I think Mrs Anderson would be very happy to spread the news of my fourth wedding .
-They would perhaps buy us gifts!
-Don't make me laugh. Besides what would you do with a food processor?
-We may make a list.
They finally entered the house and Gibbs sat heavily on his couch. Tony knew the house and wet to the bathroom. He came back a minute later with a glass of water and a wet towel.
Gibbs was laid on the couch now. He hadn't even take the time to get rid of his jacket. Tony put the towel on his forehead and put the glass on the coffe table.
-Thanks, Tony!
-It's the least I can do after what I said and done. I'm truly sorry boss. I was... I am...
-Upset, angry... You have the right to have these kind of feelings.
-But I had no right of accusing you of her death.
-Well... It was hard to hear you say it but I'm aware of my responsability in Kate's death.
-No, you were right, risk is a part of our job. I think it was too hard to loose her like that. It was childish of me to turn my anger on you.
-I'm your boss. I was supposed to protect you, all of you.
-So what? You were supposed to breath this white powder instead of me? You were supposed to take the bullet for her? You couldn't do anything to save her.
-I should have tried harder. Maybe it would have been enough.
-Maybe, maybe not. You can think about it the way you want but the facts are that you aren't the one who pulled the trigger.
-It doesn't make it easier to accept.
-I know.
They stayed quiet for a long moment lost in their thoughts, trying to find the better way to deal with their friend's death.. tony's previous anger seemed to be gone replaced by sorrow. Gibbs could see how painful it was for him. Tony looked at Gibbs who was rubbing his eyes. The older man was obviously tired.
-You should try to sleep. I will stay here tonight.
-You don't need to do that, Tony. You knw I don't blame you for what happened.
-I know but you need someone to keep an eye on you... So I volunteered.
-You've never volunteered for anything before?
-Okay, let's say that Ducky found the right words to convince me.
-I see... Thanks, Tony.
-My pleasure, Sir.
Gibbs closed his eyes trying to erase the picture of Kate bleeding on the roof of that building.
Tony sat on a chair next to the couch taking a magazine from Gibbs' collection. He wasn't surprised to find several mags referring to boat building but he was more wonder to find the last edition of the National Geographic. Hewas lost in an article about the last researches on Mayan culture when he heard his boss moan in his sleep.
He watched him and saw that he was moving in his sleep... probably a nightmare. It was understandable. Tony didn't know if he would b able to sleep tonight. He didn't really know what to do. Gibbs was not the kind of man who would accept being conforted... but he couldn't let him wander in a bad dream. He knew too well what he was dreaming about.
He stood up and placed a gentle hand on his boss' shoulder trying to awake him softly. He knew better than to shake the former Marine awake...
-Hey, boss... Wake up...
He was astonished when Gibbs sat abruptly screaming his name. He would have bet that Gibbs was dreaming of Kate's death but obviously he had been wrong. He wasn't sure why his boss was dreaming about him but it must have been traumatic because Gibbs seemed to be still prisoner of his dream.
-It's okay, Boss. It was a nightmare...
Gibbs realised that someone was talking to him and he turned to face Tony who had sat on the coffe table. He had often bad dreams lately and the main character was always Tony... he had pictured him ill, injured... But this time he had seen him dead a bullet hole in his forehead.
He was aware of Tony's concerned look and managed to clear his voice enough to reassure him.
-I'm fine. It was only a bad dream.
-I'm not sure to be happy to have the main role in one of your nightmare... Did I steal your coffee?
Tony had tried to make him smile but he was getting worrier when he heard Gibbs shaking voice.
-If only it could have been something like that.
-Wanna talk about it?
-Not really. I'd prefer forget about it all!
-As you wish but someone once told me that it was better to talk about what bothered you. Otherwise it would eat you from the inside. You should try to think about it sometimes.
-And you should try to follow your own advices.
-I did... Didn't I punch you? It was my way to deal with my anger. I was angry at me because I had been unable to protect a collegue... and...
-At me for being my usual bastard!
-It's your word... but you seemed to be so in control. I thought you deserved to feel as upset as me...
-
Gibbs sighed as he realised that he had been wrong to think that they needed him to be strong. They only had wwanted him to be close to them...
-You know I couldn't show what I felt at that time!
-Maybe but it seemed so unfair.
-I'm sorry Tony I should have understood what you needed at that time. I thought I couldn't allow myself to feel...
-And now? We are not at the office anymore... We can talk or is it that you can't show your feelings in front of me?
6it's a part of the problem, maybe...
-So what? You intend on burying deep inside and try to forget?
Gibbs could hear the anger back in Tony's voice.
-I didn't mean it and you know it...!
-No, I don't know... I don't know how you feel.. Hell! I don't even know you. You never showed any emotion... never really allow someone close to you no matter what happened. This time it's different, I can't believe you don't feel anything! You can't be so heartless!
Gibbs couldn't face him anymore as he heard the last word. He looked at his shoes waiting for Tony's next reply. But the younger man was only looking at him. He seemed to wait too for his boss to say something, to share what he felt...
-What do you want to hear?
-The truth for once! What you felt, what you thought on that roff...
-You want to know what I felt when I saw her on the floor, his blood spreading around her head...?
Tony winced at the crude description but he went on without flinching.
-Yeah, Boss. That's exactly what I need to know.
-I can't tell you because I'm not sure that you would accept what it reaaly means.
-Could you be more specific. I can't understand why I would have to accept it or not... It's not a difficult question.. What did you feel when you realised she had been shot at?
Tony had closed the gap between them as if he wanted to prevent him from escaping. Ths time he would oblige him to answer.
-Don't tell me you don't know... I was there, I even hadher blood on my face...
Tony was so close that Gibbs could feel his breath. H could feel the pressure the younger was putting on him and he realised for the first time what suspects might feel when interrogated by him. The man was good at that.
Gibbs could have been able to resist if he hadn't felt so weak but he had not enough strength to fight against him.
-I saw her fall. I knew she was dead, I knew it was him. I tried to see where he was...
-I didn't ask you to state the facts...
-I thought... I needed to kill him because...
-Why?? What did you fear??
-I couldn't allow him to kill you too too. I was... Shit... I can't even say it out loud. Ishouldn't have felt that but I was relieved.
Gibbs raised his head, meeting Tony's puzzled expression.
-You wanted to know, now you know. I'm not proud of that but my first thought was relief . this bastard had not killed you.
-That's what your dream was about?
-Yeah. I don't know if there is a God somewhere but I think it may be is way to make me pay what I feel. He made me see what I feared the most. I almost lost you because of teh Y-Pestis... it was too soon, too hard...
-I don't understand why.
-Why I was relieved o why it was hard?
Tony seemed to be confused.
-I don't know. I think it's you that I don't understand. You saw a member of your team being shot at and your first thought was for me?
-Always, Tony. That's my main problem. It's always about you, always had been about you and the way I feel when I'm with you.
-What are you trying to say, Gibbs?
-I think you already guessed what I try to explain. But if you really want to hear it loud and clear. I love you, Tony. I've been in love with you for a while...
Tony's first reaction was to stand up and go far away from the man he had thought he knew. Next he felt a desire to punch him once more. How could his boss be in love with him? He must have lost his mind, that was the only reasonnable explanation he could come up with.
Gibbs was a Marine, Tony couldn't imagine the man he had worked with for two years could be gay.
Tony was pacing trying to calm down. He had to clear his mind and find a reason not to beat the crap out of his boss.
-I understand that you should be angry at me but I can't change what I feel. I won't do anything that could make you uncomfortable.
Tony turned to face him.
-Off course you won't because first thing tomorrow I will ask for a new assignement.
Tony was facing him now and Gibbs could see that the younger man was ùmore than angry. He should have known that to tell him about his feelings, especially tonight, would be a bad idea. But even knowing that his love will never be reciprocate he would never have thought Tony woiuld feel disgusted. He had feared to be rejected but what he coudl see in Tony's eyes froze him inside.
-You don't need to do it. You know I will never act on my feelings. We have to find Ari and I need you on my team for that...
6i don't want to hear your old cliché about what being a team means. I know what I have to do what Kate deserves. But for now, can answer a quetsion, boss?
Gibbs didn't miss the way Tony stressed on the last word. He tried hard not to show how he was feeling right now. He knew he wouldn't be able to stand a confrontation any longer. He couldn't handle this conversation without being sick. He didn't know if it came from his head trauma or because of Tony sudden coldness.
He had lost what was the most important part of his life in a day... he had lost Tony. The man in front of im would never love him back but the worst was that he was mad at him.
-You can ask whatever you want.
-Thank you so much, Sir.
Gibbs winced at Tony's sharp tone. This man didn't need to use a weapon or his fists to hurt. His eyes and voice did a pretty good job.
-I was just wondering if I would be able to trust you now that I know what you were thinking about when watching my six.
Gibbs was going to be sick and it took him all the strength he had left not to run to the bathroom.
-I never put your life in danger because of what I felt.
-Let me laugh. You know as well as me that you can't put your feelings away so easily even for a professional like you.
-Who do you think I am?
-I don't know anymore. I thought you were my boss, the one I could rely on, the one I could trust with my life. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not angry because you're gay or bi but you've lied to me for years...
-I never really lied. I only hid what I felt.
-Thanks for the nuance! But the results are the same. I realise now that you didn't hire me because of my smile...
Gibbs had to move away from him. Tony was trying to kill what was left of their friendship. Tony caught his arm as he was walking to the kitchen.
-I'm not done yet, Gibbs.
-But I'm, Tony. I don't think you need to insult me like that. I'm not ashamed of what I feel for you and I don't think I deserve to be questioned on the way I do my job. I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad but I won't deny it. I'm gay, Tony, always have been even if I had been obliged to pretend all my life. I don't need you to judge me.
Tony released his hold and Gibbs turned his back on him. He stopped on his way to his refuge, catching the char in front of him. He was feeling light headed and he only wished this damned day to end.
-I just ask you one thing Tony. Take your time to thing about what you have to do. If you are unable to work with me anymore., I should be the one to ask for a new team.
Tony was speechless. He hadn't expected Gibbs to be so ressigned. The man who was facing him seemed to have lost all hopes.
-Okay, I will wait until tomorrow.
-Good, thanks Tony.
Gibbs headed to the kitchen and took a glass of water with two pills Ducky had given him. His head was hurting but it was nothing compared to his heart. In a day he had lost Kate and Tony. He took a deep breath and rested his head on the cold door of the fridge.
-Do you need help to go to your bedroom.
Even if the question was friendly, Tony's voice was cold.
-No, Tony. Thanks. You can take my car to go back home. I'll call a cab tomorrow morning.
-I assured Ducky I would stay with you tonight so taht's waht I'll do. I'll sleep on the couch if you need help...
-I will be fine, Tony. I'll give you a blanket.
Gibbs didn't miss the step back Tony make as he passed near him.
Gibbs came back with a blanket and a pillow he put on the couch. Tony didn't look at him as he exited the room letting his former friend alone.
Once in his bedroom he was unable to control his emotions any longer and emptied his stomach in the bathroom. He was shaking while he was brushing his teeth and the face he saw in the mirror told him it was high time he goes to bed.
He lied there for a whil starring at the ceiling and thought how every thing had gone wrong in an instant. Who would have thought that this day would have been the worst of his life. With this thought he closed his eyes trying to find the sleep he knew he wouldn't reach.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony and Gibbs are talking and it gets nasty.
Gibbs confesses his feelings and Tony can't accept them.
I promise it will end well
Gibbs confesses his feelings and Tony can't accept them.
I promise it will end well
Chapter End Notes:
I haven't finished this story but I've already some chapters done!
It's not a part of my first fic "a call from the past". I'm still working on both stories but I wanted to share what I had already writen. I hope you will enjoy this one.
Thanks for your mails!!
It's not a part of my first fic "a call from the past". I'm still working on both stories but I wanted to share what I had already writen. I hope you will enjoy this one.
Thanks for your mails!!