Chapter 6.
Together on a beach
Tony could now feel his heart beat...steady and strong...
He had searched for wounds...running his hands over Gibbs' still body. But there was no blood, no injuries... Gibbs was only unconscious.
He had taken him in his arms, keeping him warm. He had been so relieved that he may have fallen asleep. When he opened his eyes the sun was already high in the sky.
Gibbs was still in his arms and when he looked down at him, he saw dark circles under his eyes. He didn't know exactly what had happened there but it had been close. He had been about to lose him and he knew that they would have a long way to make together.
But he was here now and he would stay by Gibbs' side no matter what the man would say or do to keep him away. He put a gentle hand on Gibbs forehead and couldn't help shivering at the thought of what he may have discovered if he had not change his mind...
The man in his arms began to move a moment later. Tony didn't release his hold... He couldln't let him go... never again.
-Hey, Jethro!
His voice was whispering to him, bringing him back to present.
-... Kelly...
-No, Jethro it's Tony. Kelly isn't here...
-Tony...?
-Yeah, boss. It had not been easy to find you but I'm here now.
Gibbs tried to sit but he realised he was in Tony's arms. He had not enough strength to fight against the younger man. So he stayed there, closing his eyes. Tony had found him, he had doubted for a moment that anyone would be able to come to him soon enough. He had thought he had no other choice...
Even then he hadn't been able to do what he had come for. He had been about to pull the trigger, the gun against his temple...when he had seen Tony's face in front of him...
He had seen his smile, the way he looked at him when he was searching for his approval or waiting for a slap at the back of his head.
The younger man had given him a reason to live one more day.
The only reason he had needed... because at that precise moment when he had lost all hopes he had been able to really see what he had been oblivion to until today.
He had seen love in Tony's eyes... it could only be that... but he had to be sure, he had to give him a chance...
-Jethro, Are you with me?
Gibbs gathered his courage and opened his eyes to meet Tony's gaze on him. The warmth and the relief he saw on his face brought back tears in his tired eyes. Gibbs sighed... he hated to feel so weak...
-You don't have to say or do anything. Just listen to me.
Tony placed a hand on Gibbs' cheek caressing softly his eyebrow.
-I know for Kelly... I know what happened there fifteen years ago...I know what you did...
-Tony... I'm so sorry...
-Nothing to be sorry for, Jethro... But you scared me... I thought I had lost you.
-I couldn't do it.
-I'm glad that you didn't do it. But why? I mean what make you change your mind?
-I saw you.
-But I only heard the shot ... You couldn't...
-No, I mean the only reason why I didn't pull the trigger was because of you. I couldn't go because it would have meant loosing you too.
Tony looked down at him and realised that Gibbs' feelings, even if they seemed still confused, were there strong and real.
-Why didn't you say anything before? I should have helped you.
-I couldn't Tony. I couldn't see what you mean to me.
-Tell me Jethro. Talk to me...
Gibbs rested his head on Tony's chest. He felt safe here. When he spoke again his voice was only a whisper.
-You mean everything to me, Tony. I love you so much...But I can't allow myself to feel such feelings...
-You can, Jethro because I love you too. We are together now... And don't tell me we can't because there is nothing more important than what we have. What we are for each other...
Tony let him some time to think about what he was telling him. He needed his trust, he wanted his love. But he was also aware that the man in his arms must be very confused at that moment.
Tony could almost hear Gibb's brain working. He realised that he was still stroking the older man's cheek. He was not sure if he was trying to reassure him or himself doing that.
-I don't know what I want, Tony. I know I love you but how can you love me? After what I've done?
-You didn't do anything different from what I would have done myself... I hope at least...
-What do you mean?
Tony was still looking at him... They had a lot to talk about but he didn't want to do it on that beach. Besides he needed to check that Gibbs was not injured.
-Where did you sleep last night?
-I rented a room in the hotel near the lake.
-Okay, let's go there so. You think you can walk?
-Not so sure about that!
-Let me help you.
Tony was glad to see him accept his help so easily. He realised that Gibbs was weak and that he had to almost carry him to the near building. As he looked he could see the lake, the woods on the other side... a lovely place.
As they reached the door of the room Gibbs had rented, the older opened it without even using the keys... Off course even when he was not home, Gibbs was unable to lock a door. Gibbs seemed to read his mind.
-I didn't intend to come back, Tony. I didn't need to lock the door.
The idea of what Gibbs had been about to do hit Tony once more.
-Don't say that, Jethro. There is always a reason to hold on to life.
-I finally found the one I needed not to end it tonight.
Tony helped him on the bed and realised he was shaking. He hadn't eaten since he had left NCIS last day... sleeping on a beach was not very restful too. But he couldn't think of himself now.
-Are you sure you are not hurt, Jethro?
Gibbs' blue eyes were unreadable for Tony when he looked up at him. He knew the older man was searching for something but he couldn't tell what.
-I'm not, Tony. I won't tell you I'm fine but I only shot at the lake.
-I guessed but I also know that was not what you had in mind when you decided to come here.
-Well. I wanted it to end Tony.
Okay it was high time to tell this man what he really thought about his behaviour.
-You wanted what to end, Jethro? Tell me exactly how you felt because I must say I can't understand why you left instead of talking to someone...
Gibbs didn't reply anything. He could hear the anger in Tony's voice and he knew he deserved it. He had not trusted his friends enough to let them help.
-I can understand why you didn't tell me but Ducky had been your friend for years... He could have helped you.
-I'm sorry, Tony... I didn't mean...
-What ? You didn't mean to hurt any of us... And committing suicide on that beach...? How were we supposed to react to that...?
Tony was now yelling and he could see that Gibbs was about either to punch him or break down and fall apart in front of him...
-What were we supposed to do with your death...? Do you really think that none of us would try to find you...?
-I don't know Tony.... I couldn't think about what and who I was leaving behind...
-Is it so easy for you to forget about the ones who cares about you...?
-No, I ddn't mean...
Tony sighed and looked directly at the man in front of him.
-Well, it seems that you didn't mean anything, Jethro... Tell me, what do you want now? What do you really want from me?
-I... I...
Gibbs was shaking, visibly agitated. His emotions were giving him a hard time and he was fighting to keep the control. Tony was amazed to see him trying to find the strength to push him away... Because he knew that was what he was trying to do.
-Tell me... One word and I'm out of here...
He knew he was playing a dangerous game but he was sure that Gibbs hadn't killed himself last night because he had hoped he would come and find him there... at least he was almost sure of it.
-What do you want to do, Jethro? Your choice here!
Okay, last act. It was so hard for Tony to see him like that but he had to do bring him over the edge ... before being able to really help him. Gibbs had to ask for him to stay, he had to do it by himself and for himself...
Tony stood up and headed to the door. He could almost feel Gibbs eyes on his back, he could almost sense the tension in his friend's silence. He had never done something so hard...
He put his hand on the handle... waiting for Gibbs to say something, to do something...
Please, Jethro, don't let me do that... don't do that to yourself... I love you , don't you see it?
He couldn't believe that Gibbs was about to let him go without saying a word... He opened the door and walked outside. He turned to close the door... He didn't wantto look at Gibbs but it was too hard not to look one more time at him....
He raised his head and stopped frozen by the sight before him... Gibbs hadn't moved but he could see tears running down his cheeks, spasms were making him shiver...
What have I done to him? I'm so sorry, love!!
Tony ran to him, stopped beside the bed hesitating to go any closer. Gibbs looked up at him his eyes almost pleading... telling Tony what words would never say.
-Please, Tony. Don't leave me !
Tony took the older man in his arms, rubbing his back and trying to ease the pain.
-I'm so sorry, Love. I would never have let you. I was only trying to ... I don't know what I was trying to do but I won't leave you I promise...
-I need help Tony. I can't go on like that....
-I will be here for you.
-Love you so much!
They stayed there wrapped in each others arms for long minute. Tony pulled back searching for Gibbs' tired eyes.
-We are together now, Jethro. I won't let you down no matter what we decide to do next.
They were so close... Tony could feel Gibbs' warmth against him. He closed the gap between them and brushed the older man's lips. The softness of the contact made both men shiver. Gibbs deepened the kiss as if he needed to feel in his flesh he was still alive.
Tony broke the contact and couldn't help smiling at the man in his arms. They had still a long travel to do. Gibbs would need time to recover but Tony knew now that they would be fine.
They had found each other.
Gibbs smiled back at Tony. He couldn't say right now that he was feeling better but he had spent fifteen years alone, grieving for what he had lost on this beach... And today he was not alone anymore...
Author's Chapter Notes:
Last part ... for now!
Gibbs isn't alone anymore
Gibbs isn't alone anymore
Chapter End Notes:
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