Wanting you the way I do
I only want to be with you
And I would go to the ends of the earth
Cause, darling, to me that's what you're worth
Ducky couldn't forgive himself. He and Jethro had been on their monthly dinner "date" and Ducky had drank a little too much Scotch. He never drank much, but somehow, Jethro's stories about his second wife made him drink. Probably because Jethro wasn't entirely happy and drank even more than Ducky. Ducky had poured his heart out for once. Normally, he listened and nodded, but this time? He had told Jethro that he loved him. Not as a friend, but more. Jethro knew Ducky liked men, but now Ducky had blown it. He just knew he had.
Jethro had asked for the bill, dropped Ducky off at home and went home himself, back to the missus. Normally, Jethro stayed over in the guestroom, because Ducky's mother liked Jethro. Mother liked to have breakfast with Jethro and Ducky together. Oh yes, his mother already knew that he loved the marine. She might have been in one of the first stages of Alzheimers, but she still didn't need any words to know what her son wanted and needed.
Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead
"Ducky…" Jethro's voice sounded distorted. Soft, painful and lost over the phone.
"Jethro?"
"Come to my house…" Jethro groaned. "Take your doctors bag with you."
Ducky rushed over to Jethro's house in his Morgan and saw that wife #2 spat away in her car. Ducky was puzzled. Jethro had sounded hurt, but Ducky had expected Jethro's wife to be hurt, not the marine. He got out of his car with his bag in his hand and entered the house. "Gibbs?"
"Bathroom." A muffled voice sounded.
Ducky walked onto the stairs and saw a bloody 7 iron laying on the floor. His heart missed a few beats before he decided to walk on and found Gibbs on the floor under the shower which seemed like a cold one. He was bleeding from the head, and was obviously trying to keep it cool.
"Dear God!" Ducky exclaimed. "What happened?"
Jethro reached for the tab to turn off the shower. "She went crazy." He muttered. "She hit me with a 7 iron."
"Why?"
"I don't know!" Jethro snarled.
"Sorry." Ducky squatted down next to his friend and assessed the damage. "Right…"
"Please tell me I can stay home." His friend begged.
"Let me finish." Ducky got his little pen light out of his bag and shone into Jethro's eyes to see how they reacted. "Well, to be honest, Jethro…"
"No." Jethro grabbed Ducky's arm. "You're going to stitch me up, and if I need to be monitored for 24 hours because I have a concussion… well then take me to your house or stay here."
"You know I can't leave Mother alone for too long Jethro." Ducky gently dried Jethro's head with a soft towel.
"Take me with you."
"I don't know if that's such a good idea…" he reached for the disinfectant in his bag and a pluck of cotton wool and disinfected the cut.
"You have a guestroom."
"I know that."
"Don't numb my head."
"But…"
"I can take it Duck. I think I deserve it, for being a bastard." Jethro sighed tiredly. He looked Ducky straight in the eye and Ducky just melted. He wasn't allowed to, and he hated himself for doing so, but he did. Leroy Jethro Gibbs had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. They just looked pained at the moment.
"She hit YOU." Ducky reminded his friend.
"I am a bastard. She knows that, and you do too."
Ducky tried hard not to be knocked off his feet by the man he loved. Jethro didn't love him, and right now he was concussed. He didn't know to what extend, but he certainly wouldn't take advantage of him. Ducky wasn't like that. "It's your choice."
"Don't numb my head."
"Fine." Ducky started to stitch up the wound left by the 7 iron, and Jethro was remarkably quiet and kept his head still. A true marine… "But don't think that I'm taking you in my Morgan with your wet clothes."
"I'll change." Jethro muttered. "Clothes… and me."
"Just stay the way you are, Jethro." Ducky said encouraging. "Just be careful with the kind of woman you pick."
"She wants a divorce."
"I figured as much."
"Do you think I've been a jerk in believing that I was over Shannon?" Jethro asked softly.
"I don't know Jethro. You told me yourself, you loved your second wife and you thought it was time to move on." Ducky soothed him. "Besides, the deceased will never be forgotten and you shouldn't drag Shannon into this."
"This is my mistake. Not hers."
"Exactly." Ducky finished the stitching and helped Jethro up. He escorted him to the bedroom where Jethro slowly undressed himself. They didn't speak. Ducky just stood in the door way to keep an eye on the object of his affection, in case he would fall over. He had seen Jethro naked a few times before and he never stopped amazing Ducky. There were scars across his chest. Scars made by bullets, knives and what not. They were across his back too, but that didn't mean that Jethro wasn't physically attractive. On the contrary. Ducky forced an image in his head of his mother going to bed, wearing nothing but Chanel No. 5, like always, to prevent him from getting too excited.
"Duck?"
"Yes?"
"Stop me next time I want to marry again."
"You're not even divorced yet." Ducky chuckled.
"Promise me."
"I promise."
"Oh, and Duck?"
"Yes?"
"I think I'm going to pass out now."
If you're out on the road
Feeling lonely, and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there on the next train
"Ducky, please come over, we need to talk." Jethro's voice sounded serious, when Ducky listened to his answering machine. "I'm home."
Ducky grabbed his coat and went over to his friend. His Morgan somewhat complained because of the cold, but he took him to his destination. It had been a year or two since Gibbs got hit by a 9 iron by Diane and they got divorced. Ducky was wondering what was going on now, and why they couldn't talk at work.
"Scotch?" Jethro smiled when Ducky walked into Jethro's house.
"Thank you Jethro, but I think I'll have to pass. I need to drive Mother to her sister tonight." Ducky sat down on the couch and looked at his friend. "You wanted to talk?"
"Oh yes." Gibbs sat down in his chair. "I'm in love."
"You are?"
"Yes, and I want to marry her."
Ducky was flabbergasted. "Again?" he said surprised.
"Hey, this is a different one. She's nice, sweet, caring and cute. She doesn't mind my work."
"You made me promise something a few years back."
"I know, that you never let me get married again."
"And you want me to break that promise?"
"Oh Duck!" Gibbs moved towards the couch and sat down next to him. "I know you don't like to break promises."
"But?"
"If you really love me, you let me get married again." Gibbs smirked.
Ducky felt hurt. This was pure manipulation. He glared at Gibbs and bit his lip. "That's not fair."
"Please?" Gibbs sounded like a little child who wanted a candy. "Please, Duck?" Gibbs sat down closer next to Ducky, and he could obviously smell his alcohol breath.
"Jethro…" Ducky sighed and decided to take advantage of this time, that Jethro was almost drunk and begging for him to break a promise. He quickly reached out to Gibbs' head and pulled him closer, into a kiss. Ducky would be angry with himself afterwards, he knew that, and Jethro would hate him. To Ducky's surprise, Jethro answered his kiss and wrapped his arms around him. The kiss was sweet, bitter sweet even, but Ducky felt triumphant. He had longed to this kiss for too long.
"So, that means a yes?" Gibbs gently broke off the kiss. "Will you?"
Ducky nodded, instantly knew his place. Jethro just gave in to the kiss because he wanted him to break his promise. He got up, grabbed his hat and headed out the door. Jethro had hurt him. He had manipulated him. He had blackmailed him. It wasn't fair. Luckily, Ducky was good at forgetting things he didn't want to remember, and he had to forget, if he still wanted to work with Jethro.
Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead
Ducky was working late in autopsy. A marine had been stuffed into an ant pile and had literally been eaten alive. It wasn't a pretty sight and the M.E. didn't like the ants that were still crawling over the marine. He didn't care about the dead ants. The ones that actually moved freaked him out. After taking pictures, he got the fire extinguisher and froze all the ants to death. "There. They won't itch now." He told the dead Marine.
Ducky heard the autopsy doors slide open and someone nearly tripping over his feet when he came in. "Jethro?"
"Help." Jethro said with a little voice. Ducky quickly walked over to Jethro and helped him to sit down on the autopsy table. Jethro's face was covered in blood and his eyes seemed to be unfocussed.
"What happened?" Ducky asked worried and grabbed his bag.
"Baseball bat." Jethro groaned. "Hurts even worse than a 7 iron."
"You drove yourself?"
"Took a cab." Jethro muttered and winced when Ducky tried to rinse out the wound. "Go ahead, say it."
"Say what?"
"I told you so?"
"Why should I? It was your choice." Ducky decided not to be as careful with Jethro as the first time he had to stitch him up. Ducky wasn't a man who liked to take revenge, but Jethro could take it.
"You almost sound like you don't care." Jethro chuckled.
"Maybe I don't." Ducky said nonchalant and started to stitch up the wound. No local anaesthetic the first time, no anaesthetic now.
"You do."
"Maybe I do."
"Say it."
"I told you so." Ducky looked him straight in the eyes. "You made me break a promise to you. You made me promise for your own good and now look what you have done. Not only are you playing with your own feelings, you are also hurting your third wife."
"And you." Gibbs softly said. "Aw Duck, I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"I'm really sorry." Gibbs quickly planted a kiss on Ducky's forehead. "Thank you for stitching me up, yet again."
"What are you going to do now?"
"Divorce her, and find myself."
I always wanted a real home with flowers on the window sill
But if you want to live in New York City, honey, you know I will
Ducky had never thought he'd feel lonely at work. He had great colleagues to work with, and Abigail Sciuto, the new forensic analyst, had proven to be a great new team member despite her appearance of a Goth and her many tattoos. Ducky liked her, he never thought of himself as "eccentric", but he was proud to say he knew he was, and so was Abigail.
Jethro had taken a few weeks off. He never really took as much as a day off, and Ducky always told Jethro to take a break, and now Jethro could, with all the over time he worked, he wouldn't have to work for half a year if he had to. But he had taken a few weeks off. Vacation, he had told Director Morrow, but Ducky knew that Jethro would go out in the wilderness and find himself while hunting legally for animals.
Ducky had sent Gerald on a vacation too, not as long as Jethro's break, but Ducky wanted to be alone for a while and concentrate on dead marines and organize his thoughts. Was it wrong of him to secretly hope that Jethro in fact loved him, but ignored it because of him being a marine?
A few days before Jethro would return to work, not that Ducky was counting the days, Ducky received a package, his name and address scribbled down in familiar handwriting, Jethro's. The package wasn't big, but it was heavy. Mother had set it down on the dining room table in plain sight, she had obviously recognized Jethro's handwriting too.
Ducky opened the parcel and found a bottle of Scotch in it, with a note attached to it. It wasn't cheap Scotch either, usually Ducky was the one to buy Jethro the better drinks, as Jethro had the tendency to buy the cheap stuff and that tasted like paint-thinner. Ducky wasn't the only one who thought that.
Ducky, I'm home. I'm sorry. We need to talk. I'm making you dinner tonight. Bring back the bottle of Scotch, please? LJG
Even though Ducky was reluctant to go, he expected to get hurt again, he got into his Morgan after he had made dinner for Mother. On his way over to Jethro's house, Ducky realised that it didn't really matter if he got hurt again. For some reason, he and Jethro stayed friends, close friends. Ducky had been hurt several times by his friend now, and yet, he kept coming back to him. Ducky was thinking that he must have been crazy, but he couldn't imagine his life without Jethro. Even though it was just as friends.
"Hey Duck!" Jethro smiled when he opened the door for Ducky. "Missed me?"
"How was your trip, Jethro?"
Jethro helped Ducky out of his coat and hung it on the coat rack along with Ducky's hat. "Because I've missed you."
Ducky already knew that this was going to be a long night. It appeared that Jethro had been drinking just a little too much, which meant that Ducky would end up saving dinner. The only time when Jethro was honest about his own feelings was when he got hit by a 7 iron, a baseball bat or got shot or drunk. "You shouldn't talk such a nonsense, Jethro." Ducky eventually said and walked in to the kitchen, to be stunned by the fact that nothing had burned, yet.
"What? I can cook." Jethro followed him. "You know that."
"I know, Jethro." Ducky nodded. "But when you're drunk, your ability to cook disappears."
"I'm not drunk."
Ducky looked at him. Jethro was smiling, he was amused. "Well, what kind of drug did you take then?"
"Aw Duck." Jethro snickered and put an arm around him to pull him along with him to the living room. "I didn't take drugs, either." He made Ducky sit down on the couch and sat down himself. "But you're crazy for staying my friend for all those years."
"Friends do that."
"I've lost many friends, except for you and Tobias, Duck."
"I doubt if Tobias will still like you after getting married to your second wife."
"I warned him." Jethro grinned. "I really did."
"What's going on, Jethro?"
"I've been with Tobias for a week. He's a bastard, like me. He's impossible to live with. I guess that I was too." Jethro said. "Otherwise I wouldn't have married that much."
"You've been to Tobias?" Ducky asked surprised. "Didn't you go hunting or something?"
"Oh, I did. Didn't shoot anything though. I was mainly setting my priorities straight."
Jethro poured two glasses of Scotch. "How have you been, Duck?"
"Agent Burley was quite capable of leading your team." Ducky responded. "Abigail is a gem, she's a miracle worker."
"No, not work. YOU. I want to know how YOU are."
"I'm fine, Jethro."
"Really? Your leg isn't bugging you?"
"Why the sudden interest in my well being, Jethro?"
"That's what friends do, right? Be interested in each other."
"You make me feel like you're interrogating me." Ducky noted and took a sip of the Scotch.
"Oh." He got up and walked to the kitchen to tend after dinner. "There's something you don't know about me, Duck."
"What's that, Jethro?"
"I'll tell you in a minute."
Ducky was surprised of Jethro's behaviour. He had mellowed down, softened, he didn't appear as needy as he used to. He wondered what Jethro had been doing the past few weeks, he had already told him that he spent a week at Fornell's house, but that's it. He wondered if Jethro had seen a psychiatrist, or something else. Jethro behaved like the man he was when Ducky had met him for the first time. Now Ducky thought about that, Jethro appeared younger. As if he had closed off a very bad chapter in his life.
"Are you coming, Duck? Dinner is ready and served." Jethro called from the kitchen. Ducky got up and went to the kitchen and sat down.
"This looks amazing, Jethro." Ducky smiled.
"Ah! You're smiling!"
"Food." Ducky noted. "Always good."
"Yeah, I know you love your food."
Another thing of the past. When Ducky first met Jethro, Ducky was 20 years younger, and always eating a lot. Ducky had been in love with food, probably the reason why he had studied to become a sous chef. He could eat anything at any moment of the day. Now he was older, he had adjusted himself to his digestion needs, and ate regularly, and not all day long.
"I've been visiting my ex." Jethro admitted.
"Which one?"
"Oh, you don't know him."
Him? Ducky wondered. "Him?" he said out loud.
"Yep." Jethro smiled. "You see, I was too shaken up after he left me and decided I never would love another man, and decided to… well, you remember all of them."
"I didn't know, Jethro." Ducky said stunned. His heart missed a beat, his Jethro had loved other men, not all hope was lost!
"Jack O'Neill is his name. He lives in Colorado, and is an Air Force colonel now. I've spent a week or two with him and his lover, Daniel Jackson."
"The archaeologist?"
"You know him?"
"Yes, I believe I do. Not that I understand much of his ideas, but he's a fascinating man."
"They both are. Jack made me realise that I've been such an idiot. Our parting was painful. We both got assigned to different jobs in different states and I really gave up on love. Jack moved on. He had been married once, but that didn't really work out after his son shot himself with Jack's gun."
"Oh dear."
"Jack met Daniel and eventually moved on. Jack made me realise that for everyone on earth there's the right person, it could be Mrs. Right, but also Mr. Right, a person who makes you happy, a person where you can be yourself, instead of the man they see at work."
"That is true."
"And one night, while Jack and I were watching the stars, I realised something."
"And what is that?"
"I love you, Duck. I have loved you ever since we met, I just never dared to admit it to myself."
I never thought I could get satisfaction from just one man
But if anyone can keep me happy, you're the one who can
Ducky got woken up by Jethro. Not in a violent way though. Jethro was lazily kissing him in his neck and stroking his body. "Morning." Jethro muttered.
"Hmz." Ducky snorted. He felt broken, old and damaged. Probably because Ducky was getting old, he realised. His body hurt and felt cold.
"My bad." Jethro admitted. "I'm sorry for taking all the blankets." Jethro softly kissed him on his lips. "How's your hip?"
"Painful." Ducky had gotten a hip replacement a week earlier after having slipped on a crime scene. Ever since then, Jethro had been in his house to take care of him and his Mother, whose Alzheimers had become in such a state that she couldn't take care of herself without hurting herself or setting herself on fire while cooking. Ducky had to admit, he liked having Jethro around in the house every day.
"Isn't it about time you retire?"
"I'm 70 years old, Jethro, not incapable of doing my job." And Ducky liked his job. He could have retired years ago, but he wasn't going to. He liked the people he worked with, and he liked instructing Jimmy. Over the years, he had given Jimmy more responsibilities, and now all Ducky had to do was supervise him.
"I'll retire if you do."
"That sounds like music to my ears." Ducky smiled and stroked Jethro's grey hair. A few years back, it had only started to turn silver, and now there was no trace of black in his hair.
"And if you want to, I can stay here, with you… sell my house."
"Oh." Ducky smiled. "Are you sure?"
"I'm getting tired of us not being together. I am here for a week now and I feel more at ease. And my car is getting too old to drive as much."
"I'm not sure if I can leave autopsy to Jimmy."
"Palmer is ready to take over, Ducky. Don't you think I have the same thoughts about DiNozzo? Both boys are ready to take over. We're getting too old."
"You're right."
And where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead
Ducky was broken. He had buried his mother a year earlier, and he had thought he would be next. He had been wrong. His Jethro had tripped and fallen off the stairs. Ducky didn't practise forensic pathology anymore, but he knew Jethro had hit his head and broken his neck and wouldn't have felt a thing. Ducky felt it. Ducky felt the pain of losing someone else he loved. Anthony and Timothy nearly had to use a crowbar to remove Ducky from Jethro. He didn't want to let him go. He wasn't ready. It wasn't fair either. Ducky was the oldest, he should have been the first one to die, and now his lover had died accidentally. It was wrong.
It was also wrong of Jimmy to let Ducky into Autopsy, to be alone with Jethro for a while.
"Forgive me Jethro." Ducky softly kissed the colder forehead of his lover. "I have to do this." He used the security cameras as a coat rack so no one could see what he was doing. He walked to Jimmy's Doctor bag and looked if there was something lethal in it which he could use. He didn't want to live like this. Not alone, not without his partner. Not without seeing his Jethro smile every day.
He found a vile of morphine, and knew that if would inject the entire vile in his system, he'd die. His body was too old to deal with the stress of an overdose and they wouldn't be able to save him, as Ducky didn't need to be saved. He didn't want to be saved. He managed to replace Jethro's body a bit to the left on the table so Ducky could be with him. He injected himself with the morphine and threw the vile and the syringe away before he laid down next to his lover and waited until he would meet Jethro again, somewhere down the line.
Story Notes:
I hate song fics. But I decided to write one. Oh and I said I’d never write such a fic like this… I was wrong.
Song used: Carole King - Where you lead, I will follow
Author's Chapter Notes:
He wants him, and he will get him too.
Chapter End Notes:
I hate song fics. But I decided to write one. Oh and I said I’d never write such a fic like this… I was wrong.
Song used: Carole King - Where you lead, I will follow
Song used: Carole King - Where you lead, I will follow