Chapter 4.
Alone on a beach.
He didn't know for how long he had been there but the sun was already going down behind the nearest trees. Time didn't mean anything since he had arrived here where his life had ended fifteen years ago.
He had thought he had gone through the worst and build a new life. But as always his nightmares had come back to him and he was now unable to bear the pain. Nothing had come to fill the emptiness she had left in his heart and in his soul.
He would have preferred dying on that beach with her but instead he had seen her die and heard his wife tell him it had been his fault. He had thought for a long time that she had been right but he'd realised later that he had had no control on the events.
He had taken the control when he left the hospital. He had hunted the man who had stolen his angel's life. It had not been hard as he knew who had done it. He didn't tell the cops, he had to do it himself. He had to see him die, to see his eyes when he would realise that he was about to be shot at... No long range shot. He wanted him to know who it was.
He had brought him here and shot one time. He had thought he would have felt relieved after that but not at all. Killing him in cold blood had not brought her back and what he had done, had begun to haunt him.
Did the death of his little girl justify taking the man's life?
He knew that everyone had understood it was him but noone had made any reproach. The cop in charge had interviewed him but he suspected that the man didn't even try to find prooves. It hadn't made it easier.
Since that day he had tried to bury it deep inside. He hadn't gone to his daughter's grave... He had tried some times but he was unable to face the fact that she was dead. He had kept her in his mind and heart. Thinking about her every day, writing cards for her birthdays...
He had kept her alive in a way but it hurt each time he was remembering a moment they had shared. He had learnt to live with this pain... It had helped him to feel alive again, as if it had since been the only feeling he could allow himself to experience.
Noone had been able to make him feel anything else... until lately. He still remembered the day they had met, the precise moment he had met his eyes...It had been so intense for him that he had been about to run away. It had taken him some time to understand what his feelings meant...the need to be close to him, to protect him.
He had first thought that he was only seeing in this younger man the one he had once been, his heir in a way. But it was more than that. Tony had become his anchor, the reason he needed to go on with his life.
He couldn't help thinking about him, hearing his voice, smiling at his childish jokes. He had surprised himself enjoying life for the first time in years...Each day away from him was a hell of loneliness where he spent days remembering what he had lost, what his life had been like.
He had understood it was love only a month ago when he had thought he was about to lose him because of a stupid bitch. He could still see him on this bed. The picture of his pale face, blue lips was one he feared to meet in his nightmares, the one which frightened him the most.
At first he had tried to do as he was used to doing with feelings... keep them somewhere well hidden. In a place they would not hurt. But he couldn't control them and had finally decided to enjoy what they had and dream about what they would never share....
He was doing good, playing with Tony his best role ever. It had been enough for him and as Tony was safe with him he was able to live. The younger man seemed to be oblivion to the fact that he had become as vital for him as the air he breathed.
It had helped him at first to think about Tony as a friend but he had soon hoped for more, thought about what it would be like to be more to him. He had spent nights thinking about the best way to tell him. In these dreams Tony loved him back...But they had stayed sweet dreams as he had never dared to talk to him. He always waited for a better time, another day then another...
It had ended on a Thursday afternoon on a roof when he had seen Kate's body fall on the ground...If he closed his eyes he could still see the events pass before him.
Her laugh...Tony's reply... the sound of the bullet going through her head...the echo of the shot, her body falling... the smell of blood....
Then everything around him had become too bright, too noisy as the walls he had build around his memories broke down allowing forgotten feelings to overwhelm him. He had acted on auto pilot for some days after that. He came to the office, did what he had to do to throw his friends off the scent but he was not living anymore...surviving... almost.
He knew that he would not be able to fool his friends for long but he didn't care. As if he was only waiting... waiting for the right moment to end it. He couldn't allow them to see who he really was because he couldn't face the truth himself.
He had left them believe he was grieving in his own way. But he had known since Kate's death that he was only giving them his last show. He couldn't pretend anymore...especially after their last case...
He had brought the little boy, doing with him what he had once done with Kelly. He had lived in the past for some hours... But he knew he would have to wake up sooner or later and he didn't want to.
Seeing this kid with his father had been one event too many. He had felt enough pain for one life time...This night when he had left the office he had looked at the place one last time, searching for a reason to come back here.
His eyes had stopped on Tony's desk and for a moment he had thought the younger man could be what he was looking for... But if he was honest with himself, they hadn't anything.
He was his boss and he doubted that Tony could ever see anything else in him. It was not enough to continue to suffer day after day...
He had thought about letting them a letter or something but how could he explain why he was leaving them, leaving his life. They would not understand because they didn't know... he had not allow them to know...
Maybe they would have helped him, Tony would have been there for him but he was not sure he would have accepted his help. It would have been so unfair for him. The only thing he had to offer him was a broken heart and a shattered soul.
The following morning he had left, taking nothing with him except for a photo and his weapon... the one he had been keeping in his nightstand for years. He had called Director Sheppard to inform her that he was taking some time off.
She had asked questions but he didn't answer. He didn't want nor need to justify himself especially in front of her. He had believed to find love with her years ago but it had only been an illusion. He had ended it and she seemed to blame him for that.
He had driven there straight. No need to waste more time. He had always known that when the day would come it would be here... it was the only place it would make sense... If there could be some sense in what he was about to do...
So, here he was... alone on that beach... looking at nothing through the growing darkness.
He could feel the reassuring weight of the gun in his right hand... his old friend...
He could see Tony's face, hear him laugh... He could hear a song he had been listening to while driving here...
*Good Bye my lover... Good Bye my friend... You have been the one... You have been the one for me...*
Tears were falling down his cheeks as he raised the gun...
*Good Bye my lover... Good Bye my friend... You have been the one... You have been the one for me...*
It had taken him more time than he had thought to find the little beach. He had found the name in the file Sean had sent him. He was sure he would find Gibbs here, at the exact place where Kelly had been killed.
He parked his car near the one Gibbs had used to come here. He was relieved that he had been right about this place.
He took his jacket and a flashlight before opening the door. The night was dark and he was walking slowly trying to see the lake.
Then he saw a flash of lightining in the night and he understood what it was when he heard the sound of a gun shot...
Authors notes: the song I talk about is from James Blunt " Goodbye My Lover"
Author's Chapter Notes:
Last thoughts!
Chapter End Notes:
I'm sorry for the mistakes I certainly made because I couldn't read it again after writing! Sometimes I hate myself for writing thing like that!