Chapter 5.
The last good byes.
They were all there, in this litlle church near Washington. The sun was high in the sky when they entered the church following the coffin. In five minutes the church was full of friends, members of her family and official represants of the governement.
Tony had not seen Gibbs but he was sure he was there for Kate and only for her unlike all those black suits who were searching for support before elections. He could tell who was who only by the way they acted.
Her father and her mother were alone in there sorrow. No words could have washed away their tears. They had lost their child and it was not something a father or a mother could face. A young woman was at their side, Kate's sister for sure. She had the same brown hair and the same bright eyes
His vision was blurried and he had not realised he was crying until Ducky placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Tony knew that Gibbs had asked him to take care of the little family they had once been. And the ME would do as his friend had asked. Gibbs had always been there for each of them. Even if Tony knew he was able to handle the job he was begining to think that it would be pretty difficult to walk in Gibbs' shoes.
As they exited the church he saw Gibbs talking to Kate's father. Tony knew what Gibbs was telling him. It was not difficult to guess what was happening between them. Gibbs had been his daughter's boss and as she hadn't been married h had been, metaphorically speaking, the one he had given her to. Even in our evoluated society there are some things that couldn't change. It has never been easy for a father to let her daughter go especially when she left for such a risky job. And Gibbs had became, for him, the one who would protect her for him.
Tony was sure that Gibbs was aware of that too. Kate had never acted with him as if she considered him as a father figure but he had been there for her.
-We should wait for him. Jethro should not stay alone today even if we are not a team anymore.
Tony couldn't deny that Ducky was right. Noone should grieve alone especially in this case. They owed him it.
-You are right Ducky. You go and tell him to join us.
-I think it would be better if the invitation came from you. He had never been able to deny you anything.
-You exagerate Ducky. I never had such an influence on him. But I'll go.
Ducky smiled softly at him as he saw that the younger was pleased to go to talk to Gibbs one more time.
Gibbs was already heading to his car when Tony caught him.
-Hey, Gibbs. Ducky and I wondered if you wanted to join us. You know just for a meal between friends, something simple...
Tony realised he was babbling but he couldn't help feeling nervous in front of Gibbs. To be honest he feared that the man would not accept the invitation. He wanted him to come, he needed to feel thatthere wa still something between them... at least for today.
Gibbs turned to him and when he took his sunglasses off, Tony could see that his eyes were red and swollen. It was obvious that Gibbs had not slept well if any. And Tony guessed that he had spent his night thinking about what had gone wrong.
-We thought that it was not the good day to stay alone.
-You are probably right, Tony but it's not a good idea. You don't need to hve me around. It's the best for all of you, believe me.
-What about you?
-Me?...
Gibbs seemed to be amazed that someone could still be interesting in how he was feeling. Tony felt sick at the thought of what he had done to him. For the hundredth times he thought about the way he had treated him and the way Gibbs had reacted, giving him the lead of his team...
-I still have some packing to do.
-So, you are going to spend your last day in town alone in your basement.
-Tony you are a good man but what you are trying to do is not necessary. I will be fine. I just need some time to adjust but I will be okay.
-Good, so let's put it in another way. Ducky will kill me if I don't bring you and Abs... You know how she could be. Besides I think you owe them a real good bye. They deserve it.
Gibbs smiled at him but it seemed to take him all his strength to manage a small smile.
-You already sounds like the boss.
-I will never take your place for them. And today they need you, they need to know that you care... one last time.
Gibbs rubbed his eyes and Tony realised that he hadn't slept at all the last two nights. Tony placed a hand on his shoulder.
-You look like someone who could use some sleep boss.
-I had too much in mind lately to be able to sleep.
-So I think we should take my car. I'll bring you back here when you want.
They walked to Tony's car and the younger man drove to Ducky's house where they were supposed to meet the other members of the team. They needed to stay together today, to feel that they were not alone in their sorrow.
As they arrived, Tim and Abby were already there. Gibbs followed Tony inside. He hadn't the time to say hello that he had Abby wrapped around him. He hugged her back.
He had always had strong feelings for the young woman. She was the only one who could deal with him when he was in one of his mood. He felt her tears on his shoulder and it took him all the strength hehad left not to begin crying again.
He had spent the last night trying to stop teh tears that had fallen from his tired eyes.
-Hey, bossman. I'm glad you are here.
-Me too, Abs.
He kissed her lightly on the cheek, wiping her teas away.
-How are you doing?
-I miss her, Gibbs. More than I can tell but I feel better now that you are here with us.
-I can't stay for too long. You know, I have to clean the house before tomorrow...
-Do y really have to leave so soon?
-You know I do, Abs. But you have a new boss. I'm sure you will all be fine.
Tony could see the anger raise in the young woman'eyes.
-How can you say that? Kate is dead and you are leaving us...
-You know I'm still your friend, Abs. I did what I had to do and believe me or not it's the best I could do...
-For whom?
The three other men in the room didn't miss the shiver in Gibbs' shoulders. Tony wasn't sure the older could stand another argument especially with Abby.
-You can blame me for everything, Abby if it can make you feel better but the last thing I want is to be responsible for the death of another friend. I had the opportunity to stay at NCIS without being in charge of a team... and I think it better for everyone.
They were all surprised by Gibbs' confession but tony was even more surprised to hear him explain his departure by the fact he didn't want to be on the field anymore.
-I think it's high time for me to go. I hope you will all find the strength to forgive me one day.
Gibbs turned his back to them and walked to the door. He couldn't look back at them even if he knew they were looking at him.
He couldn't give them what they expected from him. He couldn't be their boss tonight, he wasn't strong enough to face them, to confort them. They hadn't been able to contradict him when he had sai he was responsible for Kate's death. And their silent admission had been hard to bear.
He stopped at the door knowing that this time he was leaving for good. He hadn't realised that Tony was behind him.
-You don't have to go. You don't have to be strong for us.
Tony put a had on Gibbs'arm feeling the man shaking under his contact.
-We are here to remember Kate, not to judge you or your decision.
-I can't stay here pretending to be a member of teh team. Not after what I did to you, Tony. Not after what I did to Kate.
Gibbs turned to face Tony and the younger man was afraid to see him so desperate.
-Do you know what her father told me? He talked to me about the job. He said that she trusted me, trusted me with her life. Do you believe it, Tony. She had told her father that I was the one able to protect her....
-We all do trust you with our life, Gibbs...
-You don't understand Tony. I betrayed her, I let her die. I must go before I cause another death...
-Can I ask you a question, Gibbs?
Tony was facing him, the other three were at the other end of the corridor. Gibbs could feel their eyes on them even if his eyes were stil fixed on Tony.
-Did you put a gun on her forehead? Gibbs did you pull that damn trigger?
Gibbs couldn't answer, he knew what Tony wanted to do but it couldn't work. His guilt was too strong in his heart.
Knowing that he would need more than that to break Gibbs' defenses, Tony closed the gap between them. He could now sensed Gibbs laboured breath.
-Did you pull that trigger and her head away. Did you do that?
Tony was now yelling at him and neithr Abby nor Tim were able to stop. Even if they wanted to help Gibbs and stop Tony they couldn't do anything amazed by what was happening before them.
-Anthony you should calm down!
Ducky , off course, was the only one who dared to intervene. He knew that Gibbs couldn't stand a confrontation.
-I won't until he answer that simple question. I know I have issues with what you told me but I won't let you go knowing that you blame yourself for something you couldn't avoid.
-Tony you know that it's not because I didn't hold that gun against her head that I'm not the one responsible for it.
Gibbs' voice was almost a whisper.
-I didn't hear you, Gibbs? Are you the one who shot her?
Gibbs was shaking and he was not able to think anymore. Tony was pushing him a way he could not follow.
-I should have...
-What? Eat the bullet instead of her? That's what you want? Exchange your life for hers?
Gibbs felt his knees give up under him and he fell on the floor. Tony and Ducky were next to him helping him to stand. Tony brought him to the living room.
-Anthony, help him on the couch. What did you intend to do, young man?
-I don't know, Ducky! But I couldn't let him go feeling guilty for Kate's death. It was probably the last time we saw him I couldn't let him go like that.
-So you decided to push him over the edge...
They looked at the man unconscious on Ducky's couch. Abby and Tim arrived... one with a glass of water the other with Ducky's case.
-He is not hurt Timothy. He is only exhausted.
-Do you think he will be fine, Ducky? I've never seen like that...
-I don't know Abigaël! But we'll be here for him. For now he only needs to rest and you should do the same. Timothy take her upstairs, you should stay here tonight.
-Sure Ducky. Call me if you need help!
-Off course, Timothy. Take care of her.
Tim nodded and wrapped an arm around Abby's shoulders. The young woman bent over Gibbs and placed a soft kiss on his forehead before following Tim.
Ducky and Tony looked at them while they exited the room.
-Anthony, can you follow me in the kitchen, please?
-Do you think it's wise to let him alone?
-Jethro needs to rest and I think you've done enough for now.
Tony followed Ducky in his kitchen. He didn't know if he should be afraid or relieved when the older man asked if he wanted a drink.
-Ducky I didn't mean to hurt him. I wouldn't do it on purpose. You know that?
The ME looked up from his glass and Tony saw the concern in his eyes. Ducky had always been like their uncle, the one who teaches you the most important tings in life, things a father couldn't do. The older man in front of him had already lost one of his ‘child' and he was about to let Gibbs go. Probably the one he had been the closest to.
-I hope so, Anthony but you seemed pretty angry yesterday. What did you expect from him? I asked you to invite him so that he could find some comfort...
-I know Ducky but Gibbs never listens if you talk softly to him. He had to hear that noone hold him responsible for her death. It was a tragedy but a tragedy nobody could have prevented.
-You may be right but it was probably not the right moment and you were not the right person to do it. Tomorrow he's gonna leave what made his life for years. And I'm sure you've experienced what it feels like. Now try to think how hard it could be for a man like him.
-I understand that I didn't make it easier but I had to do it.
-I will be fine, Tony!
They hadn't heard Gibbs enter th room. He looked even more exhausted after their confrontation.
-I'm not so sure of that, Jethro. You are emotionaly fragile and I don't think it would be wise to leave tomorrow. You should take some times off...
-I can't , Ducky. I mustbe at Norfolk tomorrow morning. I still have a job to do.
-The job is not the thing I'm worried about, Jethro. You are not going to be able to go on like that for long.
-I won't lie to you and say that everything is fine but taking more time won't change anything.
-Boss, we could find a way to work together. You are not obliged to leave.
Gibbs looked doubtfully at Tony.the younger knaw as well as him that he had taken a decision and it was impossible to change his mind now.
-Tony, you would be unable to trust me and I can't blame you. Now, if you could drive me back to my car, I have things to finish before leaving. And it would probably be a good idea to take a little nap too.
He had looked at Ducky saying that.
-Jethro, promise me to call if you need help. Don't be too stubborn to ask!
-I promise Ducky but you I will be fine.
He couldn't look at his friend anymore seeing that the ME was about to say something more.
He turned to talk to Tony.
-If you prefer, I'll call a cab.
-No, boss. Let's go.
They exited the house, followed by Ducky.
-I'll call you as soon as I arrive. Tell Abby that I'll miss her.
-Don't worry Jethro. I will take care of our little family!
-Thanks for everything, Ducky.
He had to leave now before it became too hard for him. He turned his back to his frind and opened the passenger door of Tony's car. Sitting he sighed heavily.
-Are you sure you are okay, Boss.
He looked at the man next to him and realised how stupid his question had been.
-Forget I asked that. You may reconider the date of your departure. You don't look like someone able to drive to Norfolk.
-That's why I plan on sleeping early tonight.
-Like last night and the night before?
-Well I won't deny that I'm not in a good shape for now but I'm not about to break down, Tony.
-If you say so...
-I say so, Tony.
They drove back to the little church in an akward silence. None of them wanted to tell something that they would both regret. Gibbs was trying not too look at Tony . he wans't sure he would be able not to tell him to stay with him, to hold him. It was hard for him to know that it was probably the last time he saw the man he loved so much.
They arrived at the church and Tony parked the car near Gibbs' car.
6i think it's time for the last good byes, Tony.
-Norfolk is not that far. We may see you for a case some times.
-I don't think so, Tony. It's not easy to leave. To leave the team, you... but it would be harder to come without being able to be with you. I don't know if I make any sense but I don't want to have to leave you again. And I can't lie anymore...
-You are trying to tell me that you don't want to see me again.
-I can't be your boss anymore, I don't want to pretend that being your friend is enough for me. I want to be so much more for you. So it's better if we just stay apart.
-So that's it. You can't have me the way you want so you decide it's better to forget what we have shared, what we had...
Gibbs didn't want to begin this conversation again.
-What did expect from me? I love you Tony and I don't want to pretend I don't.
Tony winced. He hadn't had enough time to think about his own feelings. He didn't know what he was feeling for the man who had been his boss, his mentor for almost three years. The only thing he was sure of was that he didn't want him to leave with no hope to see him again.
-Ii guess it's time to leave. Those three years with you had been quite instructive. You are the best Agnet I've met, Tony. You will be a great boss.
-So that's how it ends. All you are going to give is a good bye on a parking?
"oh, no! All I want is kissing you until you realise what I want to offer you.". off course Gibbs couldn't tell him that it was far from enough for him too.
He opened the door and headed to his own car. He knew that Tny was angry once more. But he had also toprotect himself. The younger man had hurt him and he had to preserve what he had left.
He looked at Tony's car as the younger man turned ou tof the parking. Tony drove back to Ducky's house and stayed a long moment in his car thinking of what he had done, how things had turned wrong in two days.
Those working with Gibbs had been the first time for him when he had felt at the right place. He finally belonged somewhere. He hadn't realised until today that this feeling was not due to the job or the place. It had been Gibbs, Kate and the others.
And today, Kate was dead, Gibbs was gone...Before today he hadn't known how much Gibbs meant to him, how much he relied on him. That wasn't love, not the kind of love Gibbs felt for him at least... or maybe. But he would need time to think about it, he was still a little confused.
By telling him about his feelings Gibbs had turned his world upside down. He had never thought of the possibility to be attracted to a man in general and to him in particular. Damn, gibbs was not a man you easily considered probably gay, all clichés apart.
Tony tried to concentrate on him, thinga he ahd said or done that could have make him realise. But in fact Gibbs had never given him any signs. Gibbs would never have allowed his feelings to interfere with the job and as he avoided being alone with him outside of the job...
Now he had to answer the main question: what does he really feel for Gibbs? The fact that he was wondering if he had feelings for his boss without being able to give a answer, showed that there was something to discuss.
So there was something between them that he was not sure to identify. He respected him, he had loved working with him...
He rested his head on the steering wheel and for the first time in years he couldn't avoid the feeling of loneliness that was growing in his heart.
After Tony's departure, Gibbs had entered his car. The younger man had looked back. He had not seen the tears in Gibbs' eyes... he had nt seen him rest his head on the steering wheel and cry, letting his pain overwhelm him...
Author's Chapter Notes:
Kate's burial
Friends in pain
Friends in pain
Chapter End Notes:
I haven't finished this story but I've already some chapters done!
It's a new sad part!!
Special thanks to rednetra for sharing your thouhgts with me!
It's a new sad part!!
Special thanks to rednetra for sharing your thouhgts with me!